[Advise wanted] Mentally coping for beginner dom

[throw_away_dom_acc]

Hello. This is the first time I visit these forums, and I'm doing so because I feel I need help from more experienced people in the scene, in order to mentally cope with starting a dom/sub relation.

I'm a young male, who has recently started dating the girl I believe is the love of my life. We are very passionate about each other, and we are the stereotypical obnoxiously cute couple. That's how we both are, very romantic and very dedicated to each other. We both also have a BDSM fantasy. While I'm comfortable being both a sub and a dom, she is mostly just a sub. We both have 0 experience, although I have read more about the topic than she has.

Something to make our relationship even more complicated is that we are currently only long distance. We will see each other relatively frequently, but the relation is still very new. We have not had any sort of BDSM encounter, we have tip toed around the topic through chat, and more recently I've tried taking the lead and giving her the rule she is not allowed to touch herself until we are together. She seems enthusiast and has confessed to breaking the rule, to which I've promised a punishment. That's as far as we've gone, besides the dirty talk associated with it.

I have planned a scene that I think we'd both enjoy but I'm having trouble thinking how our relation could change and how it could go wrong. This is just a 'turn on' for me, and I wouldn't want to change how I see her at all, nor would I want her to change how she sees me which is something I fear would happen. I don't think I want to be her master outside of the sexual encounters, and I don't want to "train" her (*), as I fear these things would ingrain those feelings in both our minds even further. Even worse, we both like the traditional gender roles, where I as the man take the role of provider and decision making, which just adds more to my fear.

How do I cope mentally with this, and how do I make sure this doesn't become more than just sexual ? I have thought about us switching roles, which she has agreed she could do, but it wouldn't happen very often. Thinking about all of this is already making me feel more distant from her and I hate that.

(*) On a side note, most of the beginner guides I can find online are about "training" the sub. If someone could point me to articles that are merely focused on the sexual aspect I would appreciate it. I don't want to punish her in order to train her, only for the sexual aspect of it.

TL;DR: Very loving and serious relationship. Starting BDSM as the dom. Both of us have 0 experience. How do I make sure this stays just a sexual thing so that we don't lose track of who we are and how we feel for each other ?

 

[MeekMe]

Power exchange can enhance a relationship if you're both inclined to it. If you want bedroom only then just have an honest conversation and talk about the expectations you both have. If you're worried about this changing how you will see each other, I think you should examine why you think that is. Many of us here do power exchange within a healthy and loving relationship.

As for the rule you have given her, is that a realistic rule that would enhance your relationship? How long in between you being together is that? For some not being able to have orgasms can backfire. I'm one of those that it doesn't help because I just lose interest and my libido comepletely drops off. Also, is this punishment for correction or punishment for fun?

When it comes to "training" realize that is usually just a kink and some people use that as a means of getting off and is not a necessary component in power exchange. For others "training" doesn't exist and instead they prefer just the plain old dating and getting to know one another.

One more thing is that power exchange doesn't have to happen with kinky sex. You can enjoy it without either of you having to give up control to the other. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Tailor your relationship to meet both of your needs.

Here's an older thread with some shared experiences: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1123391

Maybe give it a read through and see if there's anything that appeals to you. Take what you want and leave the rest.

 

[SissySalina]

sissy has been lucky in finding a bff , wife and dom all in one. The biggest thing in this relationship is TRUST. It did not happen overnight, but it turned out great. One of the best principals of trust is conversation, talk to each other, explore and get to really know each other and the rest will come.
When you discuss the life you want there is a need to agree on basic understandings.
If you fear the relationship changing then express this to her and both of you discuss it.
The word training would be more used with a slave or someone that needs to be guided to do something they do not wish to do, and this is probably not what you want. As a dom you need to guide her to what you wish and she needs to be directed to what you want.

Hope this helps.

 

[throw_away_dom_acc]

Thank you for the responses. I have given more thought to the topic and I feel more comfortable, yet still a bit unsure. I think I have pinpointed two reasons for the way I felt and my fears.

First of which is that we are long distance, which leads to poor communication. It's true that we should have discussed this, but both of us want to discuss it only in person when we meet again next week. This, coupled with the fact that we severely miss each other (we have agreed that we need to speed up the process of moving in together, we are not cut out for long distance) leads to a lot of overthinking which leads to my problems.

The second is that I never really thought where I stood on the whole topic. BDSM was always just a fetish for me to watch online, and in that world I can find enjoyment in the most extreme sides of the spectrum. What I've come to realize is that in real life much of that appeal is gone. It doesn't help that most guides or blogs found online are focused on a much more "hardcore" side of BDSM. To me, a 24/7 D/s relationship is far and away beyond what I can enjoy. I believed, since I found it sexy in porn, or even reading about it in random blogs, that I would find it sexy in reality, but it is the complete opposite.

So I've gone ahead and revised the scene I had prepared to remove the aspects I had initially thought were needed. I've removed the notion of rules. There are still "rules" per say, but they are not mentioned as such, more like normal commands. I've also abolished the use of my title (master/sir/whatever) and the use of her title (slave/sub/whatever). This is because I want us to still be ourselves when playing.

I would however, like to pose another question. I am planning to use this scene without having the normal discussion before-hand, likes and dislikes, limits, etc. I know that this is ill-advised but I feel like it would be beneficial to have it after the scene, so that we both know what we like or not. I've made sure to include a bit of everything in the mildest form possible, and I know that everything I have planned is not a limit for her and, to a certain point, are things she enjoys. And of course, I will give her safewords at the start of playing. Is this still a totally bad idea ?

 

[sunshine57]

One thing that really helps is a contract... even though it can be seen has the opposite. You can make it fun and playful; argue the rules and let her make decisions of what she would want to try. There are some great ones online that you can pick and choose to form your own. That could even be your first relation: talking over the contract and what it entails.

 

[MeekMe]

You don't need a contract. It sounds like you've discussed limits so I don't see this being a bad thing. Google 'BDSM checklist' and see if that could help further you discussion. It's not just physical trauma that can take place and "BDSM" is a rather large umbrella. Check in often, use the same word and have fun. Also, don't expect everything to go smoothly. I can't tell you how many times we've had weird mishaps that we're rather funny.

 

[SalvDali]

Well you say you are skipping the discussion yet you already know there are things that arent hard limits. Sounds like you have already discussed it. For us... We dont discuss a scene before hand. She doesnt want to know whats going to happen until we are in the moment.

As for d/s creaping into your everyday life. It may or may not overlap in some regards. That depends on those involved. I was against it outside of the bedroom until my wife pointed out things I do that are pretty much the same dynamic where I ask her opinion but we both know I will be doing what I think is best. Or a few times i have put my foot down about things that were bad/unhealthy habbits. One example is my wife lacks the ability to tell her mother no. Sometimes when her mother asks her to do something that I know she does not want to do. I answer for her. I feel it is my place to protect her. The first time I did this was a bit out of anger. I could see the conflict in her eyes and I just stepped in and said no. She isnt interested in going with you. Her mom got a little shitty but she got over it and after her parents left my wife kissed me and said thank you. It isnt all order and obey. Protecting her is my role.

I am 40 and we have been married for 14 years. All of that was vanilla untill several months ago. We were always happy, very sexual, never argued or fought then discover this side of our selves and we are even closer. We talk more about everything. I honestly believe the d/s dynamic makes for a much healthier relationship than most ever find. Communication and trust required to make it work just sets you up to succeed. As long as you keep communication open you will find what works for you.

 

[cookiecat]

Well you say you are skipping the discussion yet you already know there are things that arent hard limits. Sounds like you have already discussed it. For us... We dont discuss a scene before hand. She doesnt want to know whats going to happen until we are in the moment.

As for d/s creaping into your everyday life. It may or may not overlap in some regards. That depends on those involved. I was against it outside of the bedroom until my wife pointed out things I do that are pretty much the same dynamic where I ask her opinion but we both know I will be doing what I think is best. Or a few times i have put my foot down about things that were bad/unhealthy habbits. One example is my wife lacks the ability to tell her mother no. Sometimes when her mother asks her to do something that I know she does not want to do. I answer for her. I feel it is my place to protect her. The first time I did this was a bit out of anger. I could see the conflict in her eyes and I just stepped in and said no. She isnt interested in going with you. Her mom got a little shitty but she got over it and after her parents left my wife kissed me and said thank you. It isnt all order and obey. Protecting her is my role.

I am 40 and we have been married for 14 years. All of that was vanilla untill several months ago. We were always happy, very sexual, never argued or fought then discover this side of our selves and we are even closer. We talk more about everything. I honestly believe the d/s dynamic makes for a much healthier relationship than most ever find. Communication and trust required to make it work just sets you up to succeed. As long as you keep communication open you will find what works for you.

SalvDali - I love everything about your post! How fun for both of you. It sounds like you've done the work to make D/s successful in your every day relationship.

To the OP:

Take SalvDali's post to heart.

It's obvious you're thinking things through but overthinking does seem to be throwing you a monkey wrench! You ask if not having the discussion before hand is a bad idea? Unless you're doing something completely new that could be unsafe either physically or emotionally, why not just go with the flow? Check in with her as you go, be ready to make adjustments.

I like your attention to communication but having a conversation about what happened after you play. Hope it all goes well. Enjoy!