always looking for an opinion

[kinkynkazoo]

this is my 4th venture into story telling at lit.com
So far I've got a BDSM, an Exibition/Voyeur story, an Erotic Coupling and this one is a romantic story...

feel free to critique (and thanks)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=112565

 

[damppanties]

You do descriptions well. I liked the second paragraph in the story where you described the cabin. I could visualise it.

Typos:

a quite weekend away from all of lifes little cares,

should be 'a quiet weekend away from all of life's little cares'

cosey in it's setting,

'cosy in its setting'

Try It's and Its by Whispersecret. Very useful.

I came across this typo which goes oddly placed next to and ax and maul. which shold be 'next to an ax...' That is such a simple mistake which I'm sure could be avoided. I think you have not bothered to proofread your story. I'm not going to point out any more typos or mistakes in spelling from now on.

I tell you it's a short hike from the house, all down hill.

I'd have liked this without the 'I tell you' part. You have already said that she hasn't been there and you are telling her.

You think to yourself that this is not a cabin that is accustomed to the presence of a woman

You do this a lot all thoughout the story.
It is definitely a pet peeve. How do you know what she is thinking? Either don't use such remarks in this POV or qualify it with something like 'you told me later that you thought...' or 'maybe you thought...' which makes the text kind of made up anyway, so I'd say, don't use it.
If you did want to talk about the cabin not having a woman's touch, maybe you could tell it from your own perspective -
'Looking at the cabin with you on my side, my way of looking at it changed. I realisd it lacked a woman's touch.' .. etc. or some such thing.

As I bring in the last of our provisions, you ask if me start a fire to warm up the place a bit.

'you ask if me start a fire'?

I tell you that I'll have to chop some wood first, but you can turn on the stove if you want.

Why didn't you do this as dialogue? IMO, it would sound better that way rather than a piece of the text.

you look thru the cd collection

Please do not use chat speak in a story. It pisses off most people. thru should be through.

After I turn off the shower, you decide that you wanna watch me towel off. You stand there, your arms crossed, watching this man who you've only just begun to know. His short hair, the goatee, graying somewhat, his hairy chest, his strong arms and back. No, he's not cut, but he's still sexy as hell you think.

How can you write a story which has I-You and then talk from the other person's perspective? It's just not possible.

I slide mine between your legs.

You slide your what betwen her legs? Leg? Hand? Face?

This story needs a lot of work. There are lots spelling and grammar mistakes. You can contact a volunteer editor here and ask for a proofread for a start.

 

[kinkynkazoo]

Excellent points... and thanks for pointing them out.

Sadly, I didnt get a chance to proof read, but obviously I need to pay closer attention to this issue..
As to the story, while it is my 4th effort here, it's actually one of the first ones I wrote.
My lack of writing skills is obvious in this story. I enjoyed the way you pointed out these mistakes and would welcome you to edit some of the others... (if you think you'd be interested)