Actions in dialogue

[Lucifer_Carroll]

How would one go about writing a verbal action in a dialogue sequence? I know in a play when such an action occurs, you use action tags "< >" and I know that generally action occurs outside of the dialogue (e.g. "I like peas," he said panting heavily).

However, I have a joke involving a cough inside the dialogue, which occurs currently like such: Eric quickly gulped a breath of air in an attempt to be able to formulate an answer without coughing; he failed. “I had to <cough> feed the phoenix. I’m just going to go shower now."

I make a similar move later in the work using <cough>s to indicate that the person is dying.

Essentially the root of my question is how each of you would handle the two circumstances. That is how you would handle the throwaway joke and how you would handle the editing of death dialogue to make it sound like it was actually coming from somebody on their last bit of strength.

Any help would be appreciated as I'm editing an old work for a contest.

 

[carsonshepherd]

"I had to -" cough "- feed the phoenix."

 

[carsonshepherd]

that doesn't look right. I think yer screwed.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

that doesn't look right. I think yer screwed.

Eh.

Well maybe it will use lube.

 

[Liar]

“I had to <cough> feed the phoenix."

Ya would think onomatopoetics would work. But it's hard to find a good one.

"I had to—cough—feed the phoenix." is how i'd write it.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

"I had to... hckh... feed the phoenix."

Dunno... was trying to figure out what letters would make a coughing sound.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Ya would think onomatopoetics would work. But it's hard to find a good one.

"I had to—cough—feed the phoenix." is how i'd write it.

Hmm, smoother than the action tags. If I can't find a better way to do it, I'll use that, thanks.

 

[Weird Harold]

How would one go about writing a verbal action in a dialogue sequence? I know in a play when such an action occurs, you use action tags "< >" and I know that generally action occurs outside of the dialogue (e.g. "I like peas," he said panting heavily).

The suggestions so far have treated the <cough> as non-verbal dilogue rather than an action.

Dialogue tags and parenthetical actions don't have to be at the beginning or end of the dialogue.

I would change:

Eric quickly gulped a breath of air in an attempt to be able to formulate an answer without coughing; he failed. “I had to <cough> feed the phoenix. I’m just going to go shower now."

into

Eric quickly gulped a breath of air in an attempt to be able to formulate an answer without coughing. "I had to..." he failed to supress it and was racked by a cough, "...feed the phoenix. I’m just going to go shower now."

 

[ABSTRUSE]

" I had to....*sputter, gag* feed....*hwork* the *wheeze*.....phoenix" Thud.

 

[lil_elvis]

" I had to....*sputter, gag* feed....*hwork* the *wheeze*.....phoenix" Thud.

Nice, but he's not dead yet.

On a more serious note, I prefer the hyphens -cough- to interruprting the dialog to explain the coughing. Thud.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Nice, but he's not dead yet.

He will be when I gas up the riding mower.