...a writer who just wants to be read...

[BrianFrancisFerguson]

...One In the Same /incest --BrianFrancisFerguson...a real brother/sister tear of sodomy...read this as sex-write done well...

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I don't know what you're trying to say here.

---dr.M.

 

[Im_your_Huckleberry]

I don't know what you're trying to say here.

---dr.M.

I took BFF to probably mean that he'd like those here to read his story. After doing so, I can understand your confusion, Doc.

BFF--I have no doubt you must use the most well-worn copy of Strunk and White's on the planet. I also have no doubt that you would find a critique of your style neither desired nor requested. This quote from Ernest Hemingway is therefore only offered as a suggestion:

"My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way."

Out of curiosity, I ran a word count on a couple of your longest sentence/paragraphs in just the first part of your story that ran to 159 and 177 words. There may be more of greater length but I developed a severe eye twitch (maybe it was too much caffeine) and didn't finish the story.

While your use of language and elements of grammar are remarkable, it doesn't make your tale, "sex-write done well."

Who is your audience? I would suggest the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay. First of all, a link:

http://www.literotica.com:81/storie...rianFrancisFerguson&Submit=Search+The+Stories

I really didn’t understand that those were the names of stories. I couldn’t figure out what he was saying.

I went and looked at “One In The Same”, and I disagree with Huckleberry. Yes it’s very hard to read, and I doubt that many people will have the patience to put up with it. It’s very undisciplined and at times runs wild and confusing. But I think that beneath all that there’s a very original and really quite accomplished voice trying to get through, and I saw some really stunning stuff in there that isn't just accidental.

I don’t mind the long sentences and convoluted sentences. What I do mind is the awkward and often loopy meandering course of the meaning of the prose. But I really admire the orginality, especially when you come to imagery and description. That's something you rarely see on Lit.

It is very hard to read. I don’t even like incest and tend to avoid it. But I’m going to give this another go and see what I think when I have some time, because I suspect there’s really something worth reading in here. It jujst might take some getting used to.

---dr.M.

 

[BrianFrancisFerguson]

critiques, my story --"one in the same"...

..thank you all for your considerable thoughts regarding "One In The Same"...i'm sure we don't want to hear faint praise from friends nervous about the person they only think they they know, nor do we want to hear from family a polite lie or some nonesense remark dating back to an unresolveld resentment.

(yeah, i employ MSWord grammer-check as well, and i knew "one_in_the_same" scored poor...my story is a hard read, perhaps even "loopy" at times, i know... but i won't write some i-did-this-then-she-did-that 1st person stab-in-the-dark sophmoric crap-ola; however, perhaps not unlike an over-protective mother, i took too much care with my baby...)

hit me again, people...i can't get any better if i all i hear is that i'm great...


brianfrancisferguson

 

[RaistM]

Very interesting but I am sitting here at my desk looking over legal documents and I am typing this - so tell me are humans capable of this sordid acts.

WTF, hell - ... Anyway why should I read that story??

 

[Im_your_Huckleberry]

I don’t mind the long sentences and convoluted sentences. What I do mind is the awkward and often loopy meandering course of the meaning of the prose. But I really admire the orginality, especially when you come to imagery and description. That's something you rarely see on Lit.

[/B]

I agree with you Doc to the point of long and convoluted sentences if they are infrequent and advance the story, but to continually breach the century mark in words before a period causes the reader (me in this case) to disconnect rather than be drawn in. Its as if he outlined the story and wrote one sentence from I. A. 1. to I. F. 5.

And that's too bad because BFF has obvious talent (remarkable as I said earlier) as a writer - much above the norm. I can't help but think that BFF is really just flexing his muscles in a full Mr. Olympian pose ala Hanz and Franz as a writing exercise to illustrate the opposite extreme of "sophmoric crapola" when a simple bicep shot will suffice.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I went back and tried again. Some of the language and the imagery is just brilliant, but you know, I just can't read it. It makes me dizzy, my mind starts to wander, I get lost in the author's parentheticals within parentheticals. I want to tell the narrator to just get the hell out of the way already and let me see what happens. In the end it just becomes annoying.

I really wanted to at least see what upset RaistM so much, but I just couldn't get that far. As I said before, I don't care for incest, and this piece seems to take its incest seriously. Most incest stories just kind of mention that the characxters are mom and son or brother and sis and then just carry on as if they're two strangers, but in this one I felt that there two people were really related, and it was disturbing.

But mostly it was the quirky writing style that made me bail out. I think the author has to get control of his style and make his gifts work for him. As it is, it seems like the style controls him rather than vice versa.

---dr.M.

 

[thenry]

While I agree the overall story may be too long, the style was surprisingly lucent. The vision was crisp and I enjoyed letting the details trickle over my mind. That said, it may be those very reasons why it fails as a porn story. It's a fine line and this website may be the wrong audience.

The sexual play was welldone, but not why I enjoyed reading it.

T