Advice for a newbie

[Nomorevanilla]

I need some opinions on what's going on. So here's the situation. A coworker approached me about joining him in his BDSM lifestyle as his new pet (I am married). We had a long, hot conversation about my sexual interests. I was so hot after that conversation, it was hard to pay attention at work.
So after a few more flirty conversations he said if I was serious, send him a pic of myself. Now it's been two weeks and I have heard nothing!! We do not work in the same building very often, so I dont see him very much. Does it sound like a mind game, making me wait, or has he lost interest?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

It sounds like a thrilling situation, exciting and dark and new. It also sounds like he may be toying with you, making you wait, or he may be disregarding you. You don't know each other well enough to know if this is his typical communication style or not.

If you're planning to pursue this intimate relationship extramaritally, be prepared for a different kind of pain. Getting caught and the aftermath is horribly painful for all involved. Can you talk to your husband about your desires? Would he be open to letting you play with another man/couple? Would you be okay with him doing the same with another woman/couple? Are you okay if your marriage ends if you are caught? Know the answers to all of these before you proceed so you can make a decision knowing you're prepared for any of the possible outcomes.

Welcome to Lit. There's a lot to read here and good discussions to be had on BDSM.

 

[ARoseSoSweet]

i echo the prior poster in regards to your marriage. have you discussed this type of situation with your husband. I'm not saying that you cannot have both but everyone needs to be aware of what is going on or things could end up going very badly. (basing this on experience as I have gotten involved with a married man)

In regards to this potential Dom not being in touch. Are you communicating via email/text or something else? Anyone I am getting involved with knows right off the bat that daily communication is a requirement. You may need to discuss with him your needs in regards to communication and what you expect from him. Especially as this is something new for the two of you and you are trying to figure out what it may be.

Remember, just because he is a Dom doesn't mean that you cannot ask for things.

 

[Nomorevanilla]

Thanks for the replies. I havent communicated anything to the husband. It would be in secret. My coworker and I have communicated verbally and through email. He only works in my building occasionally. I have emailed him two times since he has said anything to me. It almost makes me feel like a teenager waiting on a crush to reply. But the last thing he said was "we should hang out." Thats why I am so confused. He did mention, in our initial conversation about it, he likes mind fucks. And him making me wait isnt a mindfuck, but it appears he also likes mind games! I keep wondering if all he wanted out of me was a pic, but he talked about doing so much to me, and what he would have me do....I am really hoping it isnt just a game.

 

[CutieMouse]

It sounds like an excellent opportunity for HR to evaluate the value of their employees...

 

[Primalex]

A coworker approached me about joining him in his BDSM lifestyle as his new pet (I am married).

Coworkers don't happen to run around and make sexual suggestions to random employees. Well, not for very long. Somehow there is something missing.

Does it sound like a mind game, making me wait, or has he lost interest?

You are a toy. And this is not meant endearing, but more literal. You are fun to play with when he likes to and otherwise it doesn't matter if there is dust settling on it. Did you ever care about the feelings of your vibrator?

He told me to think about it over the holidays, as he was going to be away from work for a month.

This has nothing to do with a serious relationship or affair. There is no logical reason why you could not communicate with someone who is away from work. He had better things to do and you weren't necessary as entertainment. You could say you are slightly more entertaining than a youtube video. If this is good enough for you, go on.

Sorry, but this is the wrong, unhealthy kind of flirty, sexy extramarital distraction.


Oh yes, his next statement will be "My silence was just to test you." I bet 50 bucks on it. Literally.

 

[Nomorevanilla]

Ouch, Primalex! I knew if I came here to open a discussion I would get honesty, and I thank everyone for answering and still welcome more feedback from anyone else who has started a relationship this way. I still hope he gets back with me, Id love to explore it with him. I have read some exhilarating discussions here and I would thoroughly enjoy pleasing him.

 

[Primalex]

and still welcome more feedback from anyone else who has started a relationship this way.

You find some threads in BDSM Talk and How-To about it, search for "How do I cope".

 

[Freya_Gin]

I agree wholeheartedly with Primalex here. This guy is giving you a load of crap. Ditch his ass.

As to your marriage, well, I can't give much advice as I don't understand the situation with your husband. I know what it's like to be trapped in a marriage you can't get out of. Not only was my husband not into BDSM but he cheated when I was faithful. But you haven't told us why you can't or won't talk about your submissive desires with him. Do you know that he isn't receptive to the idea? Or was it that part of what so thrilling to you about this coworker was the cheating aspect itself?

 

[Nomorevanilla]

I have tried to get him to try some things and he wont. Cheating with this particular person is something I have fantasized about for months so when he asked me, I of course said yes.

 

[J D Danger]

I have tried to get him to try some things and he wont. Cheating with this particular person is something I have fantasized about for months so when he asked me, I of course said yes.

what have you wanted him to try and why won't he?

 

[Nomorevanilla]

Restraint, cuffs, spanking, gags, several things. I cant even get him to call me a dirty slut, and I want that from him so bad!

 

[ARoseSoSweet]

Restraint, cuffs, spanking, gags, several things. I cant even get him to call me a dirty slut, and I want that from him so bad!

Do you know why? I think that is huge.

And what do you think would happen to your marriage if things go somewhere with the coworker? What do you want to happen with your marriage?

 

[Nomorevanilla]

I want excitement. Tired of being a roomate. The only place I ever get a compliment is at work.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I want excitement. Tired of being a roomate. The only place I ever get a compliment is at work.

You know, getting compliments at work is one thing.

Starting something like this at work and with someone who doesn't seem by your description very dependable and/or not really interested on the same level as you, can land you in the HR office or even the unemployment line.

The risky business thing can be exhilarating of course, but can you afford it?

Have you told your husband that you are this fed up with the current state of the relationship with him?

 

[Nomorevanilla]

Oh yes, I've told him for years. We are extremely careful at work when we talk. I don't see HR being an issue if two consenting adults have a fling outside of work, and he and I work for different companies anyways.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Have you considered divorce? Have you considered that divorce may be inevitable with the path you're going down and that it may be better for all involved to end it before infidelity? (Not judging, just offering questions for consideration.)

 

[Nomorevanilla]

I have thought about divorce. I was thinking I could get my sex fix somewhere else since he has a really low sex drive. But then last night I was walking past him naked after getting out of the shower and he asked me to come "sit on his lap and go for a ride." He thinks Im having an affair wih a different coworker, which I am not, we are just great friends. He has no idea about this other guy. I think im just so attracted to him, I need to hit it. It's all I think about.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Would your husband consider an open relationship? Have you talked to him about that?

You are an adult and you are going to do whatever you want and choose to do. Just know many people have been in your exact shoes right now and there are so many potential outcomes. Be prepared for the worst of the outcomes, and when you make your decision, make sure it's worth it, you know?

 

[Nomorevanilla]

I tend to be a negative person so I have thought about all the bad outcomes, but I can think of some amazingly good outcomes, too. He wouldnt want an open marriage. He has talked negatively to me for so long I feel like I really need this and that I would get more self confidence from it.

 

[mewandrer63]

I tend to be a negative person so I have thought about all the bad outcomes, but I can think of some amazingly good outcomes, too. He wouldnt want an open marriage. He has talked negatively to me for so long I feel like I really need this and that I would get more self confidence from it.

don't be a doormat... if he doesn't appreciate what he has no doubt other men will...

 

[Primalex]

Kids, please. If there is a desire for a "Fix my marriage" thread, the OP will create one.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I hate to say it too, but it sounds like he wrote a check he can't cash.

Absent some truly compelling intervention, most guys would have followed up by now.

Good luck finding someone who will follow up!

 

[Nomorevanilla]

Thanks Paul, I appreciate it.

 

[J D Danger]

I have thought about divorce. I was thinking I could get my sex fix somewhere else since he has a really low sex drive. But then last night I was walking past him naked after getting out of the shower and he asked me to come "sit on his lap and go for a ride." He thinks Im having an affair wih a different coworker, which I am not, we are just great friends. He has no idea about this other guy. I think im just so attracted to him, I need to hit it. It's all I think about.

how did the ride with your husband go?

I am sorry to say this but it is sounding more and more like you are looking for permission to cheat

I suggest trying to work on things with your husband...be open with him about how you feel and if the relationship still is not what you want or feel you need end it..then move on