Am I too young?

[Blase]

Closed for myself and roughedges

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Another lackluster evening on Lotterotica.

Steve sighed and pushed back slightly in his chair. Although he always enjoyed peeking in on the community at Lotterotica (the site's name was a rather clever contraction of "Lotta Erotica"), some visits were definitely more memorable than others. On this particular evening, he'd checked out a few favorite threads, offered his thoughts in one or two, then given the Personals section a cursory scan which revealed nothing of great interest, although the number of outspokenly bored people had seemed a bit higher than usual.

Just about to close his browser out, he noticed a "New Message" indicator in his email tab. A quick glance showed that, in the few moments since he'd stopped moving about the site, he'd received a new message on Lot.

Damn, sometimes it almost seemed that the site knew when he was about to close it out and go to bed early for once.

Ah, well, might as well click over and see what it was...

 

[roughedges]

Lexy glanced at the ads in the Personals section at Lotterotica. She hadn’t been a member long but had already seen so much nonsense in these threads that she’d begun to grow cynical. She actually wasn’t sure what she was looking for. So much of what she’d found on the internet only satisfied parts of her desires. Was she a freak? Wanting something that didn’t even exist?

The she saw his post, and her breath caught in her chest. Reading and then reading … three times before she allowed herself another thought. He seemed to speak directly to her – giving voice to some of her deepest thoughts. Should she write him? She’d never posted in the bulletin boards at all, much less responded to a Personal ad.

Although overcome with shyness, Lexy somehow found the strength to begin.

Hi. I am intrigued by your post and would like to know more. I’m not sure how to proceed, but I would enjoy chatting with you about your post. I’ve never responded to an ad like this.

There. Short and simple. She struggled with whether to write a longer note with more details about herself, but she felt strongly about trying to maintain some sort of composure and being careful about privacy at the beginning. She decided to leave it as it is and see if he would respond.

When she’d signed up on Lotterotica, she found it difficult to create a public profile that included such personal information; to her, the inner recesses of her brain were personal. Always a perfectionist, Lexy found her words lacking. However, she listed her interest in Domination & submission, power exchange, and some facets of BDSM (a spanking and a bit of bondage sounded pleasurable to her, but she didn’t want to be tortured or left in a dungeon all day). She also said that she’s new to the lifestyle, very curious, and wanted to experiment and experience a lot on her journey to learn more about herself. She wanted to list the cliché mushy stuff she liked – kisses and love notes, for example – but she didn’t want to be seen as too “vanilla,” because that didn’t encompass the bulk of her fantasies. She looked back over her profile, hoping that he would take the time to read it and at least be able to discern that she was a real, albeit somewhat confused, person.

Maybe I should make my profile sound a little more inviting – a little more ‘peppy.’ This sounds too pointed and boring, she thought. At 19, Lexy was deeper – more thoughtful and serious – than many of her peers. She was sometimes self-conscious about that.

Before she could second-guess herself any further, she clicked back over to the private message she’d created and clicked ‘send.’

 

[Blase]

Hmmm. Short and sweet.

Not much detail, but she'd used the words intrigued and proceed, and spelled them correctly. That alone told Steve something about the girl's level of literacy.

She didn't have any posts on the site, but there was some info in her profile.

So, she was interested in D/s, and it didn't sound like she wanted anything too hardcore. Not bad, but it still didn't tell him a lot.

Enough, though, to justify a reply.

Hi.

Thank you for writing in response to my ad. Your note was sort of brief but it, and your profile, make you sound like a smart person with an honest curiosity about D/s - and hopefully, me.

I'd be happy to chat with you, talk about the questions you have, and see what kind of chemistry we might have.

Do you have an IM platform that you like to use (Skype works well for me)? I find that private messages here on Lot are pretty clunky when it comes to longer conversations.

Also, may I ask your first name?

Nice to meet you!

Steve

 

[roughedges]

Lexy’s heart skipped a beat. In the middle of class, she received a notification of a private message from Steve. She hurriedly left her seat and headed for the restroom. Outside the door, she stopped to lean against the wall and read the message on her phone.

I didn’t even sign my name to my PM?! Good grief! At least he wrote back, so I must not have presented as a total loon.

She smiled and then realized she needed to get back in the lecture. Her college classes had proven to be a bit more difficult than she’d anticipated, and she couldn’t afford to miss.

Later, back at home, she made a sandwich and grabbed a bottle of water before settling in front of her computer. She’d been fortunate that her best friend’s roommate moved out before the semester started so she could move right in and not have to worry about living in the dorms.

She didn’t want to bombard Steve with the myriad of questions running around in her head. And she knew she needed to tell him a bit about herself. She definitely wanted to find out more from him before divulging more than she needed to. Where to start?

Lexy hoped to get inspiration for her reply by rereading his ad and a few of his other posts. His words again jumped off the screen at her: “… many aspects of the scene (e.g., the desire to cause a lot of physical pain) just don’t resonate with me.” She could still hardly believe it. Right there was someone who seemed to offer what she’d been looking for, and she hadn’t even known that such a thing actually existed.

There was one thing that worried her, though. On his profile were the words “I have come to the middle of my life.” She knew that could mean a range of ages. For her, this was no problem. She’d dated guys her own age but never really “clicked” with them. Then her best friend and roommate shared her preferences for older men. She'd opened Lexy’s eyes to seeing them through a different lens, and she was fascinated. But what about him?

I’m only 19 … and extremely inexperienced. Am I too young?

Only one way to find out … just dive in.

Hello Steve,

I’m so glad you responded to my message. I can’t believe I didn’t even sign my name. I must have been more nervous than I thought at the time.

I’m Lexy. Yes, I do have – as you surmised – an honest curiosity about D/s (and definitely about you!). I Skype with my friends and use a couple of other apps, as well. I agree, communication on Lot is a bit clunky.

I’m quite new in all this and am curious about many things. I don’t find appeal in much pain, and it seems like everything I’d found online about submission included rather extreme pain, humiliation, and torture … until I read your personal ad and subsequent posts, that is. There are so many things I want to ask you … so much I want to know. Where to begin?

All the best,
Lexy

Now I'll just have to be patient …

 

[Blase]

Late on Wednesday afternoon, Steve found Lexy's answer.

Hmm, she still isn't saying much.

She did sound interested, though. Perhaps she was just unused to reaching out to strange people online.

In fact, that would hardly make her unique among the girls who had contacted Steve. His ad, after all, was primarily aimed at girls who wanted to explore. He tried to make it clear that those who were looking for things like a lot of pain, or harsh treatment, would almost certainly find him frustrating.

Which wasn't to say that there was no challenge in submitting to his direction.

He took a few moments to look at his ad thread, which presumably was what had caught Lexy's attention. He'd written quite a bit in it over the course of a few more years on Lot than he sometimes liked to think about. Some parts were serious, others more playful, but still informative to the careful reader. He smiled at one line that read, "Are you willing to offer your submission in obedience to Eros? "

Clicking Reply, he began to type.

Hello, again, Lexy.

I like that name. I'm guessing it's short for Alexa?

He paused just long enough to indulge an evil thought or two.

Alexa, show me...

I was glad to find your reply.

As a practical matter, I suggest you begin by giving me a Skype handle, along with an idea of the best time(s) to look for you online. My schedule is generally pretty flexible during the week, though on weekends my best availability is typically in the evenings.

He added a line giving her the name that his contact request would show.

I'll do my best to answer your questions and address your concerns. Hopefully reading my thread makes it clear that extreme pain, let alone "torture", is not my thing. As for humiliation, I again trust that you've read enough of my thread to understand that I'm all about the frisson; the feeling of "I can't believe I'm doing this." Some might call that humiliating, while others might call it freeing. But what I promise is that it isn't mean-spirited, and I'm very careful to make sure it doesn't feel that way.

Anyway, I think we may just have a lot to say to each other, but let me end for now by asking if you could write a sentence or two about what intrigues you about D/s. When you think about being in a "D/s situation", can you name one thing that you imagine happening to you?

Steve

 

[roughedges]

Lexy read his last paragraph again, her brows furrowed in concentration. What does intrigue me most about D/s?, she wondered.

Steve asked good questions. Lexy hadn’t been on this journey of discovery long and was still working through so much in her mind, trying to figure out the whys and whats and hows of her predilections. She had always been the ‘good girl,’ but she dreamed of being bad. Lexy remembered what she’d read in his post about exactly that. Then she let her mind wander a bit to try to solidify her thoughts. A few months ago, she found some stories on Lot and had devoured many of them before deciding to wander off to other parts of the site. She relished the stories about a strong dominant man and his submissive partner. She'd found videos online along the same lines. Many of the stories and scenes contained far more violent actions than she liked, but she was drawn to the story in general.

She saw a type of freedom in the submissives she watched in porn and read about in the stories, and she longed to find someone she could truly trust with all of her deepest desires and fantasies (and who would trust her with his). She yearned to find someone who wouldn’t judge or laugh but who would appreciate and encourage her vulnerability … and who truly wanted to know all about this part of her. Lexy imagined liberation from her ever present feelings of guilt and shame, and she smiled as she thought of a loss of control … of not being given a choice.

Maybe that’s it! Maybe it’s not a particular act that fascinates me – not something specific being ‘done’ to me. I think it’s more mental … more of the feeling of not having a choice about what’s going on.

Satisfied with her discovery and excited to have worked through another piece of her puzzle, Lexy began writing.

Hi Steve,

Thank you for your note. Yes, my name is Alexa. Feel free to call me whichever name you prefer.

She bit her lip as she thought about the next step … giving him her Skype name. It hadn’t escaped her attention that he lived in the same state she’d moved to the previous year for school. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever be brave enough to meet someone from Lot in real life. She was keenly aware that taking their conversations to Skype brought that possibility a step closer. She definitely wasn't ready to reveal her location to him yet, though.

My Skype handle is justlexy13. I’m usually in class (college) during the mornings and on Monday and Wednesday evenings. I spend a lot of time studying, and I need to find a part-time job at some point soon. Up ‘til now, school has taken precedence over everything. Other than that, my schedule is pretty flexible.

You asked some good questions, and I’ve given them a great deal of thought. I apologize that it’s taken so long for me to respond. I tend to take time to think hard (and often overthink), and your questions took a while for me to work through. I frequently ramble when I get nervous or embarrassed; I’ll try not to do that now. Please feel free to ask if you want deeper details or have any other questions.

I’ve always been the ‘good girl’ and have felt guilty and shameful when giving in to sensual desires and fantasies. When I discovered BDSM in stories and videos, there was something alluring about it. (We’ve both discussed our distaste for extreme pain and the like, so I won’t go over that again.) To me, the submissive in the scenes seemed to experience a great freedom in giving up control in that moment. That is what intrigues me about D/s. It’s not a particular act or anything specific being done to me (or me doing something to someone else), it’s about not being given a choice … not having control over the current situation. I hope that makes sense.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Lexy

Still a bit unsure about her note, she read it over a few more times. Hopefully this will make sense and not sound too ambiguous. She shrugged. It’s honest, if nothing else.

Lexy pressed ‘Send’ and went to meet her best friend for dinner, hoping to take her mind off her insecurities about her most recent writing.

 

[Blase]

College? Well, damn...

Steve knew that "in college" did not necessarily equal "young", but the odds favored it. And that came with its own challenges, like everything else.

For one thing, he himself wasn't young, nor would he pretend to be. For another, he'd found that young girls were, well, young girls. Some lost interest as soon as they learned his age. Not a few others simply didn't know their own minds and stuck around just long enough to capture his interest, then... well, perhaps break his heart was being overly dramatic.

No, in at least one case, it had been pretty accurate.

Lexy's message had just been sent. Steve wouldn't have time to try her on Skype until sometime in the evening. But a quick private message now might just get him some helpful information. Or save them both a lot of time.

Lexy,

I got your note and will look for you tonight on Skype, if that works for you.

You haven't mentioned your age, but if you're in college, there's a good chance you're a lot younger than me.

In case it makes a difference, I'm 45. I have found that college-age girls' reactions to that range from "Get away from me, you dirty old creep!" to "Hey, it's just a number" to "That's hot!"

It's up to you to decide which camp you're in.

Steve

 

[roughedges]

On her way to the restaurant, Lexy received a message from Steve. She exhaled and smiled at his words, realizing how worried she’d been that he would run away when he found out her age – that she was in college. Forty-five isn’t too old, she thought, Madison has dated men older than that.

She met her roommate years ago when Madison’s family moved next door. She was 5 years older than Lexy, but they instantly clicked over shared interests in music, ping pong, taking pictures, cats, and many other random things. They were so much alike, despite their age difference, and they instantly became best friends. Because of Lexy’s school work and Madison’s job, they hadn’t had a chance to talk much the whole week, so Lexy was eager to tell her friend about Steve. Madison always dated guys much older than herself and would not consider an age difference of 26 years to be odd. Lexy realized she had never heard her friend talk about an interest in D/s or any specific kink or fetish.

Back at home, she thought back over her conversation with Madison. Over lasagna and ravioli, Lexy had told her about Steve – how they’d met online and a little about their conversations. She was surprised with Madison’s reaction; the older girl expressed concern and apprehension at Lexy’s interest in D/s. She tried to explain to Madison that Steve wasn’t into the pain and degradation that was commonly found in BDSM videos online, but Madison’s ears seemed closed, even when Lexy pointed out that she and Steve would have an online relationship (if anything even developed), at least for now.

Lexy thought that Madison was being very close-minded but immediately remembered a quality that she loved dearly. Although her friend had a tendency to form opinions rather quickly, she continued to ponder the subject long after the conversation was over. Her brain always looked at things from different perspectives – objectively trying to figure out her true thoughts on the topic. She was much like Lexy in her thirst for knowledge and constantly Googled definitions and things with which she wasn’t very familiar. Lexy knew their conversation wasn’t over and reminded herself to continue to think beyond her own initial notions - not just about this but in general.

Lexy looked at her watch and remembered she had an assignment that needed her attention before tomorrow morning. After quickly typing a message to Steve, she tried to shift her focus to her school work.

Hi Steve,

I am working on an assignment for class tomorrow but will be online later. Just send me a message when it’s convenient for you to chat.

I’m glad you didn’t run away screaming when I said I’m in college. I am 19. Up ‘til now, the guys I’ve dated have been my own age. My best friend always dates men much older than her, and I’ve thought about it a lot. As far as your age, I’m somewhere between “Hey, it’s just a number” and “That’s hot!” There are other things I consider more important a person's age.

I’m looking forward to chatting with you later,
Lexy

 

[Blase]

Seems promising, so far...

Steve knew better than to let himself get very excited early on. Long experience had taught him that new contacts online could fail at any moment, for any reason - or seemingly for none at all.

Again he found himself looking back through some of his posts, this time wondering how they'd read to a girl less than half his age.



I'll converse with anyone, but please note that for D/s situations, the minimum I'm looking for (though not immediately) is voice and/or pics or cam. The reason is simple: If our "relationship" is confined to text-only, I might as well be writing fiction.

Indeed, there'd been a couple times in the past when he'd figured out that he essentially had been writing fiction due to being paired with partners who were not, so to speak, everything they claimed to be. Or didn't have everything they claimed to have.

I want more than that, and I'm looking for people who do too. To be honest, these days I'm hoping to find a relationship that ultimately moves to real life, but that's an ambitious goal here on Lot, where members are scattered around the globe.



Please don't contact me if you're looking for someone to growl at you and make you feel bad about yourself, or if conversation, laughter and affection are not your thing. Yes, it is possible for direction to be challenging but still come from a place of respect, affection and joy. And yes, it is entirely possible for someone who genuinely likes you to make you blush and tremble.

It doesn't happen because a generic "Dominant" is giving generic directions to a generic "submissive" because she has some vague desire to please. It happens when *you* want to please - and not just please but open yourself to - *me*.


He'd written so much over the years, at different times and in different moods. Sometimes he wondered if some of it was too strong. Other times he told himself that you couldn't say the wrong thing to the right person.

Well, time perhaps to put that old aphorism to the test once again.

Highlighting and deleting the system's generic contact request message, he typed

Hi, Lexy. Are you out there? Steve

 

[roughedges]

With her homework finally finished, Lexy curled up on the couch with her laptop. She was excited and a bit nervous about chatting with Steve tonight. Seemed like everything she’d read in his ad and some other posts were just what she was looking for. He'd made it clear he really wanted an eventual real life relationship, but he seemed like the kind of man who would want to get to know you first before trying to move to real life. She daydreamed for a few minutes. Lexy was very curious about the world of D/s - even more so about Steve.

I hope this will be just what we are both looking for ... or that we'll figure out really soon that it's not. Lexy looked around when she realized she was talking to herself, but she was alone at the apartment. Madison wasn't due home until after midnight.

She logged on to Skype and saw that he had just sent a message. She let out a small squeal of excitement, took a deep breath, and typed back.

Hi Steve! I’m here. How’s your day been?

 

[Blase]

She's here!

Once again, Steve tried to rein in his excitement. He knew that, ironically, acting like a nineteen-year-old wasn't likely to help him with this particular nineteen-year-old.

Hi, again, Lexy. I'm glad to see you.

My day has been fine. Quiet but fine.

How has yours been so far?

 

[roughedges]

Lexy’s heart was beating twice the normal speed when his message popped up on the screen.

This is it! Finally ... an 'actual' conversation!

Then she panicked for a second and hoped she wouldn’t seem immature or silly. Taking a deep breath, she wrote back.

It’s good to talk to you.

I’ve had a busy day trying to complete an assignment that's due tomorrow. I've been working on it for a week. Finally finished, though, and looking forward to relaxing a bit tonight.

 

[Blase]

Steve thought of making a flirty joke about helping Lexy relax, but they'd only just met, and he had no intention of scaring the girl away.

Instead, he went with a comment that could have been taken as mildly flirty, or simply as a conversational gambit.

That's cool.

What do you like to do to relax?

 

[roughedges]

Lexy looked at Steve’s question and got a little self-conscious. She always did when someone asked how she spent her free time or how she liked to relax. She was a homebody and preferred hanging out alone with her cat more than anything, even if she was just doing homework. Some people took hikes or went out with groups of friends to relax, but her life wasn't nearly that exciting.

She sighed and thought, Well, this is who I am – boring or not.

I love to curl up with my cat and a good book, a movie, or maybe binging a favorite TV show. Since I found Lot, there’s a whole new world of reading pleasures opened up to me, so I've indulged there often. That’s a GREAT way to relax!

What about you?

 

[Blase]

I enjoy some of those things, like reading.

I also enjoy getting out and walking in the woods, or swimming. A couple times I've gone kayaking. Poking around bookstores and secondhand stores is a favorite activity.

A great date to me would be something like going out to breakfast, then taking a walk along a river and stopping to sit by the bank and talk.

He paused a second, then added another line.

What kinds of things do you like to read on Lot?

 

[roughedges]

Oh, I love bookstores and secondhand stores too! I always too many things I really want, though; sometimes I have a tough time making myself walk away. We have walking trails all over the city here, and I enjoy exploring those.

That would be a wonderful date … very relaxing and comfortable. I like how your mind works.

I enjoy a lot of the stories, although many include things that don’t particularly appeal to me on a personal level. I still enjoy reading about them – well, some of it. I usually read stories in the BDSM, Erotic Couplings, First Time, and Mature categories – sometimes Romance. I’ve searched specific things of interest, like spankings and truth or dare games ... it all depends on whatever mood I’m in at the time.

Lexy critiqued her message several times before pressing the ‘send’ button.

 

[Blase]

Steve sighed and reminded himself that wherever Lexy lived, it was probably nowhere near him.

That's

He almost typed cool, but he'd just used the word a few moments ago.

Writing live was not a situation where you'd get everything perfect, of course... but best to try not to have too many glaring mistakes and repetitions.

interesting.

So, if I asked you Truth or Dare, which would you pick?

He hoped his little bit of playing wouldn't feel too pushy to Lexy.

 

[roughedges]

Lexy typed “Truth” immediately and almost clicked Send before the logical part of her brain took over. Although a dare could be dangerous, she didn't want to give her location yet, and that could, quite possibly, be the truth she'd be asked to reveal. On the other hand, she wasn’t ready to be seen ‘in person’ on camera either. No matter which she chose, the result could be something she wasn’t prepared to say or do.

Just pick one, silly. This is ridiculous!, she scolded herself.

Truth

 

[Blase]

Cool.

Well, at least he hadn't typed it again.

She hadn't freaked out.

And of course, getting her to freak out was not the object.

But getting her to shiver a little...

Have you ever been photographed nude or semi-nude?

 

[roughedges]

Whew! That wasn’t so bad.

She felt like she had held her breath from the second she sent the answer, and that was a scary wait. She thought about it and realized she’d been nervous but was also a bit excited to see what he would ask her.

No. I had a boyfriend who wanted to take nude pictures of me. I thought about it but knew I couldn’t trust him not to show anyone, even though he promised he would never do that.

 

[Blase]

Steve thought of asking Truth or dare? again, but Lexy seemed okay with questions, at least.

How does the idea of being photographed like that make you feel?

 

[roughedges]

That's a good question.

I'd be concerned with the pictures getting out. I would hate my family and close friends to ever see anything like that ... and what if my future children were faced with that? They'd all be so disappointed and humiliated. I can't stand that thought.

But, simply thinking about being photographed nude or semi-nude is kinda' fun ... and a bit exciting.

Have you ever been photographed nude or semi-nude?

 

[Blase]

Didn't expect that

But it was fair enough. Steve thought of saying I'm asking the questions here for just a moment, but he wasn't trying to prove what a hard-ass he was.

Yes, a long time ago, by someone I was very close to.

He sent the message, then typed another line.

Truth or dare?

<Send>

 

[roughedges]

Lexy was enjoying their conversation quite a bit. She decided she'd test him a bit ... just to see what would happen. She didn't think he'd immediately dare her to video chat with him naked or anything, especially after she'd just told him her concerns about even semi-nude pictures. And, if he did ask something like that, she'd know right then that he wasn't who she was looking for.

Better to find out sooner than later ...

Giggling a little from nervousness, she typed her message and sent it.

Dare

 

[Blase]

What he had in mind might be considered cheating a little, but he was fairly sure Lexy wouldn't mind.

It was also true that what they were doing now wasn't D/s: There was no safeword or real agreement in place. But Steve knew that Lexy was safe at the moment, and there'd be time for more serious conversations later.

Okay, two parts:

First, tell me everything you're wearing.

Everything.