Am I doing the right thing?

[jadefirefly]

Once again, here I am with a question that has nothing to do with BDSM whatsoever, but I am in need of advice from people who's advice I trust, yet who don't know me so well that I'm afraid to open up.

(Did that make any sense at all?)

I apologise in advance for any rambling. I'll try not to, but I need to start a short ways back.

I met, and fell in love with, my boyfriend via the internet. We met for a few short days several months ago, and again for a week last month. Those short periods were the best times I've had in years. I know, and it is my belief that he does, as well, that this relationship is something special. I have had unpleasant, unhealthy, or just plain badly thought-out relationships before, and while I will not claim that this one is perfect, we have a more solid foundation than any I have ever been in before. In short, I've never been happier.

Shortly after our first meeting, his Navy reserve unit got called up. Off he goes to Afghanistan, into an extremely nasty, heavy combat zone. We've still found time to maintain semi-regular contact via email, and even one or two absolutely treasured phone calls.

When he first left, he tried to tell me he couldn't ask me to wait for him, and that he didn't think it was fair. At -that- time, he didn't expect to be gone for long. I told him he didn't have to ask, and that I would anyway, because I wanted to be with him when he got back.

Shortly after I came back from the last visit with him, he tried that again. We'd learned that his tour would be extended at least another year or year and a half, and again, he said that that was unfair, and that he didn't want me to wait for him. I assured him that I would... because he doesn't have to ask.

This morning, I received news that his CO, and one of the administrative girls that were travelling with them (I believe to a new base, but I am not certain) were killed. The girl, at least, I knew somewhat. This news hit me fairly hard, because while he has not said so, and I haven't had more info from him, I can only assume that he was there when it happened, due to the nature of the incident. These people were friends to him, and I'm sure it's hitting him hard. He also received news that he's been put on stop-loss, which guarantees that he's not getting out of the service again for significantly more than the 12-18 months expected.

And once again, he tells me he doesn't want me to wait, he doesn't think it's fair. Once again, I tell him that I can't accept that. I told him that until he could tell me honestly that he didn't love me anymore, I wasn't going to leave him. I'm not so impatient that I'd leave just because I needed to wait a little while to be with him.

There's not a doubt in my mind that he loves me as much as I do him -- if he didn't, he wouldn't worry so much over whether I would be happy waiting. And I don't -want- to leave him; there's not a soul in the world I would be as happy, as complete with.

I just worry, as always, and wonder if I'm taking the right approach to this. I can't stand the idea of losing him, and I've told him so. But is there something I'm doing or saying wrong, that this isn't getting through to him? Is there something I -should- do or say to help him see that I'm not going anywhere?

This is way too ridiculously self-exposing... I give myself ten minutes before I come back and edit out the post.

 

[FurryFury]

What a terrible situation for the both of you.

He is giving you an "out" in an understanding and unselfish manner. At least that is what it sounds like.

If he loves you the way you think, then that is beautiful.

I'm sure each time you reassure him it is a wonderful thing for him to experience. He probably needs that right now.

*hug*

Fury

 

[jadefirefly]

I hope so.

What I really need right now is to have him here so I can hug him and cry, because the loss of these people is really bothering me.

I need sleep.

 

[FurryFury]

I know you do. I wish I could make that happen for you but of course I can't.

Cry when you need to. Sleep when you can and when you need to. That's the best advice I can give you.

If you have no one to hug in person, put your arms around yourself and hug yourself. Embrace the hurt and scared self inside. Rock with her, hold and hug her, let the pain and tears out.

If you can do all that, not only will you do yourself a favor, you will be better at helping yourself than I can usually manage.

I will be sending sympathy and good energy you way, JadeFireFly.

Fury

 

[jadefirefly]

Heh.

The thing is, I hate crying. I hate exihibitions of emotions that can be embarrassing, even if nobody can see me.

I'm alone at my computer right now, and I still won't. I just won't let myself. Bad habits die hard.

 

[FurryFury]

Heh.

The thing is, I hate crying. I hate exihibitions of emotions that can be embarrassing, even if nobody can see me.

I'm alone at my computer right now, and I still won't. I just won't let myself. Bad habits die hard.

I'm that way too. Put on a sappy movie, thats one of the few ways I'll allow myself to cry.

*hug*

Fury

 

[shy slave]

Wow Oh Jade don't edit your post.

What a difficult situation.

I agree with FFit appears he is giving you 'an out.'

War is full of death.

It appears to me he is giving you the choice of moving on because its a long to time ask you to wait and because the possibility exists that he may not come home.

I actually don't want to say any more in this post, will pm you.

 

[chris 44]

Heh.

The thing is, I hate crying. I hate exihibitions of emotions that can be embarrassing, even if nobody can see me.

I'm alone at my computer right now, and I still won't. I just won't let myself. Bad habits die hard.

Jade, there's no shame in a tear, especially when it's shed in such circumstances. Sometimes it can be more damaging to refuse yourself that safety valve.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If you have difficulty displaying emotions which may be seen by some as negative or weak, perhaps this is your answer. What I am trying to say is perhaps he needs to see that part of you which you keep hidden even from yourself to know you mean what you say when you speak of waiting as opposed to him thinking perhaps you are influenced by the romanticism of such an image and not looking at reality. If you can reveal what is inside without reserve, but also with thought as to his actually having to deal with the pain on a daily and in your face way, so not dragging on him or being needy, he will begin to accept what you want him to.

Catalina

 

[cati]

jadefirefly

To be a military wife or girlfriend has to be the roughest, emotionally painful
role in life.What I have always wondered is this... do they adapt some sort of mindset before hand knowing full well that their loved one may not come home for months, years...if at all. I'm sure they gain support from other women who are in the same position. I would advise you to do the same if you haven't done this already. Other than that I can suggest no remedy for your suffering, other than to do what your heart tells you, since ignoring it will only make you more unhappy.
Your sweety is being very practical and realistic in suggesting that you not wait for him. What he really feels for you in his heart is a different story.

If it were me I know that I would probably wait for him, but that's just the kinda girl I am. Keep in mind that you two haven't had enough time to experience real intimacy or know if you truly belong together and thats the crux of the situation.
The romance and drama of the situation may be fueling your emotions.

When you e-mail him, do so in a non-clingy (not that implying you are being clingy) kind of way and sound light hearted and supportive.

You could always give Mr.Bush a call and suggest he go to rehab for his oil addiction *s That should solve the problem for everyone.....

 

[bullaford]

Jade, please check your pm box.

 

[jadefirefly]

If you have difficulty displaying emotions which may be seen by some as negative or weak, perhaps this is your answer. What I am trying to say is perhaps he needs to see that part of you which you keep hidden even from yourself to know you mean what you say when you speak of waiting as opposed to him thinking perhaps you are influenced by the romanticism of such an image and not looking at reality. If you can reveal what is inside without reserve, but also with thought as to his actually having to deal with the pain on a daily and in your face way, so not dragging on him or being needy, he will begin to accept what you want him to.

Catalina

He is, actually, one of the only people ever (and the only one currently) that I can be completely, and totally, honest, open, and comfortable with. I can say anything to him, be comfortable expressing any emotion.

We went through a small rough patch not long ago, and he saw face to face the absolute worst emotional part of me; the things I won't show to anyone else. He also knew just how hard it usually is for me to do such things, but with him it wasn't hard. It was natural.

I truly hope he already realizes how I feel. We began our friendship in the beginning with total honesty, and it's only done good things for us so far. I hope he understands.

Thank you all for putting up with my overly-emotional and selfish little rants. I have to admit to being somewhat embarrassed that I let myself get so carried away and make such a self-centered pity post. I really do appreciate each and every one of you that read and replied; it means a great deal to me.

Thank you.

 

[cati]

Hugs the silly girl... Your post wasn't any of those things. I just hope I didn't come across as a callous b***tch.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hi jadedfirefly,

Long distance romances are difficult things to maintain and keep strong, but it can be done. Before e-mail they used snail mail... the frequent, if not daily ebb and flow of letters sharing emotions, thoughts, deeds... from the mundane to the sublime. Those letters can be a lifeline, an emotional anchor to keep a loved one grounded in what is waiting for them when they come home.

But keep this in mind: His protestations of "don't wait" may not be based on any romantic concern or care for you on his part. It may be emotional cowardice, or a desire to "spare your feelings". Many men do not want to be "the bad guy" who dumps the girl. They would much, much prefer that the girl dumps them... That way they can be the emotional "victim" in the scenario. Crying to a new interest about the "Dear John" letter is a great way to weasel your way into a new girls heart. It shows her your vulnerable, sensitive, etc.... until it's time to find someone new.

I am not saying that this is what your paramour is doing or not. I'm not there, I don't know him, but it is certainly a possibility. Having the physical courage to face combat does not necessarily translate into the emotional courage to maintain a long distance relationship, _or_ to be honest and break it off when the realtionship has come to the end of the road (at least for one party).

He may, indeed be trying to spare you pain. His motive may be noble and pure. You can ask. He may or may not answer honestly. Unfortunately, until he returns home, you might not know for sure. Once he's home, will he see you? Or does he keep his distance? Only time will tell.

And only you can determine if the energy and emotion you spend on this relationship is worth it. If it's right for you. Like _any_ other LDR, only time will tell if you can make it a flesh-and-blood, skin-to-skin, 24/7 thing. After all, how many of us have parents or grandparents (or at least know couples)that "met" as pen-pals, saaaaayyyyy like during World War II, that went on to get married, and spent the rest of their lives "happily everafter"? On the flip side, how many guys (and girls for that matter) got "Dear John" letters because after the long speration they just could not hold on any longer? I'm sure we all know folks in _both_ catagories.

The future is not mine to see, I can't say where this will take you. But you are not alone in this, many have been through exactly the same things before you, many are experiencing it with you now, and trust me, there will be more to follow you down this road. Your friends and family will be around you to support you, to advise you, to comfort you, wherever you decide to go with this.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

i have a little expericence in two of the areas you've mentioned. i don't know him from Adam (nor you from Eve), but i do know a little about people. Folks approach relationships along a broad spectrum.

At one end, you have those that assume the position of immovable object: meaning come the apocalypse and beyond, they remain steadfast, unyielding, and will take anything to stay in a relationship. They believe they need only have enough faith and "We shall overcome" any and all irresistable forces in the universe. Life's not fair, however, and these folks usually end up at the bottom of the ocean covered in whale shit.

At the other end, you have those with the charactistics of a sea anemone and a novice in a tailspun airplane: meaning they pull back and bail when any adversity arises. As long as no bumps occur on their road, they "putter" along in the truest sense of the word. Some say these people have "commitment issues." i prefer the label jellyfish. They lack spine, paralyze others in their tentacles, and go wherever the tides push them. With any luck, the right hurricane/typhoon comes along and beaches them before they have a chance to reproduce.

The rest of us, happily, have the "Flight of the Bumblebee" soundtrack running constantly in our heads. If you've ever watched a bumblebee in flight, you'll understand what i mean. We may smack into walls, trees, screens, et cetera, but keep flying, and eventually find a flower. The trick is to avoid moving car windshields and carnivorous plants.

i could anecdote into the wee hours about the effects of time in a combat zone upon a relationship, but i'll just toss this link out instead, click me & underline the 56,000 divorces in the Army alone since 2001. Based on what you've said, and this is purely a shot in the dark, your partner may have golden bb syndrome. He has it in his mind something will happen to him. Add to that the recent up close and personal casualties. i wish i could offer some solution, but that has to come from inside him.

Best of luck to you both in avoiding the moving car windshield.

 

[graceanne]

LOL Love the analagies, AA. *giggles*

 

[jadefirefly]

*giggle* Those -are- cute analogies, AA.


I must be doing something right. (Or else he plans ahead. I prefer the former; it lets me feel special. ) I got home today to find a beautiful bunch of roses waiting for me on my doorstep.

He's such a sweetie.

 

[graceanne]

*giggle* Those -are- cute analogies, AA.


I must be doing something right. (Or else he plans ahead. I prefer the former; it lets me feel special. ) I got home today to find a beautiful bunch of roses waiting for me on my doorstep.

He's such a sweetie.

Yay! That's so cool. *hugs*

 

[FurryFury]

That is sweet! I love roses! It's so good he thought ahead too! I LIKE that!

Fury