Am I wrong to want a lover?

[Uncle South Loop]

Her medical problems ended the wonderful intimacy we once had. After 30 years, I've become her caregiver. I can't leave her when she needs me without changing the person I am.

I'm still healthy and the years have been kind to me. I write stories as a way of coping with what I deeply miss. They help some. Odds are slim of finding a woman in a similar situation. Yet, I keep hoping. Is it wrong for me to want a lover?

Restless in Chicago,

Uncle South Loop

 

[Guest]

 

[OldestMotive]

I'm sorry to hear about your wife, Uncle. Your difficulty with these feelings comes through loud and clear. I don't know that you'll ever convice yourself, or anyone else, that finding someone else is right at this point, but your feelings are understandable.

Without knowing the exact situation, about the best anyone can do is toss out ideas. Given that, are there other options that you might consider? For example, you say you write stories which suggests a good imagination. Could she participate with you verbally, even though she can't participate physically? You might be able to tell her stories where she can participate, or respond. Also, are you able to talk to her about the situation and your needs. Maybe she would have some thoughts that would help.

Lit can provide plenty of stimulation without actually meeting someone, but I'm sure you've figured that out. Plus, there are some really nice people here with whom you can develop friendships. It isn't the same as physical contact, but maybe it can ease the pain a little.

If you want someone to just talk to, send me a PM sometime.

 

[April52a]

loss of libido / Yes

Little information is given as to how to deal with suddenly being faced with complete loss of libido and potency, without any other factors. I have looked for information and have found virtually none.

I have found myself to be totally frustrated, especially over the past several months. My husband had a radical prostatectomy a year and a half ago. I was waiting for that magical one year period to pass and then poof -- everything is back to normal.

Didn't happen and I'm very frustrated. My husband is 55 and I am 53. He is in absolute denial that there is anything wrong with our relationship. He has closed all line of communication with me regarding any "romance" and I feel so emotionally void that I feel like I'm getting to a point where I might break. I have told him many times that it's not about physical sex, but emotional closeness that is important to me. His feelings are that if he can't have sex "like we used to" that he is not going to do anything! He won't make an effort to just cuddle because he knows that it's not going to get HIM anywhere. April

Am I being selfish? I know that I should be very grateful that his cancer was detected so early and that he has an excellent chance of it not recurring, but I don't know how much more of this I can handle. He tells me that I don't know what it feels like for him to loose his manhood, but I feel very much like I've lost my womanhood. APRIL

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Uncle South Loop and April25a, you're going through a horrendous time in your life, in which your mate's health problems are killing your sex life. It's nothing they really could have prevented or controlled, and now here you are, married, in need of sexual love, and you cannot get it from your mate.

The moralistic response is 'you promised to stay with your mate, in sickness and in health', but who can possibly sit and pass judgement? People like me, who've never been through it? I don't think so. I doubt people who have been through it and did stay faithful, can say it was at all an easy thing to do.

I can't say if it's wrong for you to want a lover. All I can say is it's no doubt a painful experience.

Have either of you sought counseling? er, I know that is a fucking corny thing to say, but...

 

[deezire1900]

What is the need...that is my question. If it is pure physical then that I understand. If it is the emotion, then the relationship may be in trouble. I have not had a similar situation, but when couples drift apart (in my experience)...sex is the first to go, not due to the physical, but the emotional connection.

Good luck to you...and the nasty girl in me..says what about the tounge is that broke too?

 

[akron]

as long as you sit down and talk to her and speak the truth about what you are feeling and she ok's it then it would be ok

 

[TheCyberPoet]

After 30 years, I've become her caregiver.

I'm not quite sure how to take what you've written; whether you mean that she is totally incapacitated (such as a severe stroke, a loss of mental capacitance, paralyzation from T4 down, etc.), or just that she doesn't have any libido any more as a side-effect of something that isn't quite that disabilitating, and thus no desire for sexual liaisons. Clarification before I dispense any real advice would be greatly appreciated.

It might be noted that if it is merely her hormones coming into play (or out of play) at that age when some women claim to lose desire (post-menopause, or during), there are hormonal suppliments on the market for the sake of regulating her bone density and other vital functions which have the side effects of improving her libido again. I would suggest talking to a doctor about it in that sense. Also, most women rediscover their sexuality in a new sense about five years post menopause, and come to enjoy sex again, although in a different light. As for yourself, please do take matters into your own hands for the time being, as an untended prostate is an unhealthy one. Once you provide a bit more insight into the actual circumstances, I will be pleased to provide you with more recommendations that would be befitting your situation.

My husband had a radical prostatectomy a year and a half ago. I was waiting for that magical one year period to pass and then poof -- everything is back to normal.

Unfortunately, sweetheart, a radical prostatectomy is, by definition, usually the loss of the ability to acheive and maintain an erection, as well as to acheive an orgasm, when it comes to men. It is a sad fate in so many senses, but he should be glad that it was caught in time, as most men who have such problems die from them not being caught in time. Perhaps instead of complaining, you should be thanking your lucky stars that he is still a part of your life at all? Meanwhile, solutions...

I have a number of friends in that 45 - 60 bracket who have had penile pumps installed and swear by them... the surgery runs between $5k and $11k (definitely get client opinions before going with a specific surgeon, for there is some talent required for it to be a fast recovery without issue), and after that, for the next 10 to 20 years, a few pumps on a small hidden bladder beneath his testicles will give him the hard on of a 15 year old.

My guess is that your husband feels like less of a man for his inability to acheive a hard-on, and thus the issue of sex is one of embarrassment and discomfort for him, thus something he intentionally avoids. He needs to be retrained to think of it in a different light, different terms, whereby his ability to make you cum becomes equated with his own manhood, instead of his ability to get hard (his tongue, fingers still work just fine, right?)... A good therapist -- and I do mean good, for many do more damage than good -- could be a great help, especially in conjunction with the penile implant.

Unfortunately for your husband, there may never be another orgasm realized even with the mechanical assistance. On the other hand, he may (and this may be worth explaining to him) come to find that he can acheive orgasm without ejaculation, and combined with the penile implant, could mean an ability to actually have female-like multiple orgasms, with practice. Yes, it really can happen...

Best of Luck!
=-= The CyberPoet

 

[Uncle South Loop]

Thank you all for your respones. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear in my original post. My wife's problems (in descending order of seriousness) are: Rheumatoid arthritus, lupus, high blood pressure, asthma along with steel bars in her spine and has had a total right knee replacement. She frequent rheumatoid problems: with her eyes, struggles to maintain a potassium level (making her high risk for a heart attack), an overall loss of muscle strength.

She takes 9 different kinds of pills including hormones twice a day. including hormones which there is a good chance are being offset by her other medications. I give her a daily injection of her rhemitoid medicine.

By comparison, I realize my desire for intimacy seems petty. Yet, are not caregivers entitled to search for happiness?

 

[BirdsWife]

I have MS, and there was a time when I was not physically capable of intercourse with my husband. However, we remained intimate through talking and sharing what we could. Touching each other, exchanging loving words, and discussing the wonderful times you shared when your wife was healthy are all ways you can experience intimacy without betraying your vows.

Unless your wife has limited mental capacity, you should talk to her about your needs and concerns. It isn't selfish to want intimacy, but you should at least give her the opportunity to share her thoughts on the subject. She probably misses being close just as much as you do. She just might suprise you and give you permission to seek solace in the arms of another. It depends on your particular situation.

Whether or not it is voiced, an incredible amount of guilt can go along with being the dependent one, just as unspoken resentment can be a normal part of constantly caring for someone who cannot care for him/herself. Could it be that you are just feeling the overwhelming stress of being her caregiver? Could this be a subconcious way of "getting even" with her for being ill? These aren't easy things to think about, but then constantly putting someone's needs ahead of your own isn't easy either. Perhaps just having someone to talk with who puts your needs first would be enough of a break for this desire for a lover to pass.


In the end, only you can decide what to do, but wanting a lover and actually taking one on are entirely different things. No one can fault you for what goes on inside your head. It is when those thoughts manifest themselves in reality that you need to consider the other "person in your marriage.

Feel free to PM me any time you need a sympathetic ear.

 

[Native Alien]

Cyber Poet says

I'm not quite sure how to take what you've written; whether you mean that she is totally incapacitated (such as a severe stroke, a loss of mental capacitance, paralyzation from T4 down, etc.), or just that she doesn't have any libido any more as a side-effect of something that isn't quite that disabilitating, and thus no desire for sexual liaisons. Clarification before I dispense any real advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have to say that I agree with you Cyber Poet. I would need futher information on this one before I would even venture an opinion. Is the incapacitation one that is just physical or is there more to it than that? Is she unable to have any type of response or just the one that you want? Has the relationship died because of her mental or emotional status?

Even if the incapacitation is from medication it would help greatly to know the extent of it.

 

[TheCyberPoet]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear in my original post. My wife's problems (in descending order of seriousness) are: Rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, high blood pressure, asthma along with steel bars in her spine and has had a total right knee replacement. She frequent rheumatoid problems: with her eyes, struggles to maintain a potassium level (making her high risk for a heart attack), an overall loss of muscle strength.

She takes 9 different kinds of pills including hormones twice a day. including hormones which there is a good chance are being offset by her other medications. I give her a daily injection of her rheumatoid medicine.

By comparison, I realize my desire for intimacy seems petty. Yet, are not caregivers entitled to search for happiness?

Given the lupus and medicines, her injuries and her age, her lack of desires in terms of participation are rather easily understandable. Now the questions become "how good is your communication levels and openness?" and "what avenues are available that are within your mutually-agreeable sphere?". You have reached an age where single women are in mass abundance, often widowed early, and would be pleased to be able to share anything from occasional sex to possibly even a live-in triad. The question is how will your other half react to such a request, and will it be in part or in whole from guilt? Will raising such questions cause her to damage herself with her fears and thoughts?

Also, is it just the sex that you are missing, or is there a degree of romance that is missing, and personal intimacy beyond the sexual that is also not adequately represented? If so, the rest of this advice is not necessarily appropriate, because it addresses a sexual lack in your life and not specifically a romantic/intimate lack on a different level.

Thus my advice is as follows for your sexual lack:


Tell her that you greatly miss the sexual aspects of your relationship, and that this desire has become serious enough that you feel something needs to change within your relationship in order to maintain yourself, just as you maintain her. Make sure you include the following alternatives within your discussions:

(A) Shared pornography -- that you masturbate to videos, etc., while she takes part or caresses you, so as to be part of the loop: your pleasure may be a source of pleasure for her as well in a different context;

(B) Your participation in a local masturbation club (depending on where you live, they probably exist): members of both sexes meet weekly or monthly for the purpose of shared masturbation (not to be confused with mutual masturbation -- you are still playing with yourself), which may or may not be deemed as an acceptable alternative by your other half;

(C) Seeking an outside lover who would have full knowledge of your situation (and ideally, someone in a similar situation with their own mate);

(D) Seeking an inside lover -- someone who would act as proxy for her, with her presence and at least visual/verbal participation;

(E) A live-in girlfriend to both of you - someone who was your lover, but also her confidant, care giver and joy-sharer. Although this is belittling to some, I have known of disabled individuals who found that this was the best way to ensure that their relationship remained both healthy and happy in the long term (and they got more non-sexual affection as a result);

(F) Participation in a swinger's group or other sexual-socialized club activity. This may present less of a threat because there may be less of a perceived threat of intimacy in your wife's eyes, the most serious worry of all of this.

If for some reason, you chose to have an affair without her permission/knowledge, the most important pieces of advice come:

(1) Do not ever, ever tell her. The damages inflicted by your acknowledgment after the fact are infinitely greater than any burden of guilt that you might carry. Having been married so long, you may find that, having attempted to have an affair, you can not do so with a clear conscious, in which case you will have learned something more about yourself. It is not uncommon for people in your position (married 30 years) to find that the joy is not worth the burden after the fact.

(2) Set a set of rules for your own behavior in terms of when/where/how/whom and what won't change at home. Then be sure not to violate them. An affair can be thrilling, spontaneous, ego-boosting, healthy in some senses, but it can easily distract you from the primary relationship you already have if you're not careful (new toy on christmas syndrome), and involuntarily alter the dynamics of how you interact with your wife.

 

[Native Alien]

Thank you, Cyber Poet, for a very well thought out post that says what I could not put into words.

 

[Uncle South Loop]

Thank you, Cyber Poet for taking the time to give me a thoroughly complete answer to my question. Your answer is much appreciated. May you be greatly rewarded for your thoughtfullness, your compassion and the wisdom you share freely with others.

 

[The_Dragon_Tamer]

Her medical problems ended the wonderful intimacy we once had. After 30 years, I've become her caregiver. I can't leave her when she needs me without changing the person I am.

I'm still healthy and the years have been kind to me. I write stories as a way of coping with what I deeply miss. They help some. Odds are slim of finding a woman in a similar situation. Yet, I keep hoping. Is it wrong for me to want a lover?

Restless in Chicago,

Uncle South Loop

Sir Uncle South Loop, your words and circumstances did'st touch my heart deeply. Ye must understand that I was where you now are. I was't six years older than my wife, when her medical problems became almost overwhelming. My heart ached from the pain that she was going through. She died at the tender age of 39 about three years ago. We were intimate in many ways in mind and body, without necessarily any intercourse. I doth know not why I tell you this, but as I did'st say'eth before, it touched my heart and brought back both painful but also happy memories of our last times together. I know not your heart, your mind or your soul, but I beseeth thee not to give up or feel less fulfilled. I present to you my humble and simple ramblings...mayhaps ye can find an answer that ye seeketh there.

My Ramblings on Love and Vows

"For better or for worse",
What truely doth these five small but significant words mean?
To some it be almost a curse,
Others,"For better" is only what they doth hear it would'st seem.

"In sickness and in health"
Five more words that be skipped over lightly in the vows.
'Health' too often equated with 'wealth',
And 'sickness' be not tolerated, nor the heart allows.

The words and vows be true,
A love that's pure and true doth willingly accept these things.
For with love it doth accrue,
And thus the reason for special vows and meaningful rings.

To expect only a 'happy' life,
Is to deny thyself and thy lifemate the growth of your shared love.
Love and life, with problems is rife,
'Tis difficulties that doth test this love, sent by the Creator above.

Look within this love and find,
The answers to the questions that thou doth seek.
True Love is compassionate and kind,
It doth but grow stronger in adversity, and not weak.

Thy heart, at times, may feel like it doth break,
But it is in these times of stress that love be'th put to the test.
Open thy heart and soul and let them awake,
For it is then you both will experience your love at its very best.

 

[catastrophe]

.....