Advice Needed

[MrHandy]

Ok heres my story, thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read it and respond.

Heres some background:
Im a 21 year old virgin. Ive kissed 2 girls in my life. One was drunken at a party and the other was this girl from my college who I met online. I talked to her for like a month straight and thought I was in love with her. I met her in real life, we fooled around for about a week and then I realized that it just wasnt for me.

I have a lot of problems meeting girls not because Im shy, but mostly because of social anxiety. I used to have a lot of self confidence problems. I lost around 50 pound about a year ago, but now im in pretty good shape and actually consider myself a fairly good looking guy. This hasnt helped my social problems any however.

Throughout my entire life Ive always been intensely in love with/infatuated with girls that I barely even knew or was friends with. I am always either totally in love with a certain girl or not interested in her at all. This has given me problems at certain times because there have been girls who were interested in me, but because I didnt see them this certain way, It didnt feel right pursuing anything with them.

So now on to my current situation:
I know this girl who is a good female friend of mine. I spend a countless amount of time talking to her and doing things with her (or for her most of the time). All because im basically infatuated with her. Shes a very flirtatious girl so all she has to do is bat her eyes at me and Ill do anything for her. All the things she does piss me off to no end, but I cant stop thinking about her. She has a boyfriend who shes supposedly going to get married to, but she likes to sleep around and it drives me absolutely insane. Id like to say the reason im so mad is because shes cheating on her boyfriend, but the real reason is that im jealous that she will screw these other guys but she wont do anything with me. But even in saying that, I realize that she isnt the type of girl who I would really want to be with anyways. None-the-less I cant stop thinking about her.

I dont know what to do. I wish I could just forget about her and fall in love with one of the few girls who actually like me, but its not working out that way.

 

[Ezzy]

Get some councilling if you can from student services, or see if there is a pastoral service in town connected to a church you know.

You may need help beyond their ability, but it will be a good place to start.

 

[dollface007]

I think you need to cut yourself off from her completely. Tell her that you're doing it and why and don't budge. It's going to be really hard, I can tell you that. Chances are that you will still be thinking about her six months from now, but that's natural and normal. She will eventually fade out of your thoughts.

You will never have the time or energy to let anyone else into your life as long as this person is around. You'll have to "replace" her with SOMETHING, so make it something positive. Throw yourself into volunteering, sports, church, music...something that you enjoy that will introduce you to new and different people.

The couseling idea above is a good one. You let her walk all over you because you don't value yourself enough to tell her "no." Love yourself first. A counselor can help you learn to do that. I'm still in the learning process myself.

 

[silverwhisper]

what ezzy & dollface said, dude. you gotta stop obsessing about her, but that isn't gonna happen until you find something else to occupy your attention. do you have a friend IRL you can talk with about this? b/c what it all sounds like is that you have fantastically low self-esteem. i say that b/c it sounds awfully darned familiar to me. :> try to address that, and a lot of what you've described will go away: promise.

ed

 

[Ricwilly]

I would agree with the comments already said, counseling and putting some distance between you and her. I think a lot have people have been in a similar position, I know I have. Putting some time and distance between me and the object of my obsession eventually gave me perspective and then I ended up saying "what was I thinking". To keep on in the relationship would just be detrimental to your mental and emotional health in my opinion.

 

[M's girl]

I used to have a lot of self confidence problems. I lost around 50 pound about a year ago, but now im in pretty good shape and actually consider myself a fairly good looking guy. This hasnt helped my social problems any however.

I know what you mean. You sound fairly confident about yourself now, which is good. Now the hard part is to put this into practice.....

You say: Throughout my entire life Ive always been intensely in love with/infatuated with girls that I barely even knew or was friends with.
.... Could this have been because it was 'safe' ?

And then you mention: Shes a very flirtatious girl so all she has to do is bat her eyes at me and Ill do anything for her.
.... and I bet she knows it!

On top of that: She has a boyfriend
.... OK. Stop right there! I can understand how you could fall in love with her anyway. Love works like that. But now you have to ask yourself if it is going to be worth the effort. It sounds like she's not going to leave him for you; now do you want to be "the other guy" if it should come to that at all?

Oh boy..... she likes to sleep around and it drives me absolutely insane. Id like to say the reason im so mad is because shes cheating on her boyfriend

.... and you're right. Also consider the fact that, if, at any time, you SHOULD win her over...., she might be fooling around on you too. Is that what you want? NO! You already answered my question:

I realize that she isnt the type of girl who I would really want to be with anyways.

.... I rest my case...

I dont know what to do. I wish I could just forget about her and fall in love with one of the few girls who actually like me, but its not working out that way.

On that.... the earlier suggestions sound good to me.... just let it go, let HER go. And let her know that you won't let her play around with you anymore. Chances are she will be pissed off (so be it then, you'll know for sure she's not the one) or..., she might just value you for beeing honest and true and you may continue your friendship (and who knows what else...) with her....

You never know....unless you try.
I know that this all sounds easier than it really is. I do. But you have to do what is right for YOU and stick to your values.... unless fucking her (once, twice maybe) is all that's on your mind... Good luck!

 

[MrHandy]

Yeah, I know you all are right. I need to cut her off completely. It will be kinda difficult however since she is a mutual friend of a lot of my other friends.

I hung out with her tonight and now im depressed again. I always go into it saying to myself that I dont give a damn what she thinks, but then she will say something random that will make me think that she likes me. But then Im telling myself again why do I care in the first place what she thinks.

Your right that I need something else to occupy my mind. My school work/projects usually takes care of this quite nicely. The problem arises after Ive been working my ass off and need to take a break. Then she is there. I need someone else in my social life to turn too.

 

[dollface007]

...but then she will say something random that will make me think that she likes me.

She doesn't like you, she likes using you. You know...the way people like dogs because they know the dog will love them and pay attention to them long as he gets a little bone once in a while.

If these mutual friends really are mutual friends, they'll understand exactly why you're cutting her off. Do it this weekend, before the 4th of July fireworks make you too sentimental The bitch doesn't deserve you.