Advice To A Novice Dominant

[ennui01]

"Advice To A Novice Dominant" is the title to an article which appears at:

http://sexuality.org/l/bdsm/domadvic.html

This web addy was forwarded to me by someone who had read my other thread (thanks again, you know who you are!), and I thought I would post it here.

After reading this article, my impression is that it very much cuts to the heart of many concerns a novice Dom/me (such as myself) has. I would recommend it to any other novice as well.

Actually, I would also recommend this to any submissive too; after all, better communication can't be a bad thing, neh?

For all of you experienced Dom/me's though, what are your impressions on this article? In your experience, how closely does the author come to describing the reality?

And, would any of you have anything to add to the articles ideas? Or is there anything you disagree with? If so, what would it be and why?

For you submissives, what are your impressions? How do you "feel" about the article, and what do you think of what it describes?

<Note: I'll be gone until next week, but I shall be very interested to read the results of this thread upon my return!>

 

[NemoAlia]

That article has some good, practical advice for what to do if you suspect you're Dominant, and you're pretty sure s/he's submissive, and you're trying to figure out how to start the ball rolling either on D/s entirely, or on a new level of D/s. It's definitely not a very broad article, but it covers what it covers pretty well.

Thanks, ennui!

 

[bunny bondage]

yeah, this article really touches on the more pragmatic aspects of bdsm, the real-life scenarios. lots of people can become so wrapped up in the fantasy of it all that they forget completly how to deal with their partner as a human being. this has some very good ways on how to open communication between the dom and sub.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have to say that it is more suited for a novice who is not sure of who they are in the lifestyle.

I have established My own ways of doing things which I find works for Me.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

I think it brings up some valuable communication techniques and reservations of submissives, but noticed that it seemed to put a Dominant into the position of serving the submissive nearly exclusively.

There was very little discussed about coming into your own dominance, but rather figuring out what a submissive wanted, needed and basically how they wished the Dominant to act.

As if the Dominant is a blank page, filled in by fulfilling the wishes of the submissive.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think it brings up some valuable communication techniques and reservations of submissives, but noticed that it seemed to put a Dominant into the position of serving the submissive nearly exclusively.

There was very little discussed about coming into your own dominance, but rather figuring out what a submissive wanted, needed and basically how they wished the Dominant to act.

As if the Dominant is a blank page, filled in by fulfilling the wishes of the submissive.

Perhaps it is more couples oriented.

I always think that if a dominant reads and studies on the lifestyle first, and talks to others who are active, by going to munches and seeing real life encounters, he or she will develop a sense of what he or she wants to achieve.

 

[lark sparrow]

Perhaps it is more couples oriented.

I always think that if a dominant reads and studies on the lifestyle first, and talks to others who are active, by going to munches and seeing real life encounters, he or she will develop a sense of what he or she wants to achieve.

Yes, that's true. It does seem to be approached differently, particularly in established couples who are just beginning to explore D/s in a previously long-standing relationship.

I did enjoy the author's insights into submissive reservations and ways of dealing with them.

I wish there more articles about domination from a Dominant's perspective, focused on their own journey. You Dominants can be pretty tight-lipped at times - retaining that Dominant mystique.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I wish there more articles about domination from a Dominant's perspective, focused on their own journey. You Dominants can be pretty tight-lipped at times - retaining that Dominant mystique.

It is a control thing. I do not talk in detail about my personal relationships in a public forum.

My discretion is one reason I gain a high degree of trust with my submissives and my lovers.


However, the submissives who are personally involved with Me know a lot about Me, because they have a need to know.

Think of it this way, do vanillas talk in depth about their personal intimate relationships with strangers? I know that there are some posters in the GB and the Playground who yammer about their so-called lives, but I do not put my business in the street.

 

[bunny bondage]

somebody said it best here once when they wrote "any idiot can hit somebody". i think this article may assume that you are a novice dom who is aware of what you want, but unsure of how to go about having a relationship with a sub. perhaps these are simply meant to be incorperated into regular dom activity. just my two cents! ^_^

 

[lark sparrow]

I see your point, Ebony. I was thinking more generalized articles about domination. While browsing the web there are a million articles about submissives and slaves. But rarely do I run across articles of the same depth and number devoted to Dominants - the focus often is on submission. Perhaps you nailed it squarely and it is the control aspect of D/s coming through, which places submission under the looking glass.

 

[Ebonyfire]

somebody said it best here once when they wrote "any idiot can hit somebody". i think this article may assume that you are a novice dom who is aware of what you want, but unsure of how to go about having a relationship with a sub. perhaps these are simply meant to be incorperated into regular dom activity. just my two cents! ^_^

Could be. but most of the dominants I know who successfully maintain relationship with one or more subs, did so after learning about the subject. The article seems to me geared toward the clueless.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Could be. but most of the dominants I know who successfully maintain relationship with one or more subs, did so after learning about the subject. The article seems to me geared toward the clueless.

I think www.castlerealm.com has better information for novice doms and subs.

 

[bunny bondage]

hey! *waggles her finger* knowing who you are and knowing how to handle a relationship are two different things! but still, i do see your point and agree that this isn't the best advice to give a dom, if given alone. cuz sure, pleasing the sub is part of it, but there's so much more that you'd need several inconviently large buildings to carry it around in.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Domination begins in the mind...if the Dominant ever forgets that, the Domination will weaken. INMH of course!

Domination begins in the mind and travels an intricate path throughout the body touching every nerve ending and emotion. Leather cuffs and steel shackles can bind the body in a stationary position for a limited amount of time but the mind can bind the heart for all of eternity. The power of a silent look out distances a voice raised in anger or disappointment. It challenges the reciprocant to internalise its subtle nuances and is a path to a deep sense of sub space. The voice dropped an octave can send shivers down the strongest spine. The touch of a single finger can convey a multitude of emotions and is provocative in the simplicity of its gesture. Often understatement makes the biggest statement in the BDSM world. Complexity at its simplest and simplicity at its most complex level takes both ends of submission and Domination on a magic carpet ride of sensuous delights of kinks and passion.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Piggybacking...

Domination begins in the mind...if the Dominant ever forgets that, the Domination will weaken. INMH of course!

Domination begins in the mind and travels an intricate path throughout the body touching every nerve ending and emotion. <snip>
The power of a silent look out distances a voice raised in anger or disappointment. <snip>

Often understatement makes the biggest statement in the BDSM world.

The mind of a focused Dominant is an awesome thing to behold. It is also tiring beyond belief.

It is so effective. I have never had to arge with my subs, and I have never had to raise my voice. YOu can speak in whispers cause they strain to hear.

 

[bunny bondage]

not to mention ENOURMOUS self-control. geez.

 

[Ebonyfire]

not to mention ENOURMOUS self-control. geez.

I would say concentration is more apt.

 

[Shadowsdream]

My first piece of sage advice is that you must follow this path for your own pleasure. Being in control does not mean that you must be abusive or destructive. It does not mean that you must dress in outlandish outfits with six-inch stiletto heels and more makeup on than a circus clown. It does not mean that you should even try to be the xxx-rated stereotype that has already turned you off to the idea of controlling your mate. You do not need to have the unrealistic figure of a fashion model nor the face of an angel. Age is not an issue any more than body type is.
Take yourself back to the basics. You are you. There must be something special about you that your partner sees every time you walk into a room, something so Powerful that he or she wants desperately to bend their knee for you. Walk over to the mirror. Take a close look at you! Can you picture a pampered Woman, adored and obeyed? Can you imagine never cooking another meal, making that loathsome bed or shopping for groceries again unless you do so for your own pleasure? Step a little closer. Look deeply into your eyes. Imagine erotic massages given to you whenever you want them, a willing submissive/slave painting your nails three times in one day if it turns you on. Being bathed by the one that adores you as you bask in a candle lit environment, in softly scented water, listening to soft sensual music. Relaxing with your favourite book while he or she vacuums under the bed in search of the elusive dust bunnies. Ah life is hard and then you die!

 

[ennui01]

Wow, thanks for all the input folks, it's very good reading & fodder for extended thinkin'. I'll touch on some of the comments made by you all, basically in order of how they were written. They will basically be from a personal perspective, not that of any generalized other.

 

[ennui01]

reply to NemoAlia's first post

I agree, the article is not very "broad" in scope, but what it covers it covers well. Personally, that's where I am at in my exploration of my Dom tendancies - I know "a lot" about the BDSM community, from some books, magazines, a lot from the Internet (including chat rooms and such as Literotica).

That is part of why I thought it was such a good article. If anyone sees or knows of any other articles that are a bit more specific regarding D/s, maybe we could compare the info from them with this one?

ennui01

 

[ennui01]

reply to Ebonyfire's first post

>I have to say that it is more suited for a novice who is not sure >of who they are in the lifestyle.

>I have established My own ways of doing things which I find >works for Me.

Well, we all have to do that, don't we? While any novice in any activity is going to have some difficulty learning & gaining experience, in an activity/lifestyle such as BDSM, there are inherent societal / cultural aspects that are going to be harder to deal with than in many other activities. I mean, it might be hard for me to pick up rock climbing, but I'm liable to have an easier time of it that if I'm trying to learn how to properly spank someone bound up in leather and rubber while dressed like a cowboy, neh? (No, that's not one of my fantasy's - in case anyone thought about asking, lol!)

Like NemoAlia stated, it does what it does well, and I think that's all it was meant to do for the reader.

ennui01

 

[ennui01]

reply to Lark Sparrow's post

>I think it brings up some valuable communication techniques >and reservations of submissives, but noticed that it seemed to >put a Dominant into the position of serving the submissive >nearly exclusively.

>As if the Dominant is a blank page, filled in by fulfilling the >wishes of the submissive.

Hmmm, I had not thought about it from that perspective. Going back to it though, I kind of agree with you. It does come across pretty strongly, that Dominant fulfillment = submissive's wish fulfillment (maybe wish fulfillment isn't quite the right term - maybe 'high maintenance desires'??).

ennui01

 

[ennui01]

reply to bunny bondage's post

>somebody said it best here once when they wrote "any idiot >can hit somebody".

Oooh, I like this. That's an excellent phrase for me to remember, thanks bunny!

>i think this article may assume that you are a novice dom who is >aware of what you want, but unsure of how to go about having >a relationship with a sub. perhaps these are simply meant to be >incorperated into regular dom activity. just my two cents! ^_^

Not sure if the author of the article assumed the readers would be Dom/me's, but it does seem to cover the unsure-ity of having a relationship with someone who is/wants to be submissive.

ennui01

 

[blue kat]

bump for a bud