A very short story - would appreciate feedback

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Dec 9, 2008
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On the metro ride home from diner the car is almost
empty, but we don't sit. I stand with my arms around
you, rocking with the train's motion. You press back
against my hardness and purr to let me know that
you're aching to be touched. We are alone except for
one young man, cute but conservatively dressed, at the far
end of the car.

I know you want me to cup and fondle your breasts
while he watches. I start that way, massaging you through
your sundress until we catch his attention. Then pulling
up the front of your dress a little so he can see your
upper thighs. He gasps, looks away, and then back. He is
rapt as I slowly roll your nipples between my thumb
and finger, pinching them to make you moan while I
whisper in your ear, telling you to make eye-contact
and meet his fascinated stare.

I take the panties you gave me before ordering at the
restaurant and hold them bunched underneath your nose
filling your head with the musk of your arousal. I
whisper in your ear while one hand pulls and teases
a nipple and the other slides up back of your dress.

Your back arches as you press back to allow yourself
to be touched everywhere. My fingers examine your
bare pussy and ass. I whisper, "Good girl" while my
fingertips explore every fold and slide inside of you. A
bead of sweat runs down the college boy's forehead and his
eyes seem to be pleading with you.

My fingers are trusting a steady and insistent beat inside
of you and I'm telling you what a good girl you are: so smooth
and obedient.

If I had found any stubble, or if you had resisted me or
looked away from the college boy, I'd have had to
punish you.

But, because you are a good girl I'll reward you ...
take you home, strip you and order you to lie on your back
on the bed with your knees pulled up against your
chest ... you were such a good girl, so I'll only spank your pussy a
little bit in-between all the licking and sucking and teasing.
 
Last edited:
On the metro ride home from diner the car is almost
empty, but we don't sit. I stand with my arms around
you, rocking with the train's motion. You press back
against my hardness and purr to let me know that
you're aching to be touched. We are alone except for
one young man, cute but conservatively dressed, at the far
end of the car.

I know you want me to cup and fondle your breasts
while he watches. I start that way, massaging you through
your sundress until we catch his attention. Then pulling
up the front of your dress a little so he can see your
upper thighs. He gasps, looks away, and then back. He is
rapt as I slowly roll your nipples between my thumb
and finger, pinching them to make you moan while I
whisper in your ear, telling you to make eye-contact
and meet his fascinated stare.

I take the panties you gave me before ordering at the
restaurant and hold them bunched underneath your nose
filling your head with the musk of your arousal. I
whisper in your ear while one hand pulls and teases
a nipple and the other slides up back of your dress.

Your back arches as you press back to allow yourself
to be touched everywhere. My fingers examine your
bare pussy and ass. I whisper, "Good girl" while my
fingertips explore every fold and slide inside of you. A
bead of sweat runs down the college boy's forehead and his
eyes seem to be pleading with you.

My fingers are trusting a steady and insistent beat inside
of you and I'm telling you what a good girl you are: so smooth
and obedient.

If I had found any stubble, or if you had resisted me or
looked away from the college boy, I'd have had to
punish you.

But, because you are a good girl I'll reward you ...
take you home, strip you and order you to lie on your back
on the bed with your knees pulled up against your
chest ... you were such a good girl, so I'll only spank your pussy a
little bit in-between all the licking and sucking and teasing.

"diner" should be "dinner" in para 1
"trusting" should be "thrusting" in para 5

I'm not keen on the use of the triple periods in the last para. General convention would dictate the use of ";" or ":". "..." is usually in the context of an unfinished speech segment, thought or narrative description

Content wise it's a good start, but isn't enough to really do much. You could easily double or triple the length of the piece by building the tension. The focal point here is the young man being the unwilling voyeur. I'd like to see more emphasis on his reaction to the action unfolding before him. Feeling someone up in public is meaningless without the external elements being involved in some fashion, either directly or indirectly to create the atmosphere the reader wants in this sort of scenario.

There's a bucket if ice cream here but we only got a spoonful :(
 
That is a sweet little story. Very nice :)


May I go into a probably very silly nitpicking on the end?

It might very well just be me personally that is a bit odd, but the very end seemed different than the rest.

It really is probably just me, but it seems to change right here: "...with your knees pulled up against your chest ... you were such a good girl, so I'll only spank your pussy a little bit in-between all the licking and sucking and teasing."

Can't really explain it. It feels like in the rest I felt the two-sided romance and poetry of it, but the ending felt one-sided.

It felt less poetic and beautiful than the rest. (To me personally.)

I am probably being silly and stupid, but did you consider making the ending more vague?:

Like, maybe along the lines of

But, because you are a good girl I'll reward you ...
take you home, strip you... you were such a good girl, so I'll only hurt you a
little bit in-between all the licking and sucking and teasing.


(where hurt could be exchanged by "spank" or "slap" or a more poetic word)
 
"diner" should be "dinner" in para 1
"trusting" should be "thrusting" in para 5

I'm not keen on the use of the triple periods in the last para. General convention would dictate the use of ";" or ":". "..." is usually in the context of an unfinished speech segment, thought or narrative description

Content wise it's a good start, but isn't enough to really do much. You could easily double or triple the length of the piece by building the tension. The focal point here is the young man being the unwilling voyeur. I'd like to see more emphasis on his reaction to the action unfolding before him. Feeling someone up in public is meaningless without the external elements being involved in some fashion, either directly or indirectly to create the atmosphere the reader wants in this sort of scenario.

There's a bucket if ice cream here but we only got a spoonful :(

I liked the minor part the onlooker played, it kept the focus on the interaction between the standing man and woman.

He was there, he mattered, but only as a spice, a tiny side dish.
 
I liked the minor part the onlooker played, it kept the focus on the interaction between the standing man and woman.

He was there, he mattered, but only as a spice, a tiny side dish.

Ah ha! and this is where we differ. I prefer the story to have some tension within it since the scene was set for it. I felt it lacked for it not being utilised for its potential.

Just my point of view as I prefer a little more drama in stories.
 
I love drama, but I guess that at the end of the day I'm a sucker for romance :rose:
 
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