Alanon

[BrownEyes26]

HI everyone.
I was wondering if anyone has taken part in Alanon. I also would like to know what it is like. I am planning on going to my first meeting this week.

The reason why I am going is because I came to the realization that my behaviours are, in large part, related to my father's alcoholism. This has been affecting my relationships and my feelings about myself. I am tired of trying to be perfect, and being unable to maintain a good relationship.

Thanks for the input.
BE26

 

[firefighter02]

I commend you on taking the first step. The children and others affected by a persons alcholism are often the forgotten ones when it comes to giving help to those who really need it.

Society rails and rails on "self-help" and "12-step programs" for the abuser but rarely ever thinks about the nameless victims of that problem.

Finding a group to help you through those issues is a good thing, and if it doesn't work for you, find another group that will..

Best of Luck...Remember..we're all in this together.

FF

 

[SexyChele]

When I was dating an alcoholic several years back, I went to Alanon while he went to AA. I really recommend going. Yes, it can be kinda nerve-wracking the first time, but really, these are people who are going to understand completely what you are going through.

The meetings are very casual. They will probably have coffee and cookies - seems standard anywhere you go! The biggest thing is this: what comes up at the meetings, stays in the meetings. Also, though you meet people within Alanon, you never disclose to anyone outside of the group that the person attends. They take the anonymous part very seriously.

You can go and not say a word, or you can ask to speak if you feel so inclined. You can go for weeks before saying anything to group. No one pushes you. The meeting facilitator will probably greet you and speak with you privately before the meeting begins. You can reveal as much or as little as you like. Other attendees are normally quite friendly, no matter the age. There are no judgements and no one telling you what you "must" do, unless you ask for advice. Often, small groups from within the meeting will meet afterwards for coffee.

Do not expect a counseling session. If you need counseling, there are places to go. Do expect a group of ordinary people, covering all age ranges, who have been subjected to alcoholic family members, friends, or partners. Do expect that these people will be there to listen, to support, to offer up their own experiences. If you feel you need counseling, the meeting facilitator will probably be able to give you referrals, and other meeting attendees may be able to give you recommendations.

And don't be afraid to try out different meetings! If you are fortunate to live in a larger area, there are often different meetings on different nights. Check them out, if possible. Find a group you feel comfortable with. Each one seems to have their own individual "flavor" depending on the makeup of the group.

Relax. You will be surrounded by people who will be able to share in what you have been living with. Just that in itself can be comforting.

Good luck!

 

[BrownEyes26]

Thanks SexyChele and firefighter. I am kind of nervous about going .
I have counseled people before, but going for youself is sooo different!! I will let you know how it goes.
Again, thanks for the feeback.
BE26

 

[zhukov1943]

I did AA for a while, and didn't care much for it. Too many "war-stories" and overtly religious content, not enough useful advice...

Al-Anon is undoubtedly different from AA, but it probably has its own problems. My advice:

Don't speak up until you feel comfortable. This could take weeks. Don't rush it.

Be very, very careful who you give your name or phone number to. You could have trouble with a really needy person who won't leave you alone...

Just listen. You'll know after the first few meetings whether or not they've got anything for you. If they don't have anything you want, don't let them "guilt" you into coming back.

Don't get "sucked in" - some people end up basing their lives around going to meetings, hanging out with other members after meetings, going across town to try new meetings...Just remember, this is a useful tool - not a lifestyle.

Good luck, and I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[BrownEyes26]

Hey Zhukov
Thanks for the input. I was kind of worried about the idea of giving up everything to a higher power. I am not even Christened, and this idea does not jive with who I am.
I will, however, go for a few weeks to get a feel for what Alanon is about.
Again, thanks.
BE26

 

[SexyChele]

Hey Zhukov
Thanks for the input. I was kind of worried about the idea of giving up everything to a higher power. I am not even Christened, and this idea does not jive with who I am.
I will, however, go for a few weeks to get a feel for what Alanon is about.
Again, thanks.
BE26

I wouldn't worry overly much about a Christian bent. Granted, the men who started AA were Christian minded, but most who attend meetings are either not Christian or are suspicious of Christian theology. The man I dated was about as anti-Christian as one can get - and because of that absolutely resisted AA. (He was court ordered to go after 2 DUIs within 2 weeks) Once he understood the concept that a higher power is not necessarily God but whoever/whatever he designated, it worked for him.

And giving things over to a higher power for me, as an enabler, did not turn me into some "on fire for the Lord" Christian. It simply made me understand and realize that I can't - and refuse to - try to control the actions of others. Giving up the actions of another person to an entity outside of myself made me realize that I can only be concerned about my own actions, and I can only be concerned with how I react to another's behavior. Changing their behavior, or worrying about it, it completely up to them. That's basically what higher power meant to me.

I do agree that one should not look to Alanon as a lifestyle. But then, that can be dangerous with just about almost anything. You also have to remember that alcoholics are known for having addictive personalities. It is easy for them to get addicted to other things besides alcohol.

And I never felt "guilted" into attending a meeting or not. If I didn't show up, no one made an issue out of it. Maybe I just had a good group, I don't know. I did receive encouragement to come back after the first time in an effort to be made welcome. However, if I had something going on that particular evening, it was not a big deal.

Just as with anything, people are going to have good experiences and not so good experiences. You need to figure out why you want to go to Alanon and how you feel it might help you.

 

[zhukov1943]

Yeah, Chele - sounds like your group was a helluva lot better than mine!

Not trying to "put you off" of going, Browneyes. Just wanted to warn you about a few "possibles". Again, good luck!

 

[sheath]

First of all...kudos for taking that step. It is a very important one, as you well know...and a hard one to take. But worthwhile.

I have had some experience with Alanon. Walking into that room was one of the hardest things I ever did. I was in a point in my life where I fully believed, for many various reasons, that my married lover's alcoholism was somehow my fault. I just knew I was going to be blamed and looked at with condescending eyes.

I found a group of caring, accepting people who asked nothing of me, who did not judge, and who offered their time and listening ear to me when I needed it most. There was one person in that room who said, at one point, 'why were you with a married man in the first place? Didn't you know it would cause problems for him?' That person might have had a point, yes...but she was ushered out of there so fast it was almost funny. They are very serious about 'non-judgment'.

So, I say...go for it. Absolutely. You have nothing at all to lose, and a whole world of support and compassion to gain.

S.

 

[CelticFrog]

I just want to interject with another option.

If you find that you don't like Alanon for one reason or another, consider looking into the other groups that are out there... specifically CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).

Since the 12-step programs are all based on the 12 steps, it's easy enough to pick and choose and find the right group that makes you feel welcome and whatnot.

I say this because you're realizing that your behaviors have been affected by your experiences as a family member of an alcoholic.

CoDA has also been referred to as ACOA/CoDA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and really seriously way hugely mega totally (etc.) helped me work through a lot of issues I had after an abusive relationship (if you read sheath's what the hell is up... thread, you can pretty much read exactly what I went through. Scary.) and as a result I am healthier and stronger.

So if Alanon isn't your cup of tea, coffee, cocoa, whatever... look into ACOA/CoDA.

CoDA website

Here are other websites (borrowed with permission from sheath's book that's coming out in a little over a week!!!) that are good resources.

Alanon -- Alateen

US/Canada AA website

Great Britain AA website

Australian AA website

"Always remember: the longest journey begins
with one small step. God Bless."
~~Gwen Masters

Good luck.
Ang

 

[BrownEyes26]

Wow, thanks a lot guys!! I feel like I have a good idea of what to expect now. I really appreciate your support. CelticFrog, I have looked into the ACOA group here, it is at the same time as one of my classes. Maybe I will go after I am finished school for the term. I am glad that I posted this query .
BE26

 

[Machiavellian]

Wow, thanks a lot guys!! I feel like I have a good idea of what to expect now. I really appreciate your support. CelticFrog, I have looked into the ACOA group here, it is at the same time as one of my classes. Maybe I will go after I am finished school for the term. I am glad that I posted this query .
BE26

I hope things work out. Good luck.

 

[fgarvb1]

HI everyone.
I was wondering if anyone has taken part in Alanon. I also would like to know what it is like. I am planning on going to my first meeting this week.

The reason why I am going is because I came to the realization that my behaviours are, in large part, related to my father's alcoholism. This has been affecting my relationships and my feelings about myself. I am tired of trying to be perfect, and being unable to maintain a good relationship.

Thanks for the input.
BE26

Hi, YA BrownEyes26.

I'm ACOA. I would encourage you very,very much to look around and find a good ACOA group.

What you find out about yourself and your relationships with people will freak you out!
Scary huh? Yes it is. painful? Damn straight. Some people have to back off for awhile.

You will meet some people who you will swear grew up at YOUR house. You will bond with some people like you have never bonded before.

You will learn how to live life to a fullness that you never knew existed.

How do I know this?

I helped start an ACOA group here in my home town. I made all but four meetings in six years.

It changed my life forever for the better.

Check them out.

It will work if you work it.

http://www.adultchildren.org/

 

[BrownEyes26]

Thanks fgarvb1. I am ready to do this, I really want to become a better me. Having a group of people who share the same experience will be a great help, I am sure. And thanks for the link.

Coming to the realization that I had been replaying my childhood in my relationships was like a wake up call for me. And being a counsellor, I know that having support can be very helpful in a person's healing journey.
My counsellor supports me, as do my friends and all of you kind folks who have answered this thread. I am on my way!!

BE26

 

[MagicFingers]

Just GO and listen for yourself.

I...Don't get "sucked in" - some people end up basing their lives around going to meetings, hanging out with other members after meetings, going across town to try new meetings...Just remember, this is a useful tool - not a lifestyle.

Good luck, and I hope you find what you're looking for.

Hope you don't mind me cutting part of this to get to the part I want to comment on. The above comment is something to definately watch out for! It is the reason I am no longer married.
She used ALL her free time going to meetings, talking to other disfunctional people, sponsoring people, talking to her sponsor, etc, that she had no time for me or our kids.

That being said, I support all they do wholeheartedly! ACA is a good alternative to ALANON. If one group doesn't work, try another one. I went to all kinds of meetings, listened to all the tapes, even worked my own 12 step from Ken Keys' "Handbook to Higher Consiousness". You will learn more and more from each different source that will help you and YOUR family to become better people.

Please report back, but no details, please, for anonymity's sake.

 

[BrownEyes26]

Hi I went to my first Alanon meeting, it was nice. I am going to another this weekend. It may not be for me, but I am going to give it a chance .
Thanks for your input, How To People .
BE26

 

[CelticFrog]

Congratulations for taking that first step.

I may not know you, but I'm proud of you.

Ang

 

[BrownEyes26]

*scuffles feet* awww thanks Ang
I am proud of me too
Seeya later!!
BE26