Advice

[NextDoorSecret]

I've been married for nearly 20 years, I need some real advice. I a m just going to put this out here and I won't be upset or offended by anything you say, but I need somewhere to say it.
A bit of background:
I haven't dated or been involved in any type of physical relationship of any kind with anyone but him since before we said I do.
I'm bi. I've always been bi, he knows that, he's never had a problem with the fact that I'm attracted to women as well. I've always been more directly attracted to individual people than a specific gender or type.
He and I are living a fairly celibate life. The last time we had sex was a year ago last month. It's not for lack of interest on my side, he has lost all sex drive. I'm dealing with that as well as I can, but I can't and don't want to live a life without physical intimacy.
I also know that I still love my husband and we are dear friends, have a history and family together and I don't want to hurt him.

I've considered cheating. The idea of being with another man feels like a complete and utter betrayal, even if he were to know.

I have zero interest in sneaking around and would never ask him to accept another man in my life, knowing that I am attracted to and have had relationships with women in the past, I've toyed with the seeing if he's open to the idea of me becoming involved with a woman, getting a girlfriend so to speak.

I have no clue as to dating habits, rules, etiquette (I sound so old there, but I am unsure how else to say it.) these days and asking my teenage children would be out of the question. LOL
I do not have any friends that would understand this to speak to them about it and they are mostly married as well and if not, have no concept of what would be involved in a same sex relationship.
When I was involved with women in the past, somehow it just happened. There was no planning, I was single, there was chemistry, BAM.

My questions:
Is this type of arrangement something that any sane individual would even ever be interested in? (from the other side perspective)
Is this taboo? Am I being selfish and insulting to consider this? To think of asking someone to be involved with me knowing this?
I'd be upfront.
I am not looking for a hookup either, I'd be looking for someone who was looking for someone to get involved with.
I'd speak with him before it ever happened and go from there, but even if that were to all pan out the way I'd like, is this fair to another woman if I am honest and forthright?
And if this becomes a possibility, I have no idea how to meet someone. Please don't suggest craigslist.
I don't think it's likely that I'm going to meet someone at PTA book night or the library and the club scene is something I wouldn't even know how to enter.

I don't know what the point of posting this thread was. Someone to talk to perhaps? Or perhaps actual advice. I'm unsure myself. Thank you for reading, I apologize if it was exceptionally wordy.

 

[bluesky496]

i dont think you are being selfish or insulting ,more that you need physical intimacy and you are feeling too comfortable with your husband and are just rubbing along together and you need to feel wanted and perhaps desired as a woman .
you are having doubts of course which explains why you havent considered a man as an outside interest and you know it would hurt your husband but think he may accept another woman but you like many of us have no idea where to look .
perhaps you could look on the internet for gay friendly bars in your home town and drop in sometimes to see how it feels and who goes to them and if you do meet someone as long as she understands your situation it is fair to have some time together .
i am not sure if any of this helps but i hope you find what you are looking for .x

 

[haurni]

Discuss the possibility of an open relationship. You have your needs and if he's not meeting them then there is a problem in your relationship. If he would feel less threatened by you only seeing women on the side, that would still work out for you (you could equally allow him to sleep with other men! ). You would still need to discuss the exact details of the arrangement - DADT or full disclosure or whatever - and how often you'd get tested for STIs and whatnot (be safe!). As for how you actually meet people, well, that's the age-old problem...

I'm in an open relationship with my gf (though neither of us has acted on it yet) in which both of us are allowed to be with other men. If one of us does, we'll see how it actually works in practice, but we're willing to at least give it a try.

 

[QuidProQuo77]

Not much help here, but...

What you're feeling is 100% valid.

Some of us require physical contact, but our partners don't share that.

Hoping for the best for you.

 

[NextDoorSecret]

Thanks. At least it's good to know that I'm not just being incredibly selfish.

 

[Husky10]

I understand your situation. I caution you to think about this though. Once you start down this path it may not be reversible. Slippery slope my friend.

 

[none2_none2]

Before you go down this path, you might want to make sure you understand what is behind his lack of sex drive. Has he really lost his drive, or has he just lost the ability to perform? Sometimes the easiest way to deal with the latter is not to approach your partner. Why approch your partner if you know you won't be able to complete the task? Thus what you may think is a low sex drive, may really be a functioning problem.

I say this because I'm in that boat. I love to fuck, but increasingly I"m dealing with functioning problems. Maybe in my case it is from being overweight with diabetes (being in my mid-50's doesn't help I suppose). I do occasionslly still get morning erections, but evern those go away about the time I get out of bed. (In the past, they would at least last until I got to the bathroom.)

The last time I took a pill (Jan 2014) (ie something like Viagra), I ended up with damage to my hearng. (I now have tinnitus.) While I still think of fucking so much of the time, what good am I to my partner if I take the pill, throw a good fuck, but then become a burden for going deaf? To be honest, my doctor hasn't been much help.

Note that I do use fingers & toys on my partner, but I know he wants the real thing. It is very frustrating for me. What is really a hoot is that there were many times earlier in our relationship that I would get out of bed and take care of my urges, then go back to bed so I could cuddle like a gentleman -- without a hidden agenda to poke him. I always wanted him to know that my love for him and desire for him to have a restful night sleep was stronger than my craving to get off inside him. I never wanted him to think I was just a selfish "pain in the butt". (We have been together 13 years as of this Labor Day weekend.)

Granted, I don't know your husband's situation, but unless he was a type of guy who had a low sex drive even when he was young, odds are there is more to this than just a lack of sex drive. A man doesn't forget how wonderful sex feels.

 

[haurni]

Yes, toys and such will work if he can't get it up and/or drugs are too expensive/have unpleasant side-effects/etc. If his sex drive is low, he may not need to get off himself, but that doesn't let him off the hook with you and he should make an effort to invest an hour or two of his time each week getting you off. If he can't be bothered to do that, I think you have a perfect right to go elsewhere, but it's still something you shouldn't do behind his back.

Does he cuddle with you even if you aren't having sex? If not, that suggests a general lack of even romantic interest, which may lead to other, less pleasant, conversations.