Actively Seeking Your Comments

[momachaos]

Hi, I am new to this site and just had my first three stories approved over the past weekend. The stories are being read but I have no comments from those who have read them and I am longing for feedback, either positive or negative, that will help me improve and develop new writing skills.

My stories can be found in the Erotic Coupling section and they are titled Red Boxed Gift (II & III). If you could be so kind as to read them and offer some direction, correction, assistance, guidance and support, I would be so very grateful.

I thank you in advance for your assistance. It is greatly appreciated.

 

[ellynei]

Always remember to post links to the stories you want feedback on

 

[The_Fractal_King]

You gots to mention how lazy we is!

 

[ellynei]

one http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=365871

two http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=365883

three http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=365885

 

[momachaos]

Thank you very much ellynei for posting the links for me. I will remember to do so in the future.

 

[ellynei]

(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)

The first four paragraphs are in past tense, suddenly in the fifth you switch to present tense. There is no feeling of transition from flashback to present, so it's a confusing switch.

Present tense and 'I'-narrating might put many people off. I'm not sure if it bothered me or not.

I didn't get caught by the story.

I should inform you that EC is not my preferred category, so that does make me harder to catch there.

In the second paragraph of the first sex scene, the 'I' is apparently very aroused. I as a reader have no clue what made her so hot. I don't feel you took me through the travel from 'I'm home from work and there is my guy' to 'I'm dripping wet'.

Others might feel differently.

The first sex scene is easy to follow, it's easy to see/imagine what they do and say.

It is harder to follow what they feel.

--quote:--
"...I stretch out on top of you as I slide my naked tits and my dripping pussy up your body until I can secure your handcuffed wrists to the headboard of the bed. "
--quote end.--

How did it feel for her to drag herself over her lover that way?

How did it feel to handcuff his wrists? Did it affect her?

--quote.--
While I am reaching over your face, you take my nipple into your mouth and, with force, you suck and nibble on it.
--quote.--

How did that feel?

In my opinion one of the differences between porn movies and erotica is that we get to read what at least one person feels/experiences.

You have chosen an 'I'-narrator that means you can explain what one person feels, directly through narrating, and you can infer how others feels by describing their reactions.

--quote:--
I leave a trail of licks and nibbles all over your neck and cheeks until I reach your mouth.
--quote end.--

What does he taste like?
Does she like doing this?
Does he respond?


I didn't read further than end of first sex scene.


On a side note, in first sex-scene subsection, paragraphs 3-7 there:

Unfortunate word similarities; nipple, nibble, nibbling, nibbles. As well as repeated use of some of them.


I hope you got thick skin, and I hope that my attempt to explain what I missed in your story will be useful.

If not, just forget what I said.

After all Ellynei is only an amateur nutcase, NOT an expert to be intimidated by.

 

[Guest]

I skimmed your first and I think elly's comments are spot on. You have good information, it just needs to be developed more. And you must solidify which tense you plan to write the story in. I would suggest removing it from present tense to past - it reads so much hotter.

Some say that third person is better than first - I go back and forth on that, myself. It depends on the story, I think. At any rate, here's a bit of your second story:


For a solid five minutes I stand, speechless, staring at the beautiful red boxed gift. During that time, all the satisfaction and pleasure I had derived from my weekend with Abby seemed to drain right out of me.

For a solid five minutes she stood, speechless, staring at the beautiful red-boxed gift. During that time, all the satisfaction and pleasure she'd derived from her weekend with Abby seemed to drain from her.

He was here, right here, but when....

I spin around on my heels and head for the phone. I dial his number as I walk back into the library to pick up my red box. On the fourth ring, the voicemail answers and I hear the rich timber of my lover's voice before the beep tells me it is time to leave a message.

She spun around on her heels and located her cell. After dialing his number she walked back to the library to pick up the red box. On the fourth ring she heard the rich timbre of her lover's voice before the voice mail beep interrupted, instructing her to leave a message.

She spoke breathlessly into the phone.

"Baby, I can't believe I missed you. When were you here and when are you coming back? I miss you, I want you, I need you inside me. Thank you for the gift, Lover. Hurry up and get here so we can open it. Bye, baby."

After leaving this message, I go upstairs to have a hot bath and wait for him to call me back. By the time I finish my bath, change the bed sheets and have something light to eat it is 8:00pm. I am utterly exhausted and my phone has not rung; not even once.

After leaving the message she headed upstairs. She tossed her clothes on the floor, ran water in the tub and luxuriated for an hour in a hot bath.

After, she was utterly exhausted and suddenly hungry. She realized she hadn't eaten and it was nearly 8:00 p.m.

And still the phone had not rung.



I didn't put character names in there, but this is past tense third person.

The very first stories I submitted here were in first person present tense. I wrote them for my husband, he loved them, and they seemed more intimate, somehow.

Since that time I've rewritten them (and some are no longer on this site). Past tense and third person seem more polished. To me.

You have a marvelous start here, please keep writing.

And there are many solid writers around this place so you should be able to find help whenever you need.

Enlist the aid of an editor or proofreader - they make all the difference in the world.

Good luck to you!

 

[momachaos]

Ellynei and Sweetsubsarahh,

Whole heartedly I thank you both. The tense was an issue for me also and I could not seem to stop slipping back and forth, in all of my stories. I appreciate the suggestion to write in past tense, third party befcause I do agree (particularly after reading your changes, sweetsubsarahh) it does look more polished.

Writing more of the thoughts, feelings and internal dialogue of the characters is also something that I look forward to doing.

My skin is thick and my intention is to improve so I could never be anything but blessed by direction, correction and helpful advice.

Thank you, again, for taking the time to read and comment on what I have submitted up to this point. You points and observations are very much appreciated.

 

[Guest]

Ellynei and Sweetsubsarahh,

Whole heartedly I thank you both. The tense was an issue for me also and I could not seem to stop slipping back and forth, in all of my stories. I appreciate the suggestion to write in past tense, third party befcause I do agree (particularly after reading your changes, sweetsubsarahh) it does look more polished.

Writing more of the thoughts, feelings and internal dialogue of the characters is also something that I look forward to doing.

My skin is thick and my intention is to improve so I could never be anything but blessed by direction, correction and helpful advice.

Thank you, again, for taking the time to read and comment on what I have submitted up to this point. You points and observations are very much appreciated.

You are very welcome!

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