African girl maid for English rose

[sarahscarlettlondonsmith]

Please give me some feedback on my style of writing and content for my first 3 sudmissions:- African girl maid for English rose chapter 1, African girl maid for English rose chapter 2 and African girl spanked by Scarlett, thanks Sarah.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Please give me some feedback on my style of writing and content for my first 3 sudmissions:- African girl maid for English rose chapter 1, African girl maid for English rose chapter 2 and African girl spanked by Scarlett, thanks Sarah.

Give us a link. We're very lazy.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Cos of the rude resonse you got on the other forum, I ve done the work for you;

sarahscarletts_stories

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I read all three chapters, and I have both a question and a response. My question is, why was African Maid Spanked by Scarlett posted as a seperate story, rather than as a chapter of the on-going story? It is clearly part of the same narrative, and fits neatly between chapters one and two of the longer story.

As for the story itself, I enjoyed it. You have some punctuation and formatting problems, and they can be distracting at times. However, I enjoyed the relationship between your English rose and Chiku. There are a lot of things going on there, some of which you have used to lay the framework for later chapters. What really makes the story work for me is that it is told from the point of view of the maid, rather than the mistress. Her psychology is far more complex and makes for more interesting development.

Your style of writing is a little bit of a problem for me. It reads like a period piece. Your tone is clearly deliberate, but I am not sure you want your readers to be transported to the 19th century. I was halfway through the first chapter before I realized the setting was contemporary.

 

[SweetOblivion]

These feel like works in progress

Your characters are there, as are the plot lines and the bare bones of the relationships; but the lack of detail, as someone has already commented, undermines the relationship building up and makes in seem untrue.

For instance, you introduced a third protagonist, in the ancillary story, but you don't pause to explain the relationship between her and Victoria in any detail.

Try building in a little more precise detail - why are they feeling these things and how do they appear to each of the characters - this would give your story more body. Some conversational exchanges beyond mere commands would also be helpful as you develop the story. Alternatively you could just emphasise the sexual connection and capture your audience's attention that way.

And don't be discouraged, they are, as someone else commented, promising starts - much better than most of the reading to be found here.

S.O.

 

[lookingfor_ruth]

intriguing

.....

 

[veryfaithfull]

I enjoyed you story. It took a while to get into but once I did I liked it.

 

[veryfaithfull]

I have now read all three. I enjoyed them all. There not really in line with my personal likings but I could see how someone who is into submission could get into it. I liked the last tow better then the first. Shorter stories hold my attention better.