Advice...

[curiouslittleme]

I'm a newbie here - just discovering the joys of lit.

As everyone seems to be honest and upfront about all things sex-related, I was after some advice...

HAve been in a relationship for a number of years - happily (or so I thought)...

About a year ago, boyfriend dropped the bombshell that he'd cheated on me - several times - with different guys. He told me this when I went to give blood (as you're not allowed to give blood in the UK if you're a woman sleeping with a man who's had anal sex)...

Anyway, a lot of soul searching etc. and we're still together - which is something of a miracle.

But. I still feel incredibly betrayed. He invited strangers into our home for sex. And visited strangers - lying to me about where he was.

I want to get over this, but I still can't trust him.

I'm a pretty sexual person and I want to explore with him, but that just doesn't seem an option at the moment - hence me being on this site.

Any words of wisdom or advice?

Thanks!

 

[Filly Gal]

I'm a newbie here - just discovering the joys of lit.

As everyone seems to be honest and upfront about all things sex-related, I was after some advice...

HAve been in a relationship for a number of years - happily (or so I thought)...

About a year ago, boyfriend dropped the bombshell that he'd cheated on me - several times - with different guys. He told me this when I went to give blood (as you're not allowed to give blood in the UK if you're a woman sleeping with a man who's had anal sex)...

Anyway, a lot of soul searching etc. and we're still together - which is something of a miracle.

But. I still feel incredibly betrayed. He invited strangers into our home for sex. And visited strangers - lying to me about where he was.

I want to get over this, but I still can't trust him.

I'm a pretty sexual person and I want to explore with him, but that just doesn't seem an option at the moment - hence me being on this site.

Any words of wisdom or advice?

Thanks!

Did you get tested for hiv??

Is he still cheating on you?? Are you sure thr answer is no??

Do, you really want to die of aids due to this cheating idiot??

Are you really wanting a future with this bi-sexual, closet gay guy??

Good luck!

 

[curiouslittleme]

Did you get tested for hiv??

Is he still cheating on you?? Are you sure thr answer is no??

Do, you really want to die of aids due to this cheating idiot??

Are you really wanting a future with this bi-sexual, closet gay guy??

Good luck!

Thanks Filly Gal...

Yes, we both got tested - thankfully all clear.

I know what you mean... And he had to make a choice - me or the other men - so I want to believe we have a future together, but it's really difficult!

 

[Filly Gal]

Thanks Filly Gal...

Yes, we both got tested - thankfully all clear.

I know what you mean... And he had to make a choice - me or the other men - so I want to believe we have a future together, but it's really difficult!

Look silly girl, he likes sex with men and no ultimatum is going to stop him from seeking that out!!
What will be difficult for you to do is to move on and find a guy that wont go out seeking other guys and then coming home to you!!
Do, you really believe he has stopped having sex with other strange men, that he and his partners are always practicing safe sex!!
To much of a risk for me babe, i would be so out of there in heartbeat!!
Love is said to be blind but that does not mean it is also naive or stupid or foolish!!

 

[Bloodylance]

Hi CuriousLittleMe

Sorry to hear about this predicament you have found yourself in; good news there isn't any medical problems associated with it though.

As difficult as it is to hear, even if he isn't cheating on you right now, it does sound like he will go on and do it again. Why? Well he seems to have made his choice by doing it behind your back in the first place. The excitement of it will get to him again eventually and he'll be back on the same path.

Exploring and experimenting is great, but it has to be safe, consensual and if there is a long term partner involved, they have to know about it and approve. If not, then either you are in the wrong relationship or you are doing the wrong thing.

Just my 2p worth.

 

[youngleo]

Something to think about

Ii guess I look at it at a different point of view. If you was my girlfriend and you told me you cheated with another girl, I think that I would get hard and ask if I could watch. Just my point of view.

 

[venus_can]

Ii guess I look at it at a different point of view. If you was my girlfriend and you told me you cheated with another girl, I think that I would get hard and ask if I could watch. Just my point of view.

I guess you didn't quite get the point. CuriousLittleMe is at the risk of getting infected with HIV/AIDS, for being an innocent bystander.
If your gf cheated with another girl, then you are not at the risk of getting AIDS.

 

[simplegirl]

You two need a good long chat, maybe seveal long chats.

You're darn right to feel betrayed. He did betray you, engaged in risky behaviour, and as a result, put your life at risk also. Can you accept that? Ask him if he plans on continuing this behaviour? What if he's tempted? Is he safe? Will he be honest with you before engaging in sexual behaviour with YOU so that YOU can make an informed decision about whether or not to proceed, with or without protection? Why does he feel compelled to cheat? etc...

Bottom line is, he has to EARN your trust back. It is possible? Do you want to try? Can you accept his answers? Do you want to even risk it? After all is said and done, it IS your live and health you need to think of. And I'm sorry to say, his behaviour does not indicate any regard for your life, health and love. Is the only reason he confessed was because of blood donation? Did he have any intention to letting you know otherwise?

There is much more than HIV/AIDS at risk. There is herpes, warts, syphillis, hepatitis and a whole host of illnesses.

You cannot change his behaviour. It is up to him to do that. So knowing that, are you ready to accept it? Can you trust him to?

You still have a lot of soul searching to do. No one else can make this decision but you. But it does have to be YOUR decision, not his or anyone else's.

Good luck

 

[blueyz22]

Once a cheater..........always a cheater whether it's with a guy or a girl. Do yourself a favor and move on now. Can you ever really trust him?

 

[JamieB]

Yep

Once a cheater..........always a cheater whether it's with a guy or a girl. Do yourself a favor and move on now. Can you ever really trust him?

You can't put the genie back in the bottle, so to speak. Like it or not, sex with men is part of his lifestyle. He'll never stop. He may want to, and he may try, but in the end he'll just get sneakier. You need to decide if you can live with it AND trust that he'll at least take precautions when doing it.

Otherwise, painful as it might be, you need to move on. There will be lots of opportunities for you to be happy that don't involve him.

J

 

[TurquoiseCharm]

Without trust, there is nothing. I don't know why I doubted a guy that I absolutely adore on every level, because he sure as hell never gave me cause to believe that he would ever do me wrong, but I did. And I think that really hurt him. I am still painstakingly trying to make my way back to him, because I feel horrible about the things I said to him and I miss him more than I can say, but examine your own situation very carefully.
The man I'm talking about did nothing wrong, that is a fact.
The man you're talking about did plenty wrong.
And I agree that once a cheater... cheating is like eating potato chips: You can never have just one.
Are you prepared for that?

 

[Nicefella]

Once a cheater..........always a cheater whether it's with a guy or a girl. Do yourself a favor and move on now. Can you ever really trust him?

I don’t necessarily agree that a cheater cheats compulsively. People cheat for different reasons - some cheat because they’re compulsive cheaters and s others cheat because they are genuinely unhappy with their mates or themselves.

Perhaps it is because he enjoys men and women equally and couldn’t bring himself to tell the poster. Maybe she likes and wants to join. No reason to encourage others to terminate their relationships because of our own personal bused experiences.

That said - I think that the health concern is legitimate. Make sure you get yourself tested and ask if or some time off from him. If he goes back to the men you know and won’t tell you, he cannot stop being duplicitous.

Good luck. It’s a hard place to be. And you can’t change people. They have to want to change for themselves before others.