Advice please

[badoleme]

I need advice. I am new to the D/s world. I have had a Master for about four months now. Up until recently he hasn't really hurt me but two sessions ago he got pretty rough with me. He bit my breasts and left them quite bruised. You can see the bruises on my profile page. While it was happening I enjoyed it but now when I look at the marks he made, it scares me that I let things go that far. The last session we had he didn't want my shirt off (for the first time ever). Do you think he is as upset as I am over how far things went?

 

[Stella_Omega]

You will have to ask him.

Bruises are not so bad, you know. They are not harmful in of themselves-- they might signal something worse, but those bruises look like they are only skin deep to me.

And oh, fuck they DO feel good don't they?

 

[badoleme]

I certainly did enjoy it while it was happening. It just surprises me that I it was that rough. In the moment it just felt good.

 

[eastern sun]

I've had times when I was surprised by the marks that were left by some of our activities. And I've frequently wondered whether these things we do are "good for me," physically or psychologically "healthy."

And it goes both ways. He has backed off when he doesn't like the outcome in my behavior, or how it makes him feel afterwards.

My conclusion is . . . that's part of the relationship. Part of getting to know yourself and one another. Learn about your body and mind. Keep talking. And try not to do anything that will shake the trust between you so much that you can't recover.

We're in a rocky spot at the moment, but we've been together for 25 years. I have no doubt that we will find our way through our current discomfort. But you have to keep talking about what you're doing as you learn from new experiences.

Nothing is fixed and unchanging. Desires come and go. Limits come and go. If you've found someone you want to keep playing with, make sure you stay honest with each other. Don't hide behind the "roles" you're supposed to be playing.

 

[Shankara20]

You will have to ask him.

Bruises are not so bad, you know. They are not harmful in of themselves-- they might signal something worse, but those bruises look like they are only skin deep to me.

And oh, fuck they DO feel good don't they?

I remember will the fest time Ma'am, a ProDomme, asked "is it OK to mark you?" Can she leave a bruise, is what she was asking.

I came to see them as pride makes - they kept the memory alive long after the "ouch" went away.

A good bruise is a thing of beauty.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Talk about it with him, tell him how you feel, he is not going to know what you are feeling. in this type of relationship communication is essential and feedback during play. I bet that felt damn good tho!
Out of curiosity is you Master relatively new to this? Just asking if his reaction was out of surprise at the bruises.

 

[badoleme]

I've had times when I was surprised by the marks that were left by some of our activities. And I've frequently wondered whether these things we do are "good for me," physically or psychologically "healthy."

And it goes both ways. He has backed off when he doesn't like the outcome in my behavior, or how it makes him feel afterwards.

My conclusion is . . . that's part of the relationship. Part of getting to know yourself and one another. Learn about your body and mind. Keep talking. And try not to do anything that will shake the trust between you so much that you can't recover.

We're in a rocky spot at the moment, but we've been together for 25 years. I have no doubt that we will find our way through our current discomfort. But you have to keep talking about what you're doing as you learn from new experiences.

Nothing is fixed and unchanging. Desires come and go. Limits come and go. If you've found someone you want to keep playing with, make sure you stay honest with each other. Don't hide behind the "roles" you're supposed to be playing.

Thank you for your input. I will say that I have been wondering if this is healthy for me. I feel addicted to him. When we're not together I think I should leave him but the minute I hear his voice or he sends me a message I have to go to him. I told him today that I think we need to spend more time talking things over instead of jumping right into a new situation. In his defense I didn't ask him to stop. He has never continued anything after I say no.

I hope you work through your rough spot and thank you again.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Two things, one; your "addiction" is not a part of your BDSM, it's basic Human Romantic/Crush/Lust/Love. And yes, it really is a lot like addiction, but there it is. Who is gonna say no to something that lights up your life like that?

The other thing -- Congratulations on communicating with him, telling him you guys need to talk things over! If you need help figuring out how to do that, there are a lot of articles online about BDSM negotiation and ways that people have found work for them. there are also some wonderful books in print on the subject. I recommend "Screw the roses send me the thorns," "The New Topping Book" and "the new Bottoming book" and both of you should read all three.

Kink in general and D/s in particular, is more complicated than regular missionary humping. It's complicated, we set things up for it, we buy toys, it's not quite as spontaneous. And because of this, it really does reuire that you and he both be careful about communication. You cannot keep silent and hope that he reads your mind-- he should not begin some new kink on you without knowing that it's safe for you. Your physical and mental health -- both of yours-- are involved because of what you are doing.

So yeah-- talk with him, ask questions here, do some reading on the internets. If something worries you, talk about it. If you feel something might be getting unhealthy,talk about it.

 

[badoleme]

Talk about it with him, tell him how you feel, he is not going to know what you are feeling. in this type of relationship communication is essential and feedback during play. I bet that felt damn good tho!
Out of curiosity is you Master relatively new to this? Just asking if his reaction was out of surprise at the bruises.

Talk and trust seem to be what this type of relationship is based on. I do tend to be quite and go along with things and need to work on continuing to keep him aware of my feelings.

He is not new to this. After our talk today he thought I was alot further along than I really am and he is going to take things slower. I think he feels bad that he bruised me like he did, like I said I didn't tell him to stop and I don't think he realized the extent of what he was doing.

Thank you for your advice. You have all been wonderful and I am feeling much less stressed.

 

[badoleme]

Two things, one; your "addiction" is not a part of your BDSM, it's basic Human Romantic/Crush/Lust/Love. And yes, it really is a lot like addiction, but there it is. Who is gonna say no to something that lights up your life like that?

The other thing -- Congratulations on communicating with him, telling him you guys need to talk things over! If you need help figuring out how to do that, there are a lot of articles online about BDSM negotiation and ways that people have found work for them. there are also some wonderful books in print on the subject. I recommend "Screw the roses send me the thorns," "The New Topping Book" and "the new Bottoming book" and both of you should read all three.

Kink in general and D/s in particular, is more complicated than regular missionary humping. It's complicated, we set things up for it, we buy toys, it's not quite as spontaneous. And because of this, it really does reuire that you and he both be careful about communication. You cannot keep silent and hope that he reads your mind-- he should not begin some new kink on you without knowing that it's safe for you. Your physical and mental health -- both of yours-- are involved because of what you are doing.

So yeah-- talk with him, ask questions here, do some reading on the internets. If something worries you, talk about it. If you feel something might be getting unhealthy,talk about it.

I think you may be correct with the mind reading statement. I am going to work much harder at telling him my feelings. I'm also going to be doing more reading and talking to you more experienced people. This is something that six months ago had you asked me about I would have given a big no. I don't know what has changed in me and I'm struggling with those emotions along with trying to please him. I have always been a very strong and in charge person and it is difficult to admit that I want him to be in control. I know I probably sound like I am all over the place with this because I am. I do have faith though, that if I keep talking and sharing with him that he will help me grow into whatever it is that I want to be.

Thank you.

 

[amofiga]

If you have to ask how rough is rough and you start feeling badly about it or questioning it because you think it's gone too far, maybe it has. Only you and your partner know that answer, not an anonymous bulletin board.