All feedback welcome

[lady_sensuous]

 

[wildsweetone]

hi lady_sensuous and welcome to the poetry forum.

interesting poem you've posted. would you like feedback or are you here to share?

 

[flyguy69]

A sexy theme to this poem. There are some grammatical issues that interfere with understanding and should be fixed: in S2 the subject is "sheet," suggesting it is the sheet that wants to be filled. In S4/5 the subject is "I," which leads you to press your lips to yourself, and slither your tongue down your own spine. Which would still lead to a different hole than I was expecting!

There are other subject/verb agreement issues throughout, but the reader can generally tease out the meaning. You'll have to decide how much work you want your readers to have to go through.

The final line seems unwarrented: you have until then only focussed on a sexual need, there you suggest that the need is not just romantic. But it never was so there is no surprise.

Good luck with this.

With breast exposed
slightly over satin sheet,
face turned to wall, eyes closed,
I pretend to be in slumber.

Sheet torments the warm,
hungered hole between my legs,
keeps me awake, and longs
to be filled with love.

I await his presence, become
impatient, remember hints; teased
words to make love after his shower.
I rise, leave, enter,

pull the curtain aside to see
his back, rinsing off soap with
eyes shut to quickly open
when I grazed my breasts

to his wet, hairy chest, lips
pressed to mine, slithered tongue
down my spine to where I starved,
welcomed his love to fill the hole

not only in my heart.

 

[lady_sensuous]

 

[wildsweetone]

actually fly just mentioned about the tongue down the spine, i was trying to imagine how that could happen.

 

[lady_sensuous]