Advice on a semi-abandoned idea

SuperShyGuy

Shy does not mean weak
Joined
Jan 17, 2003
Posts
3,963
Okay I realize I'm mot the greatest writer in the world but I'm wondering if this is worth finishing or not. I'll post what I have written and wait for some feedback. I really haven't touched this in about a month because I'm not sure I'm much of a writer. Is this worth finishing or should I just forget it? The "main" part of the story would contain goup action, the part I've finished contains a lesbian scene.

Don't pull punches.
;)


The Bet

“No Way”, Ashley gasped, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

With a devious smile Heather said, “Come on, Ashley, why not?”

“Because it’s crazy, that’s why.” Ashley couldn’t believe what Heather had just proposed. Ashley and Heather had been best friends for years, since Grade six in fact, and had always never been afraid to discuss personal matters with each other. Once out of high school both had become more adventurous and they had occasionally made bets about who could get more guys to give them a phone number in a night or who could get more men to dance with them at a club. But never anything as extreme as what Heather had just proposed.

Ashley was always the shyer one of the pair, while Heather was always far more adventurous. But Heather seemed to always know just what to say and in truth Ashley could be pretty adventurous herself, once she worked up the nerve. Ashley was petite, standing just five feet three inches tall, and she couldn’t have weighed over 110 pounds on her worst day. She had shoulder length light brown hair, green eyes, and thin lips. She also had a small chest, but her breasts were still quite lovely. Heather was just the opposite, standing 5 feet 9 inches tall with (dyed) blond hair that had some natural wave to it, blue eyes, and full, pouting lips and a truly magnificent 36c chest. They were both now twenty-two and in college, sharing an apartment. Between the two of them any man would surely find something to like, and they both enjoyed using their feminine influence over the men they encountered, although Heather seemed to enjoy it a bit more than her shyer friend. But what Heather had just proposed may have been a bit over the line for Ashley’s taste.

“Let me get this straight”, Ashley stuttered, “You want to see which one of us can get the others boyfriend into bed first?”

“That’s right. I think it would be great fun, Ashley. Lets face it, I know you’re attracted to Brad and you know that I’ve always liked John add I really feel like doing something wild. C’Mon Ash, won’t you come play with me?”

Heather had slid her hand up onto Ashley’s thigh, rubbing it up and down her left leg and had just used one of her favourite catch phrases to describe sex, and she knew that in a few minutes after a little fun Ashley would agree to take the bet. Ashley and Heather had made love to each other long before either had let a boy touch them, and although neither had ever been with another woman, they enjoyed each other very much.

Ashley squirmed on her bed in her room, their favourite hangout, and knew that Heather could probably talk her into anything she wanted. Her hand felt so good on Ashley’s thigh and as both girls had been busy with their boyfriends recently it had been a couple months since they had been together. Ashley was already starting to feel just a touch of moisture in her sex.
“Soooo, just how would we do it?” Ashley asked in that shy but willing tone of voice she had mastered long ago.

Heather moved a little closer to Ashley and kept on rubbing her leg.

“Well, I figure it wouldn’t be too difficult”, Heather said, moving her hand a little higher up her best friends’ leg, “All we really have to do is get ourselves alone with the others boyfriend and see which one cracks first.”

Ashley’s panties were staring to get a little wet now, half from the touch of her best friend, half from the thought of Brad’s cock inside her. Brad was very handsome by any standard, standing just over six feet in height and he was a muscular 215 pounds, a true stud. He had dark brown hair, brown eyes and could probably have any girl he wanted, which is exactly why Heather was so pleased to have him for herself. John was also a fairly handsome fellow at five foot ten and a toned 180 pounds with dirty blond hair and blue eyes. He had been Ashley’s boyfriend for six months now, and the two seemed a perfect fit. But it wasn’t John that was on Ashley’s mind just now, it was Heather’s hand which was now running up the inner edge of her thigh and over her slightly dampened panties.

“I don’t know, Heather”, Ashley mused in a quiet voice, clearly a bit distracted at the moment, ”are you really sure you want to try this?”

“Absolutely sure, my darling.”

Heather moved her free left hand up onto Ashley’s tiny right breast, feeling her through her blouse while rubbing her sex through the dampening fabric between her legs. Heather felt Ashley’s breast gently for a moment as she knew that is what her friend liked, then moved her full lips against Ashley’s and planted a slow, passionate kiss upon her.

“Mmmmmmmm”, Ashley moaned from the wonderful kiss. Heather really was a terrific kisser. Her tongue moved like a snake, effortlessly slithering into any corner or crevasse it desired. Her kisses were always forceful yet still quite gentle and feminine. As Heather continued to rub Ashley’s mound and breast, Ashley moved her hand to feel her friend’s substantial bosom, allowing her hands to freely venture all over the expanse of Heather’s chest. All the while, they continued their deep and passionate kiss.

Heather now broke their kiss and gave Ashley a wicked smile, then she pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it to the floor. Heather wasn’t wearing a bra, as she would often do when she felt she could get away with it. Ashley returned the smile, and quickly unbuttoned her blouse, tossing it aside. Heather quickly scooted around Ashley on her bed and unhooked her bra, all the while kissing her all over her neck. Ashley stood for a moment, just long enough to remove her skirt and damp panties, then she lay down on the bed beside her voluptuous friend. Heather quickly undid her jeans and removed her own slightly wet panties and very soon she slid one leg slowly over Ashley’s petite frame until the leg had reached across her body, then Heather moved on top of her friend, straddling her. The two resumed their kissing, allowing their hands to freely explore each other’s silky smooth skin as they had done many times before.

Heather began kissing down Ashley’s neck, softly massaging her beautiful tiny breasts, then she allowed her lips to travel further down Ashley’s frame, kissing down between her breasts, then she moved her mouth over one of her friends breasts and slowly began sucking on her hard little pink nipple.

“Oh God Heather, that’s wonderful”, Ashley moaned, running her hand through the blond hair of her friend. Her eyes were closed and she was allowing Heather to take her any way she wanted. They had made love many times and although Heather knew Ashley was quite submissive in bed Ashley knew Heather would never use her, only make love with her.

After pleasuring Ashley’s nipples for a few minutes, Heather began slowly kissing her way down Ashley’s body, fully enjoying the feel of her lips and tongue moving over the creamy skin of Ashley’s stomach. Heather moved her lips over to Ashley’s hip and kissed and nibbled her way down her friend’s leg all the way to the knee, then she switched over to the other leg and kissed her way back up until she was back where she started, just below Ashley’s navel. All the while Ashley gently moaned in pleasure, a beautiful lazy smile across her face. She loved being taken by Heather this way.

They both knew what came next and in truth neither of them could wait: Ashley, feeling a burning deep inside her to be taken, and Heather enjoying every second of taking Ashley into her arms once more. Their time apart as lovers had only made the feelings more intense now that they were together again. Heather ran her tongue through Ashley’s trimmed back pubic hair and moved her tongue just to the left of her lover’s beautiful slit. She now began to gently tease Ashley with tender little kisses all around her Sex without ever quite touching her there yet.

“Mmmmmmm, that feels so wonderful”, Ashley whispered. She would be patient. She knew Heather was well worth the wait.

Heather now gently started to lick her friend, not penetrating her yet, but certainly bringing her a great deal of pleasure. She licked very slowly up, then down again, tasting Ashley’s sweet nectar and smelling the gift of her arousal. This drew another round of moans from her friend’s lips.

“God Ashley, I can’t take it anymore, please don’t make me wait anymore!”

Heather was more than happy to oblige this request. She slid her tongue up into Ashley’s pussy and wiggled around inside of her, tasting her sweet friend as she wriggled in pleasure at the touch of her tongue. Heather than moved her tongue over Ashley’s clit and began to stroke it with quick little strokes sending waves of pleasure through Ashley’s body. Ashley’s beautiful legs were now firmly wrapped around Heather’s head as she felt Heather’s tongue bring her to a wonderful climax.

“Oh my God, Heather I’m cumming! Oh God yes that’s perfect! Unhhhh!”

Heather greedily drank the sweet nectar that flowed from her best friend’s pussy, swallowing as much of her as she could while the rest of her juices ran over her face and trickled down her neck. Ashley’s moaning continued for her friend’s sweet lips as Heather continued to gently suck Ashley’s clit. Heather now raised her face from her friend’s sex and with a hungry smile said, “Satisfied yet?”

“Oh god Heather, it feels so wonderful to be with you again. I’ve missed this.”

“So have I.”

Ashley smiled, “Your turn.”

Heather smiled a big grin and quickly flopped down beside Ashley on the bed, throwing her arms out sideways in a display of surrender with her friend. Her body was saying “do what you want with me.” And that’s just what Ashley would do.

Ashley mounted her friend and they began kissing very deeply, Ashley tasting herself on Heather’s beautiful full lips. Ashley now kissed her way past her friend’s neck and greedily took one of her perfectly large breasts into her hands and mouth, gently caressing it while not so gently sucking on the nipple. Just how Heather liked it best. Heather’s arms gently held Ashley in her bosom as she took turns sucking on one breast, then the other for several minutes. Ashley was definitely a breast girl. All the while Heather was gently moaning her approval in various wordless tones. Her moaning was one of many things that made her completely irresistible.

Ashley kissed her way past Heather’s lovely naval and down past her brown bush and kissed her very greedily right on her slit, enticing a joyous yelp from Heather. Ashley smiled a big grin. Heather’s tongue-fucking of a few minutes ago had left Ashley in no mood to play around. Without any hesitation Ashley began sliding her tongue in and out of Heather’s beautiful vagina, getting hr very, very, wet very, very, quickly. All the while Heather continued her soft yet very audible moaning. More than one lover had described it as “purring”.

Ashley now wrapped her lips firmly but gently around her lover’s clit and began sucking on it while sliding one of her tiny fingers in and out of her sex. Heather just loved Ashley’s little fingers inside her. It didn’t take long before Heather’s pussy was contracting around her best friend’s finger as Heather began to come. Just before Heather came, Ashley switched positions so now her hand was rubbing Heather’s clit and she buried her face in Heather’s slit, drinking her as she loudly moaned.

“Oh my God Ashley! Ashley! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh my baby, don’t ever stop, your tongue is the best thing ever, I swear it, OH GOD ASHLEYYYYYYY!”

After Heather had stopped writhing in pleasure, Ashley slid up her body into her friend’s waiting arms and they lay there holding each other very gently running their hands through the others’ hair. Ashley especially enjoyed cuddling and heather was certainly not one to turn down a chance either. Neither spoke for some time as they both lay there, half awake, half asleep in a beautiful haze of ecstasy. Finally after about twenty minutes it was Ashley who spoke first.

”What do I get if I win?”

“Huh? What?”

At first Heather was unsure what Ashley meant but Ashley clarified this in short order.

“The bet, Heather. The bet. If I get Brad in bed before you get John?”

“So you’ll do it then?” Heather asked excitedly.

“Sure why not? We both trust each other with everything, why not with our boyfriends?”

“Actually,” Heather mused, “I hadn’t really decided what the winner would get as a reward on top of a nice fucking,” she smiled, “Why don’t we sleep on it and talk about it a little more tomorrow?”

“Alright Heather, sounds like a good plan to me.”

The two just lay there not saying anything more for a long time, thinking about their boyfriends and about each other and how much they both loved being together this way. They pulled the sheets up over their naked figures and Ashley curled up in Heather’s arms, drifting off to sleep. Before they fell asleep, Ashley whispered, “Heather?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Heather smiled, kissed Ashley on the forehead and whispered back “I love you to, Ash.”


********



The next morning it was a ray of sunshine that awoke Ashley from her slumber. She smiled at the feeling of being cuddled up against Heather’s chest as she slowly opened her eyes and smiled. Last night had been wonderful. She felt as relaxed and satisfied as any time she could remember. She reached over and gave Heather a good kiss on the lips and Heather opened her eyes.

“Morning, Heather.”

“Mmmm, good morning, sexy.”

“You know what, Heather? I think I know what the winner of our little bet should get.”

“Oh really, what would that be?”

Ashley smiled and rolled out of bed. “First, why don’t we take a shower and have some breakfast, then we can talk about that.”

Heather wasn’t about to refuse a shower with Ashley, so she rolled out of bed right behind her and the two quickly headed for the bathroom. As she watched Ashley’s perfect little butt she was thinking that her petite friend had suddenly become a bit more adventurous than usual. She’d have to ask about that later.

Although there was no sex during their shower, it certainly was an intimate experience for both of them as they washed each other from head to toe, warm water pouring over the curves of their bodies as the room quickly fogged up. Afterward they helped towel each other off before heading to their rooms to find some clothes.

As they walked out of the steaming bathroom Ashley turned to Heather and said. “I’ll get breakfast started as soon as I’m dressed, okay?”

“Sure thing.” Heather couldn’t cook anything that didn’t involve the word “microwave” so she left all of that to Ashley.

Heather sat in her room brushing out her hair, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She knew she was a walking stereotype of the female body, blond hair, a good chest, and a decent tan to match. She sighed a little and thought about Ashley and her boyfriend John. The two were in love, no doubt about it. The truth is Heather was a little envious of her petite friend. Boys followed Heather like fruit flies, but it was timid little Ashley who had found love first. So what does that mean? Heather wondered to herself. As she drifted in her mind pondering this, she smelled coffee and eggs coming from the kitchen. Good old Ashley. What would I ever do without her?
 
Bump. I guess I should take the fact that no one is responding as a big hint...:(
 
C'mon! It's not THAT bad, is it? Christ you know you've lost the reader's interest when they don't even bother to give you a review. :confused:
 
okay I don't have time RIGHT NOW since I'm going to be really late for work (gotta be there in fifteen minutes and I'm still sitting at the computer in my panties, for christs' sake.) - this is my promise to get back to you this afternoon.

question - what advice are you looking for, exactly?
 
The story itself is well written and I enjoyed the sex scene. I also like that towards the end you start to give the character's a little more depth to their relationship.

One big pet peeve of mine though is the way you described the looks of all your characters. The way your character looks is the least important part of the story. Give a few details, but not the complete rundown. Leave part of it to the reader's imagination.

I also feel its not usually good to use measurments...It's a personal preference, but I get bored reading measurments. I'd rather be told someone was "somewhat petite" or "rather tall" than to hear they were "5ft2" or "6ft1". And I can't stand to see bra sizes. For one, they are terribly inaccurate. Depending on what style and brand of bra it is, I can wear everything between a 34B and a 38C. I prefer a generalized description "small firm breasts" or "large voluptuous breasts." Hearing numbers just sounds too scientific for me.

Just my two cents. I think the story idea is good and I would certainly like to find out how it ends.
 
Yes I agree on the point about my descriptions of characters. I already had a similar debate in the "Top 10 most hated sex storiy cliches" thread. But like I said I haven't touched this in a while. If I do finish this I would have to think about finding a different way to describe them.

I'm glad you enjoyed the sex scene. I've never written a lesbian scene before, and the group sex scene would also be a first for me. Hopefully my filthy imagination will pull through again! :)


question - what advice are you looking for, exactly?

Basically, is this worth completing in your opinion? Also if there are any big problems with the way I'm writing feel free to point them out.

Also, thanks to Chicklet for the image of her sitting at her computer in her panties. ;)
 
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