An Acidic Tiger -- Nov. 2, 2001

[Mickie]

The Story for this week is 'An Acidic Tiger' by KillerMuffin.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=15639



FYI -- I'm currently trying to navigate everything without a mouse, so my communication until I get a new port installed might be a little sparce. Some of you will be breathing a sigh of relief at that one I'm hoping to be up and running again by Monday.

Thanks!

Mickie

 

[KillerMuffin]

Yeeee-uck! Good luck, Mickie!

An Acidic Tiger should have been very hard for me to write. It's an amalgamation of years of my life. But it wasn't, I kicked it out in a relatively short period of time. I am not sensitive about this issue, though many people are.

It's not erotic, though it is about sex. Would some people find it arousing? Probably. I get infrequent mail telling me that it is in the wrong category. It's not an erotic story, it shouldn't be on this site, or so I've been told. How often do people read the non-erotic category? What are they expecting? Should the "genre" of non-erotic stories be a part of the description of the story? Is it in the right category, or does it belong elsewhere? Which one?

It's full of sentence fragments that may or may not make it interesting. I wrote this very disjointedly and after I read through it a few times, I decided that the mechanical errors-- beyond typos and punctuation-- made it better. Now, I'm not quite so sure. Would it be improved with better grammar or would that take the "raw" feel from it? Would it lessen the impact?

Obviously this story is about beating the reader with raw emotion, it's meant to bother and disturb. Did it accomplish its mission? How effective was the characterizations? How strongly did the story move you? What was the emotion you felt at the very end?

There are many stories, even one of my own, that fantasize about the exact opposite of this one. I call those "happy happy joy joy incest" stories. Where everyone in the family fucks and is happy. Is one like this necessary?

 

[p_p_man]

A nice, clean cut story.

The beginning was overlong and the overuse of adjectival phrases made reading for me a bit difficult to keep the flow going. As did the overuse of punctuation. This is probably a comment on our two different styles than a criticism of the story.

I was brought to a standstill by the use of the word "whoosh" as in "muffled whoosh of footsteps on carpet". Not the correct word to use. I think just a simple "sound" would have been better. But this is just a minor slip, and one which KM more than made up for later in the tale.

The ending became apparant after I had reached the halfway stage. Up until then I had placed the story firmly in the "kidnap victim" category. I made the shift when I saw the use of the word "squeaked". A young person's sound, the use of which I think is an excellent example of how one word can paint a more complete picture in a reader's mind than a sentence or even a paragraph. That word "squeaked" said it all for me. It also more than made up for "whoosh" mentioned above!

On the erotic content of the story I can't really comment. It is not the type of story I would normally read and certainly not one I would buy. My own preference in erotic literature is BDSM and the subjecation of women at the hands of men. I have never been a fan of incest and so I must say that the story did nothing for me at all. But that doesn't take away my appreciation of the way it was written, treating a difficult subject with a high degree of sensitivity. No wham bang thank you ma'am here! That would have just relegated it to the back room section of any erotic bookstore. Although not a fan myself I can stand back and see how it could easily be extremely satisfying to affeciendos of this particular genre.

The length was fine, but if some of the opening had been omitted it would have been finer. I shall venture a guess here that KM had the end of the story and the main body all mapped out, but then realised that the whole thing was possibly too short. And that's where the overlong beginning came into it. A bit of padding. As I said it's only a guess, but for me the tale could easily have begun at the third paragraph, "The stillness of this first minute..." and improved the readability of those first few moments when it's crucial to grab and keep a readers attention.

A good, generally readable story (and I think that in the long run that's what counts). I have no major criticism of it at all just minor points which I've written here.

Just one thing. Why "An Acidic Tiger"?. Does the title have a hidden meaning which I've missed?

Nice one!

 

[abashed-dreamer]

an acidic tiger

Hi KM,

This is generally at your usual high standard, though occasionally the grammar is odd. It's very polished and 'tight'; it is predictable, but the details make it interesting; for example the statement that she moves and knows how to move like an 'experienced
whore', and phrases like 'false exhortations.' I don't think the lead-in is too long. It could, though, have ended with "I love you Daddy." in my opinion. You didn't need to say "she lied"; surely the reader knows that, by this late time. Which brings me to points of possible change or improvement.
The adjectives are a bit lush, for me, though sometimes *very well chosen "ugly nightgown." Other times they seem 'overwritten' and 1/4 of them could be eliminated. Which brings up the question of the audience. There is a 'romance' audience that like bodices ripping and recklessly surging manhoods. Are those whom you want?
The story is not generally erotic, no, but here's a problem; it's not exactly an incest horror story of mainline autobiography or novel.
Have you read "Kiss Daddy Goodnight."? These memoirs are stark, as you story is not. Iow the lushness can detract, as for example the sperm running "possessively" down her leg. The 'hopeless prayer to a heartless savior.' If the word 'hopeless' were only left out! In contrast, 'silent plea to a deaf god' sounds fine to me.
In sum, the desire for impact got into the old 'add adjectives, adverbs' strategy, imho. Which, as I said, is sometimes *very effective when you hit on a fresh and powerful one: 'inexorable as sunset'. Other times it's a clear miss, like "verdant green"
Lastly, let's accept that it's a piece to convey horror. If that's so, I find more than a touch of 'prurience'. Little extra lewd details of the sort beloved of porn readers. That detracts from the generally honest (if greatly dramatized) impression. I'm thinking of phrases like "tiny exit", "vulnerable rear", "delicate tissues". Probably these aid some readers who, as you perhaps did NOT actually wish, are looking for a kick. IF one wants to encourage sympathy and horror, one has to check for words that do seem 'pornographic' and designed to arouse, even if that's not the intent.
Overall, there is much emotional impact in the story; in that central intention, you succeeded, perhaps a great deal. A little self restraint, 'pruning', with that central aim in mind, would improve the story. Since you are capable of all the 'gut wrenching' touches and phrases, perhaps remind yourself that sometimes,'less is more'. You have great talents that show in fine stories like this, that, imo, just require a bit of revising.
"Jack"
abashed-dreamer
lfmn2x@hotmail.com

 

[REDWAVE]

Kudos!

Strong story, KillerMuffin. The part near the end where she says "I love you too, Daddy" is absolutely gut-wrenching. I am sad to hear you were abused yourself as a child.


Your story brings the subject of sexual abuse of children to life. I see it as just part of a much larger process of systematic victimization, of the oppressed by the oppressors.


I can't even think of anything bad to say about your story. I gave it a 5-- the first one I've given through this discussion circle. Sure, it's too upsetting and depressing to be a good "stroke story" (except for maybe a few deeply disturbed individuals), but you recognized that by placing it in the non-erotic category.


Stories like this one are the reason I'm on this site.

 

[CRaZy]

The good:

I like the way we never learn the names of the characters. This gives the reader a sense of the lack of identity which the girl must feel. She is merely an object for her father's needs - not a person with a name.

The use of the nightlight is a powerful image. It provides a contrast of innocence and protection with the harsh reality.

The fact that the story builds up slowly gives the reader a sense of the dreaded anticipation experienced by the girl. Lines such as "Each loosened, mother-of-pearl button was a clock tick closer to the horror of his zipper working its way down" emphasise the torturous wait.

The interior monologue presented in italics is simple and effective, allowing the reader to hear the pleas of the girl. This is then supported visually with the images of the house she tries to conjure up.

An Acidic Tiger is a wonderful metaphor. I see her anger boiling inside her like a powerful, corrosive animal waiting to pounce one day. However, it also reflects the fact that the girl is being "eaten away inside".

The improvements:

There are some awakward sentence structures. "The room was large and cool, situated in the basement as it was." I am not a fan of sentences that end in verbs and I'm sure I'm guilty of it myself. This sentence could just read - "The room was large and cool, situated in the basement."

Some of the words used to describe the girl's emotions have romantic connotations. "Wistfulness" would be an example.

Some of the phrases used to describe the father are redundant. The story clearly lets the reader know that the father is "brutishly evil" through the plot.

I agree that the story should end with the words "I love you, Daddy." We know that she is boiling with feelings of revenge. At this point however, the girl is helpless, trapped and compliant. Such an ending would emphasise the misery of her situation.

About the category:

Most stories on Literotica could fall into several categories. There are indeed people who would find this story erotic, no matter how many changes were made. I think that by choosing a particular category, a writer pre-empts the frame of mind with which a reader will approach a story. This story would evoke entirely different sets of reactions from people if it were to be placed in the Non Consent, Incest, and Extreme categories. I could almost guarantee that the emails from readers, depending on the category in which it was placed, would be very different.

There are good writers and good readers. KM is a good writer. Unfortunately, there are readers out there who refuse to accept the cues given to them by the writers. KM has placed it in the non-erotic category. This clearly indicates a certain approach required by the reader which some choose to ignore. The story is in the right category. KM placed it there. She is the writer. That makes it right.

I also gave it a 5.

 

[The_old_man]

Now, I understand your poem "Rage". Nuf said.

 

[The_old_man]

Fully explains your poem "Rage."

No other comments.

 

[The_old_man]

Apologies for the double post. The first one was delayed ,so I did it again.

 

[horny_giraffe]

Hey there.
I think there is definitely room for improvement, here.

I found the bad grammer very distracting. I think that sentence fragments CAN create a sense of rawness. I would add some caveats, however. The sentence fragments should be fragments of grammatically correct sentences. If you skip prepositions in the middle of sentences, or change tense, the sentence can just be confusing. I'm not sure what's grammatically correct, but "It was inexorable as sunset." seems wrong. I would have rather seen "It was as inexorable as the sunset." or simply "Inexorable as the sunset."--if you wanted to use a sentence fragment. There were some obviously confusing grammer mistakes that didn't help the story at all, such as "His moaned louder, ..."

There was one obvious point-of-view mistake: "His palm, hot and sweaty, on the back of her head ..." She's not bald. She wouldn't know that his hand was hot or sweaty, unless it was searing-hot through her hair. At least my head is not that sensitive, and I've got long hair.

I noticed a few disjointed metaphors that just didn't make any sense to me, or were left unexplained. Was he a "darkened figure" because he was silouetted against the light shining through the doorway, because he was dark with anger, or because he was covered in tar? "He'd slithered inside" contrasts with "the tableau" (as in a play?) Is he a snake or an actor? I noticed "the gentle creak of the doorknob sounded like a death knell. " I don't know if I would compare the creaking of a doorknob to the ringing of bells.

If you had gone through another rewrite, you probably would have caught these disjointed metaphors.

I think that a big part of the problem is that everybody uses "a ton" of metaphors in everyday life reflexively, without considering their consistency. I'm as guilty as anyone of this, myself. Still, would it make any logical sense for me to say that I waited "tons of time at the dentist's office?"

Now, let me say what I liked. I like some of the details that helped build tension and set the pace. "Methodically ... as if each crease were as important as life itself." At first, you set the tension when she waits for him to start. Later, when the tension was starting to fade, you brought it back effectively by introducing new conflicts to be resolved--"Please, please let him be finished." Without this new conflict, the story would have slowed down considerably. Yet, you didn't have to spell out the conflicts in neon letters in order for the reader to see them.

Well done.

I liked that fact that the story was short and succinct. You told the story, and you finished the story when it was done. Aside from the last sentence, you didn't finish with a long and boring epilogue. I appreciate that.

The end was a twist, for me. I didn't understand that this was incest until she said "I love you too, Daddy."

I would classify this as non-consent or incest--but not non-erotic. To me, non-erotic means no sexual themes.

I liked the title. It didn't make any sense until I saw the simile of "like some acidic tiger trying to claw." But I like it when the title uses a phrase from the story.

I gave the story a four.

 

[Jake Marlow]

I have very mixed feelings about this story. I do think it belongs in the non-erotic section because I really found nothing erotic about it. And that's not because there was incest in it. It was the ugliness of the story. That part of it was very well done, you do feel disgust by the time you have finished the story.

That said, the prose was a little too turgid for me. I agree with the others that there were just too many adjectives thrown in. It read like it was written with a thersaurous at the author's elbow. Since it was written from the girl's POV I thought the over description was even more about of place. It did not seem like all that could have been coming from a young girl. Took a little away from the authenticity. Also, I found it hard to believe she was 18 or over. I know her age is never given, but her reactions made her seem under 18 to me.

Some of the phrasing was good. I liked:

"Even with her eyes closed she knew when he was finished and waiting for her. This nightly ritual had happened so many times, she knew without being told what he expected of her. It had been months since she'd defied him and balked at his requirements, but she wouldn't forget the painful lesson he'd taught her about rebellion. Mutely, she forced the fingers in her tightly balled fists to relax and reach for her ugly nightgown."

I think it's telling that she finds the nightgown ugly and I see that as more her perception. I do find it odd the nightgown isn't really described though. With all the hyperdescription in the story it's stranger how little description of the people we get.

I gave this story a 3. I have to admit I really did not like it much, but I do think that is more of a stylistic thing, not a reflection of the writer's ability.

Jake

 

[Mickie]

For personal reasons, it's taken me a while to come to terms with this particular story. First, I'd like to say that this was a brave story to write, and to post on a site where so many people would get a glimpse into a very private world. I've always found it difficult to remark on such personal work. I feel like I'm invading someone's inner child. So, instead of thinking about the actual writing, which, yes, could use a second draft at least to get rid of some of the inconsistencies in style and grammar, I've got a question to ask.

Is this a story about an abused child? Or is it about the perception the adult has about her childhood situation?

As for the category -- There isn't a real category for this kind of thing. KM put it in the only one that reflected her own motives for writing it. I don't think it's erotic, or non-erotic, but anti-erotic. At least, that's the intention I think KM had. Something to wither arousal in a normal, caring person.

The acidic tiger is apt. The rage of a betrayed child is great, and it is acidic. It will eat the heart out of the child if it's allowed to continue into adulthood. Rage needs to be dealt with, or it becomes a wild animal we are unable to control. My question here is -- does that rage give her power in a helpless situation? This is about power, and not a whole lot about sex. The child is helpless. She vows to kill her father. Is that where her power resides?

This is a powerful idea, KM. It's a moving account of helplessness, and betrayal. Changing the language you use to reflect either the adult remembering, or the childish thoughts instead of a combination might be more effective.

And I have one last question -- did she really lie in the end? I don't know, but I think part of the horror of situations like this are that the child is convinced they're the one in the wrong, not the adult.

Mickie

 

[KillerMuffin]

So the big problem we're having here is that the words got in the way of the story. I see that happens a lot, not only with my own either. What's the best way of fixing problems like that? Connotation is a very big issue when I write. I want to choose words that give the exact connotation that I want to convey. Walked, strode, sauntered, slipped, moved, eased, you know what I mean.

I do think that a disjointed, roughly written bundle of prose can improve a story, but it has to be written in such a way that the words and the phrasing don't disturb the reader, just the message the story is trying to send.

The content of the story doesn't disturb me, but it was my intent to disturb my audience. I tried to give the impression of evil, tightly leashed violence without violence being a part of the story beyond the lack of consent. I didn't want to give either character a face, a name, a circumstance, or anything to put an identity to them beyond their roles in the story and their emotions. I kept it in her POV because I wanted those roles clearly defined.

If I could ask all of the readers of this story anything, it would be only two questions. Did this story bother you? Do you have any strong feelings regarding the characters? If the answer is yes, then the story accomplished what I was trying for. Grammar, jarring phrasing, and odd wording notwithstanding.

I tried to use the grammar and the phrasing to keep the age of the female character undefined. Little girl phrases and adult phrases together, but I don't think that worked since it jarred the reader too much. I also wanted to get a panicky, emotional feeling across. How do I put this, I wanted the reader to feel the girl's lack of coherence and calmness of thought and I tried to do that with what I refer to as "raw" phrasing. I don't think that worked either. It's a case of the words getting in the way of a story.

I think, now that I've read it again, that the story rightly belongs in the Extreme category because it is a violent rape. Not physically violent, but emotionally violent. However, I want to leave it where it's at.

This story isn't fair to the male character either. The cues that she's giving him is that she enjoys their encounter and loves him. He may know it's wrong and he may know in some part of him that she doesn't want this, but she seems to welcome him to her bed every night and she tells him how wonderful a lover he is and acts like she likes it. We have no idea what he's really thinking, only what she's thinking. To be honest, I have no idea what a man in his situation would be thinking. Does he think she really wants him sexually? We know more about what she thinks than what she tells him or how she acts with him. The impression is that she's carrying on with him like he is everything she wants. Would the story improve if we knew more about how she acted and what he thought?

 

[The_old_man]

In answer to the questions in paragraph 4; a solid yes to both!

As for the question in the last line-leave it!

This story,as Micky said, is almost anti-erotic. You succeded in the intent.

Paraphrasing your comment on my story: It aint broke-Don't fix it!

 

[horny_giraffe]

To answer your question, KM--yeah, this story was a little disturbing. Actually, since the consensus seems to be that "erotic" means "gets me hot"-- I should change my vote for this story's catagory to extreme or non-erotic, like everybody else. This story doesn't turn me on.

It does seem like you stretched the age thing a bit, as "Stories by Jake" mentioned. I think that this story's disturbing quality actually makes the age thing a potentially bigger issue than if the story was just pure porn. But as long as you keep the actual ages undisclosed, and avoid referring to actual experiences--nobody can tell you how old the characters are. To paraphrase the standard disclaimer:"Any resemblance of these fictional characters and fictional situations to actual people and real situations is purely coincidental."

 

[Lynn]

powerful

Very powerful story, very well written actually. I think the category is unimportant in reviewing this story. Who cares what category it find itself in as long as this story gets out and people read and understand it.

A few problems I did have which I don't think others have mentioned:

I felt that the use of the word "sperm" at the end of the story was a poor choice. It brings it back to a sexual thing. Even possesive sperm gives the wrong tone to the end of the story in my opinion. To me this story is so utterly sad and depressing that an word like sperm is just used wrongly here. Very hard to explain, but think about it - the only sexual term you used was penis and sperm. Penis isn't very erotic so a great choice there, but sperm is always used sexually.

The next problem (minor) for me was that the girl has her eyes closed at the beginning of the story and that is stated, yet when she goes into her own world, she closes her eyes - I personally don't get that. The story is much more powerful if her eyes remained closed the whole time, and since you never told us she opened them between those paragraphs, it just made me move back up the page to re-read it to make sure I hadn't missed something.

Finally the narrator of the story. I admit that for this story (like most of them) I read the whole discussion that has taken place before I read it myself (strange, to be sure, but who said I wasn't strange?) I assumed (before I read the story and after I read the discussions) that the broken sentences was because the girl was writing this down, but in actuallity we have no idea who wrote the story. I enjoy a third person story as well as anyone else but in this case this story would have been stronger if the girl had written it. It would have meant redoing some of the high-brow word choices but still I would have been even more moved.

Thanks for sharing this story - it made me cry.
Lynn

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

(I hope this isn't a duplicate post.)

A very powerful story. Indeed, I'd recommend that KM
save a copy of this version before trying to make any
language changes. It's possible that every problem of the
story could be improved, and yet the result would be
a much weaker story.
That said, I find the sentence fragments somewhat
persuasive of stream-of-consciousness, and not at all
conveying the violence of the situation.

I wonder if KM has read any of the other bad-incest stories
I've read. Michel K. Smith springs to mind.

 

[daughter]

personal stories

KM--

I don't assume stories are autobiographical. Even when they are, I hope that by the time the author has decided to share a slice of her life, she has come to terms with it. I have written about some of the ugliness in my own life. The writing was cathartic, and by the time I shared it with others, I no longer felt the sting of the experience. I believe we can heal and move on with our lives.

Having said all that, I wish this were not about your experiences. I empathize with you.

I'd prefer to focus on the writing.

horny_giraffe wrote:

I noticed a few disjointed metaphors that just didn't make any sense to me, or were left unexplained. Was he a "darkened figure" because he was silouetted against the light shining through the doorway, because he was dark with anger, or because he was covered in tar? "He'd slithered inside" contrasts with "the tableau" (as in a play?) Is he a snake or an actor? I noticed "the gentle creak of the doorknob sounded like a death knell. " I don't know if I would compare the creaking of a doorknob to the ringing of bells.

***This was a biggie for me, too. The combination of the faulty grammar, heavy adjective usage and the POV detracted from what is an intense story. The content is solid. A revision would improve this and render a disturbing tale that should be told.

I agree with the commenter who suggested writing this in first person. The nature of the story makes this POV a better approach. With the girl telling the story, I believe you can more easily describe the anger, pain, and manipulation. An intimate account would heighten the identification for the reader. At least for me it would.

I think you tried too hard to describe her feelings. Had she described the incident in her own voice, I believe the words would flow more naturally.

If this were my story, the victim would narrate the events either in a detached voice illustrating a known coping mechanism or she'd describe his actions with fear, anger, hatred and self-loathing.

Above all, I would strive to draw the picture and trust the reader to experience her emotions. I would not tell the reader how vile it was, I'd try to show it.

Thanks for the read. Kudos, for writing the unpopular story that many would prefer not to acknowledge.

Peace,

daughter

 

[horny_giraffe]

I agree that this story might work much better from a first person perspective.

Are you familiar with the idea of intimism? I'm not sure if that is exactly what you want to be doing with this story, but the author also mentions what she calls expressionist techniques. I thought this article was very interesting.

http://www.pcnet.com/dpcc/assoc/lpetix/intimism.html

Forgive me if you are one of those heavily-degreed people for which this sort of thing is old hat and cliche. I found it very enlightening.

 

[Mickie]

Ah, I'm back from the land of the computerless. Had to replace the tower. But -- to continue some of the ideas put up here --

I like the idea of doing this kind of thing first person. It would put the reader smack dab into the story, which would allow the feelings of anger and loathing to be even more present than they are now. One thing that would have to be made clear, though, is if the child was writing it as an adult looking back, or as a child remembering last night. That kind of time tense stuff is important in the kind of wording that would be chosen.

Would it have been better in first person? In my opinion, it would have more potential to do exactly what KM wanted it to do -- shock, provoke, etc.

Did it provide an emotional response the way it is? Yup. Enough of one for me to walk away and stew for a while before thinking of trying to discuss it. That doesn't mean it couldn't be polished up to get even more of a reaction out of me.

I was one of those cipher kids, you know, those zero's that no one really noticed. The strange one who stood off to the side and said very little unless asked. I wanted to find the words to force people out of their safe little cocoons. I wanted them to understand me, and so I took up writing them out. Saying them was so inferior to writing them. I'm still trying to make people weep, or scream, or tear their hair out. This story is one of those topics that can accomplish that kind of reaction. It begins to approach that just the way it is. But it can go so much farther with just a little more ... polish? focus? intensity? I don't know, but I think each word should be placed on the page with the tip of a knife. If you can follow that.

The male pov. You do provide a good look at who he is with the few clues that are given. His hesitation when he enters the room, as if he's trying to convince himself that he can do this again. The small messages his actions give. It's a good character, and you don't need to add in his pov. It depends on the focus you want to give to this. Her perception of him is really all that's needed if it's only her story. Her understanding of his actions.

The biggest problem I had with it (after I'd tried to write out my thoughts a few times ) was the juxtaposition of child/adult. Which is she? Any confusion you stir up should be answered by the end of the story. If it isn't answered, you have less of a definite reaction.

If I was going to write this story, (and you know, KM, I have a half a mind to do something along these lines. A good story usually does that to me. It's ... um ... inspiring.) I would tell it first person from her pov, and make her an adult remembering the past. The rage she feels now would color the memory with adult fury, and that would make a bit of a difference in how the memory is perceived. Or, I'd do it first person from the father's pov and get myself a few nasty emails saying someone should turn me in for the safety of my own children.

You've acheived your purpose with this story. You've made the reader respond. Now, what more could you do to increase the intensity of the response? That's the question I'd be asking.

Mickie

 

[abashed-dreamer]

pov

Hi KM

You said,
I kept it in her POV because I wanted those roles clearly defined.

Others, with some exceptions, have spoken of the girl's pov.
I don't this this is the case, but the unclarity is one of the
story's problems. The narrator is plainly not the little girl, as
indicated in the vocabulary. Further, this narrator is apparently 'there' in a sense, hovering above; she notices how he folds his clothes, which the girl is obviously not watching; indeed the appearance at the door, the dark figure is presumably NOT seen by the girl, who is probably huddled up looking away. This kind of 'presence' would not fit the narrative of an adult looking back, since the adult (as a child) probably didn't see these events (like folding the shirt). The literary quality also suggests it's not her as an adult, either (unless she went to writing school). Now this narrator has a privileged position of being able, to know some of what the girl is feeling, i.e., her fear. The girls sensations are less apparent (known and talked of).

I do not agree with several otherwise cogent analyses, here, that first person, particularly as little girl (somewhat like the diary in "The Color Purple"), would work better.

This third person, semi-knowing narrator, with a degree of sympathy obviously could be very effective [and this is in fact the case], since she can do things like comment on the kid's vulnerability. She has more scope that even the child as adult, in that she can think of as nice metaphors as she pleases, about whoredom, etc.; an adult survivor would be less likely to wax poetic and less skilled in embellishing. Since you LOVE to do that, you would find 'adult looking back' very confining, though not so much as the little girl's stream of consciousness. Again, unless the adult looking back had gone to writers' workshops she would not likely be talking about 'acidic tigers'. That is the skilled story telling, and almost professional word choice one expects of this third person narrator.
Now, if the story is partly autobiographical, your situation IS complicated; you indeed are the adult who has practiced writing and gotten good at it. Yet, again, you might feel at tension between giving and 'unadorned' account (as in Kiss Daddy Goodnight, by C. Allen) and a more literary account. I think too, it would have to be explained. "I've been writing for years, but finally decided to set down what happened."

This analysis affects the issue of sentence fragments. Such fragments do not, if I am right, directly evidence the child's shattered world, her terrified fragmenting of thought. They are NOT her fragments. The narrator, for impact, may choose them, as she does at certain points; they are reminiscent of [analogous to] the girl's state, to be sure, but the narrator never loses control and is downright reflective at the end--sperm running possessively--rather than traumatized.

abashed-dreamer
'jack'
lfmn2x@hotmail.com