Ambiguous Headlines: The Joyful Art of Malapropism

[crysede]

I needed a laugh this morning and I thought I might as well share it with y'all, since I'm a very giving person . Please add any of your own headline/title/add snafu's, I'll probably need more laughs later on (writing term papers will do that to a person)!

Ambiguous Newspaper Headlines:
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM LOVED ONE
NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
PANDA MATING FAILS - VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE, JURY HUNG
TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER

 

[Black_Bird]

Oh my...

 

[heterotic]

I don't remember which newspaper this came from, but it's a real headline--with the only typo being one space inappropriately removed:

Thompson's PenIs Mightier Than Sword

 

[crysede]

Oh my...

Oh don't you be pullin' that Miss Cleo, like y'have never seen nothin' strange in those cards a'yours, eh missie? Yeah, y'know jus' whut I be talkin' 'bout, honnee! (yeah well I'm a white chick, so how realistic an accent could you expect...)

Thanks heterotic, that one made me lol for real! I'll bet the local guys were wondering how much Thompson had to pay for that, and who they need to call!

Yet More Newspaper Headlines, ‘Cause I Feel Like It:
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAYS (No! Really?!)
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
STUD TIRES OUT
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE (well, at least he's honest about it)
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS D LMAO I love this one!)
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH (damned unreasonable unions!)
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT (well that'll bring down the recidivism rate)
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES (...and sometimes they don't just pass in the night)
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

 

[LukkyKnight]

~LMAO~

Amusing as always, crysede. Thanks.

 

[crysede]

Thanks Lukky (and charming as always )!

Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins:

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and desserts will be served for a nominal feel.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge---Up Yours."

This evening at 7pm, there will be a sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

[SpectralDragoon]

Good stuff!

 

[JazzManJim]

This one I remember was from my local paper, when one of the high school football teams had a great running back and were playing for the championship. The guys name was Jason Christ (Pronounced Krist) and the headline read:

"Christ to lead McDonough to Football Title".

Yeah....they were a shoe in weren't they?

 

[crysede]

Hmmm, I wonder if the other team still bothered to pray? It would seem kinda pointless...

Ok, the paper is done, so time for some celebratory silliness before bed!

Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods:

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (this is really good advice, I think it should be included on all chains saws!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

 

[freescorfr]

Like the prostitutes and poe one I saw this in Oxford:

Housewife appeals to petty thief.

And the Famous;

Homosexual Bill goes to the House of Lords.

Then there was my favourite from the Sun, on the Queen's speech in which she had taled of her "Annus Horibilis"

ONE'S BUM YEAR!

 

[apple3141]

Thank you, Thank you Crisede!!

Appropriate day for making all our day.

 

[crysede]

Thanks Geo!

Ah, good ol'homosexual Bill, what a great guy - really brought some class to the House...