advice needed

[rorystorm]

mywife and i are married and have 3 great kids i wouldnt swap them for the world.
after our third child was born she lost her mojo, her sex drive dissapeared
we would have sex but not as regular as we once did we were at it all the time.
to get to the point, crunch time came and i told her that i needed more on the physical side of the relationship.
she knocked the wind out of my sails when she told me i should get another woman just for sex, like a fuckbuddy or something. i asked her if she was serious about this and she said she was deadly serious as she knows she has not been the wife she should be.
we talked some more about finding another woman and she would be ok as long as she got to meet her and agreed with my choice.
what should i do?
has anyone been in this situation and how did it turn out.

 

[kaithel]

I haven't been in this situation, but while it sounds like every man's dream, I'd be VERY cautious about it, even with her express permission, without being totally sure.

How is your relationship with your wife? Do you feel like she's just saying this because she doesn't care? Or do you really believe it's because she DOES care, but can't offer anything more? Is it possible that there's something going on medically with her? Have you two considered counseling? Either way, it sounds like a peculiar thing to say for most couples. I would think that solving the situation together would be the first priority...?

I'd just be very nervous about proceeding with this without really exploring why it is that she threw that out there.

Just my 2 cents tho'. Good luck!

~k

 

[Emma88_]

I think you need to make sure she really is ok with it... You need to consider how she feels, Maybe she would rather you said that you would rather work at it with her and try to find a way to make her feel good again? That's what it sounds like... If I was married and said that to my husband with no protest or without trying something else first I think I may feel a tad down!

 

[rorystorm]

all is fine with her except the sex, i feel a little uncomfortable. we have tried counselling and i have been as paitent as possible. this isnt the first time she has mentioned it.
i am all for sorting it out between ourselves but nothing seems to change whatever we try or whoever we see.

 

[Emma88_]

What about pills to help her libido? If you have sex at least once and she ends up enjoying it then she might start to think differently? Also what about the time that you actually spend alone together, Do you get much?

 

[rorystorm]

yes we get some time alone together, and we have sex on occasion, she never feels like it,
i thought it was me, i thought she didnt want me and i had a bit of a bad time with it
turns out it isnt me, weve talked and talked and talked

 

[Emma88_]

Hmm then its hard to say what the problem is! Unless she actually is maybe depressed and hiding some things from you then it's something for you to talk about how to do together, Maybe she would have ideas on how she would ike you to go about it.

 

[silverwhisper]

rory, if i were you, i'd be asking her why she's OK with things being that way for her.

ed

 

[SilkyDave]

no wife is that OK about her husband getting a fuckbuddy, there is something deeper going on here buddy..

 

[LaRocha]

She's either depressed or she's trying to challenge you, man. Take up the challenge, try to figure out a way to make her want your peen. Forget about new, random vagina, try to retake that wife vagina. Go in their sailor, get that trench dug, it'll be a war.

 

[infinity706]

I've actually been in this situation a ton of times. I've actually never had any huge issues with it, but I'm probably in the small minority. As long as you're both sure you'll be ok with it, though, I'd say go for it. Fuck buddies are a ton of fun as long as you're careful with it and honest about it. I actually have 6 fuck buddies at the moment. Of course, I've even gotten to meet a few of my fuck buddies' other fuck buddies when we did group. (Yeah, I've gone through hundereds of condoms)

 

[Berwyn]

yeah...this sems a bit...extreme. I second that there is something a lot deeper going on here.

 

[rorystorm]

thanks guys i seriously want things to improve between us and dont want to ruin everything by going elswhere as i beleieve it will only add fuel to the fire and make things a ton worse

 

[SweetErika]

If you don't believe you're both 100% okay with you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, you absolutely shouldn't do it.

If, however, you've tried everything and talked about it to death, then maybe it's something you could at least experiment with on a trial basis. For instance, perhaps you could go out on a date with or get a handjob from another woman, and see how you and your wife feel about that. If there's any discomfort, you can end it there.

You've gotten great advice here, but you might also want to consider how at least agreeing to being open to having your sexual needs met elsewhere might make your wife feel better. What if it takes the pressure off and allows her to deal with her own issues better? Of course this is something you should discuss with her.

I guess I can easily imagine myself telling my husband the same thing if I had some sort of condition that prevented me from wanting or having sex long-term. I wouldn't enter into it lightly, nor would I give him permission to do things I wasn't 100% comfortable with. I can't say if your wife is the same way, but it's one possibility you two might want to explore since she just might have similar feelings about keeping the marriage together and wanting your needs to be met.

If you haven't read it already, you may find some useful info and conversation topics in The Ethical Slut.

 

[NaomiWiz]

Is your wife 'yes means no' that type of woman? Or at times she just let u figure things out yourself just coz there were too much important chores she needed to handle? She's probably depressed and tired. A little help on her chores at home to show your love and concern, sex doesn't means everything in a marriage to her. She might have guilt of some sort. Do you put her satisfaction on 1st priority in making love?
Good luck!

~Naomi~

 

[TashanaSt]

I agree with the post on looking at her. If she has lost libido maybe she needs some medicinal help.
I personally would never say anything like that to my husband... although I have said stuff that when we explored deeper my response was.. "well I feel fine about it now, but I can't guarantee how Im going to feel about it afterwards"
Maybe that approach... how will she *really* feel after the event.

 

[rorystorm]

thanks for the great answers,

as you rightly say tashanast, how will she feel afterwards, it may make things worse.
more to the point how will i feelafterwards, yes i guess it is most mens fantasy but in reality i love my wife and dont know exactly how i would react if i went through with it.

im no sex crazed monster by anymeans, and we do have it on occasion dependant on how she feels and how hard i work at it, but now she feels that sex is not that important.

an example was i booked a trip to paris, only a weekend as we had difficulty with babysitters
anyhow we went it was to try to make her relax, we went shopping for lingerie, had a really great weekend enjoying each others company, and we had sex once which was great

but i cant afford to go to paris every weekend

 

[AliveInside]

Has she mentioned why it is that her sex drive has dropped off? If she's okay with it, I guess it's alright to go elsewhere - but if there's the possibility of rekindling the spark within your marriage I think you should do everything you can to that end first. It feels like she's withholding information. Maybe she's embarrassed or something. But I think you should talk to her and ask her every conceivable question you can come up with. At the very least you'll understand the situation a little better.

 

[subwannabe]

"she would be ok as long as she got to meet her and agreed with my choice"


I would find out what this means. What kind of person would she approve of?

 

[Primalex]

an example was i booked a trip to paris, only a weekend as we had difficulty with babysitters
anyhow we went it was to try to make her relax, we went shopping for lingerie, had a really great weekend enjoying each others company, and we had sex once which was great

If there is no problem outside the daily life, then any problem in daily life can be fixed. Of course it is difficult to make suggestions without any clue about you, your wife and your relationship.

http://www.ehow.com/how_5888648_add-romance-marriage.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_5846928_sex-wife.html

 

[irishwoody]

I think there is "more too it than meets the eye" - needs a lot more exploration of the current situation before ariving at whatever remedy you both decide is best for you as a couple. my 2c worth

 

[GYPSYKING]

Not what it seems

I definitely would see what is causing her to suggest you seek pleasure elsewhere. Many women say things to see how loyal you are. It may be that her hormones are out of balance. I would suggest you get a complete blood work that includes hormone workup.
The problem with taking her up on it is that even though she is serious about you having a fuck buddy, this situation can easily lead to you falling for the fuck buddy and start neglecting your loving wife. another possible outcome is that she will eventually resent you for not trying to dig deeper into her issue with sex and if by then you are used to your buddy, it may break up your marriage in the end.

Is it possible that she needs more foreplay due to her change in hormone balance?

I find that if my wife and I get exited when we read stories in Literotica or watch videos from www.redtube.com these videos are usually long enough to get us pretty hot and she enjoys when I play with her while we watch and usually we can't finish watching the video or we fuck while we continue to watch the video.

Let us know how things work out.

Good luck