Accepting one's kink leanings...

[maybenomaybeno]

How did you guys go about accepting being into certain things that your friends/family/loved ones/co-workers/etc. might find extremely distasteful?

I realize this is just an internet message board, and I'm not paying you guys $120/hr. That being said, I'm curious as to how people deal with these issues. I still feel a great deal of shame regarding some things that turn me on. In some ways this can be good (it makes it that much hotter), but at the same time I don't think it's entirely healthy.

 

[sunandshadow]

Well, 1, do your kinks actually have any relevance to that list of people? I mean if loved ones = a lover it would be relevant to that person, but otherwise do you know what their kinks are? It's not really common to discuss something that private with anyone not involved. Possible exception for a best friend. I seriously don't want to know what my parents' and siblings' kinks are no matter how tame, just because it's them and TMI. Co-workers I'd only be interested if they were single and attractive to me.

Second point, what is healthy? People enjoy many, many things that are not really healthy and/or safe. How harshly do you judge yourself for, say, drinking soda and eating sweets? What about a risky hobby like skydiving or mountain climbing or any kind of competitive sport? A needlessly expensive hobby like owning a horse or buying a lot of shoes? My personal opinion is that life would be pretty boring and pointless if we only ever did what was totally healthy and good for us. I wouldn't personally recommend doing anything that leaves scars, but if you're talking about bruises or humiliating words or getting peed on or whatever, I don't think any of that is less healthy than my list above.

 

[maybenomaybeno]

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

Yea, I guess ultimately it only matters to one's partner. I mean yes, goodness knows I'm not particularly interested in hearing about co-workers' or family members' proclivities in bed. That being said, I guess I in part posted this b/c I am in sort of a strange transitional phase. I have been involved with someone on and off for the past few years, and she is aware of some of the things that I like, but we don't talk as openly about things as we might. (lol, I can just picture any people reading this with a therapy background rolling their eyes!!) And furthermore, because the status of our relationship, as acknowledged by both of us is not nailed down, so to speak, I am wondering how to approach potential partners down the road. It is certainly a little heartbreaking to learn that someone that you meet and get on famously with and are physically attracted to is completely repulsed by one's sexual leanings. And then there is the experience of meeting someone who is on board with all of one's kinks, but... the chemistry is missing.

In short I think I am making far too big a deal of all this, and being overly neurotic about it. But, in my defense, my sexual history is really weird. The person I lost my virginity too was very open-minded about things, but a few years later I found myself dating someone who made fun of me during sex b/c I said "fuck me!" in the heat of the moment... I mean...

And a subsequent long-term relationship that I was involved in found me being with someone who... sex with was amazing, but painfully (for me) vanilla. When I told her about things that I liked she told me that she didn't judge me, but had no interest in any of that stuff...but I still am convinced that she was totally judging me! Which shouldn't matter, of course, but evidently I have some growing up to do.

Anyhow, thanks. Obviously I am sort of musing over these things aloud here. As for your second paragraph, I didn't mean that I thought that my kinks were inherently unhealthy, but rather was referring to the shame I potentially feel regarding them!

I think part of my problems might be attributable to living in a culture which on the one hand is hyper-sexualized, and makes sex out to be the summum bonum (pun not intended) of human experience, but on the other hand is terribly hasty to judge people for anything that falls outside of some (largely based in myth) construct of missionary-position based monogamy... Also I guess the U.S. was founded by people who were entirely too suspicious of sex or something? I don't know, I'm really terrible at history!

 

[Boundlife]

Breathe, Ok

for a start you are putting the cart before the horse. Stick around, hang out, see the wonderful world of kink here on Lit. Every one is different and kinks are part of who you are. Worrying about what future partners will think is like worrying about if they will like the same movies. It will work out somehow and if not there are always gold fish

And its OK to vent here, Welcome to Lit

(and Breathe)

 

[maybenomaybeno]

Haha, thank you!

 

[Etaski]

I think part of my problems might be attributable to living in a culture which on the one hand is hyper-sexualized, and makes sex out to be the summum bonum (pun not intended) of human experience, but on the other hand is terribly hasty to judge people for anything that falls outside of some (largely based in myth) construct of missionary-position based monogamy...

Try to balance that further with the fact that a parent would rather their child see six hundred murders but go totally apeshit about the same child seeing a nice set of breasts....

Also I guess the U.S. was founded by people who were entirely too suspicious of sex or something? I don't know, I'm really terrible at history!

You can always quote Robin Williams on that:

"...then we have the Puritans, our ancestors! People so uptight, the English kicked them out. (pause) How anal do you have to be for the English to say, 'Get the fuck out!'??"


Anyway, welcome to Literotica, maybenomaybeno. Self-awareness, acceptance and self-love are always worthy goals, but keep in mind that if more confidence isn't coming with it, then it might not be the path to progress that you think it is. Regardless, feelings of regret, distress, or shame will always need to be processed and understood by yourself, then you can accept it.

Just try not to whip yourself too much. Guilt/shame is intended to be that valuable emotion that kicks you in the ass hard enough to make a positive change when you really need it. But not as much as an endless circle of misery--that helps no one, least of all yourself.

 

[klippert]

How did you guys go about accepting being into certain things that your friends/family/loved ones/co-workers/etc. might find extremely distasteful?

I realize this is just an internet message board, and I'm not paying you guys $120/hr. That being said, I'm curious as to how people deal with these issues. I still feel a great deal of shame regarding some things that turn me on. In some ways this can be good (it makes it that much hotter), but at the same time I don't think it's entirely healthy.

First off...my kinks are my own. I certainly don't say to my golf, guns and money buddies....."You know what turns me on" That's akin to tell someone how rich you are... rather rude. On the other hand....That might be your kink....telling others your perversions.

 

[firenzi]

We have big brains that demand stimulation and give us complex imaginations, so kinks are totally normal. Before acting on them, there are really only two questions to ask yourself:

Does it carry life-changing legal consequences if a cop were to show up at my front door? If the answer is yes, then it's probably something best left to the imagination, and not something to be acted upon or downloaded in any way, shape, or form.

Does it betray or hurt someone against their wishes/without their consent? If the answer is yes, then you have a moral dilemma. If you act on it, other people might have good reason to be judgmental, you might have good reason to feel guilty.

If the answer to both questions is no, then there is absolutely no need to feel guilty or ashamed. Everyone engages in something that someone else would call disgusting- some people think touching our own genitals is unnatural and disgusting. You could have the blandest sex life in the world and there will be plenty of people on the planet who would condemn it. Better to stop judging yourself and start enjoying the things that give you pleasure.

I know it's easier said than done, though.

There are some things I love that many people think are disgusting, and I don't feel bad about liking them or doing them. But I do have guilt over some fantasies I have, and I still struggle with it a bit, especially when I contemplate trying to do it. So I understand where you're coming from.

 

[GracefullyYours]

How did you guys go about accepting being into certain things that your friends/family/loved ones/co-workers/etc. might find extremely distasteful?

I realize this is just an internet message board, and I'm not paying you guys $120/hr. That being said, I'm curious as to how people deal with these issues. I still feel a great deal of shame regarding some things that turn me on. In some ways this can be good (it makes it that much hotter), but at the same time I don't think it's entirely healthy.

Embrace your unique sexuality....there is absolutely no point in being someone you aren't or pretending you don't like the stuff you do.

99% of the people in my day to day life would crap a brick if they knew half the stuff I've done or what gets me off sexually....that, in and of itself, turns me on a little bit. My sex life has nothing to do with them, so let them wonder and live as they choose. Also...who's to say your most straight-laced coworker doesn't have a little den of iniquity in his/her closet that's full of whips and chains.....you never, ever, ever, know

 

[secretlover1]

Breathe, Ok

for a start you are putting the cart before the horse. Stick around, hang out, see the wonderful world of kink here on Lit. Every one is different and kinks are part of who you are. Worrying about what future partners will think is like worrying about if they will like the same movies. It will work out somehow and if not there are always gold fish

And its OK to vent here, Welcome to Lit

(and Breathe)

Amen sister! What a lovely way to put it.

I've told my friends I have an audio kink. They have their own. Everyone has a little something that is theirs and as BL said you enjoy it you're not making anyone else do it.

Some kinks on here I find distasteful but I accept that they might think that mine is odd.

Such is life...............

 

[maybenomaybeno]

It is very sweet of you guys to take the time to respond to my posting. Thank you! Y'all have made some very good points. I appreciate it.