Affair

[mikeyg]

My wife and I were interested in a threesome, fantazing about it in our love play. Sex was great, at least I thought so. We never thought we'd actually go through it. I left overseas for a year, she was approached my an attractive man. He told her how beautiful she was and she wrote and told me about it. I told her it was ok to flirt but no sex until I returned. She asked him if he was interested in having a threesome and he was for it. I was shocked she asked him, but was rather excited.

I returned home to find her acting strange and she finally told me they had sex three times. We had our hard times, but we worked through it. I wanted to divorce her several times. Of course the threesome was out of the question I was too upset. Had she waited it would have been different, maybe.

Today I was reviewing the cell phone bill while I waited for her, picking her up from work. I noticed a strange phone number and called it, it was his voice mail. I haven't confronted her about it yet.

I want to know what anyone from Lit think I should. I would tell anyone else, my friends so I have no one to discuss this with.
I want your comments and suggestions on what you think I should do.

Help me out

Mikey

 

[Nora]

Talk to her. Be as calm as you can be while you do it. Think about what you want. IF she's done with the affair, do you still want her? What if she's not done? You'll unfortunately also have to wait and find out what she wants, too.

I'm sorry. You're in a rough spot, that's for sure. Good luck.

 

[mikeyg]

I know the affair is still going on the last time she called him was May 29th, that I have on record, June's bill won't come for another month.

Mikey

 

[Nora]

so what do you want the future to be?

 

[koalabear]

You more or less give her the ok, telling her to wait till you got home was lame at best. If your married your not suppose to be fucking around or having threesomes, I may be old fashioned, but no marriage will last long with threesomes. If something is lacking in a marriage talk about it, don't go looking for something else to fuck. Divorce her, or live with someone you can't trust for the rest of yor life.

 

[YogiBare]

Talk to her. You really won't know what's happening until you do, and making assumptions could be really dangerous here. What if she ended the affair, but is having trouble getting rid of him, and thus, recent calls. Not extremely likely, but possible. No matter what she says the current situation is, I strongly recommend that you and she get marital counseling, starting right away, before the situation can go further downhill.

I'm really sorry that this has happened.

 

[AusTess]

Here's my take on extra marital affairs.

HWTHB is more than welcome to go stick his whang wherever he wants to,safely of course.


However,the emotional side is all mine.
If he dared curl up in bed for a nights sleep with some other chick,wrapped around,cuddling and talking and doing the emotional connection thing?

I would have my friend Guido make sure the next time he slept anywhere?

It'd be with the fishes.

Sex is sex is sex.
It's just 2 bodies doing what comes naturally.

I wouldn't stress.
But that's just me.

 

[mikeyg]

so what do you want the future to be?

That's a good question, I want things to be the way they used to be. I don't want to share her attention with this guy.

Mikey

 

[Nora]

ok.

So do you think you could trust her again?

Presuming it really is over, or that she's willing to make sure that it's over, do you feel that you can go forth from that point on and not dwell on it?

 

[brokenbrainwave]

what she wants is totally irrelevant, it is all about what you want. If you want to make this work, then that is your decision. Her actions are without excuse, just as it would be if you had been the party that strayed. I would say wait till the next bill comes in, if there are more calls, then lower the boom on her without warning (as in questioning). If she is continuing to have this affair knowing you feel hurt, then as hard as it might be, you will have a hell of a choice to make. Good luck, even is she see's the error of her ways your still in an unfortunate uphill struggle.

 

[AusTess]

That's a good question, I want things to be the way they used to be. I don't want to share her attention with this guy.

Mikey

That aint gonna happen,toto.
You cant turn back the clock,you cant change the fact that she's had another man.

You gotta work out,i guess,what you are lacking that makes her want another man.

 

[mikeyg]

Trust...

I guess the only way I could trust her if he wasn't anywhere near us, I seriously doubt she'd have an affair with another man. We've been married 18 years and I believe this was a one man affair.

I thought it was over with months ago, when she first told me she had sex with him. I don't know if they've had sex since I returned, but I do believe it's possible.

Trust...

Not with while he's still in this city

 

[Nora]

I think it's possible that all that was lacking was his presence, Tess. He said he was gone for a year when this started.

It's not necessarily unfixable, but no he won't be able to pretend it never happened. With luck and a lot of work, caring and determination on both sides, they can move past it together.

But both of them would have to want it and be willing to work for it.

 

[mikeyg]

You gotta work out,i guess,what you are lacking that makes her want another man.

I think it's that he's spanish, hispanic, darker than I am. Not better equiped.

 

[Nora]

There's always that fake tanning stuff and Berlitz language tapes. *g*

Seriously though, you won't be able to make any decisions until you talk to her and find out exactly what's going on and where you stand.

 

[Irishdragon]

If you think you can trust her try to make it work. If it were me I think it would be over. Flirt might lead to sex once, but not 3 times.....there is more going on with them.

 

[mikeyg]

There's always that fake tanning stuff and Berlitz language tapes. *g*

Seriously though, you won't be able to make any decisions until you talk to her and find out exactly what's going on and where you stand.

The irony here is that she sees him when she goes out to a tanning salon.

 

[Nora]

The irony here is that she sees him when she goes out to a tanning salon.

*wince* ouch. sorry!! *g*

You could always start leaving ACS pamphlets around about the dangers of skin cancer?

 

[Northern Lights]

18 years, huh? That's one hell of an investment you two have. I've been in your shoes. You hit the nail on the head when you said "Trust". Let me tell you that the kind of trust you had before she started screwing around will never return. But can you live with that?

I suggest you do a lot of mental what-ifs and think long and hard about what actions you are willing to take. We worked through our problems, but it's been rough. You'll probably get over the anger, but there's always the loss of trust that will nag at you.

Another suggestion - marriage counseling. If she's not willing to put forth the effort of counseling, she probably doesn't have what it takes to get through the tough times ahead for you two.

Good luck in whatever happens.

 

[April]

You'd better talk to her. Tell her about the cell phone bill. Find out if she still wants the marriage. You won't know anything until you talk to her. Simple, but heart wrenching nonetheless. And for petes sake, she shouldn't be going to the tanning salon where he works!!

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Talk to her. You really won't know what's happening until you do, and making assumptions could be really dangerous here. What if she ended the affair, but is having trouble getting rid of him, and thus, recent calls. Not extremely likely, but possible. No matter what she says the current situation is, I strongly recommend that you and she get marital counseling, starting right away, before the situation can go further downhill.

I'm really sorry that this has happened.

I'm with Yogi on this one.....

But also consider that you where away for a year and you had discussed having sex with another person before you went away. I know it was if you were there. But in her head after a year it sounded maybe like yes to sex.

 

[mikeyg]

You'd better talk to her. Tell her about the cell phone bill. Find out if she still wants the marriage. You won't know anything until you talk to her. Simple, but heart wrenching nonetheless. And for petes sake, she shouldn't be going to the tanning salon where he works!!

No, he dosn't work at the tanning salon, she sees him when she goes out to the tanning salon. I'm not sure if they meet there or she goes to his apartment or if they even see eachother. But one day there was seven calls to his cell phone and one return call from him, I'm sure they met that day.

 

[christcat69]

I'm so sorry Mikey

I understand that you love this woman but listen man, she broke your trust. You went out of your way to give her independence but she took advantage of that. I think you know that this will always be there , in your heart. The question is are you going to play the martyr and live with her pain?

 

[mikeyg]

Re: I'm so sorry Mikey

I understand that you love this woman but listen man, she broke your trust. You went out of your way to give her independence but she took advantage of that. I think you know that this will always be there , in your heart. The question is are you going to play the martyr and live with her pain?

I haven't said anything to her yet. I was thinking over an open marrage, she can still have him and I'll find a woman to play with. It's just a thought.

 

[mikeyg]

In case anyone was interested in an update...

My wife and I talked about the phone bill. Yes, they had been seeing eachother, yes they've had sex twice since I've returned in the past six months. The last time was two weeks ago.

I got upset, we argued, we talked, we argued, we talked. We both don't want a divorce, she said she wanted to separate before we got a divorce. I thought that was going to be it.

Then she brought up the sex thing. This whole thing started because we wanted to have a threesome. I told her I didn't want her having sex with another man unless I particapated.

The bottom line is we're going to try an open marriage, she dosn't have a green light to fuck him. We may try a threesome. But I can see another woman. I want to envolve her with another woman and I know she wants that too.

I'll keep you posted. Do I have any takers (women) for a threesome?

Mikey