Advice on building intimacy

[moment533]

Hi

I've been seeing a lady near me. We get on well, both online and in person. I'm 35, she's 52.

I'm not the most confident person, and so it's taken me a little time to become more flirty in person. We've been flirty online plenty of times but it's not the norm as we just chat about all sorts not sex related.

The other night I wanted to ste it up a little, so gestured/asked her to cuddle up with me on the sofa. She kind of did but, lots of other subtle things I've had to be the initiator, the one to ask first.

The night went on long and we chatted, watched a few things, had a few (but not many) drinks. Drove her home late. I went to get out the car as I planned to give her a hug and a kiss, as we haven't kissed before. She asked why I'm getting out the car. I said, for a hug.
We hugged and I kissed her brifly on the lips.

I spoke to her about it the next day in the afternoon and just expressed how I feel, and she responded that she saw it differently, that she liked my advances, but I said that she didn't seem to as there's been very little intimacy initiated from her side.

I have been with only a few women in the past, but the ones I've liked made me feel so different, much more wanted and they've often initiated in more equal fashion, of intimacy - such as hugs, cuddling etc.

I know a guy is meant to take the lead, role, but I need more balance - two to tango.

Happy to hear others opinions.

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

You need to be more confident. She might need you to initiate things, but could be put off if you keep asking her how things are going. You should feel chemistry...it should be two-sided. I've never had the issues you describe because I very rarely did the chasing.

 

[Saint_Ann]

Hi

I've been seeing a lady near me. We get on well, both online and in person. I'm 35, she's 52.

I'm not the most confident person, and so it's taken me a little time to become more flirty in person. We've been flirty online plenty of times but it's not the norm as we just chat about all sorts not sex related.

The other night I wanted to ste it up a little, so gestured/asked her to cuddle up with me on the sofa. She kind of did but, lots of other subtle things I've had to be the initiator, the one to ask first.

The night went on long and we chatted, watched a few things, had a few (but not many) drinks. Drove her home late. I went to get out the car as I planned to give her a hug and a kiss, as we haven't kissed before. She asked why I'm getting out the car. I said, for a hug.
We hugged and I kissed her brifly on the lips.

I spoke to her about it the next day in the afternoon and just expressed how I feel, and she responded that she saw it differently, that she liked my advances, but I said that she didn't seem to as there's been very little intimacy initiated from her side.

I have been with only a few women in the past, but the ones I've liked made me feel so different, much more wanted and they've often initiated in more equal fashion, of intimacy - such as hugs, cuddling etc.

I know a guy is meant to take the lead, role, but I need more balance - two to tango.

Happy to hear others opinions.

Sounds like she not into you.

 

[eomerson]

That is very possible.

 

[moment533]

That is very possible.

She quickly said no when this was suggested.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

that she liked my advances, but I said that she didn't seem to as there's been very little intimacy initiated from her side.

What was her response to this?
Communication is key but it looks like you already know that, which is great.

I have been with only a few women in the past, but the ones I've liked made me feel so different, much more wanted and they've often initiated in more equal fashion, of intimacy - such as hugs, cuddling etc.

I know a guy is meant to take the lead, role, but I need more balance - two to tango.

I honestly don't see why you can't just explain this part to her. You don't know what you don't know & she may genuinely be oblivious to how she's not making you feel wanted.

I agree with you about taking the lead. It's certainly not mandatory. But it is my personal preference. With that though, I do have my part to play as well. And she's not seeming to recognize that.

Honestly, what's the worst that could happen from giving her the same open dialogue you're giving us? She could call it quits? Well, good for you for learning her true lack of character before things go too far, in that case.

Feel free to PM me if you want. Lol, not that I'm a love guru. But I'd like to hear how things progress, only if you'd like.

 

[moment533]

Thanks. I am in current dialogue with her. I chatted to her about it at length about how I felt etc. I am taking some time to think things through though today before saying any more.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Thanks. I am in current dialogue with her. I chatted to her about it at length about how I felt etc. I am taking some time to think things through though today before saying any more.

Awww, okay. You mean before saying more to her or us?
I hope things work out as they should, either way .

 

[moment533]

Awww, okay. You mean before saying more to her or us?
I hope things work out as they should, either way .

I told her that I didn't want to say anything in haste early on and preferred time to reflect as didn't want to say something i didn't mean. We have chatted a lot though yesterday, but yeah, I think both of us just have very different views of how we both go about intimacy etc. I felt guilty about the things I did (wanting/initiating a hug, kissing goodbye etc) because I didn't feel she initated anything and it felt one sided, so I felt like I was forcing things and I hate the idea of anything like that (forcing, rape etc).

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

I told her that I didn't want to say anything in haste early on and preferred time to reflect as didn't want to say something i didn't mean. We have chatted a lot though yesterday, but yeah, I think both of us just have very different views of how we both go about intimacy etc. I felt guilty about the things I did (wanting/initiating a hug, kissing goodbye etc) because I didn't feel she initated anything and it felt one sided, so I felt like I was forcing things and I hate the idea of anything like that (forcing, rape etc).

Oh, please don't feel guilty. Trust me, what you described doesn't sound forced at all. It sounds like a man who genuinely thought feelings were reciprocated & thus, after waiting, you made a move. A soft, gentle move.
Furthermore, you've made sure communication has been open & you discussed how she felt after.
You're A okay in my book. No harm, no foul.

 

[JohnnySavage]

Buy her flowers. Chicks dig that.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

I’m a tad late to this party…but I’ll throw my couple cents worth in anyway.

Just kiss her already! You’ll find out Lickity-split if she’s into you or not. If you lean in and she leans back…you have your answer.
If you lean in and she reciprocates…with passion hopefully…you have your answer.

You’re not raping her, you’re not forcing yourself. If you’re not comfortable then just ask her if you can kiss her. It’s that simple.

Oh, yeah, what Johnny said…buy her some flowers.

 

[Noor]

Hi

I've been seeing a lady near me. We get on well, both online and in person. I'm 35, she's 52.

I'm not the most confident person, and so it's taken me a little time to become more flirty in person. We've been flirty online plenty of times but it's not the norm as we just chat about all sorts not sex related.

The other night I wanted to ste it up a little, so gestured/asked her to cuddle up with me on the sofa. She kind of did but, lots of other subtle things I've had to be the initiator, the one to ask first.

The night went on long and we chatted, watched a few things, had a few (but not many) drinks. Drove her home late. I went to get out the car as I planned to give her a hug and a kiss, as we haven't kissed before. She asked why I'm getting out the car. I said, for a hug.
We hugged and I kissed her brifly on the lips.

I spoke to her about it the next day in the afternoon and just expressed how I feel, and she responded that she saw it differently, that she liked my advances, but I said that she didn't seem to as there's been very little intimacy initiated from her side.

I have been with only a few women in the past, but the ones I've liked made me feel so different, much more wanted and they've often initiated in more equal fashion, of intimacy - such as hugs, cuddling etc.

I know a guy is meant to take the lead, role, but I need more balance - two to tango.

Happy to hear others opinions.

I'm female, and I'm an initiator, and I always have been. I don't do much subtle, I would dead on ask.
If I am uncomfortable in the situation, I may wait to see what the other person is up to. This is safety.
A lot of guys are super threaten by women who initiate esp those in her generation.
She is older like me, we are jaded. we have put up with a lot of crap from guys over the years. Most women have been harassed, stalked or sexually abused. from our point of view, our lives are a constant tightrope of safety. She's not going to be like younger women who might still think they are immortal.
BY the way you are getting out to walk her to the door if you drive her home and make sure she gets safely inside, a hug and a kiss maybe ...
If you'd like her to initiate more just talk to her about it. Signal your turns.Talk to her directly. Maybe she is totally passive, ask her. Then decide if you want to stay around.
You can't make someone into someone they aren't, you can only communicate your wants, needs and interests and ask what theirs are.
You might start by asking her to be the lead the next date.

 

[Noor]

I’m a tad late to this party…but I’ll throw my couple cents worth in anyway.

Just kiss her already! You’ll find out Lickity-split if she’s into you or not. If you lean in and she leans back…you have your answer.
If you lean in and she reciprocates…with passion hopefully…you have your answer.

You’re not raping her, you’re not forcing yourself. If you’re not comfortable then just ask her if you can kiss her. It’s that simple.

Oh, yeah, what Johnny said…buy her some flowers.

I always ask first. I asked if I can touch people, kiss them whatever. I also try to say please and thank you.

 

[Britva415]

I spoke to her about it the next day in the afternoon and just expressed how I feel, and she responded that she saw it differently, that she liked my advances, but I said that she didn't seem to as there's been very little intimacy initiated from her side.

I have been with only a few women in the past, but the ones I've liked made me feel so different, much more wanted and they've often initiated in more equal fashion, of intimacy - such as hugs, cuddling etc.

I know a guy is meant to take the lead, role, but I need more balance - two to tango.

Don't worry about what "a guy is meant" to do - that's a sterotype and it's social conditioning that you don't have to live with if it isn't who you are.

On her side, maybe it's conditioning or maybe she's a pillow princess. Maybe she was taught to be this way or maybe it's what turns her on. It doesn't really matter where it's coming from. It's what she's working with.

You can be transparent with her about what you want, how you'd like her to be if you two are going to continue getting close, but there's no guarantee at all that she'll be willing to meet you halfway. Maybe, but maybe not.

Honestly, you two sound incompatible.

I think it's a sure thing that she's being honest when she says your advances are welcome, but you're just not comfortable with it because you don't want to have to be 100% the seducer. You're so uncomfortable with it that you disbelieve her when she says this - that's not a good basis for proceeding.

You're not wrong for wanting her to be more forward, and she's not wrong for wanting the man who can take the lead and move things along. But you two clearly don't want the same thing.

If it's turning you off, then that's how it goes. Hell, maybe by now she's already turned off too that she even had to reassure her insecure boyfriend about it in the first place.

I'm not calling you insecure. I think you're perfectly secure with what you want and how you want it. That's good. That's the kind of confidence which is generally attractive. But not to everyone - to her it might look insecure to ask her to help move things along, when what she wants is to be seduced. It doesn't mean you are insecure, but it's not what she seems to be after.

I mean, give it a try, explaining what you want and how you want it. The worst that can happen is she'll tell you it's not working for her.

*thinking* No, the worst that could happen would be for her to tell you it's not working for her, and for you to pretend to be okay with being someone you're not, and trying to be that "confident" initiator type who turns her on. "Confident" is in quotes there because you wouldn't really be confident about it. You're truly confident when you stick to your guns about your preferences. Fake confidence will be exposed.