"All Possibilities" (mind control and much more)

[amalgam]

An MC Adventure critique time!

I started working on my Chyoo over a year ago, when Chyoo was dead. I didn't know it at the time, though, so I just assumed that it took awhile to get approved. I ended up writing quite a bit for the story regardless, simply cuz I enjoyed it.

The revival of Chyoo was accompanied by the revival of my story, as one day it actually got approved. Needlessly to say, it entered the fray with dozens of threads already added to it.

Anyway, I have several goals for All Possibilities (a mind control chyoo), one of which is to create a consistent world in which decisions matter, and the consequences thereof are not arbitrary. This is an editing style, and I've created an index of people, places, and things to facilitate the writing. The index contains all established information in the tale, as well as spoilers. You might think this restricting, and it is in a certain way, but what I like about it is that it only lists what is already known. New information comes as new threads are added, and that information is added to the index. We are building the mysteries as we go along, my friends. The paths you take will reveal different aspects of the story. You may not see the big picture until you've been through the whole thing (at least, that's kinda what I'm going for).

I always leave feedback. Happy reading/writing!

 

[amalgam]

Alley, the registration girl

Oops. I changed the name of this chyoo a little while ago to An MC Adventure! Anyway, I've recently been developing a path wherein the reader (2POV) woos Alley, the dorm registration girl. My latest passage takes place in an Italian restaurant where we get to know the green-eyed brunette a little more. Here is the post and some notes on areas I am concerned about. My comments in red italics:

Miraculously, the exhaustion has left you, but only to be replaced with hunger. Your stomach roars embarassingly in front of your visitor, and she laughs gently, already guessing what you might feel like doing. Yes, a bite to eat would really hit the spot right now.

"I know just the place!" declares Alley. "I hope you like Italian."


Judging by her intricate knowledge of the alarmingly prolific menu, Alley is no stranger to Mario's Kitchen, a cozy little shop just a few blocks from The Village. She seems the type to get a taste for one thing and stick with it. Indeed, she says, because she's already had every single thing on what is practically the bible of Italian cuisine.

"Oh yah, I eat here like every other day. Probably a lot more often than I should," she laughs, her face turning just a tinge of red, although that might be the -vino- that her waiter-friend slipped to her illegally. "You wouldn't tell anyone, right?" she asks, furtively sipping her Pinot Grigio.

Is it clear that she means for you not tell anyone about her underaged drinking?

"No, never," you reply.

"Good," she says with a wink, "cuz otherwise I'd have to beat you up." Alley isn't the tallest girl, but she's reasonably well-conditioned, and not afraid to show her strength, if her handshake is anything to go on. She lifts her blouse and pounds lightly at her own abdominals. A fit girl indeed. She giggles. "When you're busy stuffing your face with spagetti as often as I am," the girl explains, "you kind of have to be."

Do you get the image that her abs are somewhat toned? When she says, "you kind of have to be," is it clear that she's responding to being a "fit girl?"

But the tough-girl visage is a bit of a facade, at least, when it comes to the alcohol; afterall, she's a junior, and she'll be of legal drinking age within a month. Not that she's some kind of poser, though. She's the type of lady to walk tall, with self-respect and the ideal of independence. Nobody pushes her around. That kind of confidence in a woman might be intimidating to some men, and she knows this. The male ego is a powerful thing.

Alley rolls her eyes and huffs exasperatedly. "Oh my god, the last boy I went on a date with-- god, that seems like years ago--" she notes, "he made this big stink about me beating him in basketball. Like, how insecure are you, Little Boy?"

Does Alley's complaint seem out of the blue? Does it come across that Alley doesn't get a lot of dates, and because of her self-reliant nature?

Finally the meal starts to wind down, and your date finishes off her last few pieces of tortellini. "Boy, I am stuffed!" she declares, holding her arms in the air and stretching on behalf of her pasta-filled gut. The twins spring off her chest as she archs her back, and her midriff subtly winks with its one button-eye before it goes back into hiding underneath the rebounding red blouse.

Does the image come to you that she's stretching, and her shirt is lifting up to bear her bellybutton? Do you get that by rebounding, I mean that the shirt is falling back into place as she releases the stretch? Is the winking metaphor any good? Is twins okay, or should I just say breasts, since I haven't mentioned breasts previously in this passage?

With an inexplicably adoring glance, she queries, "Wanna come back to my room?"

You may notice that I've almost completely left out any direct descriptors of the hero. If you've read my treatise on 2POV writing, you'll understand why, although I'm considering adding a few more references to the viewer. In addition to the aforementioned concerns, does the piece as a whole feel well connected? Do you feel anything lost by the minimal mention of the reader's character? Does your own imagination fill in anything for you?