Advice, Please! :)

[BringIt69]

Hello,

So, I've been lurking around here for a while, and finally decided to show myself. The forum seems really friendly, and I felt it might be nice to join an online community of like-minded persons.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone may be able to offer me some advice. Basically, I identify as a submissive, and I feel a strong need to serve a dominant lover. I find power exchange EXTREMELY sexy, and I've let my partner know this. We are a great couple---really, I couldn't have asked for a better partner---and while I'm the one who introduced him to bdsm and power exchange, he seems more than willing to try it and so far, he seems to enjoy it. (I mean, who wouldn't want their gf begging to serve them?)

The problem is that he doesn't seem very comfortable voicing and demanding what he wants from me. When we do any kind of extended scene, it's pretty obvious that he isn't doing what he wants to do and demanding what he wants. Instead, he spends the entire scene trying to fulfill my fantasy. What a conundrum, considering that my fantasy is to fulfill his fantasy! To make matters worse, the knowledge that I am the one in control during a scene turns me off and makes it difficult for me to take him seriously. In my mind, power exchange is primarily psychological, and if I don't perceive myself as as slave but as a 'pretend' slave, it just doesn't do it for me. I want a scene to be more than a roleplay, but as an opportunity to let my submissive side out, the side I normally keep locked away.


We are both able and willing, and our communication is great, but he still seems to find the whole thing a tad uncomfortable. He's been raised to treat girls right and I always feel like a princess with him, but I want him to feel comfortable letting go an being king for a day or two! Doms, is there anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable as a dom? Are there things your submissves do that allow your dom sides to come out more naturally? Subs, have you ever had this issue with a significant other? We would both really appreciate any advice!

 

[social_morality]

Hello,

So, I've been lurking around here for a while, and finally decided to show myself. The forum seems really friendly, and I felt it might be nice to join an online community of like-minded persons.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone may be able to offer me some advice. Basically, I identify as a submissive, and I feel a strong need to serve a dominant lover. I find power exchange EXTREMELY sexy, and I've let my partner know this. We are a great couple---really, I couldn't have asked for a better partner---and while I'm the one who introduced him to bdsm and power exchange, he seems more than willing to try it and so far, he seems to enjoy it. (I mean, who wouldn't want their gf begging to serve them?)

The problem is that he doesn't seem very comfortable voicing and demanding what he wants from me. When we do any kind of extended scene, it's pretty obvious that he isn't doing what he wants to do and demanding what he wants. Instead, he spends the entire scene trying to fulfill my fantasy. What a conundrum, considering that my fantasy is to fulfill his fantasy! To make matters worse, the knowledge that I am the one in control during a scene turns me off and makes it difficult for me to take him seriously. In my mind, power exchange is primarily psychological, and if I don't perceive myself as as slave but as a 'pretend' slave, it just doesn't do it for me. I want a scene to be more than a roleplay, but as an opportunity to let my submissive side out, the side I normally keep locked away.


We are both able and willing, and our communication is great, but he still seems to find the whole thing a tad uncomfortable. He's been raised to treat girls right and I always feel like a princess with him, but I want him to feel comfortable letting go an being king for a day or two! Doms, is there anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable as a dom? Are there things your submissves do that allow your dom sides to come out more naturally? Subs, have you ever had this issue with a significant other? We would both really appreciate any advice!

Okay, this is a normal thing for the situation. If the relationship is a healthy one and one that contains love, a dom may have problems pushing his sub. It has to do with the fact that this person is someone that you have in your heart and now the person want you to take control of them and be aggressive.

I went through this personally, my thoughts were along the lines of thinking that if I pushed to far into what I was thinking that I would push my sub/lover away or make the sub/lover resent me. The thing you need to do is sit down with him and make a list of the parts that you do not like such as your limits and also highlight how certain actions make you feel (ex. Like say that having him spank you and call you a bad girl gets you wet beyond belief).

Another thing you can do is to take an initiative as the sub of the relationship and perform as a sub for a full day. Do things like giving him a wake-up blowjob or washing him in the shower, things to show him that you are happy being a sub with him.

 

[Andy1981]

While discussing your limits with him, also come up with a "safe word". I found this great when I was introduced to the sub/dom side of things. It let me know to back off a bit if things were going where she was uncomfortable, but didn't kill the mood by going into a discussion about it at that time.

Like social morality said, let him know what really gets you going, it will give him a great starting point from where he can explore further with you.

Good luck, it's very enjoyable once you get in sync with each other

 

[BringIt69]

Thanks for all of your advice! Actually, him and I have already had a long talk on limits and we have a safeword in use; just your run-of-the-mill "red" vs. "yellow." I agree that this had helped things quite a bit.

But I am mostly asking for advice on things that I may be able to do to bring out the "dominant" mood, if that makes any sense. I know that I, personally, am extremely dominant on a day to day basis. I have a very competitive career, and my livelihood depends on my ability to completely and utterly control myself and the situations around me. And I know that MANY submissives are the same way. I know that, because of this, letting my submissive side out is sometimes really awkward. Once I let out that side of me, the feeling is great, and I am in heaven. But I can't always get to that point. However, there are things my partner does...sometimes unknowingly...that make it easier to let my submissive side out (i.e. calling me a "good girl" when he means it, lots of little kisses on the neck, just touching my body so he can enjoy it without doing much else). He does these without me asking, and it just awakens the hungry submissive in me.

I figured that at least some doms must feel a similar way, and that some doms may feel awkward letting their dominant side out when our society so strongly frowns upon dominating men in the workplace, at social functions, etc. And if that is the case, I figured some doms may find it easier to get into their more dominant mindset if their submissive helped along. So, mostly, I want to know if there is anything a submissive does that REALLY gets your dom side going, even if it doesn't necessarily turn you on. And yes, I know it varies from person to person, I am just looking for some general suggestions to guide me.

Thanks!!!

 

[CutieMouse]

If you identify as being submissive, and "feel this really strong need to serve a dominant lover", IMO - that's on you; not him. Meaning, it's not his responsibility to behave the way you think he should [as a dominant].

As the D-type, he gets to express that in whatever manner makes him most comfortable, and I would suggest that second guessing him (deciding that "it's pretty obvious that he isn't doing what he wants to do and demanding what he wants." Maybe what HE WANTS is to fulfill your fantasies, which, in turn, fulfills his.

I fail to see how his decision to enjoy your fantasies = you being in control of the "scene". I'd also point out there are plenty of men in the world who don't want a girlfriend begging to serve them; a lot of them could even self-ID as Tops or Dominants...

 

[Stella_Omega]

Someone around here suggested that you ask permission regarding the things you want him to control, and use the honorific that gets you hot-- "May I sit at your feet, daddy?" "Master, may I suck your cock?" "May I bring out the bondage rope for you?" "Have I been a good girl?"

 

[BringIt69]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Some of it was really helpful; some not so much. Mostly, I guess, because so many people here have TONS more experience than I do and seem to know exactly what they want, while as me and my partner are still fumbling a little in the dark. But we're a smart pair. We'll figure it out.

Your time and help is much appreciated.

 

[Etoile]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Some of it was really helpful; some not so much. Mostly, I guess, because so many people here have TONS more experience than I do and seem to know exactly what they want, while as me and my partner are still fumbling a little in the dark. But we're a smart pair. We'll figure it out.

Your time and help is much appreciated.

Interesting that two of the people I respect most on here are labeled not so helpful.

(No offense to the others who have responded, I just don't know you well.)

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Interesting that two of the people I respect most on here are labeled not so helpful.

(No offense to the others who have responded, I just don't know you well.)

Generally, people who don't tell you what you want to hear are not helping you in your quest to make someone do what you want.

Frealsies.

 

[eastern sun]

Thanks for all of your advice! Actually, him and I have already had a long talk on limits and we have a safeword in use; just your run-of-the-mill "red" vs. "yellow." I agree that this had helped things quite a bit.

But I am mostly asking for advice on things that I may be able to do to bring out the "dominant" mood, if that makes any sense. I know that I, personally, am extremely dominant on a day to day basis. I have a very competitive career, and my livelihood depends on my ability to completely and utterly control myself and the situations around me. And I know that MANY submissives are the same way. I know that, because of this, letting my submissive side out is sometimes really awkward. Once I let out that side of me, the feeling is great, and I am in heaven. But I can't always get to that point. However, there are things my partner does...sometimes unknowingly...that make it easier to let my submissive side out (i.e. calling me a "good girl" when he means it, lots of little kisses on the neck, just touching my body so he can enjoy it without doing much else). He does these without me asking, and it just awakens the hungry submissive in me.

I figured that at least some doms must feel a similar way, and that some doms may feel awkward letting their dominant side out when our society so strongly frowns upon dominating men in the workplace, at social functions, etc. And if that is the case, I figured some doms may find it easier to get into their more dominant mindset if their submissive helped along. So, mostly, I want to know if there is anything a submissive does that REALLY gets your dom side going, even if it doesn't necessarily turn you on. And yes, I know it varies from person to person, I am just looking for some general suggestions to guide me.

Thanks!!!

The best way you can help bring out his dominant side is to trust that he is expressing himself honestly, and do whatever you can to satisfy him.

My husband and I have engaged in lots of different sexual activities. And we've discovered over time that I like to be tied up, roughed up, and ignored, while my husband likes to lie next to me and masturbate while I talk about other guys.

There was a period when he would "act out" the leather-vested flogger-wielding dominant role in order to satisfy me, and - like you - I could feel that his heart wasn't in it.

I won't deny that I felt some disappointment, especially because I could "see in him" the dominant I wanted to interact with.

Fast forward many years . . . during which I realized I had to actually submit to him as he is. CutieMouse is dead on when she says "As the D-type, he gets to express that in whatever manner makes him most comfortable."

If it makes you feel any better, once I fully submitted to his desires, he discovered that he liked to hit me, and keep me on a very short leash, after learning about my sexual desires and experiences with other men. And lo and behold, we discovered a match made in heaven . . . .

It takes a while to figure this all out within the particulars of your own relationship. Be patient. Don't focus so much on the ways he isn't satisfying you. Be grateful that he's willing to experiment. Focus on yourself. And learn what it means to submit.

You're on your way.

 

[CurvAppeal]

Since everyone basically said along the lines of what I would say.

I'll just say that I hope everything works out for you and your man and that both of you find paradise with each other!!

 

[subwannabe]

I'm kind of in the same boat with my wife. I like to be dominated, and even though she will on occasion, I don't think she is really into it that much. Sometimes she does fairly well but I would really like her to take the ball and run with it. It does take away from the experience if you feel like you have to lead them by the hand all the time as to what to do and how to do it. That doesn't really bother me in the beginning but at some point, as I said before, I would really like her to take the ball and run with it. You say you have good communication. I really don't see how anyone can give you advice on making it easier for him. Communicate as best as you can, take him by the hand and lead him, and let him know that at some point you would like him to take the ball and run with it. Don't be afraid to tell him exactly what it is you want and how you want it and plead with him to take the reigns as soon as possible. Let him know how much you appreciate him going down the road with you.