Advice: Should I be upset?

[cheeryorchid]

Hello.
I haven't been on here in ages. I've been too busy playing mystery date on the internet. That hasn't worked too well but to remind me that there is a lot of different ways to say crazy when describing a potential partner.

I have this new dilemna though, and I need some advice. Can't think of the appropriate place to ask this, so I thought hey, sex question....what better place.

I had a bad break up a couple of months ago. I met this guy 5 years younger than me the day after my bad break up. He's been with me ever since. We cuddle a lot and hold each other, kiss and pet. On occassion we have sex but it is rare.
The other day he told me that he masturbates before he comes to see me. When he does this, he doesn't want to have sex. I can't get a rise out of him for nothing.
It hurts my feelings and I'm offended by it.
He says that he does it so that he will want to just cuddle with me.
But damnit I like sex! What's a girl gotta do to get a good hard fuck on a regular basis.

So, the question: should I be as mad about this as I am?

I've even told him it upsets me, and he says it's nothing personal. I ask if he atleast thinks about me when he does it and he said it was none of my business.

What should I do?

 

[Bon Bon]

Hello.
I haven't been on here in ages. I've been too busy playing mystery date on the internet. That hasn't worked too well but to remind me that there is a lot of different ways to say crazy when describing a potential partner.

I have this new dilemna though, and I need some advice. Can't think of the appropriate place to ask this, so I thought hey, sex question....what better place.

I had a bad break up a couple of months ago. I met this guy 5 years younger than me the day after my bad break up. He's been with me ever since. We cuddle a lot and hold each other, kiss and pet. On occassion we have sex but it is rare.
The other day he told me that he masturbates before he comes to see me. When he does this, he doesn't want to have sex. I can't get a rise out of him for nothing.
It hurts my feelings and I'm offended by it.
He says that he does it so that he will want to just cuddle with me.
But damnit I like sex! What's a girl gotta do to get a good hard fuck on a regular basis.

So, the question: should I be as mad about this as I am?

I've even told him it upsets me, and he says it's nothing personal. I ask if he atleast thinks about me when he does it and he said it was none of my business.

What should I do?

It would hurt my feelings.
And make me nervous; this guy is playing by rules that might never mesh with mine.

 

[kendo1]

Have sex in the morrning.
He'll wake up with an erection so you might as well make use of it.

 

[Kate.E]

He's a wanker.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hello.
I haven't been on here in ages. I've been too busy playing mystery date on the internet. That hasn't worked too well but to remind me that there is a lot of different ways to say crazy when describing a potential partner.

I have this new dilemna though, and I need some advice. Can't think of the appropriate place to ask this, so I thought hey, sex question....what better place.

I had a bad break up a couple of months ago. I met this guy 5 years younger than me the day after my bad break up. He's been with me ever since. We cuddle a lot and hold each other, kiss and pet. On occassion we have sex but it is rare.
The other day he told me that he masturbates before he comes to see me. When he does this, he doesn't want to have sex. I can't get a rise out of him for nothing.
It hurts my feelings and I'm offended by it.
He says that he does it so that he will want to just cuddle with me.
But damnit I like sex! What's a girl gotta do to get a good hard fuck on a regular basis.

So, the question: should I be as mad about this as I am?

I've even told him it upsets me, and he says it's nothing personal. I ask if he atleast thinks about me when he does it and he said it was none of my business.

What should I do?

Drop him. If you've discussed it with him and he isn't willing to make concessions in his actions, it would be a warning to me I was dealing with someone too egocentric to have a meaningful relationship with.

 

[Kate.E]

Yeah, if he was just like, cleaning the pipes, then fairy nuff.
But he doesn't want to do you so you may as well bin him and look for someone less shallow.

 

[rgraham666]

I believe the correct word for this guy is 'jerk'. 'Asshole' fits as well.

He's playing with you, setting it up so you're dependent on his say-so on when to have sex. Soon you'll be dependent on his say-so on when to get up, when to go to bed and everything in between.

Drop him. Hide his TV remote before you do.

 

[MelanieAnnJ]

Drop him, there's plenty of willing guys out there! Enjoy!

 

[Kate.E]

666, he's playing with himself.
He obviously doesn't like this woman enough to have sex with her and coming out of a relationship, maybe she hopes this one will work.
But it won't. Unless she settles for hugs and sex when he was in too much of a hurry to have a wank on the way over.

Did she need to ask strangers' opinions?

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Control issues, as in: He Doesn't Want To Lose Control With You.

And then to drag out that old stereotype about how women would rather cuddle?

LOL, if he pulled that I'd tell him to Cuddle Himself (...again) and set my vibrator to high. Either he could fall into line...or leave. At that point he's optional.

 

[fifty5]

As they already said...

This guy's into himself, not into (in any way) you.

To me, that's a no-no! Life-partner or one-night-stand, the other party ought to be important. It's simply common courtesy versus exploitation.

Don't be exploited, Cheery.

 

[LadyJeanne]

A guy who'd rather jerk off than have sex with you? What exactly is it that you see in him?

 

[SeaCat]

Hello.
I haven't been on here in ages. I've been too busy playing mystery date on the internet. That hasn't worked too well but to remind me that there is a lot of different ways to say crazy when describing a potential partner.

I have this new dilemna though, and I need some advice. Can't think of the appropriate place to ask this, so I thought hey, sex question....what better place.

I had a bad break up a couple of months ago. I met this guy 5 years younger than me the day after my bad break up. He's been with me ever since. We cuddle a lot and hold each other, kiss and pet. On occassion we have sex but it is rare.
The other day he told me that he masturbates before he comes to see me. When he does this, he doesn't want to have sex. I can't get a rise out of him for nothing.
It hurts my feelings and I'm offended by it.
He says that he does it so that he will want to just cuddle with me.
But damnit I like sex! What's a girl gotta do to get a good hard fuck on a regular basis.

So, the question: should I be as mad about this as I am?

I've even told him it upsets me, and he says it's nothing personal. I ask if he atleast thinks about me when he does it and he said it was none of my business.

What should I do?

Cheery,

I haven't been there to hear the conversations and I am in no way judging from either point of view. I do however have to ask the questions.

Have you told him you prefer to cuddle? If you have then maybe he's being nice, or thinks he's being nice. Also if he knows about the breakup maybe he doesn't want you to feel that he is pushing things.

That being said, it is quite possible he is an ass. Tell him you don't want him to jack off. Tell him that the next time you get together you want to get him hard and have him fuck you mindless. (Okay so I'm not being polite but there it is.) Tell him you want him ready as well as willing from now on. If he continues to play with himself drop the sod. He's playing you for a fool. (Yes there are plenty of guys out there who will do that, and women as well.) Sit his ass down and tell him what you think and feel. If he doesn't respond then get rid of the fool. (I won't say what I think of him if he refuses to respond, but it isn't polite.)

Cat
JK

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Is it possible he's insanely paranoid about getting you pregnant? My ex was hyper-paranoid about it and it was a big factor in the frequency of our sexual encounters until much later in the relationship.

~lucky

 

[BlackShanglan]

All right, time to throw rocks at the horse. I'll sell them to you if you want them for five dollars a shot.

I think we should be less hasty to destroy this man, about whom we know little or nothing.

Yes, it is possible that he's an insanely controlling prick. If he's shown other signs of controlling behavior - calling several times a day, insisting on dropping her off and picking her up, trying to seperate her from friends and family, discouraging her work and/or hobbies - then yes, I think that Cheeryorchid should be wary of him.

That said, imagine how much of the AH would react to a male complaining that his female date often just wanted to cuddle and didn't always want to have passionate, wild sex when he did. Would we be advising him to sit her down and tell her to fuck his brains out or he'd dump her?

I think that there are other possibilites CheeryOrchid might want to consider:

(1) Is he exhausted? What sort of hours does he work? How do they compare to the hours she works? How often is she keen for sex - once a week? Once a day? On the hour? What other issues - commute, financial problems, family commitments, job stability, sleep problems - might be sapping his energy? Is it possible that at times he simply hasn't got the energy to entertain even a lover he's quite passionate about?

(2) Is he under the impression that he's being a gentleman? It's not clear what Cheeryorchid said to him about this, or how much they have talked. It's very common for partners to be mis-matched in their sex drives, and it's quite possible that in the past, he's found that his partners wanted him to give them some space. Given that our culture tends to suggest that men are "always" and women "sometimes" in terms of sexual interest, he may be trying not to overstep the bounds of her patience. If that's the case, communication would sort this one out fairly quickly, I think.

(3) Does he, personally, actually want to cuddle? It's not an easy thing for a male to propose. Look at the reaction this one's gotten. Is it possible that he equates non-sexual intimacy more strongly with emotion, and wants to feel some of that? Consider what he does when he doesn't want sex. Does he really seem to enjoy cuddling, or is he out in the back yard playing with the barbecue? If it's choice A, he may actually crave some non-intercourse intimacy and find it easier to suggest that women like that sort of thing than to admit that he does too.

(4) Might he be experiencing erectile difficulties? Often any excuse sounds better than "I can't." It can be a painful thing to say; it can feel like a very personal and intimate sort of failing. If he is experiencing such problems, it's possible he's offering another excuse either to spare his ego or to try to alleviate some of the pressure to perform, which tends to make the problem worse.

Obviously, Cheery's in for a lengthy discussion one way or another; I'd suggest keeping those possibilities in mind. I'd also suggest giving these questions some thought:

(1) What does he do when she's eager for sex and he isn't? Does he ever attempt to please her without intercourse? Does he seem tired, apologetic, pleasant, or annoyed?
(2) What's he like when they do have sex? Eager to please? Generous? Self-focused?
(3) How does he behave in the rest of the relationship? Many of the possible issues - control, trust, emotional connection - are likely to show themselves in many other contexts.
(4) Why did he make this comment about mastubating in the first place? Was he teasing? Blushing? Responding to demands for more?

Just my considerably more than two cents. Let the rocks fly.

Shanglan

 

[Guest]

Hello.
I haven't been on here in ages. I've been too busy playing mystery date on the internet. That hasn't worked too well but to remind me that there is a lot of different ways to say crazy when describing a potential partner.

I have this new dilemna though, and I need some advice. Can't think of the appropriate place to ask this, so I thought hey, sex question....what better place.

I had a bad break up a couple of months ago. I met this guy 5 years younger than me the day after my bad break up. He's been with me ever since. We cuddle a lot and hold each other, kiss and pet. On occassion we have sex but it is rare.
The other day he told me that he masturbates before he comes to see me. When he does this, he doesn't want to have sex. I can't get a rise out of him for nothing.
It hurts my feelings and I'm offended by it.
He says that he does it so that he will want to just cuddle with me.
But damnit I like sex! What's a girl gotta do to get a good hard fuck on a regular basis.

So, the question: should I be as mad about this as I am?

I've even told him it upsets me, and he says it's nothing personal. I ask if he atleast thinks about me when he does it and he said it was none of my business.

What should I do?

That would really piss me off.... I would break up with him

 

[Boxlicker101]

First, let him know you are very unhappy about his apparent preference.

Second, even if he can't fuck, is his tongue also disabled. If he won't eat your pussy, he is either gay and stringing you along or some kind of pervert. Either way, you would be better off without him.

 

[cheeryorchid]

Thanks

Hi.
Thanks for the comments. I have this habit of not being sure if I'm justified in being pissed. I used to have a huge temper and I try so hard now to not have one that I end up getting ran over.

I guess I should pose more background eh? When I first met this guy, he wanted a relationship but I didn't. I accidently had sex with him....I was upset about break up and wanted to get over it quick. I tried the just friends thing after that. However, we always end up acting like more than friends and have sex like once a week.
Our normal routine started out as he'd come over and hold me. We'd watch tv together and sometimes he slept over. That's about it. This has been our thing for 2 months. We have talked a lot about "US" and it's going nowhere. We have ended up as "buddies."

The sex is not so good. He gives out in like 5 strokes. Hell my ex was twice his size and would fuck me so long that I couldn't move my legs later. He won't go down on me and the only way he can cum is from behind with me pressed into the bed pinned under him.

And yes as I'm typing this I'm saying to myself, what the hell am I upset about, this is obvious. He's such a sweet guy, I just keep trying to make it work someway.

The whole masturbate before he comes over was just a completely new one on me. Didn't know if this was normal and I had just never heard of it.
And yes we do talk about it. I told him tonight that I wished just once that he would walk in the door, pull me down to the floor and take me hard on the carpet, or over a chair, or on the counter, something. All he said was yes I know.
It hurts me to have to ask my partner to have sex with me. I went from a sex crazed man to this thing I have now.

And I have whipped out the vibrator in front of him. We had sex one night. He got his little 5 strokes then fell over panting in. I was so damned horny I was about to explode. I asked him to finish me. He didn't move. I took his hand and pressed it against me,...nothing. So I got my vibe out and finished myself. He got up and went in the other room.

I do have a very strong sex drive. I love sex. When I decide to open myself up to someone and have sex with them, then I go all out. I'm passionate and I like to be passionate with my partner.

Thanks guys. I needed to see it in writing. It's time to move on. I had a brilliant lover before this guy, I'll just have to go back to him.

Goodnight.

 

[English Lady]

Shanglan -I'll not throw rocks at the horsey -I was thinking exactly the same thing


Cheery, sounds like you've got a guy who's got some problems,issues probably and he sounds very much as if he's very aware that he'sadisappointment to you.

Maybe he's been a disappointment to others, and because he's been told or shown it so much, he now is a disappointment.

Maybe he's just got a lower sex drive, or he has a problem with premature ejaculation.

Basically your decision is wether you want to invest some time in him, find out what the issue/issues and begin to deal with them with him or just get out of the relationship, before it creates more issues for the guy.

No which way round Isee this canIsee the guy as an asshole. It seems like he's trying to please you, and not knowing how to, or finding himself unable to please you.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

The boy has self-confidence and failure to perform to expected standards issues. I'd reccommend spending a lot more time being brutally honest and open about the difficulties he's having if things are really good in other aspects of the relationship. I'd try to get to the bottom of such things before I cut him loose. Seems to me that it may be a golden opportunity for you to help him turn things around in the sex department. I guess it all depends on how good he feels about opening up to you about his insecurities. Either way, I hope you're able to resolve things in a manner that doesn't leave either of you more damaged than when you came in.



~lucky

 

[R. Richard]

The other day he told me that he masturbates before he comes to see me. When he does this, he doesn't want to have sex. I can't get a rise out of him for nothing.
It hurts my feelings and I'm offended by it.

What should I do?

Cheeryorchid, I must take you to task here for failing to listen properly. From your discussion, it is clear that you think he said that he jerks off before he comes to see you. It is just as clear that what he actually said is that he IS a jerk off.

Cheeryorchid, you don't need a jerk off. Nobody needs a jerk off.

JMHO.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Sometimes a man will have problems with premature ejaculation and he will try to get around it by masturbating a few hours before he will be with a woman. That way, he can perform allright when they get together but the urgency is gone and it can be a very pleasurable time for both of you. However, if he wanks just before you get together so he won't want to fuck, there is something wrong with him.

I still think he might be a gay man but maybe he is trying to change. That would explain why the only way he can fuck is with your ass under him. He might be fantasizing he is actually with a man. The fact that he won't go down on you is also an indication he might be gay. There are tens of millions of men who will eat your pussy, and with great alacrity. Probably any straight man on ths forum would volunteer. You can meet these men through the internet, or on Adult Friend Finder or other such places. You may not meet Prince Charming through such methods but you can meet plenty of boy friends who will be sex partners, if that is what you want.

Do you ever give him head? If you do, what does he think of that?

 

[Pure]

?? possible dissent

The whole masturbate before he comes over was just a completely new one on me. Didn't know if this was normal and I had just never heard of it.

This is not uncommon male 'dating' behavior, but less common in more committed arrangements. But most people lie about it. I think this thread explains why. He didn't lie, and now a dozen people are calling him a wanker and a jerk.

It is also not uncommon for there to be, in a relationship (esp. marriage), masturbation that is more satisfying (and even more frequent) than intercourse, though, when there aren't lies, it's more common to hear this from women. So I ask (not speaking of cheery's situation), should a man, on learning this, get into an angry uproar, as several posters are suggesting for the present situation? Would R Richard say to the _man_ in this situation "Nobody needs a jerkoff?" (namely the masturbating wife).


I first met this guy, he wanted a relationship but I didn't. I accidently had sex with him....I was upset about break up and wanted to get over it quick. I tried the just friends thing after that. However, we always end up acting like more than friends and have sex like once a week.
Our normal routine started out as he'd come over and hold me. We'd watch tv together and sometimes he slept over. That's about it. This has been our thing for 2 months. We have talked a lot about "US" and it's going nowhere. We have ended up as "buddies."

One issue here is that you started by wanting something short of sexual intimacy. As they say, be careful what you want, you just might get it.

Now you've changed your mind and inclinations, and he's maybe more comfortable with the 'buddy-with-slight-benefits 'thing that you wanted originally.

I agree with Lucky that the situation is worth investigating; 'performance' issues are rather tender for most people, and that's why therapists are sometimes used to help deal delicately with the issues.

I agree in large part with English Lady, that one should not assume he's an asshole, or that he doesn't care about pleasing. I disagree where she suggests the hypothesis of 'low sex drive,' since the complaint initially is something like excessive or 'inappropriate' masturbation. That fact, for me, disproves the hypothesis.

Possibly he has a low drive for sexual intercourse, or, in light of some other points about non-intercourse, you have a person with an apparently low desire for--or fear of-- sexual and sexualized intimacy. Whether talking can overcome this, talking of the sort suggested by Lucky, remains to be seen.

Given your present high dissatisfaction, and your loving for a 'sex crazed lover', I am, in the end, rather pessimistic about the sexual relationship, and in that way, agree with most posters. A great many of us do not have the time, skills, or inclination to try to help 'fix' the partner's sexual performance, so relationships [or at least the sexual side of them] end over this. Occasionally the non performer seeks, on his/her own (i.e after the breakup), some therapy for the 'next time.'

 

[English Lady]

Pure, hey, here's something new, I agree with you!

Just to clarify, when I said low sex drive I was thinking on a comment Shanglan making about the comment about his jerking off possibly being a lie to cover up for his lack of arousal around her, because if he does jerk off before meeting her, low sex drive obviously isn't a problem.

I should have made that clearer, sorry!

 

[SeaCat]

Cheery,

Okay, now I have a bit more info. Do you want my honest take on this? Dump the twit.

From what you are saying he doesn't want a sexual partner, he doesn't want an equal. He want's a tear towel. He wants a mercy fuck. (From what you have written it sounds like he only slips it to you to make you happy, not him, and he fails at that.) I know a lot of people like this and can never feel sorry for them. (Although they do feel sorry for themselves.)

Ditch the S.O.B. and find someone worthy of your attention.

Cat
JK