ADVICE: GF won't spend nights at my house
I will try to keep this as diplomatic as possible. Bullet point format for pros and cons.
Have been dating S/O for little over 3 months. Have spent nearly every night together since meeting.
I own my own home in an upscale area of San Diego.
She rents in a 1bedroom apt in a more crowded/economically depressed area of town. (El Cajon)
16 miles distance between the two homes.
My home is less than 2 miles from my work. Zero commute time from my home.
Her home is less than 2 miles from her childs daycare, school, and her employer.
I have 20-40 mins of traffic daily from her house to my work.
She has zero traffic from my home to her sons daycare/school/work.
My brother, and a room mate rent spare rooms in my home. My brothers GF stays over often.
She lives with her 4yr old son.
I do not have children of my own.
I have asked her to move in with me for several reasons. One, being the convenience of having her in a home that I own. My mortgage is fairly high and with the economy I am unwilling to sell. The home needs upgrades so utilizing it as a rental is not feasible at this time. (not to mention it will displace my brother. Both of my parents are recently deceased and he is the only close family I have. I do not wish to destroy that relationship.)
Financially, she struggles to maintain her apartment, car payment etc. She has a great job but doesn't get any help from her ex-husband. I'd like to help her save money and pay off her expenses. She has never asked me to support her though I have willingly helped her with some things.
Initially, we discussed several concessions that would need to be made in order for her to feel comfortable moving in. Her primary complaints are:
The habits of the inhabitants are not up to her standards of living. She has no issue with the structure, appliances, or retro 70's decor.
The cats urinate and defecate on the floor and my brother is not very quick about cleaning up after them. She states that the litter boxes are not cleaned on a frequent enough basis.
She complains that my brother feeds the cats on the counter after potentially have been rooting around in a litter box. She says this is not ok because we eat at that counter. I call bullshit on this one too because she used to have indoor cats and they could have jumped on the counter after having been in the litter box.
The cats occasionally vomit on the floor in obscure locations and she states that it is disgusting and unsanitary and that the cats need to go. Says that she doesn't want her son playing on carpet that the cats maybe puked on.
My brother and his GF smoke in the home. They leave dirty ashtrays on the counters and this bothers her. She has never smoked. There is an air filter in my room and you can't sense the smoke with the filter and the door closed.
She says that is hard BC the 4yr old has really high energy and it is unfair to keep him restricted to just one room.
She had a new complaint tonight, in that the room mate smokes weed in the home and she doesn't want to be around that let alone have the child around it.
She will not move in unless the cats are declawed because they shred furniture. She just spent $1000 on a sofa and won't move that in to my house with the cats because of the pet hair and the clawing issue. In all fairness she is mildly allergic to cats but has had her own and will eventually get used to them.
She ideally wants the cats gone but they are my brothers and he is emotionally attached to them. I have discussed this with my brother. He has stated Getting rid of them is not negotiable.
I have all but given up on her agreeing to live with me but I would like her to spend 2-3 nights per week at my house. I would like to be able to spend time in my home and have her and her son there too.
I love this girl but I am getting to the point that I am very angry because she refuses to spend time in my home.
I can't even get her to spend one night here any more. She used to at least spend 1 night per week.
I feel that I make all of the compromises and spend all of my money every day driving to see her. I have to fight traffic daily.
She says that combined with the aforementioned she cannot add to her expenses because she drives an F150 and cannot afford the gas.
She feels that I am being unreasonable by expecting her to put her standard of living aside and overlook the habits and living conditions presented by the other residents in my home. She says I only have to accept her habits and her sons but I expect her to accept 4 others habits. I am only asking she do this 1-3 nights per week.
Her home is messy with toys and laundry and it is very crowded as she uses the living room as a bedroom for her son.
She also states that she was displaced so many times during a very contentious divorce and custody battle that she is scared and reluctant to give up her stability for the unknown.
She has recently accused me of letting my brother walk all over me by not cleaning up after the cats and smoking in the home. I feel like she is walking all over me as well by expecting me to always come to her.
I told her that I am willing to clean up after the cats and clean up some of the extra clutter and stuff around the house but have to be there to do it. She says its ok to spend a few nights apart, but I don't want to do that. I enjoy being with her and her son.
I feel like I would have to get rid of everything that is beneath her (like my furniture that the cats have tore up) just to have her in my home.
My question is this:
Am I unreasonable in my expectation that she spend at least one night per week at my home? I would like to spend time in my own space, that I pay so much in to.
I feel like she is rejecting me by rejecting my home.
I will try to keep this as diplomatic as possible. Bullet point format for pros and cons.
Have been dating S/O for little over 3 months. Have spent nearly every night together since meeting.
I own my own home in an upscale area of San Diego.
She rents in a 1bedroom apt in a more crowded/economically depressed area of town. (El Cajon)
16 miles distance between the two homes.
My home is less than 2 miles from my work. Zero commute time from my home.
Her home is less than 2 miles from her childs daycare, school, and her employer.
I have 20-40 mins of traffic daily from her house to my work.
She has zero traffic from my home to her sons daycare/school/work.
My brother, and a room mate rent spare rooms in my home. My brothers GF stays over often.
She lives with her 4yr old son.
I do not have children of my own.
I have asked her to move in with me for several reasons. One, being the convenience of having her in a home that I own. My mortgage is fairly high and with the economy I am unwilling to sell. The home needs upgrades so utilizing it as a rental is not feasible at this time. (not to mention it will displace my brother. Both of my parents are recently deceased and he is the only close family I have. I do not wish to destroy that relationship.)
Financially, she struggles to maintain her apartment, car payment etc. She has a great job but doesn't get any help from her ex-husband. I'd like to help her save money and pay off her expenses. She has never asked me to support her though I have willingly helped her with some things.
Initially, we discussed several concessions that would need to be made in order for her to feel comfortable moving in. Her primary complaints are:
The habits of the inhabitants are not up to her standards of living. She has no issue with the structure, appliances, or retro 70's decor.
The cats urinate and defecate on the floor and my brother is not very quick about cleaning up after them. She states that the litter boxes are not cleaned on a frequent enough basis.
She complains that my brother feeds the cats on the counter after potentially have been rooting around in a litter box. She says this is not ok because we eat at that counter. I call bullshit on this one too because she used to have indoor cats and they could have jumped on the counter after having been in the litter box.
The cats occasionally vomit on the floor in obscure locations and she states that it is disgusting and unsanitary and that the cats need to go. Says that she doesn't want her son playing on carpet that the cats maybe puked on.
My brother and his GF smoke in the home. They leave dirty ashtrays on the counters and this bothers her. She has never smoked. There is an air filter in my room and you can't sense the smoke with the filter and the door closed.
She says that is hard BC the 4yr old has really high energy and it is unfair to keep him restricted to just one room.
She had a new complaint tonight, in that the room mate smokes weed in the home and she doesn't want to be around that let alone have the child around it.
She will not move in unless the cats are declawed because they shred furniture. She just spent $1000 on a sofa and won't move that in to my house with the cats because of the pet hair and the clawing issue. In all fairness she is mildly allergic to cats but has had her own and will eventually get used to them.
She ideally wants the cats gone but they are my brothers and he is emotionally attached to them. I have discussed this with my brother. He has stated Getting rid of them is not negotiable.
I have all but given up on her agreeing to live with me but I would like her to spend 2-3 nights per week at my house. I would like to be able to spend time in my home and have her and her son there too.
I love this girl but I am getting to the point that I am very angry because she refuses to spend time in my home.
I can't even get her to spend one night here any more. She used to at least spend 1 night per week.
I feel that I make all of the compromises and spend all of my money every day driving to see her. I have to fight traffic daily.
She says that combined with the aforementioned she cannot add to her expenses because she drives an F150 and cannot afford the gas.
She feels that I am being unreasonable by expecting her to put her standard of living aside and overlook the habits and living conditions presented by the other residents in my home. She says I only have to accept her habits and her sons but I expect her to accept 4 others habits. I am only asking she do this 1-3 nights per week.
Her home is messy with toys and laundry and it is very crowded as she uses the living room as a bedroom for her son.
She also states that she was displaced so many times during a very contentious divorce and custody battle that she is scared and reluctant to give up her stability for the unknown.
She has recently accused me of letting my brother walk all over me by not cleaning up after the cats and smoking in the home. I feel like she is walking all over me as well by expecting me to always come to her.
I told her that I am willing to clean up after the cats and clean up some of the extra clutter and stuff around the house but have to be there to do it. She says its ok to spend a few nights apart, but I don't want to do that. I enjoy being with her and her son.
I feel like I would have to get rid of everything that is beneath her (like my furniture that the cats have tore up) just to have her in my home.
My question is this:
Am I unreasonable in my expectation that she spend at least one night per week at my home? I would like to spend time in my own space, that I pay so much in to.
I feel like she is rejecting me by rejecting my home.
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