Advice/info on swinging

[cowboy_charmdawg]

Howdy! My wife and I are swingers and we LOVE the thrill, excitment and pure lust of having sex with others. I have heard a lot of people say.."How do I talk my wife/husband into that?" Well ..ya don't. You can have a discussion about fantasies, talk about sexual orientation, open communication lines, but you can't 'talk' someone into the lifestyle. Not if you want the relationship to stay stable and strong.
There are many misconceptions about swinging also. The taboos; gangbangs, swing clubs, jealousy... The list goes on. So, I thought I'd start a thread to try and help answer some of the questions, dispell the myths and maybe make some new friends here in the process. Hope to hear from you soon!

 

[Unccwhitegurl]

I used to be into it, went to some parties etc...it was fun at first but i am very jealous and yes my man-friend would still be with me at the end of the night, but imy jealous side took over and i couldnt handle it. So if ur a jealous person swinging is not for you.

 

[cowboy_charmdawg]

This is very very true. Swinging is not for everyone. Trust, communication and the ability to not allow jealousy rule you are very important. To say that there is no jealousy would be a lie, we are after all, human, and jealousy is natural. That is why we have discussed any and all possible sceniarios we could or would consider and from there set rules for our playlife. This seems to work for most, but not for everyone.

 

[SweetErika]

Cowboy, have you come across people who consider themselves swingers and want or are seeking more than just sex/friends with benefits? Or those who believe it's okay to develop and explore feelings with partners?

I know that's a big no-no for most in the lifestyle, but am wondering if there's a segment that doesn't believe feelings/love should be reserved for the spouse and sex is just a physical thing.

 

[cowboy_charmdawg]

While most do frown upon the lifestyle being more than just a physcial/fun/friendship relationship, there are those who do want more. From our personal experience it has been mostly single males. Women seem to be better at detachment than men, and many of the single males that call themselves 'swingers' are people who are, to a degree, arrogant, and feel that they are a gift to women and that all women will want them.
The couples who are torn apart by this lifestyle are those who didn't have a VERY solid relationship with which to start out upon.We have known a few couples where, because feelings have developed for the other playmate, the couple have spit apart. However, this generally is rare.
I think, instead of swingers you may be thinking of polygamists. They hold the belief that love can exist betwen more than one mate. Swinging is simply for the fun, excitement and friendship. Hope I've been helpful!

 

[SweetErika]

While most do frown upon the lifestyle being more than just a physcial/fun/friendship relationship, there are those who do want more. From our personal experience it has been mostly single males. Women seem to be better at detachment than men, and many of the single males that call themselves 'swingers' are people who are, to a degree, arrogant, and feel that they are a gift to women and that all women will want them.
The couples who are torn apart by this lifestyle are those who didn't have a VERY solid relationship with which to start out upon.We have known a few couples where, because feelings have developed for the other playmate, the couple have spit apart. However, this generally is rare.
I think, instead of swingers you may be thinking of polygamists. They hold the belief that love can exist betwen more than one mate. Swinging is simply for the fun, excitement and friendship. Hope I've been helpful!

Thanks. I've noticed on a certain personals site some people seem very focused on sex, whereas others are focused on getting to know each other and building a solid friendship with sex as a benefit. So, it seems there might be some varying degrees of emotional involvement, and wondered what your experience with that was.

You're right, seeking love is polyamory. I'm absolutely polyamorous, but my hubby is more attracted to friendship and sex. Swinging with friends who want more than sex might be a good compromise for us, or at least it might be something to try.

We're one of those couples with a VERY solid relationship, and have done well with polyamory and sex with a couple we click with. I think couples who go into any of this with honesty, trust, respect, communication, and a good understanding of what each spouse is looking for probably won't have many issues.

 

[FurryFury]

I wish I had the confidence and nerve to do a lot of things. This is one of them.

Fury

 

[Halo_n_horns]

Howdy! My wife and I are swingers and we LOVE the thrill, excitment and pure lust of having sex with others. I have heard a lot of people say.."How do I talk my wife/husband into that?" Well ..ya don't. You can have a discussion about fantasies, talk about sexual orientation, open communication lines, but you can't 'talk' someone into the lifestyle. Not if you want the relationship to stay stable and strong.
There are many misconceptions about swinging also. The taboos; gangbangs, swing clubs, jealousy... The list goes on. So, I thought I'd start a thread to try and help answer some of the questions, dispell the myths and maybe make some new friends here in the process. Hope to hear from you soon!

Great thread, Cowboy. Thanks for stepping up to the plate on this subject.

 

[cowboy_charmdawg]

I'm glad to see people interested in swinging. Thanks Halo for the comment. Glad I could help. Now, Furry...While chosing to enter the lifestyle may seem daunting, it's actually quite easy, and you can even just make friends with those in the lifestyle with-out making any sexual committment. Also, something to consider, if you are a single female, especially one with a curiosity about her sexuality, is like a Holy Grail to many couples. And the lifestyle is geared toward the woman, her pleasure and her satisfaction. (Of course, you will find that pleasing a woman is what brings pleasure to most of the men in the lifestyle.) Respect is ALWAYS #1. NO means NO. Ya may want to find a Yahoo community or web personals site that deals strictly with swinging and talk to people in your area who are in the lifestyle. Remember, YOU are in control. Ask questions, get to know the people. If nothing else, you will make new friends. Hope I was helpful! Cy'all soon!

 

[Eilan]

I'm glad to see a thread like this.

I'm also curious as to how long it'll take for the my-kink-is-superior-to-your-kink people to find it and start flaming.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

I'm glad to see a thread like this.

I'm also curious as to how long it'll take for the my-kink-is-superior-to-your-kink people to find it and start flaming.

Y'know, when their kink involves sex with live giant squid at thirty atmospheres, they'll have some superior kink to brag about. Until then, they can exercise their right to remain silent.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm glad to see people interested in swinging. Thanks Halo for the comment. Glad I could help. Now, Furry...While chosing to enter the lifestyle may seem daunting, it's actually quite easy, and you can even just make friends with those in the lifestyle with-out making any sexual committment. Also, something to consider, if you are a single female, especially one with a curiosity about her sexuality, is like a Holy Grail to many couples. And the lifestyle is geared toward the woman, her pleasure and her satisfaction. (Of course, you will find that pleasing a woman is what brings pleasure to most of the men in the lifestyle.) Respect is ALWAYS #1. NO means NO. Ya may want to find a Yahoo community or web personals site that deals strictly with swinging and talk to people in your area who are in the lifestyle. Remember, YOU are in control. Ask questions, get to know the people. If nothing else, you will make new friends. Hope I was helpful! Cy'all soon!

Thanks for the ideas. I'm not single. That's part of what worries me about this. I'm shy about showing my body to others. I'm not sure how I'd feel about myself or my husband later. I dream about stuff like this though. I dream about a lot of things that I'm not sure I have whatever it takes to pursue. You never know though.

Fury

 

[cowboy_charmdawg]

Furry, Hun. That is acompletly human and reasonable response. I know that I personally worry what others will think of my body, but I have my wife who always know what to do or say to boost my confidence. She says I do the same for her. Have you talked to your signifigant other about your fantasies and insecurities? Rather it ends up with you persuing your fantasies or not, simply discussing them will open up lines of communication which could increase the intimacy in your relationship. Please don't, like some, confuse intimacy with sex. By breaking down communication barriers you will find that a simple touch or kiss as you pass in the hall will do things for you that you never thought possible. Small steps to boost your self confidence and closeness in your relationship may actually fill the void you feel, and you won't feel the desire to need to 'add spice' to your life.
And as far as the 'My kink is better than your kink' people. If that's what floats their boat, so be it. I simply refuse to have a battle of the wits with unarmed individuals.lol If you can't accept that people are simply different and have different tastes and not try to impose your taste or kink upon them, fell free to move along, but don't post here expecting to start a thread war. I simply won't stoop to that level. To each their own. Life's too short. Enjoy what you do. lol

 

[FurryFury]

Furry, Hun. That is acompletly human and reasonable response. I know that I personally worry what others will think of my body, but I have my wife who always know what to do or say to boost my confidence. She says I do the same for her. Have you talked to your signifigant other about your fantasies and insecurities? Rather it ends up with you persuing your fantasies or not, simply discussing them will open up lines of communication which could increase the intimacy in your relationship. Please don't, like some, confuse intimacy with sex. By breaking down communication barriers you will find that a simple touch or kiss as you pass in the hall will do things for you that you never thought possible. Small steps to boost your self confidence and closeness in your relationship may actually fill the void you feel, and you won't feel the desire to need to 'add spice' to your life.
And as far as the 'My kink is better than your kink' people. If that's what floats their boat, so be it. I simply refuse to have a battle of the wits with unarmed individuals.lol If you can't accept that people are simply different and have different tastes and not try to impose your taste or kink upon them, fell free to move along, but don't post here expecting to start a thread war. I simply won't stoop to that level. To each their own. Life's too short. Enjoy what you do. lol

Thanks!

Yes, we have talked about it and talked about other things I long to do as well. We both think our relationship is strong enough but I don't think either of us really want to test it yet. I'm working on the other issues.

Fury

 

[SweetErika]

I'm full of it...

...inquisitiveness, that is.

Hubby and I were wondering what a typical event/"party" through a club might be like for first-timers. Let's assume we'd go into it with the intention NOT to do anything sexual (though in the right circumstances it could happen). Also, I've read the standard etiquette and rule guides and know they're strictly enforced by most groups, so there's no concern about others touching without permission, coercion, etc.

For anyone who's been, what was your first experience at a club/group event like? I'm mainly thinking about on-premise, but am happy to hear about off-premise and private experiences as well.

One concern is that we wouldn't know what to do as first-timers who wouldn't know anyone else and likely wouldn't be participating. What did, or would, you do in that situation? Do you talk to others, but be clear you're new and not interested in sex this time (I might fear them thinking we're conversing because we're interested, leading them on, taking up time when they could be connecting with others, etc.)?

Do you think it would be fairly comfortable for newcomers who aren't participating to be around while most are "playing"? What might be best for the newbies do during that time (watch from a distance, leave, sex with each other if comfortable, etc.)?

We know this is a ton of info to ask for, and all people, events and groups are unique. So, anything you want to share, general guidelines, advice, and personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

 

[cowboy_charmdawg]

Erika, I think that you'll find that your first time to a club or party will be a little uneasy. Not because of the people, but because of the societal standards that are ingrained in people. It will seem a bit taboo to watch others play. But most clubs have a walk through to familiarise first timers to the lay-out of the club to help you feel nore comfortable, as well as to introduce you to staff who will help you with any questions you might have. Our first time was actually with a swing group we belong to on the net, so we were familiar with most of the people we saw at the club. In your case, introducing yourself to a couple you see at the club may be helpful. Be honest and let them know you are curious and most likely will not be playing while at the club, and I'm sure they will understand. If you do feel the urge to have a lil fun, but only with one another, feel free. Most 'on-premesis' clubs have the option of having the door open, which allows others to join, having the door partially closed, allowing others to only watch, and completely closed for privacy. Something else to consider is your nervous reaction. Our first time, my wife had her 'visitor' a week early due to her nervousness. This, we have found, can be a common occurance for first timers. But as long as you are open minded and willing to have a lil fun, you'll really enjoy the experience. Very erotic and exciting and fun! I hope I was helpful! Thanks!

 

[playwithlezli]

Wish us luck.

Thanks to cowboy for starting this thread and to sweet erika for bringing it to my attention.

My husband is definately not into men, and from what I have heard, that shouldn't be a problem at a swing club. Anything else I could tell him to make this first time less stressful?

 

[playwithlezli]

Another option for multi-person relationships

If you are looking a relationship with three people you could also be part of a triad.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks to cowboy for starting this thread and to sweet erika for bringing it to my attention.

My husband is definately not into men, and from what I have heard, that shouldn't be a problem at a swing club. Anything else I could tell him to make this first time less stressful?

Lezli, from what I've seen on personals sites, most of the men are straight and say something like, "I'm secure in my sexuality, but have no desire to play with other men." Also, some friends of ours reported there was usually a negative attitude towards bi men and they didn't ever see MM action at local clubs. I'm sure the men who are bi are pretty careful about not approaching straight guys at clubs, and likely hookup via personal ads because they can be assured people want the same things.

 

[playwithlezli]

Lezli, from what I've seen on personals sites, most of the men are straight and say something like, "I'm secure in my sexuality, but have no desire to play with other men." Also, some friends of ours reported there was usually a negative attitude towards bi men and they didn't ever see MM action at local clubs. I'm sure the men who are bi are pretty careful about not approaching straight guys at clubs, and likely hookup via personal ads because they can be assured people want the same things.

Hubby says thank you very much for the info

And I say yay-cuz we are going to a club tonight, so maybe I will post back here tomorrow just to let you all know how it turned out.

 

[FurryFury]

Hubby says thank you very much for the info

And I say yay-cuz we are going to a club tonight, so maybe I will post back here tomorrow just to let you all know how it turned out.

I'd love to hear how it goes!!!

Fury

 

[cowboy_charmdawg]

Hope y'all have fun! TY Furry for the responses.. I know of a great swingers personals site. If ya wanna know more about it let me know. Didn't think it would be apprpriate to post it here. lol

 

[SweetErika]

Hope y'all have fun! TY Furry for the responses.. I know of a great swingers personals site. If ya wanna know more about it let me know. Didn't think it would be apprpriate to post it here. lol

When sites are relevant, helpful, and solicited, it's perfectly fine to post them. It's the assholes who go around posting irrelevant sites, try to promote themselves or make money, and just throw up links without any explanation, personal response to the question(s), or carelessly that run into trouble. I suggest SLS Personals, SwingersBoard, and many, many other non-swinging sites all the time.

 

[FurryFury]

Hope y'all have fun! TY Furry for the responses.. I know of a great swingers personals site. If ya wanna know more about it let me know. Didn't think it would be apprpriate to post it here. lol

Thanks I will let you know when I'm ready for such things.

Fury

 

[playwithlezli]

Hope you meant that!

I'd love to hear how it goes!!!

Fury

Well, I would say for newbies, it went quite well.

We walked in, picked a table that had a couple of empty chairs, intro'd ourselves and lucked out with having some very easy to talk to folks.

There was also an instigator in the crowd, and not being one to be outdone, I ended not only sitting with a couple of other topless ladies at our table but dancing in just my see thru black panties.

We declined to participate in the fuckfest that followed, but watched for a bit, then headed home.

Needless to say, the drive home took a little longer than normal

Next week we will be trying another club with a couple from last night, one that has more girl on girl action apparently-my area of interest

This is the honest to god truth and thanks to all of you here who helped make it happen