I'll admit it. Over recent months the pressures of being a best selling author have got to me, and I'd like to extend a sincere apology to all those in the Authors Hangout who've been on the receiving end of my rudeness.
I am a new man, and my new username reflects the changes I have undergone in the past twenty four hours.
The New Me came into being during a visit to the Oprah Winfrey studios in Chicago. Oprah emerged to be one of the thousands of fans who contact me on a daily basis to tell me what a wonderful writer I am, and she wanted to conduct a televised interview with me.
Unfortunately mine wasn't the only guest interview being recorded yesterday morning. There were also three lesbian prostitutes from Amsterdam. The restrooms were unisex, and at least one of the whores had crabs.
As soon as my literary butt came into contact with the plastic of the seat, one of the insects jumped from inside the toilet bowl and took residence in my love bush.
Its high potency venom made me realise how sour some of my outbursts are, especially regarding the Halloween entries.
The truth is, I'm jealous and I feel threatened. I also devote far too much time to analyzing the voting process - often to the point of obsession. I find it difficult to get to grips with the fact that there are other authors out there who might write better than me from time to time. All despite my status as a best selling author.
I made fun of other people's alts, but actually I have lots of alts. My alts are all the people who send me fanmail, rack up my voting tally and offer sweet words of encouragement.
I was jealous of the cameraderie on the Authors Hangout - that there were people out there who didn't have to create imaginary friends to give them a well deserved pat on the back. And between that and the pressures of being a best selling author, I lost the plot a little.
I can only apologise to everyone involved, especially oily, fushionee and varian.
Oily - I have nothing to do during my lonely hours, except make up math problems. They occupy me but sometimes lead me down the path of paranoia. You're actually a great writer, man. One of my all-time favourites, and life just drags when you haven't published anything for a while. Keep it up.
Fushionee - Your entry swept me away. In fact everything about you two beautiful women sweeps me away. And then you had to go ruin it all by being a pair of rampant rug munchers I accused you of bending the rules when all you ever bent was the angle of my johnson. I'm sorry, and if you both provide me with your postal address I'd like to recompensate you with your choice of sex toy. I won't even ask for pictures of you using them.
Varian - What can I say? I've been an asshole to you, and thrown meaningless figures and statistics in your face, when really what I wanted to say was wow! I feel that there's so much I could learn from you if you gave me a second chance.
Everyone else - I really am sorry. Please forgive me, and be thankful for the existence of crabs that can jump half a meter. There wouldn't have been any pointed standing, because the outcome would have been the same.
I am a new man, and my new username reflects the changes I have undergone in the past twenty four hours.
The New Me came into being during a visit to the Oprah Winfrey studios in Chicago. Oprah emerged to be one of the thousands of fans who contact me on a daily basis to tell me what a wonderful writer I am, and she wanted to conduct a televised interview with me.
Unfortunately mine wasn't the only guest interview being recorded yesterday morning. There were also three lesbian prostitutes from Amsterdam. The restrooms were unisex, and at least one of the whores had crabs.
As soon as my literary butt came into contact with the plastic of the seat, one of the insects jumped from inside the toilet bowl and took residence in my love bush.
Its high potency venom made me realise how sour some of my outbursts are, especially regarding the Halloween entries.
The truth is, I'm jealous and I feel threatened. I also devote far too much time to analyzing the voting process - often to the point of obsession. I find it difficult to get to grips with the fact that there are other authors out there who might write better than me from time to time. All despite my status as a best selling author.
I made fun of other people's alts, but actually I have lots of alts. My alts are all the people who send me fanmail, rack up my voting tally and offer sweet words of encouragement.
I was jealous of the cameraderie on the Authors Hangout - that there were people out there who didn't have to create imaginary friends to give them a well deserved pat on the back. And between that and the pressures of being a best selling author, I lost the plot a little.
I can only apologise to everyone involved, especially oily, fushionee and varian.
Oily - I have nothing to do during my lonely hours, except make up math problems. They occupy me but sometimes lead me down the path of paranoia. You're actually a great writer, man. One of my all-time favourites, and life just drags when you haven't published anything for a while. Keep it up.
Fushionee - Your entry swept me away. In fact everything about you two beautiful women sweeps me away. And then you had to go ruin it all by being a pair of rampant rug munchers
I accused you of bending the rules when all you ever bent was the angle of my johnson. I'm sorry, and if you both provide me with your postal address I'd like to recompensate you with your choice of sex toy. I won't even ask for pictures of you using them.Varian - What can I say? I've been an asshole to you, and thrown meaningless figures and statistics in your face, when really what I wanted to say was wow! I feel that there's so much I could learn from you if you gave me a second chance.
Everyone else - I really am sorry. Please forgive me, and be thankful for the existence of crabs that can jump half a meter. There wouldn't have been any pointed standing, because the outcome would have been the same.
