advice please?

[Brett315]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=382930
Got 2 stars and my others had gotten 3 stars. Can you give me an idea on how to improve this story; or should I just stay away from the transsexual catagory?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Brett, Hi and welcome.

I’m confused. Except for a throwaway line about implants and breasts – which seemed irrelevant – Pearly Whites has nothing to do with Transsexual fiction. There is no wonder you are getting a low score as fans of this category are not going to find your story interesting.

I found it a confusing mish-mash of non-consent, gay stroke story with a woman appearing for no apparent reason and no attempt at plot, tension or character development. Also your writing is often difficult to follow. Take this paragraph for instance:

Jack is a tall man, with a polish accent, brown hair and grey eyes even though he's not blind at all. Barb is his sister and also is quite tall, about 5'11'' and has the same brown hair and grey eyes. I think they said they were twins. As for myself, I'm the blonde haired, blue eyed, freak in bed you hear about. The payments have given me some nice implants where needed. Brad's work took us about twenty-five minutes to complete and when Jack and I were done, we started to have some fun.

What’s the point of the polish accent and what on earth makes you associate gray irises with being blind? ‘Not blind at all’ is nonsense anyway; ‘not blind’ is correct.

Barb ‘is also’ quite tall, though does it matter and the numbers are off-putting. If she has ‘the same brown hair and grey eyes’ as her brother they must be some sort of bizarre Siamese twins.

The rest of the paragraph is just random thoughts.

I read your other two stories and thought them much better constructed. In my opinion you are getting better scores for them because they are more relevant to the category you have put them in. Category matters a lot here. For example, I think ‘Invisible’ is a good idea but Sci-Fi is usually a hetero cat and you have gone for a predominately gay story which might lose you some marks.

‘Cell mates’ is a bit rushed and lacking in plausibility. I can understand Jed’s frustration and need to fuck someone but the readiness of his new cellmate for gay sex is not developed or explained.

You need an editor and, in my opinion, should think harder about the categories you post to. Is your ‘Invisible’ protag gay, straight or bi? Even ephemerally, it is important.

Elle

 

[RaLaWrites]

Cell mates’ is a bit rushed and lacking in plausibility. I can understand Jed’s frustration and need to fuck someone but the readiness of his new cellmate for gay sex is not developed or explained.

I agree. Both stories felt rushed.

"Pearly whites" confused me. The flow of the story was particularly off-putting and from the very first line I was hesitant to carry on and read the rest.

I think taking the time to give your story SOME kind of introduction — doesn't have to be really long but just enough to let the reader fully grasp what's going on would do a world of difference.

I have had issues putting stories in the right category. Posting the story here ahead of time or asking an editor before you submit your story eliminates that problem. The category that suits your story best will likely give your story a better rating.

Noticed punctuation problems. That was me not too long ago. Again, asking for help from one of Lit's many wonderful editors proved to come in handy for me and I think you should do the same.

They're not bad at all. Just need some polishing.

 

[Brett315]

Thank you guys I've asked quite a few editors to help me, but none ever responded back

 

[starscape]

I've asked quite a few editors to help me, but none ever responded back

Have you tried posting a thread over at the Editor's Forum? You might have better luck that way, since the editors who post there are more likely to be actively accepting work.

I would definitely work some more on your story before starting a thread; I think the editors appreciate it if you can get your work as polished as possible before submitting it to them, especially since they're doing it for free and all.

If you post a request for an editor it is helpful to include the following information in your initial post: category and/or brief description of storyline, approximate number of words, and the sort of help you're looking for (e.g., proofreading, flow of story, etc.,). You might want to read a few threads in that forum just in case I missed anything.

Good luck.