Action vs Reaction

[Calamity Jane]

Do you ever feel like you're reacting to everything instead of planning for eventualities? As if you're entire existence consists of putting out fires you should have foreseen?

Do you find yourself wishing for simplicity, but can't seem to slow down long enough to achieve it?

What do you do when it feels like your job, your hobbies, your family and/or your SO are controlling you and your furture instead of you holding the reins? Can you take the control back?

 

[Starblayde]

I slap myself on the forehead in a "D'OH!" stylee, then go and work my ass off for however-long it takes to bring that fire under my control.

then i relax, and feel some heat behind me... D'oh!

 

[kotori]

Yeah, but it's gonna be costly.

Remember FlamingoBlue's sig line? "Love is grand, divorce a couple of grand; choose wisely."

 

[Dillinger]

All too often, yes...

My manager at work is like that - always reacting - so my "regular" responsibilities are often pre-empted by false crises just because he doesn't prioritize but rather reacts to everything as it comes to him.

Likewise at home its much the same way... schools, chores, events, all seem to need doing immediately - they're never on a schedule (order vs. disorder?).

It is really wearing me down. I need more order to control the amount of reacting and balance it more in favor of constructive action.

I'm so very tired of putting out fires.

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[Calamity Jane]

Yeah, but it's gonna be costly.

Remember FlamingoBlue's sig line? "Love is grand, divorce a couple of grand; choose wisely."

There's a thought... and beleive me, sometimes it seems like the most expensive, yet simplist option.

Likewise at home its much the same way... schools, chores, events, all seem to need doing immediately - they're never on a schedule (order vs. disorder?).

Exactly! And even the stuff that is scheduled gets postponed, pushed aside, or completely forgotten about because something else always needs doing.

 

[Dillinger]

Yes! And all these things that control my life - all the groups, school, work, organizations - that run these events, that do things that affect my life - all do so at their own convenience, and usually without much upfront notice (and often last minute) - forcing me to react rather than act...

 

[sunstruck]

Sometimes you just have to ride the tide. Do what you have to do until you can find a means of regaining control. If you try to force it you often throw eveything off balence and screw yourself over. I try to step back and look at things from another angle, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way I can usually laugh at it all.

 

[Ishmael]

I just smile, sagely nod my head and say, "Why yes, that is a problem. What are YOU going to do about it?" Problem identification 101. If it isn't your problem, it won't be unless you volunteer for it.

While it's true that I have no young children around now, when I did I made damn sure that they learned at a young age that if they got into trouble (non life threatening to be sure) they were going to have to get themslves out of it.

And the same technique works for managers. By letting know that it is their problem, not mine, they are put on notice that I have alternatives. They also seem, for the most part, to have been willing to discuss the solution. Sometimes I wasn't part of it and someone else got tagged for the dirty work.

There are enough problems visited on us in life. We don't have to go around compulsively acquiring more.

And although you didn't use the words PCG, it you react to it, it's a problem. If you don't like doing it, it's a problem.

Ishmael

 

[Guest]

PCG,
I struggle with action vs. reaction.

This thread reminds me of a card I received.

Do butterflies flow?

Chuang Tzu said:
Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.
This is the ultimate.

The butterfly responded:
Now, there's a concept.

 

[Rex1960]

...
Chuang Tzu said:
Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.
This is the ultimate.
The butterfly responded:
Now, there's a concept.

i really like this one...

stay centered might be the keyword from my pov.

i run my own business kinda like 24/7
... tried to make it 100% 'cause my customers deserve it...
... tried to handle my daughter 100 % and my g/f 100%...
... my entire family 100%...my friends 100%...

and hey - wait a minute - it was 500% - that was way too much even for this smart guy.

i had restless sleep and couldn't concentrate on anything... and somehow each item got only like 20% - i turned crazy like a merry-go-round and couldn't reach any of my goals.

I once heard Tony Robbins saying "you gotta take action - now"
and i started to concentrate on just one thing in a single moment.

Right now i am "here and now" having fun on BB 100% lets say for the next hour.
Afterwards i'll be "then and there" 100% working my ass off in my office. Not thinking 'bout my g/f, my daughter or any fun.
This weekend my g/f deserves 100% with no regrets - no thinking of what kinda work left on my desk.
Next weekend my lil babgirl will have me 100%. Not thinking 'bout my g/f or my office.
And I spend some time with me and myself...
reading, listening or making music...100%

so at one point i disagree chuang tzu ... i don't just accept whats happening to me ... i'm trying to be the director of my own life.

 

[WaterLily]

pagancowgirl,

Lately, I have been wishing for a life free from emotional conflicts. I've longed for the simplicity of days gone by, but having children and a husband doesn't always allow for that simplicity in today's world. There is so much going on between school and athletics, homework and arguing with children to get it done, working and preparing meals, that it's not always easy to even remember what my name is. I have wanted to throw my hands in the air many times and just give up on all accounts - to tell my family to do it themselves or don't do it at all.

Yes, I want the me I used to be back again, most of all I want the world to slow down just a bit so we can enjoy it much more. Wouldn't it be nice to start our days with family breakfasts and end them with everyone sitting around the dinner table? I can count on one hand the luxury of those moments I have during the week.

Such is life.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I just smile, sagely nod my head and say, "Why yes, that is a problem. What are YOU going to do about it?" Problem identification 101. If it isn't your problem, it won't be unless you volunteer for it.


I'm working on saying no. Not volunteering to take on the problems of others. It's hard, because I was raised to always be concious of other's needs and to help whenever I can... somewhere along the line, I think I stopped 'helping' and started enabling... so, that's something I'm not doing anymore.

While it's true that I have no young children around now, when I did I made damn sure that they learned at a young age that if they got into trouble (non life threatening to be sure) they were going to have to get themslves out of it.

I do have small children, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I'm a stay at home mom, so they're my respobsibility 24/7. I'm working on that too. Trying to shift at least a few of those hours onto my husband. It's far easier said than done.

There are enough problems visited on us in life. We don't have to go around compulsively acquiring more.

And although you didn't use the words PCG, it you react to it, it's a problem. If you don't like doing it, it's a problem.

Ishmael

I agree. Most of the things that are pulling at me lately are completely of my own creation. I decided I needed the horses, I decided I want to compete again, I want to write, I wanted the kids, I wanted to remodel the house, I encouraged my husband to start his business... they're all things I welcomed into my life. But when they begin taking over, how do you back off and gain perspective? I can't just turn all of this stuff over to someone else to handle, regardless of anything else, the majority of the responsibility for all these things falls to me.

I'm not whining, I'm not even really complaining. I know that I've 'made my bed' so to speak, but sometimes that mattress is damned uncomfortable.

 

[Liontamr]

I try not to "react" to things I see and things that happen in my life because more often than not having an attitude of 'shoot first ask questions later' causes me to either hurt someone along the way, hurt myself or just generally make me look stupid..

It's a hard balance to hit.. I want to be the type that takes things as they come, but I want to make sure that future events are easy enough to deal with so I will often plan ahead and worry about it.

 

[Ishmael]

I agree. Most of the things that are pulling at me lately are completely of my own creation. I decided I needed the horses, I decided I want to compete again, I want to write, I wanted the kids, I wanted to remodel the house, I encouraged my husband to start his business... they're all things I welcomed into my life. But when they begin taking over, how do you back off and gain perspective? I can't just turn all of this stuff over to someone else to handle, regardless of anything else, the majority of the
responsibility for all these things falls to me.

I'm not whining, I'm not even really complaining. I know that I've 'made my bed' so to speak, but
sometimes that mattress is damned uncomfortable.

OK wants versus needs.

The kids and the hubby are yours. You can't get rid of the kids, and I'm assuming the hubby is around to stay for a while.

Everything else you mentioned is 'optional'.

The horses and competition are a HUGE burden, emotionally, time wise, and financially. (My ex bred and trained Arabians. Had to show them for 'marketing' purposes. Right. This one I know from first hand experience.) Do you NEED to compete? Do you NEED the horse(s)? Is there some way you can reduce your obligation here and still satisfy yourself?

Writing can be a NEED. No argument. But are you writing for yourself, or for commercial purposes? Is there a way that you can set aside a time to do this uninterrupted?

Is remodeling the house a NEED? How fast does it have to be done? Right now? Or would taking a little more time reduce the stress?

In any event these are all questions for you to deal with. Ask yourself long enough and you'll find an answer.

Ishmael

 

[weed]

Gotta go with the flow, stay sane.

Work, kids, stressed marriage.....venting to friends about how I'm feelinf, what I'm going through helps but work is professional and life is so busy there are no friends to share with.

Might have something to do with why I'm here.....besides being so horny I can't stand it.

(on that note - the dog looks at me with his sad eyes - aren't you going to take me for a walk?)

 

[bluntforcemama]

I find that merely changing your perception of control is a good way of gaining control again. What would your job be without you? How would your family be without you? It's kind of like Dom/sub relationships. Who's REALLY in control there?