Adult Male Virgin....Need Help!!!

[Boobalicious28]

I have been reading through the boards and various stories for a while now, but I have been unable to find any real information to help me out in my current situation...ANY help would be greatly appreciated!

My fiance and I have been together for almost four years, and we are getting married soon. I am super excited and he is the love of my life and my best friend. I'm not nervous about the wedding at all...but after.

I have learned through various websites that my FH is what is called an Adult Male Virgin (which apparently is really rare). He is 33 years old and has never had sex. We were both upfront with each other when we started dating and he told me that he was a virgin before we ever went on our first date. I, likewise, told him that I was not a virgin.

That was all fine and good, and I won't lie...it has been hard for me. I haven't had sex or an orgasm in almost five years! Now that we are so close to the big day I find myself freaking out about what this is going to be like.

I should clarify that in the four years that we have been together all we have ever done is kiss. I tried to touch him once at about a year in and he told me to stop that we were moving too fast. Since then...I haven't tried. He is completely clueless and I think he is probably scared (he won't talk to me about it).

I want it to be good for him (and logically...I know by default it will be), but I'm concerned that it is really going to freak him out because we have literally had no build up to the moment what so ever....we will be going from nothing...having not even been naked in front of each other...to having sex. It freaks me out and I have had sex before lol!

I guess my main questions are:
1) What should I expect from him? (I haven't ever been with a virgin)
2) Is there anything "less sexual" that I could do before hand to prepare him in the next couple of months before our wedding?
3) Is this just going to be really horrible and suck?!? If so, for how long?

 

[Typo Fu Master]

I guess my main questions are:
1) What should I expect from him? (I haven't ever been with a virgin)
2) Is there anything "less sexual" that I could do before hand to prepare him in the next couple of months before our wedding?
3) Is this just going to be really horrible and suck?!? If so, for how long?

1) Everyone is different so it's hard to say. Is he pure? Does he have any sexual knowledge at all? Has he ever watched porn? Has he masturbated?

2) I'm drawing a blank other than "showing him the goods." I presume you live with each other? Do you make a special effort to remain clothed? Perhaps talking about what he's comfortable with. Difficult to say right now because I know nothing about his sexual history. You say you haven't had sex or an orgasm in almost 5 years. I think you're depriving yourself for no good reason. Maybe he would enjoy watching you masturbate for him.

3) Again, it's hard to say. Everyone is different. Speaking from experience, I lost my virginity at 22 but I've been interested in porn since I was old enough to get a hard on and I enjoyed myself. Depending on how much he knows, you may be working with a blank slate. Be prepared to take the lead. He probably is self conscious of still being a virgin.

 

[Boobalicious28]

Thanks for the insight Typo! I'm assuming that has masturbated. Let's say like 99.9% sure Same goes for porn...I don't think he is impotent or not interested.
When I asked him why (just curious not judging) four years ago he told me that he had always thought he would have lost his virginity by that point, but that it just never happened because he wanted to wait for the right person...and then all of a sudden he was 29 and still hadn't had sex.

There is a religious aspect to it, but not to the extent that most people would assume. We don't live together, but we have slept in the same bed numerous times. He shows interest...like if we are swimming (I have a private pool) he will untie my top, but if I try to pursue then he tells me to stop. He likes my boobs, and has felt me up (probably should have said that earlier), but only when I MAKE him...he won't initiate. He has motor-boated a couple of times...but again...I made him do it...and he hasn't done it on his own or even asked if he could.

Forget me trying anything on him...he won't even let me touch him...and I have tried several times.

I have tried to talk to him, but he always gets really defensive. I try to be very understanding and supportive of him...I can wait...it is only a couple of months, but he just doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. I'm sure it is embarrassing in his mind (I think it is kind of sweet).

As far as the whole masturbating thing on my end goes...yeah I probably am punishing myself. I used to be able to have multiple orgasms...not a huge feat to get me to come, but I can't do it by myself. I know that I would be able to get off with a toy of some kind, but I think that is really unfair to him. I worry that if I were to get used to getting off with a toy that I wouldn't be able to get off without one. He doesn't have the ability to vibrate and I think it would be a big slam to his ego if he doesn't even have a fighting chance to get me off.

Again, thanks for your input! If you don't mind me asking....I'm curious as to what was going through your head before you lost your virginity. Was there anything you were worried about in particular...would you have done anything different? Anything you wish she would have done for you? I know these are super personal questions, and if you don't want to answer that is cool. People really don't like talking about guys being virgins...don't mind talking about virgin girls so much lol

 

[culloden]

Talk, talk, talk! Get this resolved. I'm sorry, but there are red flags all over the place. What guy, who isn't deeply religious, turns down sex with his girl for 5 minutes, never mind 5 years? I'd be worried that there might be some deeper seated fear of sex at play here, and that his virginity has been an excuse to avoid the issue. Are you sure things will improve after marriage? Really, people don't change once they get married. If having a sexual relationship with your FH matters to you, you need to deal with this now, before signing on the dotted line.

 

[salaciouslady]

Talk, talk, talk! Get this resolved. I'm sorry, but there are red flags all over the place. What guy, who isn't deeply religious, turns down sex with his girl for 5 minutes, never mind 5 years? I'd be worried that there might be some deeper seated fear of sex at play here, and that his virginity has been an excuse to avoid the issue. Are you sure things will improve after marriage? Really, people don't change once they get married. If having a sexual relationship with your FH matters to you, you need to deal with this now, before signing on the dotted line.

I so agree with this. I mean, we are talking a 5 year time line. And why not ask him about sex after marriage? What are his feelings? When is the big day?

 

[Christopher2012]

Just shooting from the hip here, but I think he may have a "size" issue.

I'm a 24-year-old virgin. So, I can relate. But I have a shitload of problems. Sooooo... yeah.

 

[Boobalicious28]

Thanks for all of your input! I know that I do need to try to talk to him again. I'm trying to come up with different avenues for approach to help avoid him getting defensive. I'm committed to him whether or not we have a great sex life, but I was just hoping for some ideas on how to make this less traumatic for the both of us lol

 

[fire_breeze]

I have been reading through the boards and various stories for a while now, but I have been unable to find any real information to help me out in my current situation...ANY help would be greatly appreciated!

Welcome to Lit.

I'm not married, but I also know that before making that kind of commitment, there are a few things the couple need to be clear about: children, finance, life goals and sex. What I am going to do is pick apart a few things that raised a red flag to me - please do not take it as a way of my trying to cause doubt. I just don't want to see anyone get hurt

My fiance and I have been together for almost four years, and we are getting married soon. I am super excited and he is the love of my life and my best friend. I'm not nervous about the wedding at all...but after.

I have learned through various websites that my FH is what is called an Adult Male Virgin (which apparently is really rare). He is 33 years old and has never had sex. We were both upfront with each other when we started dating and he told me that he was a virgin before we ever went on our first date. I, likewise, told him that I was not a virgin.

May I suggest that you sit him down in a non-threatening, non-sexual environment and have a frank and open discussion about sex before you walk down the aisle? Sex is an integral part of any intimate relationship and you both need to be on the same page on it. It's fine and dandy that you both decide to remain celibate until marriage, but these are decisions that you both, as a couple, need to take together. A lot of things that you have mentioned doesn't add up.

That was all fine and good, and I won't lie...it has been hard for me. I haven't had sex or an orgasm in almost five years! Now that we are so close to the big day I find myself freaking out about what this is going to be like.

You said below that you don't want to be reliant on toys, but this is a bit excessive - the question is why - and there seems to be more at play than not wanting to bruise a fragile ego.

I should clarify that in the four years that we have been together all we have ever done is kiss. I tried to touch him once at about a year in and he told me to stop that we were moving too fast. Since then...I haven't tried. He is completely clueless and I think he is probably scared (he won't talk to me about it).

I want it to be good for him (and logically...I know by default it will be), but I'm concerned that it is really going to freak him out because we have literally had no build up to the moment what so ever....we will be going from nothing...having not even been naked in front of each other...to having sex. It freaks me out and I have had sex before lol!

I guess my main questions are:
1) What should I expect from him? (I haven't ever been with a virgin)
2) Is there anything "less sexual" that I could do before hand to prepare him in the next couple of months before our wedding?
3) Is this just going to be really horrible and suck?!? If so, for how long?

Thanks for the insight Typo! I'm assuming that has masturbated. Let's say like 99.9% sure Same goes for porn...I don't think he is impotent or not interested.
When I asked him why (just curious not judging) four years ago he told me that he had always thought he would have lost his virginity by that point, but that it just never happened because he wanted to wait for the right person...and then all of a sudden he was 29 and still hadn't had sex.

Why is he hesitant pursuing a sexual relationship? Yes, a year into it, he thought that you were moving too fast - well, more than a year has passed. Yes, before you, the opportunity didn't present itself, as indicated below. It happens. But, assumedly, the right person has come along in his life (ie YOU), why not have sex?

There is a religious aspect to it, but not to the extent that most people would assume. We don't live together, but we have slept in the same bed numerous times. He shows interest...like if we are swimming (I have a private pool) he will untie my top, but if I try to pursue then he tells me to stop. He likes my boobs, and has felt me up (probably should have said that earlier), but only when I MAKE him...he won't initiate. He has motor-boated a couple of times...but again...I made him do it...and he hasn't done it on his own or even asked if he could.

Making someone doing something sexually is rarely a good idea. It's coercion and can lead to bitterness and resentment down the road.

Forget me trying anything on him...he won't even let me touch him...and I have tried several times.

Has he given any explanation why he has rejected your advances and why he won't let you touch him?

I have tried to talk to him, but he always gets really defensive. I try to be very understanding and supportive of him...I can wait...it is only a couple of months, but he just doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. I'm sure it is embarrassing in his mind (I think it is kind of sweet).

This should raise some red flags. You tried to talk to him - and he got defensive. Several questions: how often did you try to talk with him and how? And how did he get offensive? In my mind, being able to talk about sex in healthy and open manner is a (if not the) hallmark of a healthy communicative relationship.

It's kinda sweet for a few months, but not for four years. He's 33, not 13. Granted, he's a virgin, but there is a vast difference between being shy and being defensive.
And you can wait for what? That after marriage he will open up and talk about sex?

As far as the whole masturbating thing on my end goes...yeah I probably am punishing myself. I used to be able to have multiple orgasms...not a huge feat to get me to come, but I can't do it by myself. I know that I would be able to get off with a toy of some kind, but I think that is really unfair to him. I worry that if I were to get used to getting off with a toy that I wouldn't be able to get off without one. He doesn't have the ability to vibrate and I think it would be a big slam to his ego if he doesn't even have a fighting chance to get me off.

Why is it unfair to him that you masturbate and get off? A lot of women (and men) who are in relationships masturbate with toys. A lot of couples incorporate toys into their intimate lives. It's one thing to enjoy the toy, it's another thing to be completely reliant on them.
And again, there's that ego thing you brought up...

Again, thanks for your input! If you don't mind me asking....I'm curious as to what was going through your head before you lost your virginity. Was there anything you were worried about in particular...would you have done anything different? Anything you wish she would have done for you? I know these are super personal questions, and if you don't want to answer that is cool. People really don't like talking about guys being virgins...don't mind talking about virgin girls so much lol

Now here's the difficult question: what if he doesn't change after marriage? Can you handle minimal, if any, sex?

We all have faults, we all have bad few months (or even years) in which stress overwhelms us: these are the times when support is important and yes, when you don't want to bruise egos. HOWEVER, unless he's been under tremendous amount of stress for the past 4 years, which he then should take a good look at and deal with it, there's something that is not adding up. It seems to me, and I don't know if I'm right or not, that you have been concerned about his ego for the past 4 years.

I truly do not want to cause doubt. But marriage is a pretty big deal and sex is a part of the equation. I truly encourage you to talk with your fiancé before the ceremony and talk talk talk until you have complete answers before you walk down the aisle. IF you decide that you can deal with what you hear, that is your decision. At least then, you won't have any surprises.

Good luck

 

[Plutarch]

Have you considered the possibility that he's gay?

 

[Typo Fu Master]

Thanks for the insight Typo! I'm assuming that has masturbated. Let's say like 99.9% sure Same goes for porn...I don't think he is impotent or not interested.
When I asked him why (just curious not judging) four years ago he told me that he had always thought he would have lost his virginity by that point, but that it just never happened because he wanted to wait for the right person...and then all of a sudden he was 29 and still hadn't had sex.

There is a religious aspect to it, but not to the extent that most people would assume. We don't live together, but we have slept in the same bed numerous times. He shows interest...like if we are swimming (I have a private pool) he will untie my top, but if I try to pursue then he tells me to stop. He likes my boobs, and has felt me up (probably should have said that earlier), but only when I MAKE him...he won't initiate. He has motor-boated a couple of times...but again...I made him do it...and he hasn't done it on his own or even asked if he could.

Forget me trying anything on him...he won't even let me touch him...and I have tried several times.

I have tried to talk to him, but he always gets really defensive. I try to be very understanding and supportive of him...I can wait...it is only a couple of months, but he just doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. I'm sure it is embarrassing in his mind (I think it is kind of sweet).

I can't help feeling religion plays a bigger part than you suspect but I only have what you've said to go on. It could also be aggravated by insecurity and embarrassment as you suggest.

As far as the whole masturbating thing on my end goes...yeah I probably am punishing myself. I used to be able to have multiple orgasms...not a huge feat to get me to come, but I can't do it by myself. I know that I would be able to get off with a toy of some kind, but I think that is really unfair to him. I worry that if I were to get used to getting off with a toy that I wouldn't be able to get off without one. He doesn't have the ability to vibrate and I think it would be a big slam to his ego if he doesn't even have a fighting chance to get me off.

If it's unfair to him it's even more unfair to you. It's YOUR body and YOUR desires and while it's commendable that you're showing restraint it's frankly none of his damn business if you feel like rubbing one out. Just my opinion.

Again, thanks for your input! If you don't mind me asking....I'm curious as to what was going through your head before you lost your virginity. Was there anything you were worried about in particular...would you have done anything different? Anything you wish she would have done for you? I know these are super personal questions, and if you don't want to answer that is cool. People really don't like talking about guys being virgins...don't mind talking about virgin girls so much lol

It's been 22 years ....

Probably my greatest fear, and I suspect it's fairly common, was lasting long enough to satisfy her.

If I could go back, I think I'd have spent more time on foreplay.

At the time I was grateful for simply getting laid.

I've got an anal fetish but I wasn't able to get up the courage to try it or talk about it until we were together awhile.

 

[Strangebuddy]

hmmm...there are some serious red flags here. I am a virgin in real life (so much as having done everything but penetrative sex) but if I was in a relationship I wouldn't be avoiding the subject.

I don't suppose you could tell us anything more about you and your fiance? Like, is he an introvert normally? How did he get defensive? What areas do you two connect in? What made you accept his proposal? This might tell a bit more about him and help you come with a proper approach for tackling the subject.

Really, you two should at least be comfortable being naked around each other (after five years especially). After you have your talk (and don't let him duck out of it. Stress how important sex is to you and that, while you'll wait, you need to know that it is going to happen) you might want to see about inviting him over, closing all the blinds and just walking around in next to nothing or even naked. Promise him you won't try anything unless he wants to (and stick to it, coercing him to touch you is a bad thing) you just want him to be comfortable being naked in front of you.

As for you masturbating...do it. You're not being unfair to him and after five years, you need it. In fact, if your in your house right now, go into the shower, go to your bedroom, wherever you want, and just go to town. If nothing else you'll probably feel a lot more relaxed

 

[Eilan]

Please don't get married until the two of you work this out.

 

[ohjanesays]

First of all, there's nothing wrong with being an adult male virgin. I'm sure you've told him that because you seem genuinely nice and supportive to your FH throughout the years. Would it help to know that I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and he's still one as well?

He sounds like he might be a little asexual or maybe something just happened to him that he's hesitant to move in that direction. If you ask him what he likes and ease him in that direction, it might work.

But you should masturbate My boyfriend used to not masturbate because he didn't feel right without me, but I didn't think that was really necessary. It's sweet, but I don't think yours will be hurt by it. At least I hope not.

Also, I can only get off by myself. My boyfriend can't seem to no matter how hard he tries and it makes me feel bad, but it doesn't bother him. The reason being, I can use my hand, and he can help me in other ways that makes it way more intense than if it was just me. I don't think it would be a big slam to your FH's ego if he couldn't, but as long as he could help, I think it would still be good. Plus if you're multi-orgasmic, I'm sure he could get you off if you guide him.

I don't see that many red flags as other posters, but I do agree that you should probably sort this out before marriage.

 

[amofiga]

<<< Forget me trying anything on him...he won't even let me touch him...and I have tried several times. >>>>

Boobalicious, this sort of thing would concern me if I were a woman and it would concern me if I were planning to marry an older female virgin. It's one thing to "preserve" yourself for the right person but once finding what is supposed to be the right person to marry, I would think that the flood gates would open and either man or woman would be anxious to learn and explore with the person they trust enough to marry. I suggest that you really really know what the story is here because once you marry, it will be much harder to "un-marry". There is an old saying that you can't change someone after you marry them. Whatever it was that concerned you prior to marriage will only get worse after marriage. If you are a very sexual person and he isn't, then you could be in for years of frustration and could end up being tempted to find it somewhere else. Not a good thing. Good luck no matter what.

 

[Lord Pmann]

First of all, there's nothing wrong with being an adult male virgin. I'm sure you've told him that because you seem genuinely nice and supportive to your FH throughout the years. Would it help to know that I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and he's still one as well?

He sounds like he might be a little asexual or maybe something just happened to him that he's hesitant to move in that direction. If you ask him what he likes and ease him in that direction, it might work.

But you should masturbate My boyfriend used to not masturbate because he didn't feel right without me, but I didn't think that was really necessary. It's sweet, but I don't think yours will be hurt by it. At least I hope not.

Also, I can only get off by myself. My boyfriend can't seem to no matter how hard he tries and it makes me feel bad, but it doesn't bother him. The reason being, I can use my hand, and he can help me in other ways that makes it way more intense than if it was just me. I don't think it would be a big slam to your FH's ego if he couldn't, but as long as he could help, I think it would still be good. Plus if you're multi-orgasmic, I'm sure he could get you off if you guide him.

I don't see that many red flags as other posters, but I do agree that you should probably sort this out before marriage.

A virgin after 6 years? Lies. I bet $500 this post was written by some teenage boy named Ace. Kidding.

I'll give my honest assessment here. I think there is something wrong. I don't know what. But the fact that you have to make him motorboat you? Some people are just asexual. I am leaning that he is more towards this. Religious views aside... You can't fight biology. And I think if he is 33 and a virgin he would be wanting to stick his dick in any outlet he can. Instead, he seems to be uninterested. The fact that he gets defensive is a sign that there is something wrong. He should be, by simple physiological and biological urges, rubbing his junk on anything remotely feminine and soft.

He also seems to cite no real reason. That is scary. I understand wanting to wait for personal or religious reasons. But to say, "I thought I'd be a non virgin by now, but whatever," is an odd thing to say.

I really encourage you to get counsel on this BEFORE you marry. You can read loads of stories on here about people who get married and then their spouses don't want to have sex or have little interest. The sad thing there is that many times their partners were highly sexual before marriage. Right here you have a big red flag saying he is not going to be sexual after marriage, because his desire doesn't seem to be there before marriage. Get a good counselor. Not a friend or anything like that. Go through real premarital counseling that addresses sex.

 

[Lord Pmann]

And for the record, I was a virgin until I was married.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Edit: double post

 

[Lord Pmann]

Edit: triple post

 

[Lord Pmann]

Edit: quadruple post! Damned phone!!!

 

[LadyVer]

All I can say is RED FLAGS.

 

[SweetErika]

How do you really feel about never having satisfying sex, or even being touched willingly for the rest of your life? Those a very real possibilities if you marry this man without addressing and resolving the real issues. And what if he is gay or something? How unfair would it be for him to live an unfulfilling lie?

Bottom line, you owe it to BOTH of you to sort everything out now, even if it means postponing or cancelling the wedding. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

 

[desertslave]

I "sullied" a virgin before wedlock (we were engaged, but it didn't last) many years ago. Mechanically, it's no big deal. There's no actual cherry to be sacrificed or anything. If he's masturbated to completion before, even he won't be all that surprised at the sensations.

Obviously he might fumble around and not be able to pick up on your cues for deeper/harder/faster/longer. Another time when communication is a very good thing.

The external stuff concerns me, though. Dating someone who doesn't make moves on you for FIVE years??? I will say, my ex's previous GF strung him along for about 4 years and they never had sex and she never 'gave him relief' either. (Looking back I should have run away fast. LOL)

I'm saying all of this from the perspective of an older, married woman. I've told both of my adult/near-adult children that I expect them to live together with their future SO's for at least a year before getting married, preferably longer. Sex can be a very large part of a long-term relationship, and I STRONGLY believe that knowing your are compatible before making that commitment is hugely important.

This seems to go against his principles, which I also think needs to be talked about in depth, BEFORE a further commitment. If you can't talk now, why would you believe he'll talk later? I honestly don't see how waving the magic churchy/legal bond is going to fix this. HE, in particular, needs to talk to you and you need to find out why he's still a virgin at his age. Are you prepared to live in a sexless marriage if he doesn't change?

Women who believe that they can change their men after marriage, in ANY way, are usually setting themselves up for enormous disappointments.

 

[JasonDaniel]

If this man hasn't tried to take you to bed in 4 years, you better find out what is wrong with him before you get married: you could end up with a very long and sexless marriage. Before the wedding bells, sit him down and ask some very pointed questions.

 

[subwannabe]

Sorry, haven't had time to read your other responses but my thought is that you are in a lot of trouble if you are on Literotica and you are engaged to a 33 year old virgin who you haven't done anything with except kissing in the 4 years you have been together. You are making a huge mistake if you think that a piece of paper is suddenly going to turn him into a great lover (ever). It's one thing if you are just starting to date a 29 year old virgin and quite another if you have been with him for four years and never got past first base and now you are at marriage's door. I strongly suspect there is a lot more going on here than just someone who has such high moral convictions that he has been saving himself for marriage. You at least need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what you are expecting in the sex department after the wedding. If he is uncomfortable talking about it then you need to realize ahead of time that this may be "as good as it gets" and don't whine about it afterwards.

 

[serpentwrap]

I strongly suspect boobalicious was having us on...