Advice for my sub?

[Kenthry]

Hello, I've been lurking here for quite some time since I don't get on very often unless at a friend's house.

Anyways, I have a submissive (let's call her angela). I adore angela, she's an excellent pet and an excellent person. I've grown to love her in the time we've spent together. She is very obedient and a pleasure to be around. There is just one problem though and it's something I wish I could help her with. When we are being intimate after playing, or just because the mood strikes us she finds that she can't cum, or takes a really long time and by then she is too frustrated to care. It's not that she isn't aroused, she just simply can't reach her climax. Now, I've had many subs and trained them to do many things, such as training one that didn't like anal sex so that she actually liked it by pairing anal stimulation with clitoral because she liked it. She turned into a real anal slut (heh, sounds funny I know).
I just dont know if this is something I can deal with in training or what.

Can someone please offer suggestions? It kills me to see her so upset and frustrated, to her this is humiliating because she feels like she's broken. She's talked about becoming Celibate because of the frustration not being with the pleasure. I'm at my wits end on this one.

 

[MissTaken]

I am curious to know, what you have tried and what she has tried. Then, perhaps we can provide some ideas and feedback.

 

[Kenthry]

I am curious to know, what you have tried and what she has tried. Then, perhaps we can provide some ideas and feedback.

We've tried numerous things the thing we shall try next is increased foreplay. she doesn't always have a hard time getting off though it is most of the time. We have discovered that it is much easier if she is on her hands and knees or stomach not on her back.

It doesn't seem to matter if we have played before or not it is the same result.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

does she have problems reaching orgasm when she's pleasuring herself? do you have her do that in front of you? i used to have a really hard time cumming from intercourse (or any kind of sex really) so i can totally relate to her frustration. i can tell you one thing you can do is be really supportive and dont act disappointed because she didnt cum-that will only put more pressure on her and make her more stressed and even LESS likely to get off.

one thing that worked for me was to bring myself to the edge or a little bit back from the edge..to the point where i knew i was going to cum-and then have him enter me and fuck me until i came. after a while of doing that, i did it "by myself' less and less, until finally i could cum with him and didnt have to touch myself or get myself going at all.

another big thing for me was trust-id never really fully trusted a guy i was with or felt comfortable with him...then, my then-boyfriend and i met. i was totally relaxed and at ease with him which made it easier for me to get off too.

good luck.

 

[Kenthry]

does she have problems reaching orgasm when she's pleasuring herself? do you have her do that in front of you? i used to have a really hard time cumming from intercourse (or any kind of sex really) so i can totally relate to her frustration. i can tell you one thing you can do is be really supportive and dont act disappointed because she didnt cum-that will only put more pressure on her and make her more stressed and even LESS likely to get off.

one thing that worked for me was to bring myself to the edge or a little bit back from the edge..to the point where i knew i was going to cum-and then have him enter me and fuck me until i came. after a while of doing that, i did it "by myself' less and less, until finally i could cum with him and didnt have to touch myself or get myself going at all.

another big thing for me was trust-id never really fully trusted a guy i was with or felt comfortable with him...then, my then-boyfriend and i met. i was totally relaxed and at ease with him which made it easier for me to get off too.

good luck.

she winds up masterbating so that she can finally climax the majority of the time because we find that nothing else helps. I of course help by either by teasing her with my fingers or a toy. I always act supportive and am never disappointed if she doesn't achive that. I just feel bad because I know that she is frustrated and I can't do anything to help her.

thank you.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

she winds up masterbating so that she can finally climax the majority of the time because we find that nothing else helps. I of course help by either by teasing her with my fingers or a toy. I always act supportive and am never disappointed if she doesn't achive that. I just feel bad because I know that she is frustrated and I can't do anything to help her.

thank you.

i know, but i mean her masturbating til shes right about to cum, and then you going inside her so when she actually cums, you are fucking her, instead of her just fingering herself or whatever.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Maybe if you haven't already, tap into her secret fantasies, the ones usually hidden deep. At a point when you are both playing, stimulating her in whatever way works, in a soft voice in her ear begin to spin a tale along the lines of her fantasy and in a way as if it might happen, or if she gets off on humiliation, in a way which teases her for the fantasy turn on. It can with the right person and moment work wonders where nothing else can succeed.

Catalina

 

[Justina123]

I completely empathize with your sub. A toy, believe it or not, that changed my whole attitude towards what an orgasm is, is called the "rabbit" and it has NOTHING to do with the vaginal dildo part. It has two hard little "ears" that give clitoral stimulation which is unreal and, as I said, changed my whole attitude towards orgasm. I just recently found that you can buy a smaller version with just the clitoral stimulator, which for me is the only part that matters.

As I said, it does something for me that makes me wonder if what I used to call "orgasm" was really an "orgasm."

I realize this may sound like a kind of superficial post or something, but it's an honest reply about something which has made a huge difference in my attitude towards sexual satisfactio.

-justina

 

[MissTaken]

one thing that worked for me was to bring myself to the edge or a little bit back from the edge..to the point where i knew i was going to cum-and then have him enter me and fuck me until i came. after a while of doing that, i did it "by myself' less and less, until finally i could cum with him and didnt have to touch myself or get myself going at all.

.

good luck.

Building on this idea, if you can enter her in a way that she or you can finger her clit while you are fucking her, she may find she achieves orgasm.

Also, perhaps a few times wherein you tell her to lay on the bed and make herself cum by any means necessary while you watch. Explain it is so you can see what works for her, but then, as catalina suggests, add some verbal stimulation into the time together. In that sense, she will be sharing her orgasm with you and slowly, you could become more physically involved by means of BDSM acts or sensual touches.

And justina is onto something with teh jackrabbit! Yummy.



As for frustration? Well, the more frustrated she is the less likely she is to orgasm. Playing in a relaxing bath with candles, or having a glass of wine before playing might help her to relax. But be cautious, you don't want her so relaxed she goes to sleep!

 

[Quint]

Gotta say though, both you and she have to accept the notion that she may never get "better." Some women are not orgasmic. I'm one of them. I can get myself off successfully, I can come with a toy on my clit, and occasionally I can come from oral sex, but it's definitely not easy--more often than not, it isn't even worth the effort. I completely understand the frustration she's going through, but part of enjoying the rest of my sex life was understanding that orgasm may not be a big part of it. Once I swallowed that horsepill, I was more fully able to immerse myself in all the other things I DO like in sex.

I applaud your patience and support of her; hopefully she understands how lucky she is to share this difficulty with someone who won't make it any harder than it is.

That being said, the ideas other people are giving are excellent. Combining her own techniques, toys, and you in a stress-free setting is a very good place to start.

 

[NemoAlia]

Once I swallowed that horsepill, I was more fully able to immerse myself in all the other things I DO like in sex.

How does your partner feel about all this? Mine seems sad and insecure -- like it's his fault I don't have orgasms, or maybe like I'm lying when I say I want to have sex.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Age can also be a factor. Women who have been unable to orgasm or without effort in their teens and early 20's, sometimes find that changes later on. Biologically, the sexual peak is generally around 30 - 35 for women, so this can also increase the chance of orgasm becoming more achieveable..and also, unlike most men, women do not necessarily have to, or want to, orgasm every time they have sex.

Catalina

 

[Quint]

How does your partner feel about all this? Mine seems sad and insecure -- like it's his fault I don't have orgasms, or maybe like I'm lying when I say I want to have sex.

It was really hard for him at first--he went from a highly orgasmic (multiple times, ways, everything) partner to me, and I think he blamed himself a lot in the initial times we met. I don't really know what changed in his mind--we had good communication and he knew that I'd been this way before I was with him, but mostly I think it was a shift of priorities for him. Rather than concentrate on my orgasms, he'd think about other uses he could have of my body which would be mutually achievable and satisfying. When Burger King closes, go to Taco Bell. I think it's kind of a bromide--"a good lover will make his partner come." Hard to get over. But he knows that coming truly isn't my most pressing desire in the bedroom, and so he eventually let go of the guilt. It isn't an issue anymore. (Have to admit, though, it's an advantage to have a partner who isn't ashamed to be selfish and sadistic.)

Catalina, that's kind of my hope as well. I SAY I've resigned myself to the fact that I may never be more orgasmic than I am now...but that doesn't mean I can't dream!

 

[Netzach]

What Quint said.

And don't go thinking that bodies are always so re-programmable. Different people are different, that's one of the enjoyable things in life.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

she winds up masterbating so that she can finally climax the majority of the time because we find that nothing else helps. I of course help by either by teasing her with my fingers or a toy. I always act supportive and am never disappointed if she doesn't achive that. I just feel bad because I know that she is frustrated and I can't do anything to help her.

thank you.

Uh, are we talking here about someone who can't orgasm, or who can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation? You are getting answers pertaining to both, so I wondered which do you need? If you are talking about the latter -- can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation -- according to research that's actually true of Most women. (Think of trying to orgasm w/o your cock being stimulated, for a pretty fair analogy.)

 

[redelicious]

Gotta say though, both you and she have to accept the notion that she may never get "better." Some women are not orgasmic. I'm one of them. I can get myself off successfully, I can come with a toy on my clit, and occasionally I can come from oral sex, but it's definitely not easy--more often than not, it isn't even worth the effort. I completely understand the frustration she's going through, but part of enjoying the rest of my sex life was understanding that orgasm may not be a big part of it. Once I swallowed that horsepill, I was more fully able to immerse myself in all the other things I DO like in sex.

This pretty much describes me too. I think some women just have a hard time getting enough clitoral stimulation during intercourse. I think I read where your sub does better on her knees. Allowing her to stimulate her clit while you fuck her from behind may work really well for you, and in fact might produce a really intense orgasm for her (also works well for anal sex). The fact that she is touching herself is just an incidental, and could be part of your Domination (i.e., she touches herself for you because it brings you pleasure).

The above is how I cum during sex. This is not to say I don't enjoy other positions or sex play. In fact I do, but essentially those things are foreplay for me. Any frustration I used to have pretty much faded once I accepted that and understood there wasn't anything wrong with me or my partner.

 

[Etoile]

Is she on any medications? Anti-depressants are notorious for dampening sex drives, but other drugs can do it too. I have a love/hate relationship with mine, because while they keep me from being in a puddle of tears, I can't have an orgasm. The libido is definitely there, but the orgasm is unattainable.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

This happened to me, too, Etoile. (Works the other way for me, too. I come better when I'm really depressed.) After experimenting with cutting back, switching times I take it, etc. none of which worked without bringing back the depression, I finally got really determined to find out if I could overcome the effect.
Using a vibrator pressed hard and for a long time, rolling over the base of my clit, and a different motion than I'm used to using, I was able to manage it. The next time took just as long, but the orgasm was better. It still hasn't gotten easy or quick but it's definitely worth it. I'm also doing kegels, as part of it feels like the medication has just relaxed my muscles too much or something.
Anyway, you may still be able to, if you try a different method and give it longer. (Orgasm is one thing I won't give up without a fight. Even chocolate goes first )

 

[Kenthry]

Thank you all for replying and giving me ideas.

Her not being able to cum isnt for lack of clitoral stimulation, she can't without it. But even when touching herself it sometimes takes a very long time or doesn't happen at all. It's definitely not age that is a factor because she is only 25. I'm not entirely sure why she has to be on her knees, but I think part of it is psychological, the whole transmale thing... You know... lots of anal stimulation and not alot of vaginal penetration. The other reason for less vaginal penetration is that it's painful for her at times. Perhaps I need to give her the idea that I want her to touch herself because it pleases me. That might make her feel less bad. She feels like she is letting me down when she can't cum, and I think in the back of her mind she is afraid that I will eventually give up on her. She keeps talking about becoming a stone butch because for her part it's just getting to be too frustrating.
She's amazing though, she gets very aroused just by me touching her... anywhere. It doesn't have to be sexual or anything like that. She just loves the attention. I don't think she got much attention in her last relationship.

Etoile, she is on welbutrin xr but that's supposed to heighten the sexual experience. She seems to have an easier time now that she is on that. It does make her more horny than before, that's for sure. It's hard for me to understand what she is going through because when she goes to pleasure me it doesn't take me long at all. I'm pretty much lost to her within minutes, which of course she loves. She knows that her Mistress is well satisfied.

 

[Etoile]

Yes, Wellbutrin was the one anti-depressant that allowed me to have an orgasm. Unfortunately I'm not on it any longer, I'm on Celexa now.

You hadn't mentioned earlier that your sub was trans, had you? That could be a big factor in it. I know there is a lot of discussion in MTF communities about being orgasmic or not - some women are, and some aren't. A very good friend of mine happens to be, I could put you in touch with her if you wanted to ask her questions. I don't have much knowledge of the FTM side of the equation, unfortunately. My FTM friends are all pre-op, but we still haven't talked about orgasm very much.

I totally empathize with her about feeling like she's letting you down, though. I have felt that way with my girlfriend many times. I have cried because I get so frustrated at not being able to come. My gf is really great about it, but I still feel bad.

 

[Kenthry]

Yes, Wellbutrin was the one anti-depressant that allowed me to have an orgasm. Unfortunately I'm not on it any longer, I'm on Celexa now.

You hadn't mentioned earlier that your sub was trans, had you? That could be a big factor in it. I know there is a lot of discussion in MTF communities about being orgasmic or not - some women are, and some aren't. A very good friend of mine happens to be, I could put you in touch with her if you wanted to ask her questions. I don't have much knowledge of the FTM side of the equation, unfortunately. My FTM friends are all pre-op, but we still haven't talked about orgasm very much.

I totally empathize with her about feeling like she's letting you down, though. I have felt that way with my girlfriend many times. I have cried because I get so frustrated at not being able to come. My gf is really great about it, but I still feel bad.

Well, she is preop and doesn't plan on the surgery. But yeah, getting in touch with your friend might be a great idea. Perhaps they can help shed some light on this situation. My sub cries when this happens, which is something that doesn't happen very often. It breaks my heart to see her like this and know that I can't do much to help her out. I wish I knew more of what I could do.