After much deliberation...

[sexygurrl]

... I felt like I should ask others.
I recently submitted a story and it was accepted.
It's under the Incest/Taboo tab and the title is Cousin Love.

I am looking for feedback and constructive criticism, as well as maybe answering whether or not I put it in the correct category?

https://literotica.com/s/cousin-love-5

 

[LesDesirable]

Opening exposition paragraph - this kind of thing is just as easily done through with dialogue and action rather than telling us that Rory is lazy, barely tolerated, useless, but hot.

The rest is just sex, not bad, not super hot. Just sex.

On the whole, this primarily a sex scene, with an opening and a short closing which attempt to make it full.

You could fill it out into a full story by: developing the characters, through a better executed opening, more dialogue, and some feelings and emotions. You should develop more conflict by extending and expounding on the living situation, and add some tension between the characters. Just telling me is not enough, show us.

The sex is fine, but for one player's fantasy situation, and a complete gift to another, and an unwelcome but OK surprise for the third, written completely without any emotion.j

Your writing is good enough, simple, few errors, some unnecessary wording in places, but nothing that ruins the read.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Hi, sexygurrl; I actually read “Cousin Love” a couple of days ago because our stories posted the same day Congrats on your story!

I thought you picked the right category. Were you also considering Group? Imho, the reception would probably have been about the same. The Group readers are generous with their votes like they are in I/T, but you get more exposure/more reads in I/T.

I disagree that your beginning was too expositional or that you need to expound in the living situation; I prefer straightforward scene setting, and I’m not a fan of creating unnatural dialogue just to share basic plot information.

Your prose was clear and easy to follow. However, there wasn’t any plot or character development; it was just a short sex scene. Your writing doesn’t have to be as lengthy and detailed as, say, War & Peace, but the I/T readers tend to expect some subplot and character development (doesn’t have to be much at all), sexual tension (will they/won’t they), some degree of relationship building and an obstacle that has to be overcome to get the relatives to acknowledge their sexual desire. You don’t have to follow that formula (I don’t; but my characters are slightly sociopathic) but if those elements are missing, as they are in your submission, the I/T readers will generally expect that you have something more compelling instead and express their disappointment if you don’t.

Hope this was helpful and congrats again on your submission!

 

[8letters]

Right category? Probably. Cousin stories get far less views, comments and favorites as say mom/son or brother/sister. There isn't any reluctance/guilt in the story that a lot of I/T stories have. I don't know much about the Group Sex category, but I could see it fitting there.

There's no emotion in the story, no characterization. I don't care that they're having sex.

One big thing for me was that I assumed at the start that the narrator was a man. The first clue that the narrator is a woman in when Rory uses her name. And as "Liana" is an odd name to me, it didn't click with me that the narrator was a woman. An important detail like that should be made clear up front.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Right category? Probably. Cousin stories get far less views, comments and favorites as say mom/son or brother/sister. There isn't any reluctance/guilt in the story that a lot of I/T stories have. I don't know much about the Group Sex category, but I could see it fitting there.

There's no emotion in the story, no characterization. I don't care that they're having sex.

One big thing for me was that I assumed at the start that the narrator was a man. The first clue that the narrator is a woman in when Rory uses her name. And as "Liana" is an odd name to me, it didn't click with me that the narrator was a woman. An important detail like that should be made clear up front.

Agree with 8letters about the gender surprise - that was an, "Oh wait, what just happened?" moment for me, too. Not that clarity made much difference. Not much was going on, and what was, was mechanical. It was all a bit dull.

Your dialogue needs better punctuation. You use many words as speech tags which aren't speech indicators. For example:

"No," He was wide-eyed and staring.

should be: "No." He was wide-eyed and staring. (Those words are not speech tags, they are descriptions of his appearance.)

It's a stretch that, "Please. Let me feel him," is anything like a purr at all, but you've used "purr" as a speech tag.

Taking charge, she patted the bed, "Liana, I want you to lick my pussy while I suck this beautiful dick."

should be: Taking charge, she patted the bed. "Liana, I want you to lick my pussy while I suck this beautiful dick." ("Patted" is not a speech indicator.)

You do that a lot in your dialogue construction, enough to grate on many readers, I'd say. I'd tighten that up, and get out of bad habits early.

More importantly though, write characters with depth and emotion. These are a bit flat.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Assuming the narrator was a man, when the authors name is "sexygurrl" seems like a you problem, and not a story problem.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Assuming the narrator was a man, when the authors name is "sexygurrl" seems like a you problem, and not a story problem.

Probably. But the default in Incest stories is generally hetero, and I don't pay attention to account names to establish bias. If I did, everything you wrote would be about clumsy doctors, which is a bit simplistic, n'est ce pas .

 

[sexygurrl]

Thanks to all who replied here.

I have taken away quite a couple of things.

Just a couple of points:
Rory isn't actually lazy, but point noted. Sarcasm doesn't come off well in writing; quotation marks are not enough.
Liana is, indeed, a woman and hard as I tried I couldn't make her gender more obvious at the beginning. I just couldn't find a good place for it. Figured that the little synopsis bit would be enough, but I was wrong. I apologize.
To be fair, though, she kept coming off as "manly" when I conceived her. But, again, I suppose I could've done a better job of making it obvious that she's a woman.

All in all, it was supposed to be a short and quick sex story with the tentative idea that it might grow, which in turn would help the characters grown.

Thanks again, definitely things to work on.