A World that was at War.

[Rackham]

Is the other story I am writing that I have been growing myself and I am wondering how you guys like it you can view by checking my URL on my account name or http://www.chyoo.com/index.php/main.story.cover/6867, I have not gotten many rated votes yet or comments. But I have gotten nearly 1k in viewers in less then 7 days, so I am wondering what you all really think of it.

I am learning to write a lot better then I use to, and the posting and writing for the site is just a progression of my practice to improve my over all writing skills. For the most part my main problem is I tend to write like I am talking to people. Which often makes it hard for a lot of people to figure out how to read what I write properly and I am going to have to move for constructed away from that, I also know that is important to check and re-read what I write as I go to make corrections or alter things here and there, so even if it looks final production chances are any post change change a little from day to day to better word things as I glance over it.

But then again that is just a good sign of me making sure the writing is legible, so seriously let me know what you think and I am not looking to get rating of 1 because of mistakes over your and our and you're I understand I tend to make these mistakes, and the fact is if I could find an editor to edit that is willing to correct the writing mistakes to improve the over all growth of the works I do things would be a lot better as a whole over all my posts.

Cheers,

Mazer

 

[Zingiber]

Given the great detail in which you've set up the scenario, including the main character's family, I think the "immersive" option (requiring the reader to choose a name for the main character) doesn't work as well as it would for a more casual, light-hearted story. I suggest you go ahead and name the main character Hayden Logan as you suggest to the reader.

You may find it a challenge to find writers who will be able to pick up the ambitious vision for this story's setting and characters.

Having 5 threads of explanation before "Now on with the story" is likely to lose readers' interest unless they already have something that hooks them into the world. It's often a good device for the first thread to be an action scene or something else that shows the reader something important about the world or the main character; if that hooks them, they'll be more willing to follow a bit of explanation, but I'd suggest boiling it down to one summary thread.

Have a side option for "More details on the world" intended for writers like you've done with the character details, but let readers discover the world through the story.

-Z.

 

[Rackham]

I feel

I feel as far as science fiction goes, one has to set the story and the theme. I made it clear it is a male and things about his family as I went into, then I set the back drop with the history and moved on. Many famous science fiction stories tend to do the same sure, I could have started with him rubbing his head and yawning like I did a little later, but I figured that it was less important to get to the thrills as it was to set a theme. If I am going to claim science fiction I have to set the environment a lot faster then you might suspected.

So we know he is in Mongolia on the first page, and we know his family fled the America's from civil war and world war 3 more or less. But does it really help if the read does not understand what happen to the world as things happen? so it is clear the war ended not long before the story started as well, or if not I will make it clear. The fact is there are going to be a lot of questions readers may have and I might have to address them at some point but I felt it best to address them sooner then later in some regards when it came to the state of the world. I had also tried to make a spot for someone else to go a head and write in another direction of the same history should they like, I understand because of the way I themed it and I poorly planned the ability for others to write off my story you could see I understand that 100 percent.

But as writing has grown and the fact I understand many people my feel the need to get right to action, I can tell you after setting the events and making it clear that these events are happening after past events that have not happen yet. I felt alright with setting the rest of the story, and the fact will remain that I will try to move the story forward with action and subtext the whole way, and I am going to try my best to make sure that it is done the whole way through. As for the name and how one sets it. I felt as a writer it was my job to tell the readers know what I use or would suggest, but I felt as a reader they had the right to pick a name still. You will also notice that all though I gave the main character a middle name the only one likely to refer to him by it as of yet which I have not done is his mother and father.

I feel that sex is not clearly the only drive to a plot, and it is hard to work the two together. I am trying hard to make something different and original well still developing a story that is on a terms one of the biggest things the site has seen yet more or less. There is a chance sooner or later I myself might take a 2 or 3 path of the options the character may at some point feel is there, but for now I plan to focus on growth. It is easy to try to strike down a nail that stands out for being different, but it is a lot harder to drive a nail in straight after it starts to stick out, doing so can lead to broken timbers, and having to replace the whole board. I would not go so far as to suggest I have broken anything or even rules, I realize and notice everyone writes differently. I just scuff at the two sentence submissions that get authorized on some of these stories and wish to choke. And one paragraph as novel as it is does not allow for story to grow at a pace or theme or style as well as some might hope.

I guess one could say what I am trying to show is that, are differences and how we view this or that. Mixed together with are personal views as we write help shape completely different stories. If someone like the way something goes great, but I don't look at history the way others do. I find history to be something everyone should know, which is the reason I placed the world history of my story at the start, and then started off it. And made it clear in some ways that people can write off the history if they look at the existence If the character's family and so on as Dream or an Illusion. More so, I think 1000 views in one week is not half bad. And we can all look at things different I respect that you posted to ask or suggest and I did send you a private message to address some of the things you suggested and my story like many may change as I get input to better understand how to use my editor controls and abilities. Other then that I don't hate or dislike input I am more then willing to explain why I did something this way or that should people feel they need an explanation, or to answer things that people form questions about with in the story so that the next reader does not feel they are also missing an answer to some question that is formed with in my story.

Also if you look at how little information is given with in the stories for make your own Robot, or wrestler or this or that from story to story during correction of said character or any number of other things some of the stories are very ambitious but fail to fill in the required pieces of information to allow the reader to honestly feel like they are taking part in deciding how something really is designed, that is more of the reason why I am writing this the way I am, I will include information as I think of it. I have even, added notes here or there in some parts of the character info to make sure I can reference fast and easy later, I have changed parts of the history as I thought about it. The whole story is growing I am editing and altering things to make them sound better as I go as well. So honestly I am trying to Immerse them in a story, and I suggest a name, but I feel they should be free to pick one I only stress the importance that they pick on. Because John Jane or John Doe looks stupid if you ask me. And I did not wish to force a name, I simply suggested one.

Mazer


Edit: I reformatted the story, and changed the layout I also altered the first page to make it shorter and so all the reader really gets from the start is were he is a bit about the world war 3 and a bit about hidden actions of the government, the second page is the information about his classes and the likes and then the start of the first day.

 

[Zingiber]

Regarding choice of how to open -- I admit that my favorite science fiction/fantasy writer is Roger Zelazny, who makes a specialty of starting a book as the build-up to the climax of the plot is happening, then doing an extended flashback to "re-learn" all the details now that the reader has a feel for the character and the urgency of things. This works well for struggle/action plots where the reader follows one main character closely.

Not all stories are told best in this way. Sometimes the introductory material goes well with the reader following a naive character who is being briefed or taught things in a very direct way, but mixing in bits of the story's present-time characters and setting into the telling of the background. Sometimes the story might start with a later person who is reading a set of reports from someone else who was involved in the beginning of the events; the later person has to put them in context and act on them. Kim Stanley Robinson's Icehenge is a three-level stack of this sort.

One device I've seen is to open a book (or sometimes chapters) with excerpts or quotes from histories written after the events of the story, but framing the story in terms of its past (the past of the world at war, followed by the complicated recovery that's the story's background). If I recall, Frank Herbert does a bit of this in Dune. Poul Anderson does a good bit of it to stitch his future history cycle (Polesotechnic League, Terran Empire, post-Empire) together.

With your character's father and mother having Russian names, I had at first assumed they fled Russia for Mongolia, or otherwise had some strong Russian connection. I may have missed a detail which connected them with the Americas.

-Z.

 

[Rackham]

Well So far,

So far I have made it clear that the main characters father's family is from the America's I have yet to fully decide if the reason why the main characters father does not have contacted with his family is because of connections to Russian criminal groups, I am pretty much trying to build as I go. And I know the plot is pretty on the loose. But as a whole I hope by having some form of consistency a long with some form of real context or possibly set real context.

That it might help the plot move along, for the most part I have suggested that the events happening to the main character so far are completely within the realm of his family knowing whats going on. I have suggested that his sister for one reason or another is a little to playful with him which bothers him. I have also suggested that his closest male friend is likely to try and over step bounds that he may others wise want left alone. And that the main character has one to three females interested in him, with in his own age group but does not mean others might find him suitable. He is personally repulsed by the behavior of his mother and sister. I have yet to introduce any of his cousins, thou I get a feeling that my last post will need to be edited to fit in one of his cousins because of the back story in less I remove them from that class to prevent to much talking context between characters even if it is to grow the story, chances are the cousin character would fit better in the history class.

I have also suggested on some level that the school has inadvertently been trying to teach the students different forms of consideration and control and respect, all thou in a very abnormal way and in some regards it seems the main character is the only one for one reason or another in his lazy slacker state to pick up on it. Thou the two females from his class who followed him to Mrs.Gagnon class room, is also gaining enlightenment from it. I am trying to hide subtext with primary text well making sure things are understood. For instance the threats the main character makes against one of his oldest friends, Anton knows the character is laid back and that he has a few triggers. And he purposely pokes at them, for Anton the problem is when the subject goes from one trigger to the next and the main character finally just lays him out on the floor, which rarely happens. Instead the main character just saves it til the end of the school day and uses the context of his after school activity to legal condition his friend to stop talking about things.

Many cultures for one reason or another often have and always will have respect for some forms of controlled anger and aggression. And because of the way things are or had been and the fact, that for minors at some point so long as no great personal harm befalls anyone. Two families may decide to ignore the attack from one to another, much in the case of Anton and the main character simply because it could be squarely placed on Anton for triggering the attack. This also is to suggest in one or another to point or or suggest that Anton may like personal pain, and this to is a character point he may be masochistic which maybe lead into many other directions at some point between him and characters already added to the character list.

I understand the intro that starts with, a file and so on or a TV show that sooner or later loops back on itself like someone is watching a recording. I personally prefer the directed route, I am trying to suggest that the Main character is capable of learning fast if he focuses. But for the most point even pleasure, because of personal reasons are a response he suppresses. And his lazy behavior is not so much one of requirement so much as a defensive mechanism, So I mean you could read a lot into the few pages I already wrote and find many great contrasts between the people.

The Mrs.Gagnon, is unhappy and she has been talking about how men and women and others relate to one and other for a while. She tries to be honest, but often ends up having to lie. Which is a tip or skill she feels her students the ones that Hoshi sent out should learn. Thou the main character will find it hard in his own feelings and aggressions to lie, so others may at times have to end up lying for him because they will learn he can't do it, or any number of other things. So in some degree, some of the characters will mostly help him try and make up for his own short comings as he learns to deal with the abnormal breaks the government is going to give him. And it may seem at times like the teachers favor him, and other students may recent him for this but at other times they will mostly feel they suckered him. But the response of the students, is not directly talked about. It may be more in the reaction of how the teacher decides to respond to events.

I mean we all know full well, when a teacher calls to the back of the class for the only students still talking to shut the hell up, the rest of the students are having a good time at there expense maybe even cat calling or other things. Or they may fill pity for them, depending on the class or the teacher. I mean who is going to be upset about a woman with the name Sakei yelling at her students in the back when she uses Booze as a teaching aid? and she is really into drinking it herself? She may even poke fun at herself suggesting that they have not even done the practice experiment yet so why are they trying so hard to aggravate her? when there not even drunk!

I mean understanding, possible directions well writing this one post at a time without focusing on the whole picture quite yet or at all is the key to how I am trying to write this, I am trying to keep things clear fun pretty good to read. I mean up til a few months ago I could not even write as well as I do not.

So I guess that is how this stands, I do thank you for the input. And it does clearly help me arrange things so they read better if not great! thou I now have catching up to do. So I will try my best to get to that as soon as possible. To get post 14 and onward from there. Also I figured bits of insight however deluded or deranged at how I look at my own characters might help you understand the growth or direction in some form as well. And because of the writing here I realize I need to edit my most recent post to use one of the things I put here. So story direction and growth comes from all sides....

My story is bound to also hold a lot of political idea's and other bits of pop culture crude because it is part of what all of us are, and by including these things as best I can will allow people to connected to the story I feel. Thou I could be wrong since, it was not til recently I was all that great at telling stories or writing.

Mazer