Am I crazy? Guess I am going to find out

[sch00lteacher]

Went and saw the VA doctor yesterday, to get my medications straight. They are a lot cheaper through the VA than any other insurance.

The VA doctor always wants the significant other to come along, so he can get the straight story.

Just before we left to see him the wife and I had a falling out. I had gotten pissed because someone turned the outside hose on and had not turned it all the way off. I called everyone 'morons' which I guess I am not supposed to do.

So when the doc walks in the room he can feel the tension between my wife and myself. He asks questions, she answers them. Not good.

I know I suffer from depression, I have for along time. I am on medication for it. But the wife told him about my mood swings, and other things. Things that don't fall under the depression heading.

Hit the wrong damned button again.

So anyhow. Now he has me scheduled to go to the psy unit for a full day of testing, to see what is wrong with me. Yippie fucking do. Not something I am too pleased about. They always find something, and once diagnosed it don't go away, it follows you around.

Well, it will be a month or two before I get in for testing. I will be sure to let my Lit family know what I find out.

Shit, anyone who is in chronic pain for two months, and locked in the house, and on lots of medications, is going to act a little strange.

I have seen shrinks before. I know I have issues. One of them being repressed memories of child molestation. One of them got into that big time, but the closer she got to breaking down the walls the quicker I rebuilt them. I figure if I have repressed something for all these years, there is a damned good reason for it. I have a notion of what happened, but I don't want to discuss it. Dig?

Again, when I find out something, I'll let you know.


hit the wrong button again, content added

 

[christophe]

Nah not crazy...you may need your meds adjusted, not all are created equal....some drugs can be used to treat depression and others for mood swings....

Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac and Effexor are like minded drugs used to treat minor depressive states.

Lithium based drugs such as eskalith can be used to treat more moderate cases of bipoar depression.

Benzodiazapines (antianxiety) meds such as xanax, ativan, and buspar, can be used as a mellowing agent for those who are high strung and tend toward type A personalities. sometimes a cocktail involving these drugs is necessary to find the right combo to keep things under control.

your antidepressants listed above can take up to two weeks to have a therapuetic effect.

hope this helps ya out!





PS: and ladies I do make house calls!

 

[Vanyel_Ashke]

Crazy or not...you know you have the support of your friends here. Old and new.

 

[Shylady]

Chris you can make a house call here, but only if toney stays home.

 

[Shylady]

Teacher sometimes counseling can help, I wish you well.

 

[Desdemona]

nope

Teach, you are no crazier than the rest of us. But, if you do have a chemical imbalance, let them fix it. It does make life easier to bear.
BTW, you are absolutely correct, being in chronic pain and stuck in the house would make anybody depressed and irritable!

 

[estevie]

I don't think you are crazy..perhaps a bit stir crazy. Who wouldn't be? If you know you are depressed, a little counseling may help..but only if you are willing to work with them. As for your repressed childhood memories, I don't claim to know anything about psychology but it may do you a world of good to talk with a professional about that. It will be very difficult, I'm sure. But, in the end, it may be very beneficial to your state of mind.

Oh, and I'm sorry about my snippy comment to all the *...I was in a pissy mood, I should not have taken it out on you. I apologize. I hope you will forgive me!

 

[YogiBare]

Teacher

No, it doesn't sound like any fun at all. And yes, I do think that just about anyone in your situation would get fairly grumpy. Doesn't mean you're "crazy". But, you know that you do have some issues to deal with ... or not. Your choice. Either choice has its risks and benifits.

I know that you didn't ask, teach, but I hope that you don't mind a couple of ideas/suggestions. First, in the better living through chemistry department, you might want to talk to your medical doc and/or shrink about going on Prozac. In addition to being an effective antidepressant, it also helps to reduce chronic pain significantly. In fact, it is even used for people with chronic pain, say from a herniated disc, when there is no history of depression. It helps to break the chronic pain cycle. And, if you're on Prozac already, you might want to ask your doc about increasing the dose. Or adding a second antidepressent or other psychoactive drug, as christophe already suggested.

Secondly, I strongly agree with shylady's excellent suggestion that you get some counseling started right away. Not to get into the therapeutic issues around sexual abuse, because this is definately NOT the time to do that, when you are dealing with the more immediate issues that you are dealing with. Get it for emotional support and an outlet to vent some of that legitimate anger and frustration. It'll do wonders for you and for your marriage, too!

I hope that this has been helpful. BTW, I'm also talking from the perspective of one who had major spinal surgery a few years ago. Best wishes and good luck!

 

[Debbie]

For me, the scary thing that goes with your psych thing? Is that my hubby had a triple bypass. When he came out he had a lot of issues. Mood swings. Depression. Memory loss.
A general anaesthetic can be a big thing in your life. A major operation also.
Things must be totally different in New Zealand. When we mentioned all the above things we got told by our GP, when we approached her about the changes in hubby's personality, "When a man faces mortality, he may react negatively."


All I can add is I don't think you are crazy.
Nor is my husband.
What we went through together was akin to torture. I didn't understand what he had been going through till I saw him have an "episode" three days after the bypass. He experienced nightmares that he thought were real, of violence, towards me, something he had never experienced before. He wept, cried and was very frightened. My man is very strong, kind and non violent. Pain was no big deal to him. He was a tough cookie. The general anaesthetic and the medication he was on had caused this whole thing. Plus what his body had been through, after 8 months and longer of the things we were going through as a couple, I found info that proved to me he was experiencing memory cognitive disorder.
Doctors are fantastic people. But some drugs do affect each other.
Be honest with the pysch person, talk to your wife about what is going on with you. feelings, the pain you have experienced, feeling closed in while sick, whatever. She is your biggest ally and the one who loves you most.
Love to ya. Let us know how you get on.
debbie

 

[sch00lteacher]

I don't think you are crazy..perhaps a bit stir crazy. Who wouldn't be? If you know you are depressed, a little counseling may help..but only if you are willing to work with them. As for your repressed childhood memories, I don't claim to know anything about psychology but it may do you a world of good to talk with a professional about that. It will be very difficult, I'm sure. But, in the end, it may be very beneficial to your state of mind.

Oh, and I'm sorry about my snippy comment to all the *...I was in a pissy mood, I should not have taken it out on you. I apologize. I hope you will forgive me!

I took no offense about your * post, because it was you. I know you would never try to hurt my feelings. No apology needed, but if it will make you feel better I will accept it.

See, that is the Catch 22. I know that talking about the abuse will help. But I don't want to talk about it because it will hurt. I know enough of the facts that I don't want to relive it again. I don't want to talk about it here either. Other than to say it involved a male friend of the family during a time period when my parents did a lot of alcohol type partying.

When I think about it I get mad at him, and I get mad at my parents. It has really fucked with my self-esteem. And it is one of the big reasons I dislike certain AVs on the board.

Thanks for being a friend estevie.

 

[sch00lteacher]

Re: Teacher

First, in the better living through chemistry department, you might want to talk to your medical doc and/or shrink about going on Prozac.

Best wishes and good luck!

I am taking Effexor now, plus an anti-anxiety med. They help. Just that things are being piled on and where I had been coping I am now tipping over.

Thanks for the concern.

 

[Andreina]

if you are crazy then i am a hopeless case

 

[sch00lteacher]

. Love to ya. Let us know how you get on.
debbie

The doctor talked about a lot of the same things you did. He said they are a lot of things going on in my life that could be causing this. He just wants me to find out what direction to travel. Guess there are certain meds for certain things.

I am all for getting help. I don't like feeling this way. I would rather be happy believe me!

Thanks for your concern. I will let the family know what I find out.

 

[Jacqline]

Speaking from personal experience, I successfully blocked out sexual abuse as a child until many years later. It wasn't a pretty way to find out ( I broke down in front of my teenaged daughter when watching a program on that very subject). I was scared, confused, and wanted to crawl back into my protective shell of not remembering but it was too late. I began to realize that I had been depressed for years and nobody had figured that out including me. I was tired of feeling that way and immediately got on the phone and called a rape crisis hotline. I got into a group, which helped me a lot, but I also was blessed with a magnificent individual counselor. He had also been molested as a child and totally knew what I had been through and successfully brought me to to where I should be. I realized that all those years I had numbed my feelings ( in fact I had forgotten how to feel). This wonderful counselor had incredible patience and worked with me and taught me that it was safe to feel and he taught me how to feel again. There was a lot of hard work involved in my recovery from this, but I can tell you that my life has done a 180 degree turn since then.

Teacher, you will deal with this when you are ready to, but let me tell you that it changed my life in a way I never thought possible. If you ever need anyone to talk to about this, feel free to message me. I went from living in depression and negativity to appreciating my life and having a positive attitude. I am very grateful for that because I have had to deal with many major traumas since then (especially in the past three years). If I hadn't gone through my counseling, I never would have lived through these challenges. The key is finding one who has been through what you have......they understand.

Until you are ready, however, the right anti depressant is very important. Stay on top of that until you are feeling better.....you are worth it! My positive thoughts are headed your way......good luck.................

 

[p_p_man]

Don't accept everything the medics tell you...

or prescribe for you.

Learn what you can from whatever source you can. Find out about your condition.

Ask questions and expect answers from the medics.

Everyone is different and what's good for one, may not be for another. Look upon yourself and the medics as working in partnership with the aim of finding a cure.

The problem here in the UK, and maybe in America, is that the doctors use set treatment for set diagnosis when what is needed is a deep understanding of your ailment and how it affects you personally. Not how it affects every other Tom, Dick and Harry. They will be as diferent to you as chalk is to cheese.

And if you're not happy with the prescribed treatnent or the prescribed medication, tell them.

You know how you feel, they don't. They just have machines which tell them how you appear to feel.

And I haven't met a sick person yet, me included, who isn't a cranky, self-pitying argumentative slice of humanity. To hell with being brave. I'm surprised you had enough constraint to only call people "morons".

I've done far better than that!

 

[Tim1]

oh man

Hey Teach!!

Do whatever it takes to help your situation. I'm sure there are not many IF ANY here who can walk in your shoes so go and get it taken care of. As for me, I'll hang here and remember, Your gunna be OK. One day at a time man.

 

[morninggirl5]

Sch00lteacher,

At least you're going into the thing with the right attitude. Yes, they are going to say that there's something wrong with you. NONE of us could go in for a complete psychological and come out without there being something amiss with out psychological profile.

Be honest with yourself and the psychologist or psychiatrist doing the evaluation. You're going through a stressful time, you've had surgery, you cannot work now, and are facing losing your career because of your health. That's enough to cause anyone to have some mood swings.

You'll get a lot of advice about your past. The truth is, if you're not ready to deal with it, you're not ready to deal with it. Noone can force you to, and noone should even try to do so. If the time ever comes that you fell strong enough to handle it, you're a smart man, you'll get the help you need to do so. Until that time, remember that steel reinforced concrete is the best material for building walls.


mg

 

[Cheyenne]

You seem sane to me. Just a normal person who has had some major pain and is a shut in at the moment. That would drive me crazy for a bit, too.

Your wife knows you much better than any of us though. Let her help you if she notices things about you that aren't quite right. I'm sure she wants the "old you" back just as much as you want to be the "old you."

Good luck! In the meantime, we'll keep you company.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

There is some very good commentary here>

In the end, with help from proper meds, a good therapist, lots of introspection and time, you will find your path. You can do it. I know you can. I know the strength of your heart and soul.

Remember to cut yourself and others some slack. And when you fall on your face, you have to be the one to pick yourself up. Go for it!

blue

 

[sch00lteacher]

It seems like every time I get so sick of this board that I want to quit coming to it, something happens to change my mind.

There is a lot of excellent advice, and a lot of love posted here. How could I even think of quitting this board. Thank you all.

Then I read the crap, who's AV offends who, and who is who, and who is doing what to who, and who wants to harm who. And I say fuck this place, I don't need it. I like sarcasm and irony, two of my favorite types of comedy. But not in heaping, steaming piles. Too much of anything is too much. I see the love shared, then I see the same person turn around and tell someone else to fuck off, I don't care what you think.

These past two months have been very interesting, and very stressful. I have one more month to go, and it looks like it is going to be even more stressful and interesting. All that I can think of that has saved me to this point is this place.

I get to come in here and interact with people. I don't mind that we all don't get along. I don't want everyone to be nice, just for the sake of being nice. I like Laurel's saying about spoons. We need that, I need that. But there is more than stirring going on right now.

Back to the good advice. I will go through the testing. I will talk to someone if that is what they think I need. I will not talk about things I am not ready to talk about. I will not talk to someone I don't trust.

I quit one lady because she was adamant that I be hypnotized so she could break down the wall surrounding the abuse. I refused. That wall is there for a reason. Like Morninggirl5 said until I am ready to deal with it everyone will just have to wait.
No one is ever going to hypnotize me. I fear that more than anything else in this world, someone playing around in my head, touching my thoughts and feelings. Not gonna happen. I start shaking just thinking about it.

Thank you everyone. I know I can count on you. So I will keep coming back. I may not read everything from now on. But I will read things posted by friends. There are more 'friends' on this board than there are assholes.

Thanks again.

Me

 

[T.H. Oughts]

PS: and ladies I do make house calls!

Doctor, I can't keep my stockings straight can you give me anything to keep me on the straight and narrow?

 

[sch00lteacher]

Of course you should know...

That this board is going to come up in any conversations I have with a shrink.

I do find myself becoming extremly upset over some stupid shit someone has posted. I am not usually like that. My emotions are out of whack. They are stronger than they should be, I have less control of them than I should. What that is a sign of I don't know.

So sometimes you will see a post where I blow up at someone because of what they said, or didn't say.

This board has become increasingly important to me the last few weeks. Being a shut in I use this board to reach out to the world, to talk to others. Maybe it isn't the right board to do that.

I do not see this board as a porn board. I don't like that title. I see it as an adult board. A place where you can say what you want with out having to worry about censorship. I used to go to another board before this one, for a good long while. But you couldn't even use the word bitch there. I got tired of that.

So like I said, this board will come up in conversation. I won't use names. I owe most of you that much, some of you I owe a lot more to. Some of you have been down right life savers. No lists of names. You know who you are. Your the ones who have talked with me and have helped me get through this.

See here I go again, getting all emotional and shit...

 

[Jacqline]

One thing I have noticed in the short time I have participated in this community is that, if someone reaches out and asks for help of any kind, there are tons of people "Johnny on the spot" to be there for them. It reminds me of the pulling together of our own country after the terrorist attacks.

True, there is a lot of pettiness here (the hair on the back of my neck has been raised up a few times myself) but I prefer to let go of that and consider the source. Why should I let them ruin my day?

The best of luck to your future endeavors, Teacher. I feel there will be lots of people besides me rooting for you!

 

[Cheyenne]

I do not see this board as a porn board. I don't like that title. I see it as an adult board. A place where you can say what you want with out having to worry about censorship. I used to go to another board before this one, for a good long while. But you couldn't even use the word bitch there. I got tired of that.

So like I said, this board will come up in conversation. I won't use names. I owe most of you that much, some of you I owe a lot more to. Some of you have been down right life savers. No lists of names. You know who you are. Your the ones who have talked with me and have helped me get through this.

See here I go again, getting all emotional and shit...

I have the same view. I think of this as an "adult" board, not a porn place. If you stick to the general bb as I do, "adult" really is an accurate description.

When you talk to the shrink, why not just give him/her the link to this place? Your wife knows you play here, doesn't she? You have lots of good posts on the bb. It might help you for someone to see how you think from reading your words here. Why hide then if you aren't going to hide anything else?

 

[login]

Just a quick techie note:

You do realize that you can turn the AV's off, don't you? Click on UserCP, and then edit options. There is a selection toward the bottom of the list to disable them. You mentioned a couple of times that some of them bother you.

Oh, and best of luck with your situation. Life is a bitch sometimes and not fun to deal with. You're strong enough to do what's necessary, and a lot of us are rooting for you.