Adult jokes that aren't about sex

[AWhoopsieDaisy]

Consider it a challenge: tell a joke that a minor wouldn't get, without it being erotic in nature.

For example look at the "they don't even offer dental" joke from Shrek.

That's the kind of joke I'm looking forward to reading

 

[NotWise]

There are a few of those in the More Humor thread, but most of the thread is about sex.

 

[XerXesXu]

They don't even have dental Apparently, I'm still too young.

 

[Winter_Fare]

 

[TadOverdon]

Old one:

So, aliens land on Earth, they're pretty cool, very advanced, throw a big party to meet all the world's dignitaries.

The Pope is invited, and he's got one big question for the E.T.s: "Do you know of Jesus Christ on your world?"

"Oh, yeah. Great guy, Jesus. He gave us the Word, that's worked out pretty well. And he drops by every couple of months just to say 'Hi,' check up on us, helps us out quite a bit."

His Holiness is perplexed and somewhat disturbed. "Every couple of months? We've been waiting for his return for 2000 years."

The aliens are also a little puzzled. One just shrugs and says "Honestly, I think he just likes our chocolates?"

"What have chocolates got to do with anything?" the Pope demands, frustrated.

"Well, you know, the first time he visited we had a big parade for him. Gave him flowers, chocolates, all that. Why, what'd you all do for him?"

 

[Winter_Fare]

 

[Comshaw]

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her
nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic
after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town's only bar. She
commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an
alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house and left it there all
night.

Comshaw

 

[lanceGibs]

When Henry Ford died he went to heaven.
At the pearly gates he was greeted by St Peater who asked him "What have you done to gain entry here?"
Ford replied" I was an inventor,invented the Motor Car."
He was promptly put in the 'Inventors gallary'.
In company was James Watt,Edison ,Marconi and in one corner an old man with a big beard and hardly any clothes.
Ford couldn't recognise him and enquired" Who are you? What did you invent?".
"I am Adam,I invented the Motor Car".Came the retort.
Ford thought for a while and in his typical car maker tone said,"Model not good enough,The headlights are too high,the bumper too low and the inlet too close to the exhaust".
Adam thought for a while and replied"Relax you fellow, while your model may be newer,more people are still riding mine than yours".

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Mr Wibblester,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last letter as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of cr*pulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.

However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy-pirate banking houses and mickant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is, at best, a little ill-advised.


In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.
Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.
The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in Africa" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
HM customs and excise


PS. For the benefit of the USA readers, the British tax affairs are handled by
'Her Majesties Customs and Excise', being the rough equivalent of the IRS.

 

[jsmiam]

Jeffrey Dahmer to Lorena Bobbitt…

“You gonna eat that?”

 

[TarnishedPenny]

The Pope is awakened early one morning by his majordomo.

"Holiness, Holiness, wake up, wake up!"

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, the Pope replies, "What is it, my son?"

"It's an amazing day, Holiness, truly remarkable! I have good news and bad news."

"Perhaps you should give me the good news first, my son."

"Yes, Holiness. We have just received a telephone call from Jesus, the Saviour. There's no doubt it was genuine. It's the Second Coming!"

Wide awake now and smiling brightly, the Pope replied, "Well, my son, that's wonderful! We've been waiting two thousand years for this. What could possibly be bad about that?"

The majordomo's face fell.

"Well, Holiness, he was calling from Salt Lake City."

 

[purplishy]

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." ― Mark Twain

 

[Comshaw]

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." ― Mark Twain

I do love Samuel's sense of humor.

"I find the farther I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not."

"A wise man does not waste such a good commodity as lying on naught."
Mark Twain


Comshaw

 

[Comshaw]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He replied.
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.


Comshaw

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Dennis Skinner MP, in the House of Commons: Half of the Tories on the opposite bench are crooks!

The Speaker (in charge of debates): Please withdraw that statement.

Skinner: OK, half the Tories on the bench opposite are not crooks!

For guaranteed jokes the kids won't get, reference to old adverts is always good. Eg looking at any impressive or mad stunt and going, "I bet he drinks Carling Black Label."

 

[JoRay]

Jeffrey Dahmer to Lorena Bobbitt…

“You gonna eat that?”

Jeffrey Dahmer's mother to Jeffery: "I don't like your freinds."

"Then just eat the vegetables."

 

[lovecraft68]

Old one I was told when I was in my teens and didn't get then, but learned to appreciate years later.

"What's the definition of mixed emotions?"
"Watching your brand new car go off a cliff....with your mother in law in it"

 

[Handley_Page]

A king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the King returned to the palace, and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this day!

 

[jehoram]

Circulating around Washington during the Watergate era:

"What has eight wings and a crooked dick?"
"The White House"

 

[EdEc]

Jeffrey Dahmer to Lorena Bobbitt…

“You gonna eat that?”

What does Jeffrey Damer sing when he opens the door on his refrigerator? My baloney has a first name...

 

[Handley_Page]

What's the difference between a COMMA and a CAT?

One is a pause at the end of a Clause, the other has claws at the en of its Paws.

 

[Comshaw]

I was walking past an insane asylum yesterday. There is a high board fence surrounding it. As I walked by I heard from the other side of the fence the chant "13! 13! 13!" I wondered what it meant. As I walked along, I saw a hole in the fence. I decided to see what all the chanting was about. I stepped up and put my eye to the hole to see what was going on. Immediately, someone on the other side poked me in the eye with a stick. I jumped back and as I stood nursing a sore eye the chant changed to "14!14!14!"

Comshaw

 

[RachelPost]

Three blonds walk into a bar, carrying a picture on a tray. They're chanting "35 days, 35 days." One of them steps up to the bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "We're here to celebrate." She goes back to the group and they start chanting again, "35 days." So the bartender brings the bottle to the table and he sees on the tray there is a jigsaw puzzle. It's child-size puzzle. The bartender asks, "What's with the 35 days? One blond responds, "The box said 3-5 years. We did it in only 35 days."

 

[RetroFan]

When Roy Horn from Siegfried and Roy died he went to heaven, and the first person he met was American musician Glenn Miller, who was walking a large white tiger on a leash.

Glenn Miller pointed at the tiger and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who tried to chew your face off?"

 

[Trionyx]

When Roy Rogers’ brand new Tony Lama boots were airing out on his porch, a mountain lion came along and stole them. A pissed off Roy chased and shot it. When he dragged the carcass home, Dale asked, “Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”