AFTER - hoping for some feedback

Varian P

writing again
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Jul 20, 2004
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The first chapter of my latest story, After, posted today, and I've come begging for constructive feedback.

It's a pretty big departure for me, both stylistically, and in attempting a plot that's bigger than the immediate needs/desires of the main characters.

A word of warning; this chapter's fairly dark, with some n/c/reluctance scenes, though ultimately the larger story is about individuals defying and rising above their brutal environment.

Cheers!
 
AsylumSeeker said:
The violence turned me off.

Yeah, fair enough. Much of the story was quite difficult for me to write.

What drove me to write the story is my recurring realization that this kind of violence goes on so frequently--not the kind of violence committed by sociopaths, but by "ordinary" people in certain types of situations. Just create a situation where the usual rules no longer apply--Mardis Gras, big outdoor music festival, war--and men who've never done anything like it before commit violent sexual assault.

Not a happy topic, but one that pesters and pesters me.

Thanks for having a look, anyway.

-Varian
 
Alright, I'll start with what I didn't like, just because I'm evil that way. I noticed a lot of sentences starting with 'and' or 'but' (outside of dialog). I'm just a bit old school when it comes to that. I'm also not too fond of the choppy sentences/fragment, but that's really a matter of personal preference.

On to what I enjoyed: first, the story had me gripped from beginning to end. The premise is intriguing, and the well-developed characters made it even more interesting. You've also done well on building suspense, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
 
Ok, I read it.

You have a lot of "ly" words along with the "and/but" beginning sentences.

The choppy/short sentences...there are a lot, and some do work. Just not all of them that you have.

On the up side, it has character, plot, dialogue...


I really didn't like it and I never got into the characters. It was a struggle to keep reading, as I was bored.

My opinion only. ML
 
Enjoyed it, ready to read more...

...good dialogue. And certainly enough there to want to see how it plays out/what the circumstances are, etc. Like the post above, I did notice a number of adverbs.

Some picky stuff...don't think you really need "masticate" re the apple, kind of an SAT word to me.

If they're under some type of ration, why would she wash, rinse, and repeat w/ the shampoo?

Lotsa "the eagle" (sorry I try to avoid "too many" comments lest I sound like King Toomanynotes in Amadeus ;) )

Not sure what's next, but by virtue of being chosen wouldn't John's life automatically be in danger? Seems there would be reason to want another drawing.

Thanks for posting as always! I always feel a little smarter after reading something of yours! ;)
 
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Interesting story, I liked the senario. I've been thinking of a similar situation, a post disaster or apocolypse setting myself. It opens a lot of possibilities, and allows you to throw the normal social norms out the window, and create a new set out of essentially thin air.

One thing, more for discussion rather than a story critique. Procreation of the species isn't mentioned, and I would assume that it would be part of the considerations? With the presence of a breeding age woman, wouldn't procreation be considered? Let's be honest, teenaged girls are usually so fertile that all they have to do is stand downwind of a boy and they can get pregnant. I would think that verfiable sperm counts would be a potential discriminating factor in the lottery as well. If a guy has no sperm count, no valid sperm, then perhaps he wouldn't get entered in the lottery in the first place.

Only a couple observations, Eagles are worn by Colonel's while Majors wear Gold Oak Leaves as rank insignia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Army

Second observation, the dialogue. I guess I like it when we are sure who said what. Every once in a while, throw a name in there to let us know we are on the right or wrong track.

"Why?" she asks, crying now. "Why'd you fake it?"

"Because. I'm not a rapist."

"And for what you did the other night you risked what?"

"Banishment."

"Death."


"Yes."

"So, what? If I tell you to piss off, you'll just go away and leave me alone?"

"Yes."

She glares at him, challenging him.

"But then there'll be another lottery."


The Banishment Death lines. I almost thought that the same charictor, John was saying the two lines. I almost interprited it to be a very long pause, as if he said Banishment and then after say ten seconds or so he says death. Of course, I'm an idiot at times, so my observation is probably about as worthless as a screen door on a submarine. :)

All in all, I liked the story.
 
Overall, I enjoyed the story. Like the previous poster, I thought "eagle" was an erroneous reference to the Major's rank. On second reading this line cleared it up for me.

He is tall, slim, and something in his look and his bearing suggests the eagle.

The only thing in the story that gives me pause, is the public sex, and then near the end, the promise of giving the men a live sex show via camera.

I would think that this would only serve to further lower the morale of the other men. showing them what they can't have, and possibly putting John's life at risk.

Overall I thought your stark style of writing fit the story.
 
Here's my take on After, Vivian. First the Bad News -

Rule One: Get the first few paragraphs right and the reader forgives all your other errors. The second sentence in the Author's Note - "In once scene, the main character lies, saying she is sixteen."

Then there is some inpercision in your sentences. This leads to confustion. For instance, your third paragraph ends -

She tosses it down in the sparse, tall grass and tugs another apple from its branch and begins devouring it with the same fierce relish. By the time she hears a rustle of grass, the crunch of earth, it's too late.

Paragraph three is all about the girl eating an apple, then "...it's too late"? This sentence should have been the first sentence in paragraph four.

Then after she is caught one of the men says, "Get him" Him?

A few lines later you wrote -
"You're staying here with us, kid," the one on top of her says. "And you're taking your turn, when it comes."

I think you meant this dialogue to be directed first at "her" (You're staying here with us, kid) and the rest directed at the second man. That's my understanding, but it's unclear.

I know that going from the inside of your head to the printed page is hard. The way you overcome the difficulty is with percise, clear sentences and paragraphs. You continue doing the same fuzzy prose throughout the story.

In addition to a lot of sentences that begin with "And" and "But" there are too many that begin with "Eva". Try and mix it up a bit.

But there is also good news -

I liked the idea, plot and flow of the story. This has real potential to be a really good novella.

Generally, I would give this a B+. The plot development and story overcome the failures in writing and percision. It does fall short of a A, but still, a really good effort.

JJ :kiss:
 
Hi Varian,

You've been published so ignore my comments at will. Others have mentioned some things that made me stumble: the early choppy sentences (though maybe you were going for the sense that things were happening fast, desperation), mastication, the eagle. Some phrases seemed odd to my ear (do up her pants ), though maybe that's just colloquial.

I did wonder where they got all that hot water for a long, luxurious shower.

Why the public "taking" of Eva after the lottery? And the talk of showing a video of them having sex? I trust you'll explain the rational as you go a long.

"Not if we lie. Pretend. Like the other night." Her voice is like an instrument, a probe, to gage him. - I think you meant "gauge" - spell check wouldn't catch it.

It was well written, good characters that are brought along, good suspense. I like the limited explanation and allowing it to unfold. Makes me want to see what happens.
 
CeriseNoire said:
Alright, I'll start with what I didn't like, just because I'm evil that way.

You brute! ;)

CeriseNoire said:
I noticed a lot of sentences starting with 'and' or 'but' (outside of dialog). I'm just a bit old school when it comes to that. I'm also not too fond of the choppy sentences/fragment, but that's really a matter of personal preference.

I do play a bit fast and loose with the grammar, and I know it's off-putting to some, maybe even most readers. I suppose I'm still in the process of finding my voice; to my ear, those unorthodox sentence structures can put across a more impressionistic sense of thoughts and experiences, but I do want to beware of the prose being distractingly self-conscious.

CeriseNoire said:
On to what I enjoyed: first, the story had me gripped from beginning to end. The premise is intriguing, and the well-developed characters made it even more interesting. You've also done well on building suspense, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Lovely to hear--thanks! I'm glad you found it suspenseful, and got a sense of the characters. Usually I write mainly from within the characters' heads, and I was afraid this narrative approach would leave everything feeling too cold and distant.

Thanks so much for having a look, and for taking the time to give me your feedback.

-V
 
MistressLynn said:
Ok, I read it.
You have a lot of "ly" words along with the "and/but" beginning sentences.
The choppy/short sentences...there are a lot, and some do work. Just not all of them that you have.
On the up side, it has character, plot, dialogue...
I really didn't like it and I never got into the characters. It was a struggle to keep reading, as I was bored.
My opinion only. ML

And I thought I'd gotten so adept at weeding out those dragging adverbs--thanks for pointing that out. Now they're glaring off the screen at me. :rolleyes:

I'm sorry you didn't find it more compelling, but thanks for reading on and taking the time to share your thoughts.

-V
 
Varian P said:
You brute! ;)

I do play a bit fast and loose with the grammar, and I know it's off-putting to some, maybe even most readers. I suppose I'm still in the process of finding my voice; to my ear, those unorthodox sentence structures can put across a more impressionistic sense of thoughts and experiences, but I do want to beware of the prose being distractingly self-conscious.

In my case, I have no idea what proper grammar is, and I just tend to ignore it. It's my opinion that unorthodox sentences have their place in a story, and can be used to the writer's advantage.
 
ninefe2dg said:
...good dialogue. And certainly enough there to want to see how it plays out/what the circumstances are, etc.

Good to hear. :)

ninefe2dg said:
Some picky stuff...don't think you really need "masticate" re the apple, kind of an SAT word to me.

Funny. I've changed that word to other things, and back, a dozen times. I keep putting it back because it sounds more biological, to me, than "chew" or "devour" and the scene is about her sating starvation-level hunger. But, as you say, it does have that SAT ring to it. Maybe I'll change it. Again. :)

ninefe2dg said:
If they're under some type of ration, why would she wash, rinse, and repeat w/ the shampoo?

The food is rationed because they have limited supplies, and can't leave the compound, but there's not a shortage of water. (I confess, I need to iron out some aspects of the infrastructure stuff--electricity, communications, all that).

ninefe2dg said:
Lotsa "the eagle" (sorry I try to avoid "too many" comments lest I sound like King Toomanynotes in Amadeus ;) )

No, no--thanks for pointing it out.

And, there was a period in my life when that was my favorite movie. Damn that Saliary--what a meanie!

ninefe2dg said:
Not sure what's next, but by virtue of being chosen wouldn't John's life automatically be in danger? Seems there would be reason to want another drawing.

You know, I was just going to leave this cloud of peril hanging over John, with some allusions to his having warded off a couple nasty attacks in the past. But on further thought, I think I may put in a comment about Smith telling the men that if John falls prey to foul play, there'll be no lottery, he'll just keep her for himself (which wouldn't work, in practice, but might suffice as a threat to deter likely violence).

Also, I don't want to give away more of the plot, but there is a reason for the men to play it cool.

ninefe2dg said:
Thanks for posting as always! I always feel a little smarter after reading something of yours! ;)

Smarter? I was going for harder! ;)

Thank bunches!
 
Varian P said:
And I thought I'd gotten so adept at weeding out those dragging adverbs--thanks for pointing that out. Now they're glaring off the screen at me. :rolleyes:

I'm sorry you didn't find it more compelling, but thanks for reading on and taking the time to share your thoughts.

-V
Not all stories ever appeal to everyone, Varian.
You're welcome for the comments.

You started with 'and'... tut tut ;)
"And I thought I'd gotten so adept at weeding out those dragging adverbs..."
 
snake307 said:
Interesting story, I liked the senario. I've been thinking of a similar situation, a post disaster or apocolypse setting myself. It opens a lot of possibilities, and allows you to throw the normal social norms out the window, and create a new set out of essentially thin air.

Indeed. It also affords the possibility of creating a social microcosm where the actions of individual actors have grand consequences.

snake307 said:
One thing, more for discussion rather than a story critique. Procreation of the species isn't mentioned, and I would assume that it would be part of the considerations? With the presence of a breeding age woman, wouldn't procreation be considered? Let's be honest, teenaged girls are usually so fertile that all they have to do is stand downwind of a boy and they can get pregnant. I would think that verfiable sperm counts would be a potential discriminating factor in the lottery as well. If a guy has no sperm count, no valid sperm, then perhaps he wouldn't get entered in the lottery in the first place.

The procreation issue comes up in chapter two, and it is, in fact, a big factor in Smith's lottery scheme. Of course, he doesn't share any more of his rationale than he deems prudent for getting everyone to go along with his plan.

They can't do fertility tests, as there's no doctor among the survivors, and there's only the most basic of medical equipment at the base. However, Smith knows that John had fathered a child prior to the apocalypse.

snake307 said:
Only a couple observations, Eagles are worn by Colonel's while Majors wear Gold Oak Leaves as rank insignia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Army

Thanks for that tip. Actually, I mean the "eagle" nickname to allude to Smith's appearance and bearing, not his rank, but as several people have brought this up, I may have to rethink either the nickname or the rank.

snake307 said:
Second observation, the dialogue. I guess I like it when we are sure who said what. Every once in a while, throw a name in there to let us know we are on the right or wrong track.

Thanks for this, too. I get called out for lack of attribution with just about every piece I write. I do try to be better about it, but I seem to be an incurable recidivist.

snake307 said:
All in all, I liked the story.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for your feedback.

-V
 
drksideofthemoon said:
Overall, I enjoyed the story. Like the previous poster, I thought "eagle" was an erroneous reference to the Major's rank. On second reading this line cleared it up for me.

He is tall, slim, and something in his look and his bearing suggests the eagle.

I think since a few people got tripped up by this, I might just make the eagle a colonel. I don't want that bugging everyone who's familiar with military ranks and insignia.

drksideofthemoon said:
The only thing in the story that gives me pause, is the public sex, and then near the end, the promise of giving the men a live sex show via camera.

I would think that this would only serve to further lower the morale of the other men. showing them what they can't have, and possibly putting John's life at risk.

Well, the whole scenario is largely a thought experiment--one which, one hopes, will never be tested on actual human subjects. I go back and forth on what I think an actual likely reaction would be. Is it worse to hide Eva away, and leave the men to their imaginations? I mean, it's not like they're going to forget that John's in there with her, doing things. Or is it just taunting them and riling them up, as you say, showing the men what they can't have?

In the porn debates, there's a school of thought that believes all porn exacerbates the tendency of men to perpetrate sexual violence against women. And there are studies which claim to demonstrate that when men are given access to porn, the rate of sexual violence declines.

I tend to subscribe to the idea that the nature of the depictions is the crucial variable, and that's the idea I play with in the upcoming chapters: Eva and John are forced to perform on-camera for the men, but they don't act the way they're expected to act. She decides not to play the victim, and very deliberately--if inconsistently--takes on the role of the sexual aggressor. John, meanwhile, is very careful and tender with her. As the story goes on, I play with how the men react to those representations.

drksideofthemoon said:
Overall I thought your stark style of writing fit the story.

I'm glad to hear it. It's both fun and a little unsettling, trying out the different style.

Thanks so much for reading, and for offering your comments.

-V
 
Varian P said:
Well, the whole scenario is largely a thought experiment--one which, one hopes, will never be tested on actual human subjects. I go back and forth on what I think an actual likely reaction would be. Is it worse to hide Eva away, and leave the men to their imaginations? I mean, it's not like they're going to forget that John's in there with her, doing things. Or is it just taunting them and riling them up, as you say, showing the men what they can't have?

You're starving, you haven't eaten in three weeks. Which is more cruel? Knowing that two people are eating behind the closed door, or to be forced to watch them dine? Personally, I think it would be worse to watch them eat.

Varian P said:
In the porn debates, there's a school of thought that believes all porn exacerbates the tendency of men to perpetrate sexual violence against women. And there are studies which claim to demonstrate that when men are given access to porn, the rate of sexual violence declines.

The problem with studies is that numbers can be manipulated to portray what the researcher wants to show. Sexual violence, rape, is rarely about sexual gratification, it's usually about control and power.

I know that I have never viewed porn and felt the need to attack some unsuspecting female.

Varian P said:
I tend to subscribe to the idea that the nature of the depictions is the crucial variable, and that's the idea I play with in the upcoming chapters: Eva and John are forced to perform on-camera for the men, but they don't act the way they're expected to act. She decides not to play the victim, and very deliberately--if inconsistently--takes on the role of the sexual aggressor. John, meanwhile, is very careful and tender with her. As the story goes on, I play with how the men react to those representations.

I'm glad to hear it. It's both fun and a little unsettling, trying out the different style.

Thanks so much for reading, and for offering your comments.

-V

Thank you for providing something interesting for us to read. I look forward to the next chapter.
 
Varian P said:
Good to hear. :)

Funny. I've changed that word to other things, and back, a dozen times. I keep putting it back because it sounds more biological, to me, than "chew" or "devour" and the scene is about her sating starvation-level hunger. But, as you say, it does have that SAT ring to it. Maybe I'll change it. Again. :)

"Masticate" also has the disadvantage of sounding too much like "masturbate" and so those of us with our minds perpetually in the gutter tend to giggle when they hear it. (ditto for "matriculate", so if there's school in your next tale, just have them enroll!)


The food is rationed because they have limited supplies, and can't leave the compound, but there's not a shortage of water. (I confess, I need to iron out some aspects of the infrastructure stuff--electricity, communications, all that).

Funny I didn't even think about the water (as another poster did). I was thinking about using twice as much shampoo by repeating!


No, no--thanks for pointing it out.

And, there was a period in my life when that was my favorite movie. Damn that Saliary--what a meanie!

Yeah, but after a while didn't "Wolfie's" laugh kinda make you wanna kill him, too? The scene that made it for me was Mozart's taunting Salieri by playing a song in his style...few years ago I saw an autistic savant (at least that's what they called him, not sure of his actual diagnosis) with remarkable musical ability playing "Do you know the way to San Jose" in a baroque style. Gave some glimpse as to the remarkable untapped power of the human brain. I could use some of that when I write and wish I could access it (assuming it's there!)


You know, I was just going to leave this cloud of peril hanging over John, with some allusions to his having warded off a couple nasty attacks in the past. But on further thought, I think I may put in a comment about Smith telling the men that if John falls prey to foul play, there'll be no lottery, he'll just keep her for himself (which wouldn't work, in practice, but might suffice as a threat to deter likely violence).

Also, I don't want to give away more of the plot, but there is a reason for the men to play it cool.

Looking forward to the next installment! But yeah, as it stands now, unless John gets the immunity idol he stands a good chance to be voted out of the tribe.

Re the "eagle", would another bird of prey that's not a military insignia fit? Can he be a "hawk"? Shoot, when I kept seeing "eagle" I thought he had the body of a lunar module! ;)


Smarter? I was going for harder! ;)
Thank bunches!


You're welcome! Harder we got from the last story (not to mention that cute little heinie AV in your rotation ;) ). Non-consent doesn't take me in that direction, but with this story I'm nonetheless intrigued!
 
Jenny_Jackson said:
Here's my take on After, Vivian. First the Bad News -

Rule One: Get the first few paragraphs right and the reader forgives all your other errors. The second sentence in the Author's Note - "In once scene, the main character lies, saying she is sixteen."

Eh, I know. I absolutely cringed when it posted, and I spotted that. That's what I get for slapping that note up last-second, as I submitted the piece, as I realized the editors would think Eva was underage, based solely on the content of that chapter.

Jenny_Jackson said:
Then there is some inpercision in your sentences. This leads to confustion. For instance, your third paragraph ends -

She tosses it down in the sparse, tall grass and tugs another apple from its branch and begins devouring it with the same fierce relish. By the time she hears a rustle of grass, the crunch of earth, it's too late.

Paragraph three is all about the girl eating an apple, then "...it's too late"? This sentence should have been the first sentence in paragraph four.

Thanks, good point.

Jenny_Jackson said:
Then after she is caught one of the men says, "Get him" Him?

A few lines later you wrote -
"You're staying here with us, kid," the one on top of her says. "And you're taking your turn, when it comes."

I think you meant this dialogue to be directed first at "her" (You're staying here with us, kid) and the rest directed at the second man. That's my understanding, but it's unclear.

Thanks for pointing out the lack of clarity there. The line "Get him" does indeed refer to a "him": one soldier attempts to run off, rather than participate in the rape. That same soldier is the one the other line, "You're staying here with us, kid..." is directed at, as well. I'll have a look at that scene and work on clarifying things.

Jenny_Jackson said:
I know that going from the inside of your head to the printed page is hard. The way you overcome the difficulty is with percise, clear sentences and paragraphs. You continue doing the same fuzzy prose throughout the story.

Yeah, at times, for those of us who aren't masters of the art, it's a fine line between keeping things clear, and patronizing the reader. But I know I can't really see where things get hard to follow, since I have foreknowledge of what the prose is trying to convey. Lucky for me there are all you generous people willing to take the time to tell me!

Jenny_Jackson said:
In addition to a lot of sentences that begin with "And" and "But" there are too many that begin with "Eva". Try and mix it up a bit.

Thanks, I'll keep an eye out for that.

Jenny_Jackson said:
But there is also good news -

I liked the idea, plot and flow of the story. This has real potential to be a really good novella.

Generally, I would give this a B+. The plot development and story overcome the failures in writing and percision. It does fall short of a A, but still, a really good effort.

JJ :kiss:

Glad to hear the core of the story is working for you.

Thanks for taking the time to read, and for your concrete, constructive criticism. :rose:

-V
 
Hi jomar--thanks for the feedback.

jomar said:
Hi Varian,

You've been published so ignore my comments at will.

Oh, pshaw. There are gazillions of more prestigiously published writers than myself who could benefit plenty from what you have to say.

jomar said:
Others have mentioned some things that made me stumble: the early choppy sentences (though maybe you were going for the sense that things were happening fast, desperation), mastication, the eagle. Some phrases seemed odd to my ear (do up her pants ), though maybe that's just colloquial.

I did wonder where they got all that hot water for a long, luxurious shower.

Thanks, it's helpful to have things re-iterated. Helps me figure out which things are bothering readers consistently, versus things that just happen to trip up one lone person.

jomar said:
Why the public "taking" of Eva after the lottery? And the talk of showing a video of them having sex? I trust you'll explain the rational as you go a long.

I excised a big segment where Smith expounds his rationale for the lottery, the public consummation, and the plan to broadcast John and Eva's sexual encounters, opting to let his reasons trickle out over the next few chapters. But I am wondering now if that was a mistake.

Obviously, what Smith is doing is horrific, and I want it to be read as horrific. At the same time, I think a certain type of mind could come up with just that sort of plan for dealing with the situation they're in (eighteen men and one woman isolated, possibly entirely alone on the planet).

My biggest problem is that, in the long run, I want Smith to be a redeemable character, but having him explain his rationale, I couldn't make him not sound totally psycho. Still working on that...

jomar said:
"Not if we lie. Pretend. Like the other night." Her voice is like an instrument, a probe, to gage him. - I think you meant "gauge" - spell check wouldn't catch it.

The online dictionary I use shows "gage" as an alternate spelling of "gauge." Funny, I used to always spell it "gauge" and my spell checker always flagged it. :rolleyes:

jomar said:
It was well written, good characters that are brought along, good suspense. I like the limited explanation and allowing it to unfold. Makes me want to see what happens.

Very gratifying to hear!

Thanks kindly for both the criticism and the praise. I appreciate you taking the time.

-V
 
MistressLynn said:
Not all stories ever appeal to everyone, Varian.
You're welcome for the comments.

So true.

MistressLynn said:
You started with 'and'... tut tut ;)
"And I thought I'd gotten so adept at weeding out those dragging adverbs..."

Incorrigible, aren't I?
 
drksideofthemoon said:
You're starving, you haven't eaten in three weeks. Which is more cruel? Knowing that two people are eating behind the closed door, or to be forced to watch them dine? Personally, I think it would be worse to watch them eat.

I take your point, but at the same time, I'm not sure the analogy is perfect. Reading or watching porn, going to strip clubs, etc. might make people feel more pointedly what they may be missing, but I'd argue that people still use porn to derive a degree of sexual satisfaction on the physical, psychological, and emotional level. Personally, if I were stranded by myself on the proverbial desert island, I'd rather have books and pictures than have no depictions of other people, porny or otherwise.

Ultimately, though, with "After," part of the point is that one flawed man, Smith, decides on his own how to deal with the situation, and much of his solution is seriously problematic, to say the least. His ideas might be erroneous, but hopefully not so far out that it's not possible to believe this is the sort of crazy plan someone might come up with.

drksideofthemoon said:
The problem with studies is that numbers can be manipulated to portray what the researcher wants to show.

That's for sure!

drksideofthemoon said:
Sexual violence, rape, is rarely about sexual gratification, it's usually about control and power.

I agree with you there, too.

But (sorry, MisstressLynn ;) ) I think there's a tricky interplay between that need for control and power, and the way in which people seek to gratify it through sexual violence, and also the way that form of violence is often systematically employed by organized groups (as opposed to the lone individual with mental/emotional probelms) as a tool in war and terror. I'm not saying I know or understand what the relationship is, but I do think it's inextricably linked with social and cultural notions of women and sexuality.

Another example of a situation in which sexual predation seems to be inevitable is in the U.S. prison system. There are two key ways in which that environment differs from life "outside": sexual segregation, and a population effectively distilled down to criminals (that's an arguable point, but for the purposes of this discussion...) who need to assert strength and dominance in order to avoid being victimized by their fellow prisoners. In that environment, what drives a man who's never done so before to perpetrate sexual assault against another man? Can't he exert power and control through other forms of violence and humiliation?

I don't mean to be argumentative, these are just some of the quandaries plaguing my odd little brain.

drksideofthemoon said:
Thank you for providing something interesting for us to read.

And thank you for providing me with further food for thought on this pet distraction of mine.

drksideofthemoon said:
I look forward to the next chapter.

Well, how about that--it's up. Chapter two is here. I think it's a kinder, gentler chapter.

Thanks again!
 
Varian P said:
Ultimately, though, with "After," part of the point is that one flawed man, Smith, decides on his own how to deal with the situation, and much of his solution is seriously problematic, to say the least. His ideas might be erroneous, but hopefully not so far out that it's not possible to believe this is the sort of crazy plan someone might come up with.

While Smith's plan seems to be flawed at this point, it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility.

Off to read Chapter 2.
 
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