Advice for a New Sub

[ItsSecretlyMe]

Hey everyone, I've been a lurker for quite some time and i have finally gotten myself together to come on here and chat.

So here is my question:

I'm in a relationship with said Dom. Its been going on for a bit already, but a couple months in I'm not feeling content with him. I don't know I just don't feel as connected. I love him as a friend, but i think hes missing the mark as the Dom i need. He's been talking about moving closer to me, but Thinking it over i can't see us living harmoniously.

I've spoken to him about being uneasy about us. Afterwards he asked what
I wanted to do about it, being unsure. i said i wasn't sure and i asked what he thought we should do, he said to continue on as usual. Yet now that its been about two weeks since that conversation, it feels like hes ignoring or "forgetting" what i had brought up. Everything is going on like usual with no mention to my previous concerns, he hasn't tried bringing anything up or talking about it. I've honestly have been thinking about calling it quits. Though the thought makes me feel guilty and like i have wasted both of our time.

I just need some advice on how i should proceed? and how i should maybe tell him i think we should end it, should i choose to take that route....

I'm just completely afraid of hurting him and I'm feeling completely attached even through my discontent, especially seeing as he is my first Dom.

sorry for the typos if any, and please no rudeness or patronizing......​

 

[Stella_Omega]

You haven't wasted time for either of you-- you both have learned stuff.

The important thing for you, is you need to figure out what you need in BDSM. It's a little closer to rocket science than regular vanilla humping is. Takes thought, and recognition and self-awareness. I suggest you read one of my rants on the differences between "subbing" and "Bottoming" and see if you yourself have been missing your own mark-- you never know.

Once you've done that-- or even before you've done it-- you have two choices; One, communicate to him that he's missing the mark, and tell him what you need, and let him think about that and decide if that's a place he'd like to go.

Or else, call it quits -- do it soon, because it's his attachment gland that you need to not waste. Yes, you're going to feel guilty. Women are socialised to feel guilty. Call it anyway.


That's my two cents

 

[ItsSecretlyMe]

You haven't wasted time for either of you-- you both have learned stuff.

The important thing for you, is you need to figure out what you need in BDSM. It's a little closer to rocket science than regular vanilla humping is. Takes thought, and recognition and self-awareness. I suggest you read one of my rants on the differences between "subbing" and "Bottoming" and see if you yourself have been missing your own mark-- you never know.

Once you've done that-- or even before you've done it-- you have two choices; One, communicate to him that he's missing the mark, and tell him what you need, and let him think about that and decide if that's a place he'd like to go.

Or else, call it quits -- do it soon, because it's his attachment gland that you need to not waste. Yes, you're going to feel guilty. Women are socialised to feel guilty. Call it anyway.


That's my two cents

Thanks Stella

I searched out your suggested reading. I've come to the conclusion after reading a bit of your threads on the who sub vs bottoming topic; That I fit more into the sub category rather than bottom. I enjoy power exchange and i also enjoy it extending outside of the bed room. Very interesting read , since i hadn't thought of that aspect nor had i heard of bottoming.

Thing about the communicating is i have told him. I've written it out for him in black and white. Whats been boggling me is, that hes been very one-sided, there hasn't been much complexity in our being together. Hes been the macho Dom (god i feel like I'm bad mouthing him) always rough, do this, do that. I guess I'm feeling so upset is because i dont feel like I'm seeing other aspects of him? I mean I've shared alot about myself, he knows a great deal of me but whenever its something intimate about family and friends; its always a curt concise answer, never an elaboration. And when it comes to me I want him to know all there is about me and i end up rambling off about some family gathering which ends with me talking about some removed distant cousin (im exaggerating).

Is it wrong of me to want to know as much as i want to know of him and to be turned off when it seems like hes unwilling to do so? I mean I did expect this to have some semblance of an actual relationship not just the lovely kink.
Maybe hes not who he say he is (dangers of the online community)

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Would you put up with this in a "vanilla" relationship? If the answer is no then why would you put up with in in a non vanilla one? and if he tries to pull the "oh but a true submissive would not feel that way" then tell him to build a bridge and jump off it.

I feel that a kink relationship is really a two for one deal, you need to make sure that the foundation is there for a good relationship as well as the kink side of things and if one does not work then the other will crash and burn eventually and usually messily as well.

You need to be honest with yourself as well as him and I always recommend a time limit, if things have not changed in a set period of time then they never will.

 

[CutieMouse]

Is the relationship currently online or off? How often do you see each other?

 

[SpiritRider]

New sub or not, the basics are still the same.
Communicate, communicate, communicate...then communicate some more.

If he's unwilling then pffft. Gone in a puff of smoke.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I guess I'm feeling so upset is because i dont feel like I'm seeing other aspects of him? I mean I've shared alot about myself, he knows a great deal of me but whenever its something intimate about family and friends; its always a curt concise answer, never an elaboration. And when it comes to me I want him to know all there is about me and i end up rambling off about some family gathering which ends with me talking about some removed distant cousin (im exaggerating).

Is it wrong of me to want to know as much as i want to know of him and to be turned off when it seems like hes unwilling to do so? I mean I did expect this to have some semblance of an actual relationship not just the lovely kink.
Maybe hes not who he say he is (dangers of the online community)

There are a number of reasons he may not want to provide "intimate details" about his life. One, of course, is that he's married, or a priest, or a registered sexual predator, or an UNregistered sexual predator. OTOH, he may not have good relationships with his family, and may never have had good relationships with them, and therefore doesn't want to, and doesn't really know how to, respond to your wider (presumed good) relationships with your family. You need to determine which of these alternatives (and the many others) he falls under, in order to understand why he's not "sharing" more with you. (And then again, he just might be one of those men who just doesn't know how to talk about familial relationships and his feelings. )

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hes been the macho Dom (god i feel like I'm bad mouthing him) always rough, do this, do that. I guess I'm feeling so upset is because i dont feel like I'm seeing other aspects of him?

If his style doesn't work for you, and if he can't change his style, then-- he's not the right guy for you. He's not the guy you can feel is a close friend. It might not be his fault, and he might be perfect for someone else, some other woman.

But not for you.

Not for you.

 

[coatcheckgirl]

Bottom line is, no one should be uncomfortable in any relationship, online or off. If he won't acknowledge your concerns - pick yourself up and walk away. Life is too short.

You are worth more.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

All judgement and explanations of who and what and why aside, if the relationship doesn't feed you then eventually you will starve. You can't change people, but you CAN make the decision to stay or leave...to eat or starve.

Sounds like this relationship may have taught you a lot more about what you are really looking for, so maybe you can just be grateful for that... and to him, and then consider letting him go so that you can both move on to claiming what you REALLY want/need.

Best wishes & a big hug to you...this heart strain stuff is never easy.

 

[midwestyankee]

I do have one piece of slightly unrelated advice: please lose the centered, colored text when you post here. I read your initial post when it first appeared and immediately judged that you were not a serious person. That's clearly not accurate, based on how you've continued the discussion, but chances are good that I'm not the only one who judged you thus.

Now, to your actual question: a bdsm relationship is a relationship first and foremost. The bdsm-y stuff is frosting on the cake. Find the cake, and then lick the frosting.

 

[ItsSecretlyMe]

I do have one piece of slightly unrelated advice: please lose the centered, colored text when you post here. I read your initial post when it first appeared and immediately judged that you were not a serious person. That's clearly not accurate, based on how you've continued the discussion, but chances are good that I'm not the only one who judged you thus.

Maybe you shouldn't judge a poster solely based on the fact that they type in color Mr Yankee? Also it doesn't bother me if you or others didn't take me seriously because i did so. for every person that did not there will be someone else who will. case point : all the kind people that replied above and left such nice advice.

Now, to your actual question: a bdsm relationship is a relationship first and foremost. The bdsm-y stuff is frosting on the cake. Find the cake, and then lick the frosting.

Thank you; Ill Remember this

Sounds like this relationship may have taught you a lot more about what you are really looking for, so maybe you can just be grateful for that... and to him, and then consider letting him go so that you can both move on to claiming what you REALLY want/need.

Best wishes & a big hug to you...this heart strain stuff is never easy.

Miss Cali i thank you for the wishes and the hug ! Your right i did learn a lot because of him; Which I'm completely grateful for. Your ate or starve advice really hit home, especially when i found out hes been seeking out others.....so though he might not know it....its the end of the line for me.

Thank you for your honest advice

Bottom line is, no one should be uncomfortable in any relationship, online or off. If he won't acknowledge your concerns - pick yourself up and walk away. Life is too short.

You are worth more.

Miss Coat Check; Thank you for reminding me of my usual mindset. Its funny how you can forget things when you care for someone.
im hitting the road .

Would you put up with this in a "vanilla" relationship? If the answer is no then why would you put up with in in a non vanilla one? and if he tries to pull the "oh but a true submissive would not feel that way" then tell him to build a bridge and jump off it.

I feel that a kink relationship is really a two for one deal, you need to make sure that the foundation is there for a good relationship as well as the kink side of things and if one does not work then the other will crash and burn eventually and usually messily as well.

You need to be honest with yourself as well as him and I always recommend a time limit, if things have not changed in a set period of time then they never will.

Miss Kiwi; Your completely and utterly correct. no way would i put up with this in a vanilla, so im not gonna put up with it anymore.



Thank you everyone in my time of insecurity and indecisiveness; I have recently found good reason to end said relationship which only compounds the feelings i had been dealing with earlier. Im tired and exhausted, but Im finished. Best part is, he doesnt even know whats coming towards him

 

[Primalex]

Maybe you shouldn't judge a poster solely based on the fact that they type in color Mr Yankee?

Maybe not.

Maybe.

Can we judge you for what you write then?

So, after you learned that YOU are unhappy in your relationship, because he didn't give you the attention you wanted, you decide that this is a sufficient justification for a proper, as in hurtful and surprising, payback? Or how should I read:"Best part is, he doesnt even know whats coming towards him"?

 

[ItsSecretlyMe]

Maybe not.

Maybe.

Can we judge you for what you write then?

So, after you learned that YOU are unhappy in your relationship, because he didn't give you the attention you wanted, you decide that this is a sufficient justification for a proper, as in hurtful and surprising, payback? Or how should I read:"Best part is, he doesnt even know whats coming towards him"?

do as you will Prima But if you would had read carefully (which you didn't) you would have read that this thread was started because my Dom was ignoring concerns that i have made clear. Lack of attention was never mentioned, you fabricated that yourself . Payback? You read a bit into that. Maybe thats something you might be into, but i am not. Maybe i should have stated that i was going to speak my mind to him and tell him what i really thought..... but i didnt really think that would matter considering, since this site is full of adults with different kinks and personalities I expected not be judged in my search for advice, i did also say i didn't welcome any condescending or criticizing post, of which you are guilty of both . Just because i am a sub doesnt mean i do not have a back bone. ALSO if you again would have read my most recent post..... you would have seen that my Dom has been seeking out others......i signed up for monogamous, but seeing as you ignored all these things, because you think my supposed "payback" is worth judging me. I could really careless what a person who quickly assumes and makes an ass out of their self thinks

Toodles and thanks for your "useful" input, twas greatly appreciated.

 

[Primalex]

do as you will Prima

Always.

if you again would have read my most recent post..... you would have seen that my Dom has been seeking out others......

Oh, you want that people read your posts AND you insist on using crappy colors to reduce visual contrast and make it more difficult for people to read your posts? That's a bit inconsistent, isn't it? If you want that people read all your posts and everything you've written, maybe you shouldn't put obstacles in the way, just because you believe it's beautiful.

i did also say i didn't welcome any condescending or criticizing post, of which you are guilty of both . Just because i am a sub doesnt mean i do not have a back bone.

Just because you pretend to be a sub doesn't mean I have to listen to your wishes.

Anyway, you wrote a lot, but still refused to explain what you wanted to express with "Best part is, he doesnt even know whats coming towards him".

 

[ItsSecretlyMe]

Always.



Oh, you want that people read your posts AND you insist on using crappy colors to reduce visual contrast and make it more difficult for people to read your posts? That's a bit inconsistent, isn't it? If you want that people read all your posts and everything you've written, maybe you shouldn't put obstacles in the way, just because you believe it's beautiful.



Just because you pretend to be a sub doesn't mean I have to listen to your wishes.

Anyway, you wrote a lot, but still refused to explain what you wanted to express with "Best part is, he doesnt even know whats coming towards him".

I've never spoken to someone so immature. I'll amuse you and write in boring ole text for your drama queenly sake. I did explain what i wanted to express with that line you just again failed to read it. let me make it easy for you since its such a hard task to read a paragraph

Payback? You read a bit into that. Maybe thats something you might be into, but i am not. Maybe i should have stated that i was going to speak my mind to him and tell him what i really thought..... but i didnt really think that would matter considering, since this site is full of adults with different kinks and personalities I expected not be judged in my search for advice

PHEW what a work out finding said answer, i think my eye balls almost popped out reading that horrible purple text

Alot of misunderstanding is being made on your part due to your readiness to accuse. I'm not pretending to be anything, I know what i am. i also know what you are.

I don't even know why I'm amusing your ignorance any further. Especially because all of your " accusations/ questions" can be answered by my other posts.

Oh wait I'm sorry you didn't read them thoroughly, because my text color bothered your eyes. Well thats unfortunate because its seems like 210 people have checked my thread already and theres only been two complaints thus far.

Do you tend to pick fights randomly and ignorantly without reason? Or is it something you do when your bored with your life?

 

[midwestyankee]

Maybe you shouldn't judge a poster solely based on the fact that they type in color Mr Yankee? Also it doesn't bother me if you or others didn't take me seriously because i did so. for every person that did not there will be someone else who will. case point : all the kind people that replied above and left such nice advice.



Thank you; Ill Remember this

What's with the refusal to capitalize your first person pronoun? Are you not worth capitalizing?

 

[ItsSecretlyMe]

Didn't feel the need to yankee. Completely legible without doing so :] has nothing to do with worth.

 

[midwestyankee]

Didn't feel the need to yankee. Completely legible without doing so :] has nothing to do with worth.

So is this i thing something you've been doing for decades or is it meant to signify something sort of bdsm-ish?

 

[ItsSecretlyMe]

So is this i thing something you've been doing for decades or is it meant to signify something sort of bdsm-ish?

Just me writing informally on the web; has nothing to do with bdsm.

 

[midwestyankee]

Just me writing informally on the web; has nothing to do with bdsm.

Fair enough.

Welcome. This is a pretty good crowd and you'll generally get what you're looking for as long as you make like you want to get along with folks. But stay away from anyone who offers gum or cookies.

 

[ItsSecretlyMe]

Fair enough.

Welcome. This is a pretty good crowd and you'll generally get what you're looking for as long as you make like you want to get along with folks. But stay away from anyone who offers gum or cookies.

Thank you for the welcome I tend to play nice with everyone unless i feel disrespected or outed for no reason.

Darn I like gum and cookies

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Fair enough.

Welcome. This is a pretty good crowd and you'll generally get what you're looking for as long as you make like you want to get along with folks. But stay away from anyone who offers gum or cookies.

Thank you for the welcome I tend to play nice with everyone unless i feel disrespected or outed for no reason.

Darn I like gum and cookies

Actually, the gum is usually pretty safe. It's the gracie cookies you have to watch out for. They sneak up on you in here sometimes, and what happens next can be ... explosive.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Apparently our OP has figured out "he's just not that into you."

Not a good match, lessons learned, enjoy the memories and continue to march. Can I toss in a couple more cliche's here?