Always
Eternal Insanity
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2000
- Posts
- 2,818
Quick Wit:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down
Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels
in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for
you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a
good mood
when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
groom."
next:
The History of Jack Schitt
WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know
Jack Schitt?" Now you can handle the situation and respond appropriately. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe
Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being
married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and
they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. >Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in
the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone
says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can say, "Oh yes I do!" Family History Recorded by Crock O. Schitt
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to
the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you
think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his
car. As the
man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next
morning, he
asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell
you. You're
not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about
his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night,
he hears the
same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We
can't tell
you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If
the only way
I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a
monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of
grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these
numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks
on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the
earth and have
found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades
of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 grains of sand on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We
shall now show
you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
says, "The
sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,
"Real funny.
May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens
the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man
demands the
key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens
it, only to
find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the
monks, who
provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made
of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz,
amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the
knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange
sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and,
on being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one
and enter it in the races. However at the local
auction, the going
price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a
donkey(also
called an ass) instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go
ahead and
enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it
in the race again, and this time it won. The paper
read: PREACHER'S
ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in
another race. The paper
headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
preacher
to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give
it to a nun
in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day
read: "NUN HAS
BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
$10.00. Next
day the headline read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy
back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could
run wild and
free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: "NUN
ANNOUNCES HER
ASS IS WILD AND FREE"
The Bishop was buried the next day.
***********
Here are some quotes from people in the USA during the 1950's.
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are,
its'
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't
be long
when
$5,000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A
quarter
a
pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a
dime just
to
mail a letter?"
(5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything.
Pretty
soon
it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
(6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able
to hire
outside help at the store."
(7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas
would
someday
cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car
in the
garage."
(8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make
it
impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their
hair as
long as the girls."
(9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The
Clock`
thing is
nothing but racket."
(10) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever
since they
let
Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,`
it seems
every movie has a `hell` or damn` in
it."
(11) "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the
same bed
in
the movies. What is this world coming to?"
(12) "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so
apparently
there
are no standards anymore."
(13) "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent
cigar."
(14) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's
possible to
put
a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even
have some
fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(15) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if
someday
they'll
be making more than the president."
(16) "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the
country?"
(17) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances
would
be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(18) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a
few
married
women are having to work to make ends meet."
(19) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to
hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(20) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, those Hollywood
stars seem
to
be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(21) " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me,
he
won't be
able to sit down for a week."
(22) "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to
wear
slacks
to their service?"
(23) "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying
us not to
grow crops."
(24) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
door to a
whole lot of foreign business."
(25) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government
takes
half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing
the best
people to Congress."
(26) "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to
college?
Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she
could be a
doctor or a lawyer."
(27) "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my
kids,
"Don't
take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in
it."
(28) The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but
I
seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."
(29) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It
costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(30) "No one can afford to be sick anymore, $35 a day in the
hospital is
too
rich for my blood."
(31) "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country
that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
(32) "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of
coffee to 15
cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
(33) "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
I'll
have
my wife learn to cut hair."
(34) "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter
informed us
she
wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
(35) "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic
transmissions,
and
who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."
****************
Advertising Terms - Interpretation
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it..
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as heck.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
*******************
There is supposedly at least one tattoo studio in the
continental US
which
has, in amongst all the
stock designs on the walls, the Chinese for "I'm so stupid that
I don't
know
what this means."
The person who mentioned this was American-Chinese, and asked
the
tattooist
why this was up on the wall. The tattooist replied that it was
there to
catch idiots who just picked designs which they thought looked
cool -
and
that if someone was stupid enough to get a phrase which they
didn't
understand tattooed on their body, he'd do it.
Apparently he'd already put the design on several people, too -
if
they'd
have asked him what it meant, he'd have told them.
enough for now? good. hope you haven't heard them before.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down
Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels
in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for
you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a
good mood
when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
groom."
next:
The History of Jack Schitt
WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know
Jack Schitt?" Now you can handle the situation and respond appropriately. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe
Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being
married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and
they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. >Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in
the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone
says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can say, "Oh yes I do!" Family History Recorded by Crock O. Schitt
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to
the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you
think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his
car. As the
man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next
morning, he
asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell
you. You're
not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about
his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night,
he hears the
same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We
can't tell
you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If
the only way
I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a
monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of
grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these
numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks
on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the
earth and have
found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades
of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 grains of sand on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We
shall now show
you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
says, "The
sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,
"Real funny.
May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens
the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man
demands the
key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens
it, only to
find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the
monks, who
provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made
of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz,
amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the
knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange
sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and,
on being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one
and enter it in the races. However at the local
auction, the going
price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a
donkey(also
called an ass) instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go
ahead and
enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it
in the race again, and this time it won. The paper
read: PREACHER'S
ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in
another race. The paper
headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
preacher
to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give
it to a nun
in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day
read: "NUN HAS
BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
$10.00. Next
day the headline read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy
back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could
run wild and
free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: "NUN
ANNOUNCES HER
ASS IS WILD AND FREE"
The Bishop was buried the next day.
***********
Here are some quotes from people in the USA during the 1950's.
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are,
its'
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't
be long
when
$5,000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A
quarter
a
pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a
dime just
to
mail a letter?"
(5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything.
Pretty
soon
it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
(6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able
to hire
outside help at the store."
(7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas
would
someday
cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car
in the
garage."
(8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make
it
impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their
hair as
long as the girls."
(9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The
Clock`
thing is
nothing but racket."
(10) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever
since they
let
Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,`
it seems
every movie has a `hell` or damn` in
it."
(11) "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the
same bed
in
the movies. What is this world coming to?"
(12) "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so
apparently
there
are no standards anymore."
(13) "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent
cigar."
(14) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's
possible to
put
a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even
have some
fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(15) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if
someday
they'll
be making more than the president."
(16) "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the
country?"
(17) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances
would
be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(18) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a
few
married
women are having to work to make ends meet."
(19) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to
hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(20) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, those Hollywood
stars seem
to
be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(21) " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me,
he
won't be
able to sit down for a week."
(22) "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to
wear
slacks
to their service?"
(23) "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying
us not to
grow crops."
(24) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
door to a
whole lot of foreign business."
(25) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government
takes
half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing
the best
people to Congress."
(26) "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to
college?
Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she
could be a
doctor or a lawyer."
(27) "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my
kids,
"Don't
take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in
it."
(28) The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but
I
seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."
(29) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It
costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(30) "No one can afford to be sick anymore, $35 a day in the
hospital is
too
rich for my blood."
(31) "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country
that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
(32) "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of
coffee to 15
cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
(33) "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
I'll
have
my wife learn to cut hair."
(34) "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter
informed us
she
wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
(35) "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic
transmissions,
and
who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."
****************
Advertising Terms - Interpretation
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it..
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as heck.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
*******************
There is supposedly at least one tattoo studio in the
continental US
which
has, in amongst all the
stock designs on the walls, the Chinese for "I'm so stupid that
I don't
know
what this means."
The person who mentioned this was American-Chinese, and asked
the
tattooist
why this was up on the wall. The tattooist replied that it was
there to
catch idiots who just picked designs which they thought looked
cool -
and
that if someone was stupid enough to get a phrase which they
didn't
understand tattooed on their body, he'd do it.
Apparently he'd already put the design on several people, too -
if
they'd
have asked him what it meant, he'd have told them.
enough for now? good. hope you haven't heard them before.
