Hi. I have a problem, and based on what I've read so far on this board, I'm thinking I could really use your input.
I've been with a lady for over a year-and-a-half. But we've been "friendly" for at least twice that time. We met in the University dorms, couldn't stand each other, and so eventually became friends. Both single, both having had bad luck with the opposite sex, we hooked up on a few lonely nights. They multiplied. Eventually, we moved in together (from the dorm's single to double rooms - no commitment, easy to break off). After five months of cohabitation, we decided we should probably consider ourselves an item. Not much fire-breathing passion there, it was a decision more than a romantic declaration. But we also came to understand each other, fundamentally. Our flaws, our weaknesses. She became a compass which could keep me centered and on course.
Fact is, I have a penchant for self-destruction. I don't drink, mostly because I don't trust myself when I get down. I know I can't go there - it could very well kill me. No drugs, nothing that might make the beast destroy what life I've made for myself. But one of the beast's longings is for lustful, blind, uncalculated and raunchy sex with a complete stranger. To go into a club, pick up and fuck.
Here's my background on this all-too-common desire which is destroying my serenity: I've spent my life being very small. I was stepped on in high-school, went to the prom alone and basically never got to dance with a girl I found even remotely attractive. I was, as we say, a loser. Not because I was ugly, stupid, clumsy or naive - I wasn't any better nor worse than anyone else out there. No, I offered myself my status on a silver platter because of my timidity. So shy, I couldn't breathe when I needed to speak. So terrified of being rejected, that rejection inevitably ensued. So I never took any chances, never dared.
In a sense, I feel like I never really lived. I just watched from the sidelines, lost in the "what ifs".
And then came along my sweet. She was brilliant, generous and wise. She kicked my ass into dropping out of a nowhere field of study which I hated but did out of resignation and to pursue a wild and impossible dream. I'm living that dream now, professionally. Still a student, but thriving in a discipline which I once could only fantasize about. She's basically validated my entire life, in that sense.
But with that validation came the longing for what I'd deprived myself in those dark years of doubt. I found myself staring at bodies and dreaming of orgies. Acting like a fourteen year-old ten years after the fact. Whereas once, I was so ashamed of the stereotypical "male pig" that I successfully repressed all my impulses, now I found myself wanting. Not caring so much about the label some might tag me with. After all, the same traits some cried out as disgusting were also the object of their wet dreams. So I imagined what it would be like to go out and flaunt my body, flaunt everything I had to show and make indecent proposals to the right type of gals.
Because I never had the courage to take a slap across the face, I never asked for the fulfillment of my desires. But now, because of what my consort has brought me in self-esteem and love, it obsesses me. So much so that I can't stop rambling about it on this thread!
The catch-22 is that I wouldn't be in this spot if it hadn't been for her support in everything I do. She single-handedly habilitated me. But I am in this spot, and I don't know how to deal with it. It's not merely a craving - that I could thwart. It's an all-consuming itch which, I honestly feel, won't go away until I scratch it.
So now what? Kill something people spend their lives looking for? Do I go debauch myself behind her back and get rid of this illusion I'm perpetuating with every new scenario I create? Friends have told me that what she doesn't know can't hurt her. But when the relationship is based on trust more than anything, how do you sleep in the same bed knowing you've betrayed her? How do you look into her eyes and not feel like you've degraded her by making her a fool who's being played? I don't think I could do that. In fact, I know I couldn't.
Ideally, we would take a six month sabatical from our relationship, we'd move apart, I'd go ballistic on the night scene and then, as always occurs (or so I've been told), I'd long to be in the warmth and security of a loving and trusting bosom. But that kind of thing just ain't going to happen. Not while she's got self-respect.
Another sordid twist is that she's a great lay. She's horny as they come (except she doesn't dig chicks, which is - of course - a shame) and she's even left the door open to possible swinging (so long as we're both doing it in a controlled environment where each knows about the other's activities). But I'm just not interested. Not because she isn't hot, not because of anything except that it's something I can expect. It's too easy, I guess. When she goes down on me, I don't feel a thrill. At all. And we've tried tricks, it just doesn't click. I want dirty, dangerous, forbidden sex. And even if it's my undoing, I'm thinking it's eventually going to get the better of me.
I'm thinking too much along the lines of Warren Beatty: Get laid and have intense romances until you've gotten it out of your system. Then, when the time is right, settle down. But how do I tear away from my girlfriend? In a sense, it's like if we were already married: I hold her higher than any of my family (another pathetic tale) and am in the second month of a 12-month lease with her. I feel trapped, not because she's flawed, but because I feel like I need to get out before I can move in.
And I'm terrified by the prospect of being alone. Those high-school ghosts still haunt me, and I don't know that I'd survive on my own. I don't know that I'd even go out. Chances are, I'd bury myself in my apartment and read literotica stories about adultery and incest while jacking off... like I do now...
So now you know just how sad a case I am. Turns my stomach, but I have to vent this, and many of you seem to be compassionate and open-minded, even if honest. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreaciated...
-M-
I've been with a lady for over a year-and-a-half. But we've been "friendly" for at least twice that time. We met in the University dorms, couldn't stand each other, and so eventually became friends. Both single, both having had bad luck with the opposite sex, we hooked up on a few lonely nights. They multiplied. Eventually, we moved in together (from the dorm's single to double rooms - no commitment, easy to break off). After five months of cohabitation, we decided we should probably consider ourselves an item. Not much fire-breathing passion there, it was a decision more than a romantic declaration. But we also came to understand each other, fundamentally. Our flaws, our weaknesses. She became a compass which could keep me centered and on course.
Fact is, I have a penchant for self-destruction. I don't drink, mostly because I don't trust myself when I get down. I know I can't go there - it could very well kill me. No drugs, nothing that might make the beast destroy what life I've made for myself. But one of the beast's longings is for lustful, blind, uncalculated and raunchy sex with a complete stranger. To go into a club, pick up and fuck.
Here's my background on this all-too-common desire which is destroying my serenity: I've spent my life being very small. I was stepped on in high-school, went to the prom alone and basically never got to dance with a girl I found even remotely attractive. I was, as we say, a loser. Not because I was ugly, stupid, clumsy or naive - I wasn't any better nor worse than anyone else out there. No, I offered myself my status on a silver platter because of my timidity. So shy, I couldn't breathe when I needed to speak. So terrified of being rejected, that rejection inevitably ensued. So I never took any chances, never dared.
In a sense, I feel like I never really lived. I just watched from the sidelines, lost in the "what ifs".
And then came along my sweet. She was brilliant, generous and wise. She kicked my ass into dropping out of a nowhere field of study which I hated but did out of resignation and to pursue a wild and impossible dream. I'm living that dream now, professionally. Still a student, but thriving in a discipline which I once could only fantasize about. She's basically validated my entire life, in that sense.
But with that validation came the longing for what I'd deprived myself in those dark years of doubt. I found myself staring at bodies and dreaming of orgies. Acting like a fourteen year-old ten years after the fact. Whereas once, I was so ashamed of the stereotypical "male pig" that I successfully repressed all my impulses, now I found myself wanting. Not caring so much about the label some might tag me with. After all, the same traits some cried out as disgusting were also the object of their wet dreams. So I imagined what it would be like to go out and flaunt my body, flaunt everything I had to show and make indecent proposals to the right type of gals.
Because I never had the courage to take a slap across the face, I never asked for the fulfillment of my desires. But now, because of what my consort has brought me in self-esteem and love, it obsesses me. So much so that I can't stop rambling about it on this thread!
The catch-22 is that I wouldn't be in this spot if it hadn't been for her support in everything I do. She single-handedly habilitated me. But I am in this spot, and I don't know how to deal with it. It's not merely a craving - that I could thwart. It's an all-consuming itch which, I honestly feel, won't go away until I scratch it.
So now what? Kill something people spend their lives looking for? Do I go debauch myself behind her back and get rid of this illusion I'm perpetuating with every new scenario I create? Friends have told me that what she doesn't know can't hurt her. But when the relationship is based on trust more than anything, how do you sleep in the same bed knowing you've betrayed her? How do you look into her eyes and not feel like you've degraded her by making her a fool who's being played? I don't think I could do that. In fact, I know I couldn't.
Ideally, we would take a six month sabatical from our relationship, we'd move apart, I'd go ballistic on the night scene and then, as always occurs (or so I've been told), I'd long to be in the warmth and security of a loving and trusting bosom. But that kind of thing just ain't going to happen. Not while she's got self-respect.
Another sordid twist is that she's a great lay. She's horny as they come (except she doesn't dig chicks, which is - of course - a shame) and she's even left the door open to possible swinging (so long as we're both doing it in a controlled environment where each knows about the other's activities). But I'm just not interested. Not because she isn't hot, not because of anything except that it's something I can expect. It's too easy, I guess. When she goes down on me, I don't feel a thrill. At all. And we've tried tricks, it just doesn't click. I want dirty, dangerous, forbidden sex. And even if it's my undoing, I'm thinking it's eventually going to get the better of me.
I'm thinking too much along the lines of Warren Beatty: Get laid and have intense romances until you've gotten it out of your system. Then, when the time is right, settle down. But how do I tear away from my girlfriend? In a sense, it's like if we were already married: I hold her higher than any of my family (another pathetic tale) and am in the second month of a 12-month lease with her. I feel trapped, not because she's flawed, but because I feel like I need to get out before I can move in.
And I'm terrified by the prospect of being alone. Those high-school ghosts still haunt me, and I don't know that I'd survive on my own. I don't know that I'd even go out. Chances are, I'd bury myself in my apartment and read literotica stories about adultery and incest while jacking off... like I do now...
So now you know just how sad a case I am. Turns my stomach, but I have to vent this, and many of you seem to be compassionate and open-minded, even if honest. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreaciated...
-M-
