Am I Too Selfish To Be a Mommy?

[Varian P]

Yep.

Well, that's my big fear, anyway.

For years, my guy and I have been planning on starting a family. A while back, after we felt we'd gotten all the late-night partying out of our systems, we were all set to go, but then I decided to go to grad school, so kids got a raincheck (I was going to say "went on the back burner, but somehow that didn't sound quite right).

Now grad school's done, and we're all wrapped up in film projects. And once again, we keep saying, "In two years."

I've always wanted kids. I still want kids. But I've never wanted kids yet, and I still don't. I love my current life the way it is, with lots of time to work on writing and filmmaking, and lots of alone time with my partner.

I'm terrified that when kids come into our lives, I'll never have another creative notion, or if I do, there'll be no time to coax it to fruition. And I hate the idea of the whole dynamic between me and my partner changing beyond recognition, because after years of it being just the two of us, it's suddenly become the three, or four or five of us (we've always intended to adopt, possibly a sibling group).

I know children will enrich my existence. I have a million happy plans for our life with these little guys we haven't even met yet, but the idea of letting go of the independent life is a toughie!!

 

[cloudy]

I won't tell you that children don't change your life, because they do - irreversibly. Some of the things won't be changes you like, others will.

I will say this, however: if you wait until the time is "right," you'll never have any children. There's never a "perfect" time.

Mine frustrate me no end, but I would never choose not to have had them.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I won't tell you that children don't change your life, because they do - irreversibly. Some of the things won't be changes you like, others will.

I will say this, however: if you wait until the time is "right," you'll never have any children. There's never a "perfect" time.

Mine frustrate me no end, but I would never choose not to have had them.

Exactly! We only had two for a series of reasons. We wanted more but it didn't happen.

 

[Varian P]

I will say this, however: if you wait until the time is "right," you'll never have any children. There's never a "perfect" time.

You're right, you're right. This is the reality check I need. Hey--isn't my mom supposed to be on that job?!

 

[fille]

I won't tell you that children don't change your life, because they do - irreversibly. Some of the things won't be changes you like, others will.

I will say this, however: if you wait until the time is "right," you'll never have any children. There's never a "perfect" time.

Mine frustrate me no end, but I would never choose not to have had them.

Amen to that. There is never going to be a time when it is convenient to have children, or when they won't work major changes in your life. If you really feel that you want to be parents, you just have to take the plunge. It's a leap of faith. I think what you will find is that when you hold your baby in your arms, or maybe even before that, things that seem really important now will seem less important. Of course, you should never give up thinking of and taking care of yourself as an individual too. Frankly, I think that makes you a less than ideal parent. But once the little person is a reality, his or her interests will become paramount for you.

On the other hand, you should not beat yourself up if what you are finding is that maybe you really don't want to be a parent. Doesn't make you a bad person, or a selfish one either.

 

[Varian P]

Exactly! We only had two for a series of reasons. We wanted more but it didn't happen.

I've always pictured myself with a whole pack of kids--probably because I was an only child. And if I want a big family, it's pretty much up to me (well, us) since we don't have any extended family, either.

But two is great--man oh man did I want a little brother or sister when I was little!

 

[starrkers]

I won't tell you that children don't change your life, because they do - irreversibly. Some of the things won't be changes you like, others will.

I will say this, however: if you wait until the time is "right," you'll never have any children. There's never a "perfect" time.

Mine frustrate me no end, but I would never choose not to have had them.

Couldn't put it any better myself.

 

[Varian P]

On the other hand, you should not beat yourself up if what you are finding is that maybe you really don't want to be a parent. Doesn't make you a bad person, or a selfish one either.

It's definitely not that--when I imagine not having kids, I get incredibly sad. I want to be a mother, and my partner will be an awesome, super fun dad. I want to read to my kids (I've had a book list going for years), I want to kid around and wrestle with them and take them to dance lessons and soccer games. I want a family around us as we get old.

 

[fille]

It's definitely not that--when I imagine not having kids, I get incredibly sad. I want to be a mother, and my partner will be an awesome, super fun dad. I want to read to my kids (I've had a book list going for years), I want to kid around and wrestle with them and take them to dance lessons and soccer games. I want a family around us as we get old.

Then I say just put everything else aside and go for it, unless you're really young. Of course, fertility problems can always arise and you want to leave yourself time to deal with them if they do, but many women have children in their late 30s or so. That's what I did.

 

[Varian P]

Then I say just put everything else aside and go for it, unless you're really young. Of course, fertility problems can always arise and you want to leave yourself time to deal with them if they do, but many women have children in their late 30s or so. That's what I did.

We're definitely going to adopt (no fertility problems we know of, just our choice), so the ticking clock isn't such an issue, beyond wanting to be young enough to be fun parents.

 

[fille]

We're definitely going to adopt (no fertility problems we know of, just our choice), so the ticking clock isn't such an issue, beyond wanting to be young enough to be fun parents.

In that case, I wouldn't sweat it so much. I guess whether I am a "fun" parent could be debated, but god knows I am out there in my share of activities. And, there is something to be said with the increased level of patience that comes with maturity. Yes, you might trade off a bit of energy for it, but it balances out.

 

[jomar]

If I didn't have two kids I could travel the world. I would dine with royalty and wear fine clothes. I would have a retreat in the mountains and a cottage on the beach. I would wile away the hours in pursuits of my pleasure.

They have diverted my time and my money, but I've never been richer.




But that's just me. It's really okay to not have kids.

 

[shereads]

If you were truly selfish, you wouldn't be asking the question.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I've always pictured myself with a whole pack of kids--probably because I was an only child. And if I want a big family, it's pretty much up to me (well, us) since we don't have any extended family, either.

But two is great--man oh man did I want a little brother or sister when I was little!

All I had was sisters. Looking back on it all, fond of them today as I am, they were a pain in the lower back. I live in a female workspace. I have very few male friends. What I wouldn't give for a brother . . .

 

[JagFarlane]

We're definitely going to adopt (no fertility problems we know of, just our choice), so the ticking clock isn't such an issue, beyond wanting to be young enough to be fun parents.

Thats often been a debate. Different ages work for different people, some prefer younger, then you have more energy for the kids. Some prefer older, due to having a more stable financial situation to raise said kids.

 

[graceanne]

I've always found that people who worry about things like this are good parents, because they acknowledge their weaknesses and therefor work to not be that way.

That said, there is NOTHING wrong with not having children. Having children is not the end all and be all of existence.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I've always found that people who worry about things like this are good parents, because they acknowledge their weaknesses and therefor work to not be that way.

That said, there is NOTHING wrong with not having children. Having children is not the end all and be all of existence.

Yeah, but people who don't are trying to put me out of business.

 

[Tricialen]

You will not have a moments peace ever again...you will worry and fret and dream.....you will be so busy that you will sometimes forget your guy.....but if you both love each other and both want a child...that is the closest to heaven you will ever get.

The moment they place that small human being in your arms and you count the fingers and toes and look into his or her eyes and feel the downy softness of their hair...your heart will grow until you feel it might burst....you will hold heaven in your arms and you will live on through your children and their children....it is a wonderful thing to feel...to be ...a mother...

 

[glynndah]

My son's almost 23 years old and I'm still not sure I want to be a mother.

 

[Varian P]

If you were truly selfish, you wouldn't be asking the question.

What? Oh, I wasn't thinking of them, I was only thinking of myself.

Can I still keep the flower?

 

[jomar]

What? Oh, I wasn't thinking of them, I was only thinking of myself.

Can I still keep the flower?

She's comment makes perfect sense to me. And you can have another -

 

[impressive]

What? Oh, I wasn't thinking of them, I was only thinking of myself.

Can I still keep the flower?

I was totally too selfish to be a mommy -- until I became one.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I was totally too selfish to be a mommy -- until I became one.

For that you get

 

[impressive]

For that you get

But seriously, parenting is the quintessential on-the-job training kinda gig. Our kids teach us as we go.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

But seriously, parenting is the quintessential on-the-job training kinda gig. Our kids teach us as we go.

Yeah, the most important job on earth is always done by amateurs.