Advice for a new writer

[MasterOniKuma]

So. I have been thinking about posting a story. And concerned about length. I have never really been a long or detailed story writer. I perfer to give enough to let the reader imagine themselves in the scene. And the one I am currently writing is sort of a Guys diary. so. Ummm...
Here is the first entry....Let me know what you think and If I should start submitting the rest.

I am open to any critism.

A Hunter's Journal - "First Blood"
My vision's blurred, and my head spins.
I slowly begin to regain my focus.
And I see her.
Lying there, so quite, so still.
Her lifeless eyes starring up at me.
Tina.
She's the head Varsity Cheerleader.
Or was.
What has happened? What have I done?
The metallic smell of blood causes images to flood back to me.
I remember the movie, the walk in the park,
And then.....
The Hunger, I remamber the Hunger.
Memories of what has happened race through my mind.
She was jogging. Alone.
Something told me to follow her.
Half a mile later she stops for water.
"Hey"
"Heyyyy, Bear. Wait up" her voice is friendly.
How does she know my name?
We never really ran in the same circles.
I slow to let her catch up.
"Ready?"
"When ever you are," her tone like that of talking to an old friend.
We jog for another mile or two.
Then it hits me.
The Hunger.
I stop, but Tina makes another few more steps before turning around.
"Everything alright?"
Her hand rests on my back.
I look up at her, and feel it take control.
I grab her firmly and begin to pull he into the tree line.
"Hey there Romeo,"she struggles uselessly.
I should feel disgusted by what I have done.
But all I feel is satisfaction.
Since Tina there have been many others.
And there will be many more.

 

[Guest]

Four comments:

1) Your formatting makes this read more like blank verse than fiction, and will drive your readers crazy. Think paragraphs.

2) This sample is less than 1/3 of the minimum length for Lit posting, unless you place it under poetry.

3) Get an editor, or at least a proofreader; your punctuation needs help significant help, and you have a number of typos.

4) You have some skill. Keep writing until you've produced something that's at least 750 words in length, and then revise, revise, revise.

Good luck.

 

[Mistress_Joli]

You have a good start to something interesting, but I agree with GnomeDePlume. YOu need to change the formatting. I thought at first it was a poem. Definitely paragraphs, longer ones.

As for editor, I don't feel the need for an editor until I have gone through the proofreading once or twice myself. Corel word perfect has a pretty good spell checker, as does Microsoft word. As a person that has edited myself, it is annoying to edit something that hasn't been through a spellchecker. And it is such an easy thing to do.

And definitely work on length. But good start.

 

[CWatson]

I perfer to give enough to let the reader imagine themselves in the scene.

Okay. Where is it? Because what you wrote is definitely not enough.

If you want your viewpoint character to be someone The Reader can empathize with and feel as though they (The reader) are similar to him, you need more details. You have to be careful in picking those details, of course; you can only add the ones that 1) all men have (a job; friends; a penis), or 2) all men want to have (a job as a secret agent; drinking buddies; a large penis). But they do need to be there. Every story is dependent on whether The Reader can form an emotional connection with one of the characters in the story, meaning we have to like either The Narrator or Tina enough to keep reading. Tina's out, 'cause she's, um, kinda dead. We have to like The Narrator. And that means he has to be a character, not just an empty shell.

Also, add more description. What you have now is not a story; this is just straight reporting, like in a newspaper. Look at how many paragraphs you have that consist of only one sentence! Those should be the exception, not the rule. (1 in 2 is about the most frequent you can get away with--dialogue notwithstanding.) While tis something to be said for starkness, being frugal with words doesn't mean not describing, it means describing rapidly. Take that maniac Ernest Hemingway, for instance:

He came to the river. The river was there.

Nine words. What does it conjure? All that's said is that the river happens to exist at this point in time; but such a statement implies that it's possible for the river to not exist, which implies that it must be one heck of a river while it is there. One pictures a muddy bank scoured bare of vegetation, opaque brown waters flecked with white foam, logs tumbling down the turgid current. This is not just a river; this is a river.

Did he use one word to describe it instead of fifty, like the genius he is? Yes. But does using only one word mean he didn't describe it? Heck no! He just used the right one. That's how you know he's a genius. Most of us don't know the right words to use at the right times; but we don't let that stop us because, whether one word or fifty, the description must be given. The same is true for you.

MasterOniKuma, you are right to believe that there is great flexibility within the realm of storytelling, and that you can tell your story almost any way you want--assuming you remain within that realm, and keep to its rules. Your story doesn't do that right now. And, unfortunately, you can't get away with that; obeying the rules of storytelling, spelling, grammar & punctuation are the taxes or bribes we pay to get people to read what we've written. If we want people to pay attention to our creativity, we have to pay our pound of flesh. It sucks, but it's true.

So. Add some more details to your narrator, and add some more details to his descriptions. That's all.