am i wasting my time?

[CherryBomb24]

Ok i will start from the beginning and give a reason to my thinking, or over thinking. Excuse the long drawn out post but i dont know any other way to get all the details in.

about 5 years ago i was in a really bad relationship. Got beat several times a weak, when the asshole went after my kid i finally worked up the courage to leave. Have been a lil fucked up since. I'm over bearing i guess you could say.
When i get close to someone-i really get close. I put my all into it and expect the same. I fall too quickly, and yes i'm admitting that.

Ok now for my issue.
I started dating a guy i have known for 10 years, in April 09. He's military so part of our relationship was long distance. I always took everything he said so literally. Like it was guarenteed to happen and i dont think he realized this or was just trying to prepare me for the worst.
He deployed in july to afghanistan and i havent talked to him since.
No phone calls / no letters / no emails / no offline messages. I have sent him a few offline messages and a few letters, a few boxes of goodies and my good luck charm <a necklace with the serenity prayer.
But anyway, before he left he had made several comments that he didnt want to be with me, that i was to pessimistic and over bearing and basically didnt talk to me at all for a week before he left. The morning he left, he called me about 9am saying he was sorry and wanted me to be here when he comes home, and when he comes home he wants us to get an apartment.
He told me that i needed to go over to his moms regularly so i could be part of the family while he's gone, that i would need it and that his mom would need it. So i have been.
His mom has been really good about the whole thing. She keeps telling me that she misses the way i use to be, this outgoing loving person who always tried when i was able to. she says now i'm just a shell- - that i care too much about everyone else and not about myself. that i let to many people walk all over me and never take my stand like i use to. She keeps reassuring me that he cares about me more then he has anyone. That he stood up for me to his grandparents <which he would never do unless he cared deeply.
A part of me believes her, but a part of me keeps going back to the text messages of "i'm done with you." and the fact that i havent gotten as little as an offline message saying 'hi'.

If i missed any details please ask.
Am i wasting my time? I think he's worth waiting a year for, but am i worth coming home to? I'm afraid of waiting a year to find out he really doesnt give a shit about me and hasnt for this entire year. Am i letting him walk all over me by waiting?

CB

 

[silverwhisper]

my BIL was deployed to iraq as a USMC reservist and know how much care packages and letters meant to him. if he isn't responding to your contact, or even passing on messages to you through his family (because i'm sure he's making the time to talk with them), then yeah, i'd say you really need to re-evaluate this.

ed

 

[CherryBomb24]

my BIL was deployed to iraq as a USMC reservist and know how much care packages and letters meant to him. if he isn't responding to your contact, or even passing on messages to you through his family (because i'm sure he's making the time to talk with them), then yeah, i'd say you really need to re-evaluate this.

ed

according to his mom - he's only called home once and no letters<Yet>.
She said that "from him, no news is good news"
I know it sounds like i'm trying to defend him but i missed some details and thought i should throw that out there.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Ok i will start from the beginning and give a reason to my thinking, or over thinking. Excuse the long drawn out post but i dont know any other way to get all the details in.

about 5 years ago i was in a really bad relationship. Got beat several times a weak, when the asshole went after my kid i finally worked up the courage to leave. Have been a lil fucked up since. I'm over bearing i guess you could say.
When i get close to someone-i really get close. I put my all into it and expect the same. I fall too quickly, and yes i'm admitting that.

Ok now for my issue.
I started dating a guy i have known for 10 years, in April 09. He's military so part of our relationship was long distance. I always took everything he said so literally. Like it was guarenteed to happen and i dont think he realized this or was just trying to prepare me for the worst.
He deployed in july to afghanistan and i havent talked to him since.
No phone calls / no letters / no emails / no offline messages. I have sent him a few offline messages and a few letters, a few boxes of goodies and my good luck charm <a necklace with the serenity prayer.
But anyway, before he left he had made several comments that he didnt want to be with me, that i was to pessimistic and over bearing and basically didnt talk to me at all for a week before he left. The morning he left, he called me about 9am saying he was sorry and wanted me to be here when he comes home, and when he comes home he wants us to get an apartment.
He told me that i needed to go over to his moms regularly so i could be part of the family while he's gone, that i would need it and that his mom would need it. So i have been.
His mom has been really good about the whole thing. She keeps telling me that she misses the way i use to be, this outgoing loving person who always tried when i was able to. she says now i'm just a shell- - that i care too much about everyone else and not about myself. that i let to many people walk all over me and never take my stand like i use to. She keeps reassuring me that he cares about me more then he has anyone. That he stood up for me to his grandparents <which he would never do unless he cared deeply.
A part of me believes her, but a part of me keeps going back to the text messages of "i'm done with you." and the fact that i havent gotten as little as an offline message saying 'hi'.

If i missed any details please ask.
Am i wasting my time? I think he's worth waiting a year for, but am i worth coming home to? I'm afraid of waiting a year to find out he really doesnt give a shit about me and hasnt for this entire year. Am i letting him walk all over me by waiting?

CB

Going purely on what you've said, this is how I read things.

You start dating after a 10year acquaintance and 4 months later he goes to war. Despite having known you a decade, he suddenly decides you're pessimistic and overbearing and subsequently splits up with you. When he gets posted out, he reconsiders and makes the impulsive suggestion you should move in together on his return, despite your short time as a couple and your previous issues. Then, he marches off into the sunset and goes silent on you for 2 months.

Sounds to me like he wanted someone waiting back home, sending care packages and so on. Who wants to be one of the guys who doesn't get goodies from a devoted woman? Serving in a war zone is no easy undertaking and I can understand why he would want to know that someone back home is worrying about him but regardless of that, I think he's treated you poorly. I know soldiers have to be careful about how they contact home and what info they divulge about their movements. At the very least, he should have been able to send a letter by snail mail or call you. If he can call his mum - even only once - he can call you, right?

I think he's using you as an emotional security blanket. The idea of living together on his return may be an impulsively romantic one but can you honestly see it working, given how things were before he left? In my opinion, if he was genuinely remorseful about breaking up with you so brutally he would be making an effort to contact you when possible. You can't tell me there has been no opportunity for him to do this in the last eight weeks. Also, the things he said about you must have been hurtful. Do you really want or need someone who spends all their time bitching about your perceived character flaws, while failing to do anything to atone for his own?

Unless something serious has happened to him, he's making no effort whatsoever to keep himself in your thoughts or rebuild your bond while he's overseas. That, more than anything else, suggests to me that he's just not that into you.

Sorry I can't be more positive.

 

[NightL]

Completely wasting your time...

Completely wasting your time...

As he was being deployed he was just hedging his bets while scared and nervous. He asked you to visit his mother... but has only made the one contact with her... he obviously does not even hold her in high esteem... Warning signs are massive here... don't put your life on hold for this arsehole.

Now I will congratulate you on getting out of a previous abusive relationship... but your wording of that worries me... I will state straight away that it is no sense on dwelling on the past, as it can not be changed... except for when there is a real danger of history repeating itself.

You have a responsibility to protect your child TOTALLY!!! ...and that also means you have to look after yourself... In order for you to protect your child and provide a loving and caring environment YOU HAVE TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF!!! yes I am shouting...

Time to stop putting yourself down... just get on with the job of being a parent that your child will grow up being proud of and feeling how lucky they were to have a mother like you.

For every decision you make... ask yourself is this in my child's best interest...!

When you find a man who respects you as a mother and tries in their best, to help and provide for you both, only then allow some of yourself to give back. A mother needs nurturing as well... A true man will love and care for you both.

This "guy" is not acting like a true man... You deserve better... and your child needs much better than for you to be making bad decisions.

You have your own precious child to look after... you do not have to look after his mother... you do not have to put yourself on hold for someone who does not have the decency to have regular contact with his own mother or you. Walk from this situation as quickly as you can... your child and you deserve better.

When you start holding yourself in higher esteem... you will attract a better quality man. A true man will look upon the quality of parenting you are providing for your child... they will respect that... they will understand that you are a mother before anything else... your strength will attract them and you will have their respect and support. Don't settle for anything less... ever... that is what you owe to your child and to yourself.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

When you start holding yourself in higher esteem... you will attract a better quality man.

This is true and a good point. Many women who have survived abusive relationships feel like they've been tarnished in some way by it. That a man they loved could view them with contempt and abuse them is humiliating. Women feel guilty for suffering as long as they did, for being cowed, for allowing the abuse. In some ways, they feel partly responsible for the abuse, that they enabled it by staying. Abusive men quickly become skilled at the 'look what you made me do' mindfuck. It's psychological abuse and control and it can take years to shake off.

All of this is so much bullshit. People hamstring themselves because they become afraid of success and happiness. They feel undeserving of it or that it will give them a taste of what they want and need before evaporating.

You are pessimistic because life has made you cynical. It's not a character flaw, it's a survival technique. This man is doing nothing to help you with that, in fact, he's making it worse. By treating you with disregard, he's echoing all the things your abusive ex likely said to demoralise you. You do not need this man, so I find it hard to understand why you want him. You fall too fast and give too much because you need love, you've been starved of love and affection. You can temper that need and be more discerning if you stop imagining that the person you've just met is your last chance at happiness or that there might not be a better prospect around the corner. It sucks to be a single mum but it sucks far more to be an unhappy partner or spouse. Do things on your own terms. If a guy doesn't put some serious effort into wooing you and making you feel special, he isn't worth the time of day.

Cut your losses is my advice. There's much better for you out there. You are just as beautiful and valuable a person now as you were before you ever laid eyes on your ex husband, let alone this selfish soldierboy. Remember who you were back then? You can be her. You are her. You just have to remember who she is and believe in her.

 

[emap]

I'm not gonna stay leave him, I'm not gonna say stay with him, he's a soldier deployed having time to make phone calls or write letters isn't always easy.

That said, he has given you plenty of time to do what you need to do, namely, see a phsychiatrist, therapist or shrink. Whatever you want to call them you are in need of one, leaving an abusive husband isn't the end of the trouble, you know this yourself. You need help in dealing with the demons he has put in your head.

Until you can get the past into the past, you are not ready for a relationship. Think about it, you said it yourself, when you fall for someone you put everything into them. That isn't healthy, you need to step back, seek professional help and perhaps when he comes back you will be ready for a relationship and closer to the person he knew rather than the shell you happen to be right now.

Abusive husbands take alot more than people realize. They rob women of their dignity, pride, self esteem, willpower, and in many cases the ability to say no. Be glad you had children, most of the abused wives who don't have kids, either die or kill their husband and spend alot of time in psych wards. All abused wives need the psych ward though, if you don't have insurance to pay for a professional, seek help. There are abused wives groups everywhere and they usually will have a group or psychiatrist who will do treatment for cheap/free. Not to mention there are groups, usually in community colleges that meet once a week or more for abused wives and husbands.

 

[SweetErika]

Completely wasting your time...

As he was being deployed he was just hedging his bets while scared and nervous. He asked you to visit his mother... but has only made the one contact with her... he obviously does not even hold her in high esteem... Warning signs are massive here... don't put your life on hold for this arsehole.

Now I will congratulate you on getting out of a previous abusive relationship... but your wording of that worries me... I will state straight away that it is no sense on dwelling on the past, as it can not be changed... except for when there is a real danger of history repeating itself.

You have a responsibility to protect your child TOTALLY!!! ...and that also means you have to look after yourself... In order for you to protect your child and provide a loving and caring environment YOU HAVE TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF!!! yes I am shouting...

Time to stop putting yourself down... just get on with the job of being a parent that your child will grow up being proud of and feeling how lucky they were to have a mother like you.

For every decision you make... ask yourself is this in my child's best interest...!

When you find a man who respects you as a mother and tries in their best, to help and provide for you both, only then allow some of yourself to give back. A mother needs nurturing as well... A true man will love and care for you both.

This "guy" is not acting like a true man... You deserve better... and your child needs much better than for you to be making bad decisions.

You have your own precious child to look after... you do not have to look after his mother... you do not have to put yourself on hold for someone who does not have the decency to have regular contact with his own mother or you. Walk from this situation as quickly as you can... your child and you deserve better.

When you start holding yourself in higher esteem... you will attract a better quality man. A true man will look upon the quality of parenting you are providing for your child... they will respect that... they will understand that you are a mother before anything else... your strength will attract them and you will have their respect and support. Don't settle for anything less... ever... that is what you owe to your child and to yourself.

This is a really fabulous post, and I hope you heed NightL's words, CB.

I don't know if you're wasting your time with this guy or not, but it doesn't sound like a particularly good relationship for you. Maybe it's allowing you to put off dealing with your issues, or perhaps it's just putting you on a bad path emotionally, but given the history it hardly seems fair for him to ask you to stand by as his girlfriend while he's gone and out of contact for god knows how long.

There's no reason you can't continue to contact him and send him stuff as a friend. Or talk to his mom to see how she's holding up as someone who also cares about him. Or even file him away as a relationship possibility in the future, once he's settled back in and you've worked on yourself enough to have quality relationships.

And meanwhile, just date yourself. Pour everything you have into that relationship so you actually have a good shot if/when you meet the right person (whether that's this guy or someone else).

 

[CherryBomb24]

I AM NOT A FUCKING DOORMAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH!

i really have no other place to vent shit to, not just this type of shit but in general, so i'm sorry for spamming you guys.

is there a good blog / journal thats private?
Thats private - my eyes only.
I'm no good with hand writing stuff because i get completely off space.
And my computer is more public than private with all the people on it daily.
Any ideas for private journals?

 

[Eilan]

i really have no other place to vent shit to, not just this type of shit but in general, so i'm sorry for spamming you guys.

That's what this place is for.

 

[MisterSir]

'm not gonna stay leave him, I'm not gonna say stay with him, he's a soldier deployed having time to make phone calls or write letters isn't always easy.

No, but the best part of two months without a word? Unless he's been deployed on some kind of super black-ops shit, that's not really acceptable for anybody.

 

[m468h]

Ok i will start from the beginning and give a reason to my thinking, or over thinking. Excuse the long drawn out post but i dont know any other way to get all the details in.

about 5 years ago i was in a really bad relationship. Got beat several times a weak, when the asshole went after my kid i finally worked up the courage to leave. Have been a lil fucked up since. I'm over bearing i guess you could say.
When i get close to someone-i really get close. I put my all into it and expect the same. I fall too quickly, and yes i'm admitting that.

Ok now for my issue.
I started dating a guy i have known for 10 years, in April 09. He's military so part of our relationship was long distance. I always took everything he said so literally. Like it was guarenteed to happen and i dont think he realized this or was just trying to prepare me for the worst.
He deployed in july to afghanistan and i havent talked to him since.
No phone calls / no letters / no emails / no offline messages. I have sent him a few offline messages and a few letters, a few boxes of goodies and my good luck charm <a necklace with the serenity prayer.
But anyway, before he left he had made several comments that he didnt want to be with me, that i was to pessimistic and over bearing and basically didnt talk to me at all for a week before he left. The morning he left, he called me about 9am saying he was sorry and wanted me to be here when he comes home, and when he comes home he wants us to get an apartment.
He told me that i needed to go over to his moms regularly so i could be part of the family while he's gone, that i would need it and that his mom would need it. So i have been.
His mom has been really good about the whole thing. She keeps telling me that she misses the way i use to be, this outgoing loving person who always tried when i was able to. she says now i'm just a shell- - that i care too much about everyone else and not about myself. that i let to many people walk all over me and never take my stand like i use to. She keeps reassuring me that he cares about me more then he has anyone. That he stood up for me to his grandparents <which he would never do unless he cared deeply.
A part of me believes her, but a part of me keeps going back to the text messages of "i'm done with you." and the fact that i havent gotten as little as an offline message saying 'hi'.

If i missed any details please ask.
Am i wasting my time? I think he's worth waiting a year for, but am i worth coming home to? I'm afraid of waiting a year to find out he really doesnt give a shit about me and hasnt for this entire year. Am i letting him walk all over me by waiting?

CB

I'm sorry for you. You deserve way more. No contact means not interested. I hope you move on and find someone who appreciates you.

 

[PeterHenson]

I AM NOT A FUCKING DOORMAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH!

i really have no other place to vent shit to, not just this type of shit but in general, so i'm sorry for spamming you guys.

is there a good blog / journal thats private?
Thats private - my eyes only.
I'm no good with hand writing stuff because i get completely off space.
And my computer is more public than private with all the people on it daily.
Any ideas for private journals?

Your not a doormat, but you are a bit off your rocker. When I was deployed I loved all the letters and care packages, I had to do nothing more than call a few women that had dreams of tomorrow with me.

I would say that there was no phone, internet, or I couldn't mail things out. That was true some of the times during my first deployment, but today it is very unlikely to go without being able to use the internet or phone for more than 3 days. So yes he is avoiding you.

Sounds like he wants the comfort of knowing he has someone at home. It sucks being uprooted for a year and then having to readjust once you come home. If something happens to him he knows he has you, if nothing happens to him he will come up with a reason of why you might be better off as friends again, or it is just not working out.

I have been there and done it, and I know a lot of other guys that have done it. A lot of women are in the same boat you are in so don't feel alone. You owe nothing to this man, get out there and date, if it is meant to be then it will happen.

Make sure you screen the next guy you start a relationship with, you seem to have bad judgment in men. Also I can almost guarantee you have friends or family members that warn you about these men. You should really listen to those that love and care about you when they give you advice.

 

[orion9519]

Being active duty, I can tell you this much. First deployment, I had one phone call in 4 months because I landed where I was SUPPOSED to be doing my tour, and we shiped out to kabul the next morning. And the "mail" there is not what you're thinking it is, even on posts, camps, whatever. I know I sent dozens of letters home to family and friends, and less than half actually made it.

What you need to be lookin' at is not what his communication ability is overseas, it's the "can't be with you - WAIT!!!- just kiddin', need you in my life". If it happened once, you can be sure it'll happen again, and that's no way to live out a relationship. Do you really want to have "But if I say something or do something wrong or get a little depressed or concered he'll leave me" Runnin' around in the back of your mind for the rest of the relationship?

 

[SweetErika]

I AM NOT A FUCKING DOORMAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH!

i really have no other place to vent shit to, not just this type of shit but in general, so i'm sorry for spamming you guys.

Who said you were a doormat? Maybe I missed it, but when I scanned the posts for a second time, I didn't see anything like "you're a doormat."

is there a good blog / journal thats private?
Thats private - my eyes only.
I'm no good with hand writing stuff because i get completely off space.
And my computer is more public than private with all the people on it daily.
Any ideas for private journals?

Have you checked into LiveJournal and the like? I haven't been there for years, but one of my friends uses it often, keeping many entries private and sharing the ones she wants to with her friends.

 

[CherryBomb24]

Who said you were a doormat? Maybe I missed it, but when I scanned the posts for a second time, I didn't see anything like "you're a doormat."


Have you checked into LiveJournal and the like? I haven't been there for years, but one of my friends uses it often, keeping many entries private and sharing the ones she wants to with her friends.

no one said i am, but it feels like thats how he's treatin me.
i thought livejournal was public?

 

[akuyim]

You can toggle it so entries are made private. Its at the bottom of the page.

 

[Mac98]

CB: Some people are just like that. My brother, for example, wrote ONE e-mail to the family when he left for BC (on the complete other side of the country for a year). Not because he didn't care, just because he's just not like that. We've gotten used to not hearing any news from him... if he spoke to his parents just once, to me, it says he just that type of person... ASAP is just not in his vocabulary.

Although I don't know him and may be blowing hot air... but I say keep in mind it may just be a part of his personality without excluding the possibility of him not being interested...

 

[Lobo_8]

Hi, I'm on my 3rd tour in Iraq. I agree with what most have said here. Snail mail isn't always reliable, phones and internet are a precious commodity and aren't always available. HOWEVER 2 months no contact is...unlikely. Join a support group for abused spouses/women. Leave this guy and take care of yourself and your child.

Listen to your friends and family, use them to help support you. That's what their there for, to help us when we're at our most vulnerable. Take some time to make sure your head is on straight.

I wish you the best of luck.

-Burns

 

[CherryBomb24]

Its not only me that he isnt contacting, its something you guys seem to be missing.
My 2nd post down i stated that he has only called his mom once.
And since then he called her one more time.
So his mom has only gotten 2 calls the entire 2 months he's been gone.
Like i said in my op - she said "no news is good news"
When he called a few nights ago, i was at work so i wasnt able to get phoned in.
But he told her to have me take 400 bucks out of his account every month and get an apartment for me and my lil guy till he comes home, and wanting me to take money out to go back to school. He said that where he is at, its hard to get out mail/ net connection / or even phone time. He said he hasnt even gotten a letter from home in nearly 3 weeks, lol so when he does he's got a lot of reading material to catch up on lol
i just wanted to give you guys an update.

I know i ignored most of your' advice guys, but i was hoping for the best and i guess i still am.

 

[emap]

You still need to see a therapist of some sort, even just join a group. Because being abused for any amount of time leaves scars and changes a person for the worse. You can't be a whole person for your son or anyone else until you get past the past and well for the most part that takes a therapist. Most colleges will give you free time with a therapist, most have groups to join and if nothing else you can bug the pyschology teachers.

 

[Eilan]

Its not only me that he isnt contacting, its something you guys seem to be missing.
My 2nd post down i stated that he has only called his mom once.
And since then he called her one more time.
So his mom has only gotten 2 calls the entire 2 months he's been gone.

I get that he may be a poor correspondent, because I tend to be the same way myself sometimes, but IMO, the way he treated you before he left is inexcusable. You DO deserve better.

 

[DrRamulak]

I get that he may be a poor correspondent, because I tend to be the same way myself sometimes, but IMO, the way he treated you before he left is inexcusable. You DO deserve better.

It is inexcusable.

If your posting in my thread is any reflection of this situation, I forgive you and I'm sorry for flaming back at you. You have justifiable anger (just not against me )

I know that for both men and women, the point where you stop accepting crap, and stop giving yourself crap, is when you become responsible for others.

Not that I ever recommend someone get pregnant as a way of solving their problems.

What I mean is that for some of us, it's hard to take care of ourselves until it's part of our lives to take care of others.

So do it. I'd strongly recommend giving blood, volunteering in local organizations, church groups - anything so you're committed to something bigger than yourself, and do it on a regular basis.

It has an odd way of making you take better care of yourself.

I say this as a reformed selfish stupid depressed bastard (honestly).

 

[Cathleen]

I'd like to thank Lobo, orion and Peter for their bravery and service to our country.


Cherry, I would continue to live as you have been. If you hear from him, fine, if not, fine. Get your life onto more stable ground, put your child first, as NightL mentioned, each decision you make, each action you take needs his best interest first on the list.

You are the most important person in his life but to give him the best, the stable home, you need to take care of yourself too. I hope you will consider talking things out with a professional, much can be learned, tools can be established and your self-worth can be re-established. It'll make for a happy home for you and your child. You're worth is huge.

 

[pinky_love]

You need to love yourself before anyone else will cherry. you have serious issues i think, you need to boost your self esteem babe cos no one else is gonna xx