advice

[Beck31]

I really want to tell my wife's sister in law to bugger off. "Mary" and her hubby "James" are awful to my wife. My wife does not want me to say anything. I'm torn. Thanks in advance.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I really want to tell my wife's sister in law to bugger off. "Mary" and her hubby "James" are awful to my wife. My wife does not want me to say anything. I'm torn. Thanks in advance.

Keep your opinions to yourself and your friends. How frustrated is your wife getting hearing you bitch about her brother and his wife?

 

[Beck31]

In this situation I think me saying anything would make things worse. But I'm fecking frustrated.

 

[Que]

You KNOW that saying anything would make it worse. You are only "torn" about YOUR need to vent...which have done here...nothing wrong with expressing that frustration here where it does no harm.

I'm sure you have your answer.

 

[NiceNastyMann]

I really want to tell my wife's sister in law to bugger off. "Mary" and her hubby "James" are awful to my wife. My wife does not want me to say anything. I'm torn. Thanks in advance.

Tough one.

Your wife does not want ill will - sounds like James is the brother?

But - unrepentant asshole male here - she's your friggin wife. Someone hurts her - well...

Everyone's mileage is different.

Better to be able to look in the mirror the next morning and know you did the best you could - yah know?

 

[pplwatching]

I really want to tell my wife's sister in law to bugger off. "Mary" and her hubby "James" are awful to my wife. My wife does not want me to say anything. I'm torn. Thanks in advance.

Your wife's relationship with her brother is deeply personal, and is her relationship. I understand the urge to defend what we perceive to be the defenseless when someone is disrespectful to our lover, but in marriage we are equals. No matter how strongly we may feel about something, in the end if our spouse clearly expresses her wishes in such a personal matter then she is not defenseless. She has made her choice and and has asked you to support that choice. You are free to disagree with her choice, but it's not your choice to make. if you take matters into your own hands then you are being disloyal and disrespecting her ; Grave offenses in marriage and the exact thing that you are angered at when it comes from her brother and sister in law. She may very well resent your actions and blame you for the fallout with her brother, even though from our point of view he's the asshole. You simply can not win.

There is small consolation in taking the moral high ground, unfortunately. It will comfort your wife that you respect her enough to stand with her in her decision, but you will be biting back your anger when your instinct is to defend her. In the end your wife must feel your unfailing respect and support, and that is more important than telling her to go to hell. She will know that if she decides that she no longer wants to have a relationship with her brother and his wife that you will show her the same unwavering support.

I can't offer you anything else, unfortunately. Best to you.

 

[Essie1]

I think it's really your wife's call. If she continues to have contact with James and Mary, that's up to her. If they're being awful to her and she doesn't feel able to stand up for herself or tolerates that behaviour, she has her reasons. If you haven't already, perhaps sit down with her and try to have a conversation with her about how their behaviour towards her makes you feel, and why she puts up with it.

Supporting your wife is the best thing you can do, making her feel that she is worth more than the crap they're dishing out to her and that you're behind her 100%.

Another thing is that if James is her blood relative, you need to respect her wishes if only because of the potential ripple effect saying something could have on other family members. For example, if your wife's parents are still around, a potential rift between their children could be hard for them to deal with?

Agree with using this forum to vent your anger, or some other healthy outlet - I can highly recommend using a punching bag at a gym

 

[Doog_kuron]

I've been in a very similar situation on more than one occasion where someone I cared about was being hurt by someone who really should have been looking out for their best interests. The reasons always varied from being taken advantage, being treated like dirt or even cheating and abusing. I'd of course be very sympathetic to the ones I cared about, offering a supportive ear and offering words of advice if they wanted it. But of course, like any human being when we someone being hurt and especially those we care deeply for we get frustrated, angry and in the end we feel obligated to act.

In many cases I'd eventually strap on the silver armour and mount my white steed and march off to fight the evil dragon. And of course it tends to end badly. Much as we want and need to protect those that matter in many cases it has to be the one suffering who has to make the choice to seek change. If it's forced it merely causing more upset and trouble. It's a bitter pill to swallow but all you can do is be there for them and support them. I readily confess it annoys the hell out of me.

 

[Goldenfire]

In what way are they being shit?

 

[BiGuyfromOz]

Be who you are and

say what you feel, those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.
Easy as....

 

[BiGuyfromOz]

That is cryptic

Can anyone notice the difference?

 

[twister947]

If saying something will make you feel better, you probably shouldn't. Words to live by...

 

[silverwhisper]

beck, you knew the answer before you hit the submit button.

i'm mildly surprised there's still a question remaining in the OP.

ed

 

[FGB]

Explain to the wife that there is a difference between "Family" and "Relatives".

Her sister is acting like a Relative and letting her get away with bullshit will only make things worse.

If she starts acting like "Family" you feel she should be welcome there anytime but, you will support the wife no matter what her decision 100%.

The wife will start thinking about this and sooner or later the shit will hit the fan.

 

[L8tnIt]

I think it's really your wife's call. If she continues to have contact with James and Mary, that's up to her. If they're being awful to her and she doesn't feel able to stand up for herself or tolerates that behaviour, she has her reasons. If you haven't already, perhaps sit down with her and try to have a conversation with her about how their behaviour towards her makes you feel, and why she puts up with it.

Supporting your wife is the best thing you can do, making her feel that she is worth more than the crap they're dishing out to her and that you're behind her 100%.

Another thing is that if James is her blood relative, you need to respect her wishes if only because of the potential ripple effect saying something could have on other family members. For example, if your wife's parents are still around, a potential rift between their children could be hard for them to deal with?

Agree with using this forum to vent your anger, or some other healthy outlet - I can highly recommend using a punching bag at a gym

I can so easily sympathize. My own scenario is dangerously similar.
As for the punching bag part: I got a job at said gym, so I am paid to hit punching bags

 

[Magnificent_Robin]

I really want to tell my wife's sister in law to bugger off. "Mary" and her hubby "James" are awful to my wife. My wife does not want me to say anything. I'm torn. Thanks in advance.

Ignore them. Simple.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its always folly to get involved in the wife's family issues.

 

[Daisy_Hols]

talk to your wife first, she will go mental if you say something without talking to her!