Advice please.

[annie26UK]

I’ve been lurking around various BDSM message boards for a while now and feel like I could do with some advice. Until February this year I was in an on/off relationship with a guy. We had been exploring various kinks that we had for around 6 months – when I had discussed my desires with previous partners they hadn’t understood them and even if they’d tried to do things (that they had no interest in) to please me, it wasn’t the same as having someone that really gets off on it…Anyway, the ex later went on to abuse my trust on two occasions during sex (when we weren’t having a D/s session). I finished with him and have met a variety of nice guys since, but they seem to be the sort who ‘make love’ in a very gentle way rather than have passionate, animalistic sex that I’ve come to realize that I desire, at least some of the time. Part of the problem with that for me at the moment is that I think that I’ve become a bit frightened of men who aren’t the timid type who will let me control everything (Although I'm sure there are PYLs out there who are like this outside of the bedroom…).

I’ve read the usual advice that the regular posters have given to people who are new to the scene and looking, but although there is a munch that is based not too far from me, it clashes with a work commitment that I will have for at least the next few months. Likewise, a good friend of mine who is curious about kink agreed to accompany me to a night in a fetish club in a nearby city but it’s since been taken over and turned into a swingers club which isn’t what I’m looking for! I’ve been looking on a UK based site too but I’m wary of posting a personal and later finding that someone isn’t at all who they’ve claimed to be…

So… I guess my question is two parts:

1. How can I meet kink friendly men without any expectation that I will engage in any form of sex or BDSM with them unless we progress into a relationship.
2. Any advice on how I can get over my ex’s abuse of my trust and start trusting again or is it something that I’m just going to have to give (even more) time?

Thanks in advance to anyone that’s got to the end of this, it wasn’t intended to be this long when I started!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'll try answering the first part of your question. One thing which is important when posting a personal is making sure you have an idea of what you want and expect, being up front and firm about it, and not allowing someone to manipulate or force you into changing those ground rules and wants to please them. Plenty will try a variety of tricks to get you to do so, but it is up to you to be secure enough to say 'no', and if necessary move on. Get to know them to some level online or phone to get a feel for whether you wish to meet them at all. Meet publicly and don't be fooled into changing it to a play date just because they seem nice over coffee. And an important point to remember is that even if you meet someone at a munch, through a friend, in a bar etc., they can still just as easily prove disappointing in that they are not all you initially expect, believe, or hope them to be.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

So… I guess my question is two parts:

1. How can I meet kink friendly men without any expectation that I will engage in any form of sex or BDSM with them unless we progress into a relationship.
2. Any advice on how I can get over my ex’s abuse of my trust and start trusting again or is it something that I’m just going to have to give (even more) time?

Thanks in advance to anyone that’s got to the end of this, it wasn’t intended to be this long when I started!

Dating advice from the desk of a [not necessarily very good with the relationship thing] Mouse:

Figure out your boundaries, do your best to stick to them, kiss a few frogs, live life, learn lessons, and find your happiness.



You can do as Cat suggested and really know/be clear about what you're looking for (which I strongly agree with), but the reality is that everything in Life involves some degree of risk. Several years ago (first attempt at dating after my divorce) I made it quite clear to someone that I'd not be sexually/kink active without a "relationship"... it took a few months for me to feel comfortable that there was a certain degree of commitment [before spending the weekend with him]; he dumped me three days later. At the time I was really upset, but looking back on it I can kinda laugh about the whole thing... __ was my heart and soul for a long time, except for the pesky distance thing... DRD was looking like head-on relationship territory, right up until it wasn't, etc, etc... I still hold my ideals and goals [relationship/etc] close, but I suppose I'm much more pragmatic now than when I was younger, and don't necessarily get that caught up in the definition of what I have with those I hold dear.

As for the trust issue - ya gotta solve that one on your own. Learn the lesson and all, but if he's an ex, why continue to give him that much power over you? Do you really want this guy who did ___ to you to get in the way of your happiness?

 

[SweetErika]

1. How can I meet kink friendly men without any expectation that I will engage in any form of sex or BDSM with them unless we progress into a relationship.

I'm on the other side of the slash, but I'm also looking for a relationship of some sort first, and have found it helpful to do public dates until I feel comfortable being alone with them (fully clothed, just talking). The ones I don't want to go any further with are very likely to push for play, even though I've made it clear it'll happen when I'm ready and on my terms. The ones with potential accept my terms and prioritize a good foundation themselves.

Like Cat and CM said, I set boundaries and stick to them. I ask LOTS of questions, listen and watch for red flags especially very carefully and trust my instincts (which have only led me astray on one occasion; those are pretty good odds). As I've met more people, I've gotten a lot better at screening out the bad apples, so even disappointments turn out to be beneficial.

2. Any advice on how I can get over my ex’s abuse of my trust and start trusting again or is it something that I’m just going to have to give (even more) time?

I think it comes down to experience, learning to trust yourself and just doing everything you can reasonably do to screen out and get away from the bad ones. When someone does something to earn/bolster your trust, file it away as evidence that some people are trustworthy. You're going to meet people who can't be trusted, and it seems like all relationships come up against trust issues of some form at one time or another. That's just part of the deal, there are a lot of people who can be trusted, and hopefully any issues you do encounter will be small.

The best we can really do is screen well, listen to our inner voices, be cognizant of red flags and not trust too much too soon. If something still goes wrong, it's helpful to try to learn from it and move on. It's about minimizing risk; it's unreasonable for us to expect ourselves to be mindreaders who never get hurt.

 

[Netzach]

Ditch on work for one night if you can. I've had SO much better luck in person and not in a club setting, but that's my mileage.

I say this because those red flag moments come through a bit clearer when you can read the whole body, I find.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Do you really want this guy who did ___ to you to get in the way of your happiness?

Quoted for truth.

Think back to the way you were and the optimism you had before you were hurt by this asshole. You have every right to that - to believe that you are worthy of love and respect, no matter how kinky you think you are. People who attach shame to their kinks are the ones who are made to feel less worthy as human beings and end up serving someone they really shouldn't.

You have a right to your silver lining and it IS out there, you just have to be a bit savvy about seeking it.

Have lengthy IM conversations with potential people and ask the same questions a few days or weeks apart to see if the answers are the same. Decide on your limits and needs and stick to them. There is more than enough time to re-evaluate things when you're in a relationship with someone you really trust, don't even try to do it while you're trawling the net for possible mates and chatting online with jumped up, arrogant cyberdoms who haven't been any closer to a pussy than an animal shelter in years. If a man has genuine respect for you, you'll get a good gut feeling that doesn't dissipate with time and further conversation.

I really wish you the best of luck and I hope you stick to your guns and find a man worthy of giving you what you want and need. Nobody gets into this scene without deep seated desires and needs, whether they are sub or dom. Don't let anyone convince you that your needs are less important. They are equally important, just very different. BDSM should ideally be a meeting of equals who choose different roles, not a weak willed doormat and a bully.

 

[YourCaptor]

Don’t be afraid to judge men.

Be picky, put them through tests, and only take what you like.

 

[Stephann]

Hi there,

I've had a good deal of success with BDSM Personals sites. The trick is, as suggested before, to talk a little with the guy before meeting. Meet in a public place when you do, and keep it 'public' for a couple dates. If a guy doesn't give you the time to re-esablish trust, he's not going to be the right guy for you anyway, whether you meet him on a site, at a munch, or in the frozen foods section.

Also, if you do use personals, take the time to do the search yourself. Look for men who have profiles that are filled out and resonate with you. Too many women sign up for a site, and spend hours sifting through the email in their in-boxes. It's very much like if a pretty girl stands at the front of a room, and says "Any man who wants to dance with me, line up!" If you pick whom you choose to initiate correspondence with, you have a much better chance of enjoying that correspondence. Men outnumber women almost 4-1 on such sites, so it really is a buyer's market.

Good luck,

Stephan

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi there,



Also, if you do use personals, take the time to do the search yourself. Look for men who have profiles that are filled out and resonate with you. Too many women sign up for a site, and spend hours sifting through the email in their in-boxes. It's very much like if a pretty girl stands at the front of a room, and says "Any man who wants to dance with me, line up!" If you pick whom you choose to initiate correspondence with, you have a much better chance of enjoying that correspondence.

Very good advice. Many submissives feel they don't have the right to approach prospective PYL's uninvited, or feel it is a sign of them being less than submissive if they do. Reality is many PYL's appreciate a pyl who has enough initiative and confidence in themselves to do so, and will respond positively even if only to encourage you to continue looking for what you seek.

Catalina

 

[annie26UK]

Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement - I really appreciate you guys taking the time to reply. I think that I will post a personal - but will take on board the idea of making it very specific (and sticking to it!)

Netzach, I would love to skip on work, and I would definitely prefer to meet someone in person, but I'll be teaching and would be mortified if I was found out - pulling a sicky and going to a munch would get me teased for ever by my colleagues if not sacked!

thanks again, A x

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Also, if you do use personals, take the time to do the search yourself. Look for men who have profiles that are filled out and resonate with you. Too many women sign up for a site, and spend hours sifting through the email in their in-boxes. It's very much like if a pretty girl stands at the front of a room, and says "Any man who wants to dance with me, line up!" If you pick whom you choose to initiate correspondence with, you have a much better chance of enjoying that correspondence. Men outnumber women almost 4-1 on such sites, so it really is a buyer's market.

This is very true. Men who post enigmatic profiles saying 'ask me and I'll tell you' always ring alarm bells with me because it's usually code for 'I will express an interest in almost anything under the sun if it will get me a hot, kinky lay.' Look for men who are confident enough to post detailed profiles and to be as sure of what they want as you are about what you want. If someone is too accommodating or plays the politician game (asks lots of questions and agrees enthusiastically with whatever you say, regardless of what he might actually think) then they're not being honest and aren't relationship material.

Once you have a finely tuned BS-O-Meter the better, more articulate and promising profiles will shine like beacons and your gut instinct about people will become almost unfailingly accurate.

 

[annie26UK]

VD (and others!) from experiences supporting a friend with regular internet dating I think that sounds like brilliant advice! I will start drafting something to post and then will seek out appropriate guys... It's very reassuring to hear people say 'just do what you want' with them - I guess if they are worthy of me then they will jump through the hoops I create for them

Best wishes, A.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement - I really appreciate you guys taking the time to reply. I think that I will post a personal - but will take on board the idea of making it very specific (and sticking to it!)

Netzach, I would love to skip on work, and I would definitely prefer to meet someone in person, but I'll be teaching and would be mortified if I was found out - pulling a sicky and going to a munch would get me teased for ever by my colleagues if not sacked!

thanks again, A x

Fair enough - then I'd follow the good advice about looking online and if nothing is panning out by the time your session is over, get out there ASAP. It might not be a bad idea to check out the fetish club, too - sometimes leaving a place with a phone number or two gives you a nice confidence/momentum push. I'd also stay open if you're looking online to the emails you will inevitably get from other subs or people not in your dating pool if your profile is smart or funny - making pervy friends is good because, well, it's good to have friends and friends tend to HAVE friends, which works well too.

 

[subbie_333]

- making pervy friends is good because, well, it's good to have friends and friends tend to HAVE friends, which works well too.

.yep.

 

[annie26UK]

I'd also stay open if you're looking online to the emails you will inevitably get from other subs or people not in your dating pool if your profile is smart or funny - making pervy friends is good because, well, it's good to have friends and friends tend to HAVE friends, which works well too.

I've been really pleasantly surprised by the girls who've PMd me (assuming they are girls!) who've offered to go to clubs etc - It's an avenue I hadn't really thought of before and one that I think would make me more secure that the guy I'm talking to isn't a complete waste of time.

Thanks again guys, A.