Am I being stupid?

[lickerish]

My mom has been gone 3 months. I've been down to the gravesite a handful of times, the last time being when we planted rows of daffodils over my grandpa, mom, and brother.

But ever since they installed the headstone, a few weeks ago, I can't bring myself to go. My dad thinks I'm being dumb, he wants me to go take flowers with him. But I just can't do it. And today of all days, you'd think I go.

I've been having a lot of dreams about her lately, mostly about the cancer being a mistake and her living through the illness. Last night, I dreamed that she hadn't died, that she was really in a coma, but is now awake. We sat there and talked for a long time... tho now I can't remember what about.

I miss my mom, my best friend.

*wipes tear*

 

[alexandraaah]

You're grieving babe, let it happen.

Deal with it in your way, not how you think you "should."

Thinking of you today.

 

[lobito]

nope, not stupid at all. There are times I plan to go to my Uncle and Grandparents gravesites, and just can't. It's not just you, and you aren't stupid for not doing it.

 

[JazzManJim]

Silly? That's absolute nonsense. You're working out how to live life without someone who was a very important part of it. Sounds like, tears included, you're doing just fine.

It took me a year to visit my Grandmother's gravesite (we were roommates and buddies for the last five years of her life, as well as Grandmother and Grandson), even after I was a pallbearer. I've only been once. I prefer to remember her not by the grave, but by my own memories and the mementos I ahve which used to belong to her.

You work it out in your way and no one can tell you you're wrong.

Give me a holler if you need a shoulder, k?

 

[bluespoke]

Everyone has different grieving mechanisms.

Nobody has a right way or a wrong way.

All you have is your way. For you that is correct.

No stupidity involved at all, just love and grief.

 

[CarolineOh]

You are not being stupid. You have to come to terms with your loss your own way, in your own time.
The day will come, sooner than you think, when wild horses would not be able to keep you from your visiting your Mom. You will know when that is, no one else can tell you.
You are hurting enough. Don't hurt yourself more with needless self doubt.

 

[Guest]

 

[Allexus_TN]

You have come to a different place in your grieving. Perhaps the placement of the headstone (I am struggling with how to phrase this, because I do not want to sound crass, please forgive me if it does) makes it more "real". (Geez that still sounded bad... ) No one can understand how you deal with grieving, because it is differnent for each person. Just because your dad can handle going does not mean there is anything wrong with your not being able to go now. There will be a time that you can go back, but do not rush that. You grieve how you feel you can best deal. Do not let anyone tell you how to do it.
I was told, after the deal of my grandfather, that dreams of the loved one are a way that your subconscious processes the grief. It can be a dream of a time you were together, or the way you want things to be. As Alexandraaah said, let it happen. Don't over analyze it. You already know this will take time. Remember, grieve in your own way....take that time.

My heart is with you today.

 

[Andreina]

Gravestones make it final. Up until then one can sort of always deny that the loved one is burried here and 'gone'. Gravestones are something cruel, but they can also be something comforting. As stupid as it may sound I built a special connection to the gravestone of my granny's grave. For me, it resembles her great and amazing life.
It sounds crazy but my granny gave me a sort of sign that she is well wherever she is. I believe that the ones we truly and unconditionally loved will do that.

Licky, please cry and grief. This is the only comforting thing you can do for yourself (that and vast amounts of chocolate). Keep those dreams real for they will always be a memory of your mother.


((((((((hugs))))))))))


Halo

 

[lickerish]

Thanks you guys, I know I'm being a dork here.. it just seems so bad that I won't go visit the site.. I feel like I'm betraying her somehow, I dunno.

Allexus_TN, don't worry about sounding crass, because that's exactly the way it is. The headstone, just kind of made it 'for real' that she is gone. I'm not ready to accept that, even through I know it to be true.

I can't even drive by the hospital she was in for the two weeks before she died. I feel much resentment when I drive by it, for whatever reason.

 

[sexy-girl]

i find graves very hard i always have ... you're not betraying your mother at all though dont think that way you're remebering her and thinking of her and thats whats important

she would want you comfortable im sure just visit when you can and if you cant just keep remembering her ... maybe visit a favourite park of hers instead ... you could always lay flowers there

 

[Allexus_TN]

Thanks you guys, I know I'm being a dork here.. it just seems so bad that I won't go visit the site.. I feel like I'm betraying her somehow, I dunno.

It is not betrayal. And you aren't being a dork either. Its not bad if you can't visit the site. You are just at a new place in your personal stages of greiving, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving yourself time to get to another new stage. You will know when the time is right to go back. Until then, you visit her in your heart, and in your mind, with your dreams and memories.

 

[lickerish]

I think I'm going to go to her garden and pull weeds today.

Thanks guys, y'all mean so much to me.

 

[lobito]

Licky, for the longest time, my Grandmother refused to get a headstone for my Grandfathers grave. She simply enjoyed travelling and spending money more thatn buying a gravestone.

It took myself and two of my aunts to but a headstone not only for him, but for the whole 6 grave lot at $1800, to finally have a stone some years later. I had the great honor of "designing" the headstone. I'm proud of what we did, but I hate the fact of what it stands for.

She refuses to go to the burial site, the only time she's been since her husband died, was when her son died.

 

[marksgirl]

My baby brother died 6 years ago and I am still greving. I find it very hard to go myself and do not often go. He knows how I want to remember him, he want me to remember watching cartoons together and eating oatmeal I made for him. His garden. It's all in my heart not in a whole in the ground where his remains lay. Each of us deal with death differently, you too are working through your greif, it's not stupid, it's called life.

 

[Calamity Jane]

You're not bein silly Licky, and you know that.

I don't do the grave thing, just never have been able to bring myself to do it on my own. I visited my grandmother's once, before the headstone was in place, because my mother asked me to help her plant flowers. I haven't been back. Part of the problem is that my granfather's name is on the headstone. All that is missing is his body, and the date of his death. I don't like the implication that everything's 'ready' for him.

Go if and when you feel the need. And if you never feel the need, I'm pretty sure Mom would understand. She's not there, she's with you, and you can visit with her whenever you need to.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

You are not being silly, dumb or stupid - you just aren't ready yet. As others have said, you are dealing with it in your own way and your own time. Don't worry about how long it takes, but don't let it become an obsession or preoccupation with you either - when you feel like going there, you will. Your mother isn't in that grave; she lives on in your heart and your life.

I wouldn't worry about the dreams either; they are just your mind's way of letting off some steam and dealing with your emotions.

 

[Cheyenne]

I don't "do" graves. I don't visit gravesites since I don't think the people I loved are there anyway. Their "remains" may be there, but not their soul. It is one of the reasons I'll never have a grave for myself.

I remember them on my own. Maybe in a dream, like you had Lickerish. Maybe just as a happy thought. When I think of my grandparents, it is usually of them in a fishing boat.

 

[freakygirl]

Licky *hugs*

Sending my love babe!

You know you don't have to go to the grave to be near your mom, she is with you.. in your heart.. in your little girls.. and in your dreams. Embrace her..


I'm here if you need to talk.. call me

 

[sexy-girl]

I think I'm going to go to her garden and pull weeds today.

Thanks guys, y'all mean so much to me.

that sounds just perfect ... i remember when my nan died my mother and i did just that in my nans garden because her garden was something special to her ... it was kind of sad and beautiful at the same time

*hugs*

 

[zantac666]

Jazzman is right

Your not stupid i like to remember my mom,dad,gma,gfa, as they were.

It took me awhile to look thru pics. of my mom we were very close she was a friend and son i drover places went on trips to reno with her.

So take your time you will go when you are ready take care.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

I took my ex out to visit the grave of her grandmother for the first time after the funeral, led her to it and all, and then had her crying on my shoulder because the headstone(Whatever the put in memorial garden things) wasnt there I spent half an hour calming her down and whatever so that we could leave.

People grieve in different ways with different things.

Me, I dont do funerals, I dont do any of that.

I also dont need to go to church to pray.

It comes from your heart.

 

[Rambrat]

My mom has been gone 3 months. I've been down to the gravesite a handful of times, the last time being when we planted rows of daffodils over my grandpa, mom, and brother.

But ever since they installed the headstone, a few weeks ago, I can't bring myself to go. My dad thinks I'm being dumb, he wants me to go take flowers with him. But I just can't do it. And today of all days, you'd think I go.

I've been having a lot of dreams about her lately, mostly about the cancer being a mistake and her living through the illness. Last night, I dreamed that she hadn't died, that she was really in a coma, but is now awake. We sat there and talked for a long time... tho now I can't remember what about.

I miss my mom, my best friend.

*wipes tear*

Oh God Lickerish, you are not being stupid.

It hurts so much to lose someone close. When my sister died, I kept thinking that I was just dreaming...that she was going to appear on the next holiday. I cried for two weeks...usually alone. I think that if she had a tombstone (she chose cremation) I would have felt the same way.

It would have made me realize too soon...that she was really gone.

I feel bad sometimes because I just lost my father last year...and my sister had more of an effect on me...mostly because she was taken in an accident and we were unprepared...she was only 47.

I still miss her.

 

[lickerish]

*hugs* Rambrat.

I kept thinking that I was just dreaming... that she was going to appear on the next holiday.

Exactly. I still feel this way.

 

[Rambrat]

*hugs* Rambrat.




Exactly. I still feel this way.

*hugs you back*

I sometimes think that it would be nice to have a place to go...then i think, perhaps she is all around. There is a tree dedicated to her in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. When I do manage to go there...I pretend.

Every year on her birthday, I light 3 candles and say her name 3 times. Then I sit and talk to her...and hope that she comes to me in a dream.

I know how you feel Lickerish, and my heart goes out to you. You don't have to go anywhere to feel her...she is all around you.