Always place for improvement.

[Randen]

This is my third story. I have received invaluable feedback from previous stories by the readers.

The difference with this story, I tried to write as simple as I could, dumping the Oxford Thesaurus. Here, I concentrated more on the punctuations and spelling. The story sort of developed by itself as I continued. Is it better than the others? I don't know. Mainly, I thrive for improvement and appreciate good and bad feedback.

I would be thankful for any feedback before I attempt the next.

Breaking Free by Randen

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54709

Thanks for your assistance.

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Randen,

Mmmm...well this is your classic dirty old man seduces younger women story isn't it? With a touch of bdsm, voyerism, and menage a trois thrown in, you had a sick little bunny like me interested fom the start let me tell you.

This is what I noted while reading your story:

The first paragraph was good. The second, not so good.

It all began while I worked at an east coast university. A normal day, filled with numerous visits from both staff and students wanting this, wanting that. That was until I shouted quite irritatingly for the person to enter. The door opened slower, almost hesitantly. I looked over my half-rimmed glasses and watched as Lucy, one of my administration staff, entered unsurely.

There were too many 'wanting's and 'that's. 'I shouted quite irritatingly', sounds like you were the one irritating not being irriated. There's probably a grammatical term for that, but I don't know what it is. I am sure too, there is no adverb for unsure. Anyway 'unsurely' just didn't sound right to me. I think another word would have worked better there. 'both' is superfluous. And the sentence structure to me just didn't read right. I think something like this would have worked better:

It all began while I was working at an east coast university. The day was normal, filled with numerous staff and students wanting this and that. I was feeling irritated as I shouted for the next person to enter. The door opened slowly. I looked over my half- rimmed glasses and watched as Lucy, one of my administration staff entered... (gingerly, cautiously, or ever hesitantly? Yes, I think that would work too.

The dialog that followed ...... well how can I best describe it? Sleazy and greasy, and I loved every word of it!

The description of you and Lucy standing infront of the mirror was, for me, lovely and seductive, and an exciting and intriguing contrast to the 'dirty' dialog going on at the same time. You conveyed her 'innocent' very well. Well done! Some would probably like more information at this stage. How long had you known her? Did she confide in your often? What exactly was the age difference? For me however, this was just not necessary.

Enter Jennifer.

The spanking scene was H O T ......hot! Jennifer's cheekiness and willingness I am sure will make this enjoyable reading even those not into little bdsm. Ditto for the threesome scene later in your story.

"I- I think so, but I am not so sure. I have come to a stage where I enjoy the pain; I nurture it. In this way, I don't have to face the fear of having pleasure."

I think there's a little touch of serendipity in that dialog for a lot of women.

Lucy felt the sudden pulsation inside of her,...

You can't really say what someone else is feeling when you write in the first person. This certainly isn't a glaring mistake, but you should perhaps have said: 'I knew she could feel...' or 'I could tell she was.....' I saw another example of this while I was reading, but I can't rememeber where it was now.

I did spot the 'bit' that should have been a 'but', and the there was a 'it' that should have been a 'It', but otherwise it all looked A-OK to me. Ten out of ten for spelling and punctuation.

I can't comment on how this compares with your other stories, as I haven't read them.........yet.

I know some people may say; oh it all moved too fast. It was too easy for you to seduce both women. I bet you wish it happened that fast and easily in reality don't you? But that's exactly why it's called a fantasy. And a damned hot one at that! Well done... I really enjoyed it.

Mmmm.....It was just a fantasy .....wasn't it?

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)